"What is the Stanky Leg?"

This was my GRANDMA'S stastus on Facebook:

"Just a question fb family. What is the Stanky Leg, and did the world come out with it or the church? and if the world came out with it and church folk are doing it, how does it glorify God? Just at question, no offense."

LMAO.

My Name Is Sydney, And I'm....

Damn, do I really suck that bad that people actually go through the trouble of unfollowing me? LOL. It's like, every new Follower I get, one leaves. ::pretends to pout::

I haven't written these last couple of days because its been a pretty busy week for me. Wednesday night, my baby sister graduated from 8th grade. Of course we had to do the whole family dinner thing afterwards. Except, it was kind of hard to find a restaurant that was still open that 10pm. I mean, who holds a middle school graduation at night anyway? I'll post pictures in the near future. I'm too lazy to do it now.

The next day (Thursday) was the homecoming of one of my high school BFFs. She's been studying abroad in Scotland for the past semester and she came home Thursday. We had a little get together in honor of her return, but she slept through the whole thing because she was severely jet lagged. We still had fun anyway, because my lovely friends were determined to make a drunk out of me. You see, they all know that I've never gotten drunk in my life, only buzzed or slightly tipsy, and they wanted to be the first to get me there. They must've succeeded because I managed to leave my wallet at one friend's apartment and my cell in someone else's car. I can be clumsy/forgetful/accident prone on a regular day. Don't let alcohol get added to the mix....

Friday was pretty cool as well. I went with aforementioned BFF to a historical artifact museum. The building was formerly a 65 room hotel in the 1920s, and was eventually converted into a museum that showcases artifacts of the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s. May sound kind of lame, but it was an art historian's (moi) dream. Anyway, the museum is said to be haunted so we did sort of a group tour where we tried to capture ghosts on camera and/or on a tape recorder. I won't really say too much about it because I'm too lazy right now to give a detailed account. But it was definitely one of the coolest things I've ever experienced. Not only that, but the museum overlooks this gorgeous lake. I can see myself going back there throughout the summer. The BFF took pictures, because I didn't bring my camera like an idiot, so I'll post a few when she puts them up.

Friday night, post-ghost hunt, I hung out with a few friends, drank a little more, and had a grand old alcoholic time. I promised myself that this would be the last time I drank that much because I can't stand not being in TOTAL control. I mean, I wasn't the typical loud, obnoxious drunk because that's not my personality anyway; I was still very much the composed, calm person that I usually am. But I wouldn't have been able to walk a straight line if you paid me. Seriously. Besides all that, I can't afford to lose many more brain cells after this weekend.

All in all, I had a pretty cool weekend aside from the fact that I temporarily became an alchy. I've decided to chill tonight though, because I wanted to spend my last few days home with my family. I'll be going out of town for 10 days on Wednesday, so I wanted to get some family time in before I left. Don't worry, I'll fill you guys in on the vacation tomorrow. Right now though, I think I have to stop typing because I think I'm still slightly buzzed.

5-0

You guys already know I'm weird so I'm not going to try and explain myself.  I'm kinda obsessive compulsive about things like this but um...Can one more person follow me so I can have a nice round number? I'm at 49 right now and it doesn't look right. 

Yeah. I said it doesn't look right.

Thanks lovers. 

xo, 

bloggal

One Day I'll Fly Away

Damn, where have I been? Hell, where has everyone been? Blogworld is looking kind of bleak these days. It's definitely because of Twitter. Bloggers giving up blogging and are twogging instead. Not me though. I've abandoned Blogosphere and Twogosphere. Would like to blame it on school, but I can't even lie. I've been slacking in all aspects of life. I've got every type of -itis you can imagine right now. Bloggeritis, Summeritis, Sophomoritis, Lazyitis, Procrastinitis. I've been bumming it hard these days. And I can't even blame it on Depressionitis either.

Sidenote: You are what you say you are. If you claim Depression, Insanity, Worthlessness, Unloveability--you will be those things. Speak of yourself only in the affirmative, never in the negative. And if you can't do that, just remember what they used to tell us when we were kids: If you can't say anything nice (about yourself), don't say anything at all.

