Is It Wrong to Want A Man?

I do not need a man. I do not need a man. I do not need a man.

I attend a great university, I have fantastic friends, a supportive family. My future is downright dazzling.

I do not, do not, do not need a man.

But man do I want one, and I am tired of feeling guilty for doing so. There is something about a male presence that is unlike any other comfort, and his absence is unsettling. I appreciate my roommate immensely, but she cannot salve the stresses of my day with a long, slow hug and a reassuring pat on the ass. My roommate will not pull me to the couch and rub my feet as we zone out to a basketball game. No one but my man can get away with tickling me, and he is the only one besides my teddy bear with whom I can cuddle at night. Not to mention my vigorous sex drive and the fact that vibrators, while handy, cannot kiss.

So clearly, I prefer male companionship. But why, dammit? I have been single for a record of 8 months now, and I really wish I did not mind. I am a fully functioning young adult. I am not looking to find myself in a man; I have already learned the futility of that endeavor. I have self-confidence, and I am not co-dependent. Even if I were, I have a roommate. I know I want to get married, but I am not anxious to do it soon. By all logic, there is no reason I cannot be happy and alone.

Yet, at the end of the day, I still want a warm body next to (and inside of) me. I decided to find out why.

Henry Makow was a feminist in his first marriage, which was long before he started his website, www.savethemales.ca. I found him while Googling around, looking for intelligent posts regarding woman’s need for man. The Canada-based theorist has been writing for a long time, has taught at the university level, and he makes a good argument that my troublesome urges to play the role of sweet, loving girlfriend are right on target with the natural way of things. He says men and women are complements, and so it is no wonder I feel incomplete without mine. He believes it is only right that I should crave a man's comfort.

According to Makow, "Women balance men." And vice versa. If women let men fulfill their roles as providers and protectors, men will make us feel safe and loved. In return, our safe-and-loved selves will be content, cheerful and productive. This harmony between man and woman does not necessitate strict gender roles, says Makow. In his marriage, he does the cooking and she mows the lawn. I take this to mean it is okay to keep my job as long as I do not brag about making more money than my theoretical boyfriend. The key, he says, is to respect our instinctive strengths.

Sure, he’s a little out there. But at a gut level, I not only understand his logic—I agree with it.

But I needed proof beyond some Canadian who launched a website to espouse his ultra-traditional views. So I searched more and found evolutionary biologist Jay Phelan. He would say that I agree with Makow at a gut level because of the DNA in my gut. When I read that my desire for a boyfriend was "fairly unavoidable," I had to slap my hand over my mouth to keep from screeching in triumph. Even so, I pumped my free fist up and down, and for the rest of the day sporadically muttered, "I knew it!"

According to Phelan, many of our natural desires pre-date modern society. Whether you want children or not, your body is wired to bear them. And success, in evolutionary terms, is defined by your ability to produce offspring and raise them to reproductive age. Personally, I would have been one hell of a success as a cave woman, but my urges to carry the children of every man I date seem out of place in the 21st century. Eventually, however, I will need a man to have kids. (Preferably, a respectful, high-earning, laugh-loving man who will not ditch me when my tits start to sag.) So maybe that solves the puzzle for me: I crave a man because my reproductive organs quiver every time I see a stroller. But there are plenty of women who want men, yet do not want to sacrifice their minds, bodies and bank accounts to offspring. So what gives?

Sex gives. It gives, and gives, and gives, and we all want to get laid. Turns out, you do not need to want kids to have this urge (duh). As Phelan explains, "the biggest factor in accounting for the 'need' women feel for men (and vice versa), even when it would seem that they oughtn't 'need' them, is the fact that our brains and emotions evolved in a world that was different from today's modern world."

What worked then, works now, no matter how much we wish otherwise.

I am not a doctor. I have gotten pretty good at healing my heart, but that is about it. What I heard from Makow and Phelan confirmed the lessons my heart has already learned: I want to be loved, and I want to be laid. Two guys, telling me why I feel like a girl. So what do my female peers have to say? Some women find it traitorous for me to verbalize these desires. I am encouraged to plan my career: I get enthusiastic approval when I outline professional goals. But mention marriage, i.e., my long-term plan for being loved and laid, and it is rolled eyes all around.

Why don’t these bitches want me to be happy? Perhaps they lack the pesky genes that push me onto Craigslist, or maybe they buy the idea that professional success can be as fulfilling as raising a family. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I need a man. Maybe not yet — maybe now I merely want him. But it is only a matter of time till the need kicks in, and there should be no shame in a need that is natural.

How dare you reject ME?

