"I Couldn't Help But Wonder...."

If you are even remotely au fait with the motifs of Sex and the City, the scene will be instantly familiar. A female journalist, at work in her city apartment, ponders the blank screen of her laptop. Her fingers hover, the cursor winks invitingly and this week's pressing question is tapped out.

Because it's probably common knowledge that I'm an SATC fan if you frequent this blog, I try to steer clear of the topics and questions that Carrie poses at some point in each episode. But, for some reason, it's extremely difficult. Maybe it's just me being impressionable, but often times my life, and those burning relationship questions, parallel those that staple each episode of the show. Seriously, is it just me, or can all who watch the show relate?

Well anyway, from now on, instead of avoiding using Carrie's topics in attempt not to appear like an unoriginal writer, I'm going to start a "I couldn't help but wonder..." series. In it, I'll pose her question, attribute it of course, and put my spin on it...Make sense?

I've been thinking about doing this for a while, but never did, until I saw the wonderful miss Karrie B. make a new segment of her own. I figured, if she can do it, so can I (imitation is the highest form of flattery chica lol)!

So, stay tuned cause an entry is coming your way tonight.

Ciao.

Why Her?

Okay, I couldn't stay away. I miss my blog. I miss your blogs. So, school can wait.

Alrighty, here's the thing. Since I've been back to school, I've been seeing my Ex constantly and it's not really helping the whole "build new memories" thing. I hate it. How is that I went an entire summer without seeing him and now that I'm back here, he's all I can think about. Just to make a disclaimer, I'm not thinking about him in "that way." It's just that he was like my only male friend on campus. Sad, I know. But now, when I'm bored and I don't feel like being bothered with females, he's the person who pops into mind. But, hanging with him isn't an option. And I'll tell you why.

He's...how can I say...addicted/sprung on my sex. The first night we made contact, he was asking to stop by. I thought, no harm, so I allowed him over. After about 20 minutes in my room, the sexual tension was palpable and he practically pounced on me. I'd never seen him that way and it kind scared me...and turned me on a little (lol). BUT, I pushed him away with a firm hand, told that the friend thing wouldn't work since he was clearly unable to contain himself, then told him to leave.

He came to me the next night, apologizing for his behavior but no sooner had he made himself comfortable in my swivel chair, was he trying to put the moves on me again.

By then, I was just insulted. I know I've got that good-good, but to come to me for nothing more than sex is infuriating! So, I told him to never contact me. That we couldn't be more than associates.

Ever since then though, I've been seeing him everywhere. And not just alone...

I'm kind of disappointed in myself. How is it that, after all this time, I can still be affected when I see them together?

Today I was on the quad and they walked past me, hand-in-hand. I hadn't noticed at first, but my friend made sure to make a scene and my heart nearly stopped when I saw them. The reaction was all to reminiscent from last year. From that point on, my mood was slightly ruined and I couldn't get the pep back into my step.

It's actually a little more difficult than I thought it would be--being down here, seeing him again. It's weird. I wish I didn't have to see them together. Ever. No matter how much I've grown and gotten past it, I can't help but be disturbed. It doesn't make sense. I don't desire to be with him anymore, so why does it still bother me to see her with him? I guess it's because I can't help but wonder, why not me? Why wasn't I good enough to be with him? He had commitment issues with me, but he can stand a relationship with her...I don't get it. He treats her well (besides the fact that he's all too eager to cheat with me). He does the sweet boyfriend things that I always wanted him to do when we were together...How can I not take it personally. Everything I always wanted from him, he can do for her. I think that's the real reason we can't be friends. I'll always resent him. She's a constant reminder that I wasn't good enough for him. That it wasn't that he couldn't commit. It was that he wasn't willing to commit to me. For a long time I wondered, why her? But now I know the real question is, why not me?

It reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City when Big tells Carrie that he's engaged to Natasha. God, that is my all time favorite episode because it's my story. A guy who has difficulty committing can suddenly be emotionally available to someone else. You feel cheated.

Age Ain't Nothin But A Number....Right?

Just to start off this post I have to say, if you haven't already, go see Sex and the City. It's something that the ladies can enjoy with a group of their closest gal pals, or even with their boyfriends, who begrudgingly agree to be dragged along. I already saw it twice, but I guess I don't really count because I'm a long time SATC fan. I won't make this entry a movie review or analysis, though I do have a couple of critical responses to the ending. But I don't want to ruin it for those who haven't seen the movie yet, and still wish to. So I'll save that for another time. Perhaps next week.

So anyway, age has never been a big issue to me when it comes to matters of the heart. I won't go into detail but I'll just say that I've befriended men older than my father. Now, don't get it twisted, the key word is befriended . I love listening to people who are older than I am speak. They're so much more experienced and wiser than I am, and I love hearing their views on life. I can have a friendship with someone nearly three times my age, without feeling weird about it. With that said, I can't help but wonder why I'm feeling a bit squeamish about seeing a man six years older than me.

I'm 19. MK is 25. The difference doesn't look so drastic on paper, but when you factor in where we are in our lives right now, and where we see ourselves in five years, there's something to think about...In five years, I'll be 24. Hopefully out of grad school and starting my career. He's already out of school. In five years, he'll be 30. If he hasn't already settled down by then, than he probably will be ready to.

I know it is a bit nuerotic (and presumptious) of me to think that far into the future, but I can't help it since I'm noticing the gap already. At times, it's hard to hold a phone conversation because we don't have very much in common in our lives right now. We usually resort to talking about movies since we're both film buffs. Right now my priorities are school, family, friends, having fun. And his are working, paying bills, and taking care of his daughter...Yes, he has a daughter.

I've always liked to think of myself as an equal oppurtunity dater and that age or race weren't issues to me. The only requirement is that you're male. Oh, and straight, of course...But now I'm not so sure.

ANY advice is welcome here. Should I just go with the flow and keep seeing this guy or should I keep moving and find someone my own age? I know what my heart's telling me to do, but listening to my heart hasn't always been the wisest thing I've ever done.

Sex and the City!

Of course I had to plug this...

Tonight at 12:01am, I will be seeing the movie version of my all-time favorite TV shows. You should see it too:).

Ciao!