I'm no longer affected by "depression". I've faced my demons and found the power within myself to battle the feelings I was having. Still, I don't know why, but I'm just not feeling it. Though I'm not quite sure what "it" is. I'm so ready to be through with where I am. You ever get sick of seeing the same people everyday? Going to the same places? I'm at that point. I haven't signed a lease for my next school year because I'm anxious about living in a community where alllll the people I see in the dorms right now, will be. I want a fresh start. A clean slate. I don't want to see anyone I know now, give or take a few close friends.
I heard this quote recently:

People are most themselves when they are in a place where no one knows them.

I couldn't agree with this statement more. It struck me recently that, the person I am in college, isn't who I really am. When I first started, maybe I felt more comfortable because I wanted to fit in. Well, not so much fit in, but I wanted to have friends. New to a university, I didn't want to be a loner. I wanted to be and feel accepted. So, when I found my niche and group of friends, I was excited that I had 'people'. But now, I just want to be free to be me. To be my sometimes weird and quirky self. To sometimes lay on the Quad at night. To sometimes go see an Indie rock band or the classical piano man. To sometimes get it crackin at a black frat house. Or dance with no rhythm at a white one. I want to be free to be my Hippie/Hip Hop/Rock/Black conscious/Stanky Leg lovin'/Classy/Grungey/Jazzy/Artsy/Hopeless Romantic/Feminist/Earth-loving//God-fearing/Buddha believing/Astrological/ Spiritual Self.

Why do I have to just be one thing? Why can't I be an Artist? A Humanist? A Writer? Why can't I be everything. I feel incredibly limited. My current friends only know one side of me. But there's so much more to who I am.



The entire monologue is amazing, but she sums my world up at 2:28-3:07.

Sometimes I feel like my mind and spirit have outgrown my body, my surroundings, even my friends. How do you transcend to the next level without leaving everyone behind?

ps

To my lovely family and friends who read my blog, this is one of those posts that are off limits for discussion. I would have kept it to myself, but sometimes I just have to write it out. So please, take no offense, but don't try to probe me about this. It is what it is, and I'm searching Myself for the best solution.

pss

This post doesn't relate to you, blogfam. Because this is my blog. I feel like I can be myself here, truly and fully. If only I could say the same about the real world...

Do you guys remember this book? It used to be my favorite growing up.

Poor Alexander, he was having the worst luck of his life that day. And today I can relate. Oh, just a heads up. There's no point to this post. I just feeling like bitching and moaning.

So, I have Friday's off this semester. Awesome, right? I use this as my sleep late/ take care of non-school related business/chill day. Top priority today is laundry (yes, another laundry debacle). The change machine was broken so I did what I usually do in that case. I put my solid dollars in a vending machine to get quarters in return. Only today it did't work. I lost a whole damn dollar! What was fucked up was I couldn't even get anything out of the machine because it was some $2 vitamin water and I wasn't about to fork up another buck for some watered down ass Koolaid. Fortunately, I managed to scoop up some spare change, and I was able to do start one load. Yep, threw errthang in that bitch regardless of color.

So about 30 minutes ago, I went down to start drying my clothes, another dolla bill in hand....Ugh, now I might be a dumbass for trying this again, but I went to a different vending machine this time. And, mind you, the trick usually works. I just thought that particular machine was tweeking today. So, I tried it again in a different one. I put the dollar in, pressed 'coin return', and in big dumb letters I see: You must select a product.

FRIIIIIICCCKKKK.

Oh, but it gets better. So, now I'm sitting there with the shit face on because I have NO money to dry my clothes. But since I put my dollar in a cheaper machine this time, I decided to buy something. The only thing that was a dollar, and wouldn't destroy my diet, was a tiny ass bag of overpriced Chex Mix. I hit the botton and, what do you think happens? The bitches fall forward and get stuck in the vending machine.

.....

I seriously thought I was being Punk'd. Annnnnd the machine had the nerve to taunt me, saying some "Thank you for your purchase. Have a great day." Fuuuckkk YOU, thieving ass vending machine!

