Sunday, October 11, 2009

Mr. Right Now.

What's up blog fam?

Homecoming weekend was an absolute bust lol. I didn't go to a single party. For once, I actually attempted to get into party mode but it just wasn't meant to be apparently. Oh well, we'll see if I'll have better luck on Halloween. Experience--sorry I didn't run into you girly. Let me know when/if you'll be in town again so we can make plans :).

So, last Thursday I set this status on Facebook:

I'm never getting married.

There was nothing in particular that made me write it. Wasn't like I'd got into some huge fight with a dude and was in the mood to swear off men. It was just a thought. I didn't expect it to but the status received three comments almost immediately. One person, the lovely JessicaRae, agreed with me. The second comment was from a family friend: "Do you still plan on having children?" And the third comment was from my grandmother (yes, my grandma is on Facebook): "Don't say that. How else will I have beautiful grandchildren?"

My immediate reaction was to reply to both the family friend and my grandma: "Oh yes! How could I forget? The only way I could possibly have kids is if I got married first. Thanks for the the reminder!" Buuuuut, I didn't want my grandma to know how trifiling I was, so instead I just blocked her from my statuses.

The truth is, I can't say I'll never get married. Because, who knows, someone honorable may be able to convince me that it's a worthwhile institution. But currently, my faith in marriage, and titles in general, is kind of weak. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that relationships, monogamy, and marriages are obsolete. I just think that labels are.

Lately I've just started to recognize how much relationships, and what defines them, are changing at a rapid pace. You have people like David Letterman and Joy Behar, who have been with their significant others for over 10+, but aren't married; people who have been married for less than a year cheating on each other; sex without relationship titles; titles without sex; friends with benefits...I can't even begin to list every variation of a relationship. The point is, labels don't matter. A piece of paper saying that two people are united in holy matrimony doesn't mean a thing. If a man/woman wants to stray, they will. Period.

So, where does this leave us? Fearful, right? Terrified at the prospect of trusting anyone, even on a mere boyfriend/girlfriend level. Because, if marriage isn't going to keep someone from steppin out, what the hell is a 'relationship' title going to do?

This was how I felt at least. And the way I chose to deal with it for a very long while was to just be single and selective. Don't settle for anything or anyone. If he's not showing any indication that he's decent and willing to commit, he wasn't worth a milisecond of my time. I quickly saw how ineffective that approach was.

Robin aka Skinny Black Girl, is infamous for her opposition to the whole date-to-marry approach to relationships. She frequently blogged about how it irritated her the way some women would only date guys if they seemed like marriage material. Well, I was guilty of that. Only, I didn't date anyone, because NOBODY seemed like marriage material (lol). Now, fellas, I'm not trying to insult you. But it's becoming increasingly clear to me that if I continue to wait around for The One, my crotch will surely start accumulating cobwebs. So, I decided, since relationships were changing and men weren't, that I needed to change.

I have to make an important point here. When I say that I changed, I mean my attitude and approach towards dating. In the past, I was title/label obsessed. If we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend, what the hell were we? Friends? Oh no. I didn't do boy friends. The way I changed was that I tried to just chill out on my reasons for dating. Once I realized that I'm in no rush to marry anybody (and no, this didn't just happen when I set that status the other day lol) I was able to just approach dating in a casual way. It's not about finding The One. It's about having fun, meeting new people, finding out what you like and dislike. And somewhere within that process, you may just get lucky and find someone you can see yourself with in the big picture.

Of course this approach doesn't eliminate the fear of getting hurt, which is certainly a legitimate concern. I've grappled with this very real fear for over a month now in regards to the person I'm involved with. On more than three occasions, I freaked out and told this guy that I didn't want to see him anymore because I was afraid of what might happen down the line. I've been through enough pain and bullshit to last a lifetime and I'm in no rush to experience any of it again. But I just had to realize that walking away from something that you enjoy in the moment, out of fear of the future, is a cowardly way to live. You have the choice oftaki ng a risk and possibly experiencing something wonderful, or protecting yourself but constantly wondering 'what it'? Sometimes you have to just take the chance of getting hurt.

Up until this month, I hadn't gone on a date in over in 8 months because I hadn't deemed any guy good enough for even that much. Do I have to remind you all of Mr. Womp? After that date, I was dead set on being single until I was sure a guy was worth of my time. The problem is, you can't figure that out unless you date. It's sort of a Catch 22. Mr. Womp could've turned out to be a great friend but I'll never know because I judged him on one bad date.

So, I'm not suggesting that you abandon your values and lower your standards to find a dude. I'm just saying, if you've been single longer than you'd prefer, consider reevaluating your approach. If you're like I was, waiting for Mr. Right to come around, you just might be waiting forever. Even if he isn't somoeone you can see yourself with long term (or maybe you can, but he's one of those comittophobes who's allergic to the word 'relationship' *ahem*) don't rule him out. He just might be good enough to be your Mr. Right Now.


Jaded said...

I agree with Skinny Black Girl in that dating strictly for marriage is self sabotage, ESPECIALLY for young people (yes, I do tend to break things up by age). One of the plus sides of dating is getting to know what you like, love, can’t stand, and can deal with in a relationship. So going into every relationship with the mind set that: this man WILL be the one, can leave you jaded (because when each one isn’t you begin to feel like there WONT be one). All that said, I do think that after you get a certain age, you do need to be more discerning in relationships, and it makes no sense to be with someone who has no plans on getting married if you want to be married. Not sure if I am being clear here.

As for the title issue, I think that they do indeed matter. I think they hold people accountable for their actions and help them understand their role (ie. CEO vs. Regional Manager). Maybe I am wrong.

Finally, my parents were never married but have been together for like 32 years, so yeah, not being married works for some people (although for the record it DOES NOT work for them…lol…nothing does but that’s a different story).

All that said, you gotta do what works for you.

Experience is the best teacher. said...

Interesting post... I'll definitely let you know when I'll be in town again! :-)

Anonymous said...

Mama is indeed proud!!! :-)

Do I have to go into details? I'm happy that you came to this conclusion on your own and in your own time. As I see and experience more, I see that there are some situations and people who work well under titles. I'm not AGAINST them so to speak, I just don't think they're the ONLY way to have a healthy, functioning relationship.

Kudos to you sweetie on your discovery.

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