One Day I'll Fly Away

Damn, where have I been? Hell, where has everyone been? Blogworld is looking kind of bleak these days. It's definitely because of Twitter. Bloggers giving up blogging and are twogging instead. Not me though. I've abandoned Blogosphere and Twogosphere. Would like to blame it on school, but I can't even lie. I've been slacking in all aspects of life. I've got every type of -itis you can imagine right now. Bloggeritis, Summeritis, Sophomoritis, Lazyitis, Procrastinitis. I've been bumming it hard these days. And I can't even blame it on Depressionitis either.

Sidenote: You are what you say you are. If you claim Depression, Insanity, Worthlessness, Unloveability--you will be those things. Speak of yourself only in the affirmative, never in the negative. And if you can't do that, just remember what they used to tell us when we were kids: If you can't say anything nice (about yourself), don't say anything at all.

I'm no longer affected by "depression". I've faced my demons and found the power within myself to battle the feelings I was having. Still, I don't know why, but I'm just not feeling it. Though I'm not quite sure what "it" is. I'm so ready to be through with where I am. You ever get sick of seeing the same people everyday? Going to the same places? I'm at that point. I haven't signed a lease for my next school year because I'm anxious about living in a community where alllll the people I see in the dorms right now, will be. I want a fresh start. A clean slate. I don't want to see anyone I know now, give or take a few close friends.
I heard this quote recently:

People are most themselves when they are in a place where no one knows them.

I couldn't agree with this statement more. It struck me recently that, the person I am in college, isn't who I really am. When I first started, maybe I felt more comfortable because I wanted to fit in. Well, not so much fit in, but I wanted to have friends. New to a university, I didn't want to be a loner. I wanted to be and feel accepted. So, when I found my niche and group of friends, I was excited that I had 'people'. But now, I just want to be free to be me. To be my sometimes weird and quirky self. To sometimes lay on the Quad at night. To sometimes go see an Indie rock band or the classical piano man. To sometimes get it crackin at a black frat house. Or dance with no rhythm at a white one. I want to be free to be my Hippie/Hip Hop/Rock/Black conscious/Stanky Leg lovin'/Classy/Grungey/Jazzy/Artsy/Hopeless Romantic/Feminist/Earth-loving//God-fearing/Buddha believing/Astrological/ Spiritual Self.

Why do I have to just be one thing? Why can't I be an Artist? A Humanist? A Writer? Why can't I be everything. I feel incredibly limited. My current friends only know one side of me. But there's so much more to who I am.



The entire monologue is amazing, but she sums my world up at 2:28-3:07.

Sometimes I feel like my mind and spirit have outgrown my body, my surroundings, even my friends. How do you transcend to the next level without leaving everyone behind?

ps

To my lovely family and friends who read my blog, this is one of those posts that are off limits for discussion. I would have kept it to myself, but sometimes I just have to write it out. So please, take no offense, but don't try to probe me about this. It is what it is, and I'm searching Myself for the best solution.

pss

This post doesn't relate to you, blogfam. Because this is my blog. I feel like I can be myself here, truly and fully. If only I could say the same about the real world...

Game Over.

Just thought I'd warn you that this post has no order. I'm just ranting. Just saying.

Well, I think I just about bombed my Art History final today. I studied all day and all night for it yesterday. Even woke up early this morning to get a little extra studying in before the exam. And then I get there...Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

It was one of those exams where I had to basically guess what would be on it. Everything from Roman architecture to Christian iconography could appear. Obviously, I didn't to test my luck and only focus on one thing. So I did a survey of everything. Only problem was, it didn't all stick like it should've. And, as luck would have it, everything I decided to skimp on, because it seemed so unlikely to be on the test, was there. Every single question.

So much for that 3.8...

Sigh.

Yesterday I reread the post I made a couple of days ago. You know, the one about the Facebook note. I was reading my own commentary within the post and in response to some of your comments and couldn't help but say, "Oooh...that wasn't nice." I had the mind to delete it, but decided against that because I never delete posts, unless they're too personal. So I left it. But then today, I got a few email notifications from a rare/new commenter. I don't know if this was his first time coming through, but what he left in response to "What Do These B**** Want From a N****" was: Such venom in here. Too much venom.


Now, it didn't bother me that this commenter didn't particularly care for our/my venom, because I still maintain that this blog is a place of free expression. So, I'll continue to say what I want here, and I encourage you gals (and guys) to do the same. What disturbed me was the fact that he was right. There was alot of venom. But what disturbed me even more was how much of it was on my end.

I've been really angry lately. Like, really, really angry. And not just at the world in general, because we all have those moments where we hate the world and everything in it (...right? lol). I thought long and hard about what's been causing me alot of strife lately and it hit me. MEN.

I've been hearing so many stories about men being...men. Lying, cheating, mistreating, abusing, abandoning, flaking, heartbreaking...I've seen so many strong women cry. I've cried myself. And it just makes me angry.

"The good ones screw you. The bad ones screw you. And the rest don’t know how to screw you." ~Sex and the City

You expect it when bad men do bad things. But when "good" men do it too, it just leaves a sense of hopelessness. Like, wow. Are there any decent ones left in the world?

Notice I'm using the word men and not boys? "I'm done talking to boys. I'm looking for a MAN". You know what I'm starting to realize? There's really no difference. Maybe I'm being too general here, but man or boy, most don't seem to know what they want.

He's 21 and she's 20. They were together for four years. She's a very beautiful young woman. She attends one of the top two schools in the country. And she's an incredibly devoted girlfriend. She just got out of school for the semester and decided to surprise her boyfriend at his. She bought a plane ticket, flew from Chicago to Florida...and caught him with another girl.

Oh, and did I mention he was a nice guy?

Now, I'm not even about to rant about men or bash them. It's not even worth it. I will say this though: When you hurt my friends, you hurt me. And I'm just...disappointed. Very disappointed.

Honestly, I feel like quitting. I feel like I'm holding my breath for a "good" one. I feel like he doesn't exist.

I'm just ready for this school year to be over. I'm ready to be home with family and old friends. I know getting away from school won't make a difference. Bad guys will be bad guys. And nice guys will be bad guys too. But, I don't know. There's just something about being around family that makes me not care so much.