I went to the front desk and made a complaint. Of course, since the desk is run by unconcerned students, they had nothing helpful to say. Just shrugged and gave me a complaint form to fill out.

If it wasn't for my girl, the Best Former Roommate in the World and fellow blogger Heather K., I would be ready to give somebody hell. Luckily, she had my back and gave my broke ass $.75 to dry my clothes with. Thanks babes!

Whew! But isn't that like, the worst luck ever? Now I know how little Alex must've felt. I still think I was being Punk'd or on Boiling Point though. I wish I hadn't lost my cool. Could've got a $100 out of it...

My New #1

So, I was just checking my iTunes Top 25 and guess what my #1 song was?



...with 117 plays.

"Caught Out There" was the former #1 about two months ago, but it's not even in the top 25 anymore. Guess that means I'm making progress, huh?

But the song is still dope so I'm posting it anyway.


LOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEE this shit. It never gets old.

I'm All Smiles

Hey honeys!

So, I've been reading your comments and found them really helpful. I knew you ladies would know just what to say, so keep the comments coming!

The consensus seemed to be that I need to get myself out of the house and do something fun. Keep myself busy. Well, tonight was going to be one of those early-to-bed-movie-for-one nights but after reading your comments, I opted to go out. Today was the probate, step show, and party for a frat on campus so I joined my girlies for a night out. I had a pretty good time, especially considering I managed to get into the step show and party without paying. I was looking fab, full of energy, having a grand old time, when I happen to see Ex's girlfriend (we'll call her Baby Spice today). Surprisingly, I wasn't the least bit affected for once. I just casually gestured toward her and my girls gave me the knowing eye-roll: Ex was definitely near by.

I paid no mind and decided to keep dancing. Eventually, he and I were shoulder to shoulder. We never once made eye contact but I think it was obvious that we when in each other's presence. But again, I was strangely unaffected.

The party goes on, all the while he and I somehow kepting ending up in each other's vicinity, but never once acknowledging each other. Eventually, the lights came on and it was time to go. We all filed out, and I waited at the door for my friend. I happened to look up and see Ex across the the room. My gaze must've lingered a little too long because our eyes finally locked. We smile and nod. Nothing more.

I continued to wait by the door while the droves of people come rushing through, when I saw Baby Spice approaching. By then I'd somehow taken the post of the door person and was propping it open for the people filing through. For a split second I had the mind to drop the door when she came walking through lol. But that would've been severely bitchy so I held it open for her. As she walks through, this broad actually shoots me a dirty look and then says (audible as hell) to her friend: There goes ____'s ex girlfriend. Her friend proceeds to look around and says, Where? Then they both look back at me as Baby Spice says, Her. My immediate reaction was to was laugh. She didn't even have the decency to talk about me until she was at least two inches away from me. I found that incredibly hilarious for some reason.

So, finally the mob has exited the dance hall and we're all kind of loitering in the lobby. I spot Ex and his pocket-size girlfriend standing together. I guess she saw me to because she instantly did one of those territorial This-Is-MY-Man moves and grabbed his hand. Again, all I could do was smile.

I'm actually quite happy that I decided to go out tonight because I had already had plans to have an old fashion pitty party. I gave my girls the excuse that I would be doing homework when I knew good and well that I was probably going to end up watching a movie by myself. And then I read you all's fabulous advice and decided not to stay home feeling sorry for myself. I glammed up, went out, and had an awesome time tonight. What's best is that I didn't even anticipate the fact that Ex or his Baby Spice would be there. But still, seeing them did nothing to my system like it usually does.

This was the first time I've seen Ex since we've stopped talking. I was dreading the moment but I think it played out in the best way possible. In a situation where I should've felt at least the slightest bit anxious, I felt supremely confident and at ease. And in a situation that I could've handled in an undignified, hoodrat sort of way, I handled with pure class. Feels like a small victory.

See...All smiles=)

A Farewell Kiss

By now, evvvveeerybody's seen this. But you probably haven't seen it in slow motion, have ya?!







Soooo damn close! How did that not hit him? You've gotta give it to Bush. He's got mad dodging skills. That mofo even looks fast in slomo.