Rejection hurts. Nobody is a fan of it. Being rejected by your job. You're family. You're lover. No matter what the situation is, it's a downer.

I've been thinking about rejection that I've faced in my life--from my father to my boyfriends--and what impact it's had on me. I hate to admit that I have "daddy issues" but the truth is, I do. All the times he's lied, broken promises, and disappointed me beyond measure, have all affected me...Or defected me.

I'm one of "those" girls. The one who channels all of her unresolved "daddy issues" towards her boyfriends--hoping they'd fill the void her father left.

Well, at least I recognize it, right?

Does anyone even read this?

God, I hope not.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing.

Just when I had lost all hope of change, JT rocked my belief system with the ultimate gesture.

His biggest problem has been cowardice. Because he didn't want to hurt her feelings by breaking up with her, he's stayed in a relationship he didn't want to be in, and cheated on her with me. I know, I know--I'm a homewrecker. But judge me later, listen to the story now...So anyway, his fear of hurting her feelings is what has kept him from telling her that he and I are still in love. That he prematurely entered a relationship with her and wants to give it a go with me again...God, why do men have to be such cowards? They don't want to look like the bad guy so they stay in relationships they don't want to be in and they cheat! The girl always finds out (because guys never get away with cheating) and ends up more hurt than she would've been if he was just real with her in the first place. Any woman would rather be alone than be used. Why don't they get that?

So anyway, this has been the situation with JT and I. He was waiting for the "right time" and the "right excuse" to do break up with her and I was getting VERY impatient. Why wasn't I enough of a reason? Why did he need an excuse? I asked him these questions and he could never give me a straight answer. Being fed up and believing that the truth was just that he really did care about her and actually wanted to be with her, I gave up. I decided to call it quits and walk away (see yesterday's entry). I told him that he and I would no longer be staying in touch and I think the prospect of that kind of got to him. He knew I wasn't kidding. And much to my surprise, I received this text from him last night:

"Hey. Just so you know, I'm going to have a LONG talk with her about you. I probably won't call you back tonight. I'm gonna be honest for the most part and I'm not sure how that will turn out. You and I still gotta talk which can be tomorrow or Fri. There are just some things I wanted to tell her before we talked.So... Yeah. I'll give you a call tomorrow."

Gasp! Could it be that he actually came clean to her about everything? Even though he says that he was going to ge honest "for the most part"--anything he'd tell her would be substancial...This may not seem like much of a development, but it you only knew how long I've been in this situation and how long I've been waiting for this to happen. This is very climactic in my sad little life.

Of course, I'm trying not to count the eggs before they hatch, though I have allowed myself to fantasize just a little...Right now, I'm just being patient. Assuming we'll talk tonight or tomorrow, I'll soon know the truth.

Can Ex Lovers Really Be Friends?

At the risk of angering all parties involved, I'm going to pose this question.
I can't help but ask it on a daily basis. Is it really possible to remain friends with your ex? Well,there are a few things to consider:

How serious the relationship was, why you broke up, whether you were in love (because everyone knows love doesn't die just because a relationship ends), and finally, whether or not either people are in new relationships.

I'd like to believe genuine friendship is possible at a relationship's end. But, judging from my own personal experience, I think it's a better idea to burn all ties of communication with your ex, if you want to have a healthy emotional life after them. My ex and I dated on and off for about a year before we "officially" called it quits. Because we do attend the same school (and live in the same dorm) it was kind of hard to cut eachother off completely. As a result, since the beginning of the school year, we've been trying to turn our remains of relationship into a friendship. But it wasn't as easy as we'd thought it would be. To dig up the list I mentioned earlier:

Yes, our relationship was serious.
Yes, it was a bad break up.
Yes, we were in love.
And, yes, we had "moved on".
....well, at least one of us had.

Trying to maintain a friendship with an ex who has a new girlfriend, while you're still single, is a very bad idea. I didn't realize how jealous, possessive, and annoying I could be until I attempted to do it. Having to see pictures of them, gifts and cards from her, and actually see them together is enough to drive me up a wall. I've become ultra sensitive, extremely emotional, and I've turned into the super bitch I didn't know I could be. I take everything personally, and always assume that whenever I can't get in touch with him, it's because he's ignoring me for her...the list goes on.

Obviously there's more to the story (I'm just protecting his privacy) so I'm not as psychotic as I sound...But the point is, to avoid the emotional rollercoaster, don't try to be best friends with your ex. It's just not logical.

Mistakes

When does a mistake stop being a mistake?

After the first time?

The second time?

Third?

Eight?

Twentieth?

Fortieth?

....When you make the same mistake a hundred times, what does it become?


An addiction.