Blah Blah Blah

Yo.

Today is a nothing post really. As I mentioned before, I'm in the midst of finals and any extra thinking is sure to cause a brain fart of some sort. So, I'll stick to blurbs today.

*So, how about that nonsense yesterday? It took every ounce of power inside of me not to 1) post my blog url as a comment to show them your feedback and 2) not to verbally rip them a new. I finally did comment on how his words were offensive and not well thought out. Of course I got attacked by one of his wack ass minions. But the author eventually replied and apologized for offending me and other women. What's sad is that, it wasn't until I commented that other females stopped co-signing with his stupidity and started saying how they really felt.

Sidenote: I've gotta plug Skinny's blog post about this. On point.

Anyway, the comment count has reached 105 and still growing. The author did admit that he was purposely trying to stir controversy, which is a slight relief but still doesn't justify for his ignorant slander.

But whatevs.

*I know you all have been hearing about how bad iWant an iPod. Well, I'm too broke to afford one and so is everyone else in my family. So, I bought the next best thing (well, not really, but it suffices). Just came in the mail today.

It's an 8GB Touchscreen Mp4 player I found on Ebay for like, 60 bucks. Yeah, I know it's no iTouch, but it's still something. I was walking around with a 512MB music player that I could barely fit 8 songs on, so this is a big upgrade for me. All of my so-called friends are trying to clown me for buying a generic player but I'm happy with it, so eff them.

Anway, it plays videos, music, has an eBook reader, holds pictures, etc. May not have a bunch of bells and whistles but it still serves its purpose. It has a 1 year warranty so if it decides to be as cheap as it was, I can just send it back to the manufactures for a replacement.

Yes, that is my cheap piece of crap phone next to my cheap piece of crap player.

Merry Chrismas to me!

**UPDATE**

I've taken the liberty of including this YouTube video for those of you who are wondering "what the hell this player is" (Charles lol).

The Date Rape Christmas Song

This is by far one of my favorite Christmas songs. A real classic.

But.....

Is it just me, or is this song a tad bit rapish?

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside
This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry well
Maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
Ahh, but it's cold outside


I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh baby, it's cold outside
This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm -- Look out the window at that storm
My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look so delicious
My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips look delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb - It's up to your knees out there
You've really been grand - Your eyes are like starlight now
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died (WTF??)
I really can't stay - Get over that hold out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

Ms. Officer

Did I ever tell you guys that I'm a security guard? lol. Yep, that's my job at the lovely Krannert Art Gallery. I get to have a walkie-talkie and everything! [insert sarcasm]...But believe me, the job isn't as exciting as it sounds. There are never any attempted thefts of paintings or sculptures, thus no necessary tackling maneuvers. The most action I ever get is on "Kids @ Krannert Day", when children were allowed to come to the museum and do crafts, while us guards prayed they don’t put their dirty little hands on the exhibits. So, most of the time I'm pretty much standing around twiddling my thumbs.

Sidenote: I know you guys are probably wondering why I complain about a job where I get paid to do next to nothing. That's precisely the point. Boring jobs are the worst kind. But I actually have grown to enjoy the quiet solitude of the museum. I love it there.

So, I figured since I'm always mentioning my job anyway, why not give you guys a virtual tour. Enjoy!

I know these are some pretty lame close-ups, but I wanted to see my camera's zoom ability and quality. Me likey!

I'm not gonna lie. I was just really thirsty to use my new camera lol.

Insomniac Blurbs

Tonight I'm feeling random and blurbalicious.

*I loved all of your responses to my last post. How is it that you all always know just what to say? You guys like frickin Hallmark cards and fortune cookies. It was a relief to see that all of the comments were optimistic "don't give up on love" messages. Sometimes it get's so hard out there that it's easy to get cynical an cold. But thank you ladies for reminding me that it still exists:)

*Do you ever have the desire to radically change your appearance? I get that impulse every six months or so. For some reason, I want to go back to school looking totally different. New hair, new wardrobe, maybe a new piercing or tattoo...But I'm kind of broke right now, so I'm going to have to settle for a new hairstyle. Don't laugh at me, alright. I'm going to try and do my own braids for the first time. I've mastered sew-ins but I've never attempted extensions before. I'm doing kinky twists, but not in the traditional way you see them. I'm using a softer textured hair, and they're gonna be longer, thicker, and semi-straight. Kinda like this:



Sidenote: I've been lovin' Kelis lately. I've had Kalidescope, Tasty, and Kelis Was Here in HEAVY rotation for the past week. She's that bitch.

I've been at it since Sunday morning and I'm a little less than halfway done. I'm praying that I'll be finished by Thanksgiving and I won't have to rock a hat or one of those bogus ass pony tails that chicks wear when they're trying to hide an unfinished center. Either way, I promise to post pics of the finished product since you guys didn't get to see my haircut. Even if they turn out wack as hell, I'll post them anyway. But don't be surprised if the flash is off. Just a warning.

*I feel so unloved yall lol. Since coming home on Friday, I haven't had to charge my phone once. You wanna know why? Because I haven't received not one phone call/text since I got home from school, therefore I still have two whole bars left. My last incoming call was on Friday at 3:30pm. I checked my call log and all it said was Mommy, Home, Sister, Best Friend, Mommy, Home, Sister, BF, etc. And now that I am home with my mommy and sister, nobody is calling my ass. Sad.

*I've been on a cell phone plan with my mom since I was in high school. For convenience purposes, I'm still on the plan with her, but I pay my own bill. Anyway, I've never been a big texter, but I just recently decided to get an unlimited texting plan since I've been doing alot of it lately. So, I gave my mom an extra ten bucks in addition to the $50 a month I give her and asked her to add texting to my line. This was sometime in October. Why did this broad just slam me with a $40 bill the other day??? I according to her, she doesn't recall me requesting unlimited, so she only got me 250. And U.S. Cellular charges 25 cents (hey, I just noticed there isn't a "cents" key on the keyboard lol). So, now I'm $40 in the hole. May not sound like much but 40 dollars is A LOT to me (I only get 150 per check--I know, that shit is sad).

So, I will not be texting for a while. At least not from my phone. I'm gonna do it the bootleg (free) way and email peoples phones from my computer. I get free incoming so, yes QQ, you may continue to bless me with the shwingshwong shots...*swoon*

*Is it just me or did the YouTube screens like, double in size?

*This blurb is just for the ladies. All you fellas may want to head over to clnmike's blog right about now because I'm about to dip into "female issues." And if there are any ladies who would prefer not to hear details about conditions pertaining to the bajingo, I'd advice you to skip to the next blurb as well.

Soooo, about a two weeks before school let out, I started feeling like I was developing a yeast infection. I had all the symptoms, and I assumed that's what it was. So I just skipped the examination and asked for a prescription to get rid of it. A week later, all the symptoms were still there. Afraid that it was "something else" I made another doctors appointment. The lady gave me a pap smear and said that everything "looked normal" and I had "nothing to worry about". But she ran tests anyway. Long story short, it turns out that I have Vulvodynia.

Those of you who are familiar with this episode of Sex and the City have heard of this condition. It's basically like a yeast infection but a little harder to get rid of. The symptoms are caused by an imbalance of pH levels in the vagina, and all you have to do to cure it is take antibiotics and antidepressants. Yes my friends, you heard right. My vagina is depressed. Go figure.

I neglected to write this on my blog for two reasons. 1) I wanted to be on the rode to recovery (only 3 more days of antibio-depressants) before I did so, and 2) I new it would probably give a lot of people a case of the ickies. But I thought, what the hell.

*There's a humongous spider on the wall and I know I won't be able to go to sleep while it's still alive.

*This is about to be so random, but here are various Youtube videos I've bookmarked over the past two weeks.



Otters fucking holding hands? Seriously? I nearly died of cuteness overload.





No this bitch did NOT just say "I love you" and then do that beautiful wolfy ass howl. This dog is gorgeous.



I know I'm a fool for this one but it crrrracks me up!

Ummm, I think that's enough randomness for one night. It's 2:09 am. I'm about to try to take my ass to sleep.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Sarah Palin...

I never get political on this blog, but I had to post this picture. This is for you Charles.

Sick Day

Wow, Wednesday already??? Time flies, I tell ya. Sometimes I still accidently write 2007 on my papers and it's nearly 2009. Where's the time going?

Today I decided to slow down a little and take a sick day. It's justified too. I've had this bug since last Friday, but I haven't given myself the time to heal. Though I've doped myself up on cold/flu drugs, I haven't given them time to go into effect. So, I'm using today to catch up on my rest and my work and my blogs...Doesn't sound much like a sick day anymore lol.

Hmmm, today is feeling like a rant day. I rarely do them so here goes.

*I miss my family. This summer, I got super tight with all of them. My parents separated when I was very young, so for a long time it's been me, my mom, and my two sisters--all ladies in the house. In my angsty teenage years, I didn't appreciate their company. But after going away to school and coming home again, I realized how nice it is to have all women in the house because it enables a closer bond. My mom is 43, older sis 21, and younger sis 13. The age difference sounds big, but we were like girlfriends. We had a blast this summer. My mom had gotten laid off from her job at Business Magazine (surprisingly to her delight) and decided to venture and discover herself. After all, the nest is almost empty. Meanwhile, my sisters and I just hung out. Chilled. Got to know each other better. The age gap between my younger sister and I has kept us from getting close. But now that she's 13 and going through all those teenage issues, I can be the big sis I've always wanted:). Anyway, I love my mom and sisters, and I don't know what I'd do without any of them.

*Last night I had what could possibly be the most embarrassing moment in a long time. Mr. Cocky unexpected popped up at my door. When he walked in, he was laughing and out of breath. His face was beat red. "What happened???" I asked. When he finally managed to catch his break he said, laughing, "A girl out there just asked me, 'are yall gon' have sex again tonight'?" LOL. I was mortified. I knew I was getting some funny looks yesterday morning while I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth. Damn that rickety ass bed! My roommate from last year offered to give me her blow up mattress so that nobody would hear us anymore. See, I love my friends. They support me even in my most skanky habits lol.

*My best friend, who I've referred to several times on this blog, is pregnant. She's 19 and she attends the University of Chicago. The girl is smart as hell and has BIG things going for her. She's 10 weeks along and she still "doesn't know what she's going to do". I told her she'd better figure it out soon because the longer she waits, the more of a moral dilemma she'll have. I support her 100% in whatever she chooses to do, but there's just one problem...She just broke up with with father. When I say this guy was an asshole, I'm not just throwing the word around like I usually do. He actually told her that she's annoying, he can't stand to be around her, and ever since she told him she was pregnant, he's "hated her more and more each day." That shit is foul. Especially to hear that when you're pregnant, vulnerable, sensitive, and emotional--he crossed the line. Aside from that, he treated her like shit in every other respect so I think she did the right thing by leaving him.

So, now she's single, pregnant, and lonely. We've been friends since the 4th grade so that basically makes me the baby's daddy. I just feel like a bad friend though because I don't know how to tell her that I literally don't have the time to sit on the phone with her anymore. I know that sounds insensitive, but hear me out. I'm in school now. I can't just talk for hours like I did in the summer. It doesn't help that UofC doesn't start until a month after most other universities. That means, for the past 4 weeks, I've been getting phone calls at the most ungodly and inconvenient hours, trying to be the supportive friend. But...I'm growing a little impatient. And I feel bad for it. Not that I don't want to be there for her, but she calls me 8 times a day (not exaggerating, between classes when she knows I have a 10 minute break and everything) with the same problems. When I try to offer solutions, she never heeds. I feel terrible because I know she's going through something I can't fathom...Ugh, I feel like a bad friend. And I didn't realize that was bothering me as much as it was.

*Have you noticed anything lately? I haven't made a post about Ex in a long time. In fact, I haven't seen him for a long time (except for when he stopped by to visit about a day ago, an incident not even worth elaborating on). When I met Mr. Cocky, it was like Ex fell off the face of the earth, which is truly bizarre because we still live right across the street from each other and I still frequent his building for one reason or another. What's also a coincidence is that I no longer see his girlfriend either. She has a class in the same lecture hall I do, right after me so I used to run into her at least twice a week. But now, no sight of her. I'm not complaining though. It's just weird. Maybe this is just God's way of helping me move on completely. Out of sight, out of mind.

*I feel old at heart, but I'm only 19. That sounds so young. I'll be 20 in November, but still, I feel way older than that and I look it too. Not in a life-has-worn-me-down sort of way, but I just feel like I don't look like most girls my age. I always thought it was strange how only men (like 24 and up) talk to me, but guys in my age group never did. I'd truly be shocked if a 19 year old ever tried to holla, and I'm not so sure I'd be interested either. I was told it's the way I carry myself. I've also been told that I look intimidating. Whatever the case may be, men gravitate towards me, not boys. I wonder why that is.

*Speaking of my birthday, I'm buying myself a Nano Chromatic. I've been wanting an iPod for a long time, but never had my own money to buy one, so now I'm going to treat myself.

*I feel fat. I want to lose 20lbs this year. I gained the Freshmen 15 and never lost it. This makes me sad.

Just a thought....

I hope my future employers never see this blog.

Have You Ever?

Have you ever wanted to slap somebody and hug them at the same time?

I do. Boy, do I...

Why Her?

Okay, I couldn't stay away. I miss my blog. I miss your blogs. So, school can wait.

Alrighty, here's the thing. Since I've been back to school, I've been seeing my Ex constantly and it's not really helping the whole "build new memories" thing. I hate it. How is that I went an entire summer without seeing him and now that I'm back here, he's all I can think about. Just to make a disclaimer, I'm not thinking about him in "that way." It's just that he was like my only male friend on campus. Sad, I know. But now, when I'm bored and I don't feel like being bothered with females, he's the person who pops into mind. But, hanging with him isn't an option. And I'll tell you why.

He's...how can I say...addicted/sprung on my sex. The first night we made contact, he was asking to stop by. I thought, no harm, so I allowed him over. After about 20 minutes in my room, the sexual tension was palpable and he practically pounced on me. I'd never seen him that way and it kind scared me...and turned me on a little (lol). BUT, I pushed him away with a firm hand, told that the friend thing wouldn't work since he was clearly unable to contain himself, then told him to leave.

He came to me the next night, apologizing for his behavior but no sooner had he made himself comfortable in my swivel chair, was he trying to put the moves on me again.

By then, I was just insulted. I know I've got that good-good, but to come to me for nothing more than sex is infuriating! So, I told him to never contact me. That we couldn't be more than associates.

Ever since then though, I've been seeing him everywhere. And not just alone...

I'm kind of disappointed in myself. How is it that, after all this time, I can still be affected when I see them together?

Today I was on the quad and they walked past me, hand-in-hand. I hadn't noticed at first, but my friend made sure to make a scene and my heart nearly stopped when I saw them. The reaction was all to reminiscent from last year. From that point on, my mood was slightly ruined and I couldn't get the pep back into my step.

It's actually a little more difficult than I thought it would be--being down here, seeing him again. It's weird. I wish I didn't have to see them together. Ever. No matter how much I've grown and gotten past it, I can't help but be disturbed. It doesn't make sense. I don't desire to be with him anymore, so why does it still bother me to see her with him? I guess it's because I can't help but wonder, why not me? Why wasn't I good enough to be with him? He had commitment issues with me, but he can stand a relationship with her...I don't get it. He treats her well (besides the fact that he's all too eager to cheat with me). He does the sweet boyfriend things that I always wanted him to do when we were together...How can I not take it personally. Everything I always wanted from him, he can do for her. I think that's the real reason we can't be friends. I'll always resent him. She's a constant reminder that I wasn't good enough for him. That it wasn't that he couldn't commit. It was that he wasn't willing to commit to me. For a long time I wondered, why her? But now I know the real question is, why not me?

It reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City when Big tells Carrie that he's engaged to Natasha. God, that is my all time favorite episode because it's my story. A guy who has difficulty committing can suddenly be emotionally available to someone else. You feel cheated.