Sick Day + Date Details

Hey blog fam.

I'd like to first thank you lovely ladies--antithesis, Experience, and QQ--for your suggestions. I just got back from Walgreens and I'm stocked with Theraflu, tea, orange juice, and vitamen C. I emailed my professor for the class that my big paper is due in, asking if I could email submit it because I wasn't feeling well enough to come to class. Instead she told me that I could just turn it in 'whenever I felt better'. I was stoked because I definitely woke up at 7 this morning to finish the paper that was due at 11. Now, I don't have to bull shit it at all, and can finish it up with a clearer head.

Yeah, I've gotten progressivly within the past 24hrs. Yesterday started off cool, but once I got off of work, the sickness returned. Not to mention the fact that I had a date to go on. I know they say the only way to really get over a cold is to get lots and lots of rest, which I never do. So, today I emailed all my professors to get excused from class so that I can spend the day sleeping and doping myself up with Theraflu. I emailed my boss too, but I'm waiting to hear back from him. Hopefully, I can get the night off because that would mean a full 24 hours of rest time. *Crosses fingers*

Now. About the date. I met this guy last Friday when my friend and I bar hopped all night. He approached me very respectfully and asked if he could by me a drink. Sidenote: I was already offered free drinks for the night by this hot bartender who coincidently turned out to be this guys room mate and friend. I'm telling yall, this bartender could've been the most beautiful male specimen I'd ever seen upclose. He looked like a biracial Brad Pitt--I'm not even lying. He had blue eyes and fair skin, but this dark, curly hair. We were making googly eyes at each other, when his room mate stole his thunder and started "buying" me drinks he had already offered me. Oh wellsies.

Huuuuuge tangent but Hottie Bartender was sex on a stick. Anyway, me and this guy had a few drinks, danced, and chatted for a while. It was fun. At the end of the night, he asked me if he could call me sometime and I gave him my number. He said, "Promise not to forget me, because I'm really gonna call you". I guess he thought I was drunk but I wasn't. He called me the following Monday asking if I'd like to get together Wednesday after work. I agreed.

Now, even though I blogged about this date Tuesday evening, why the hell did I almost totally forget the next day? I think I'm so used to guys flaking on me that I unconciously pushed the entire date out of my mind. He calls me at 6:30, telling me he got out of class early and asking if I wanted to push our dinner plans up an hour early? I'm sitting there in my PJs, eating a bowl of Ramen noodles, and typing my paper--clearly I didn't have plans on going anywhere--but I told him we could. He offered to pick me up but I'm kind of paranoid about strangers knowing where I live. He could turn out to be some crazed stalker. Y'all know how white boys can be (oh, did I forget to mention he's white?) lol j/k (not really). Instead of him picking me up, we met at the resteraunt--Flat Top Grill.

He showed up on time, smelling fresh, and looking presentable. These are probably givens, but after my disaterous date with Mr. Womp, I've come to appreciate these things. We, of course, got 'the what are yall doing together' looks. We probably did look like we weren't even from the same planet but we just ignored the stares. I won't go into the details of the date, but I have to say, I really enjoyed myself. The conversation was easy and unforced. He was a gentleman but not to the point of trying too hard. And most importantly, he footed the bill. I say this is important because, in the infamous case of Mr. Womp, he asked me on a date and I ended up paying. You'd better believe I came prepared with my debit card this time, but he made it clear from the beginning that I could get what I wanted and he'd pay the bill.

He wanted to take me salsa dancing at the bar Hottie Bartender works at (*swoon*) but I told him I needed to get back to finish my paper. He walked me back to my apartment and we called it a night. He leaned in for a good night smooch but I had to give him a good 'ole church hug instead. Sidenote: Besides the fact that I don't kiss on the first date anyway, I was literally afraid to do it. I've been kissing the same person for over a year now. I don't even know if I know how to kiss someone else. That's what happens when your ladyhood gets used to a particular manhood, if you know what I mean...I think you do.

I can't say for sure whether or not I'm attracted to this guy in "that way", but I did enjoy myself and would definitely go out with him again. He was outgoing, respectful, and courteous. The date was everything it should've been (by my standards) and I have to give him his props for bringing his A Game.

Now, I'm off to down some Theraflu. Hopefully by the time you hear from me again, I'll be back to normal.

xo,
bloggal

Ughhhh.

I feel like crap.

I managed to avoid getting sick for over a year. I obsessively wash my hands, ESPECIALLY before I eat. I make sure I take my vitamins to build up my immune system. I stay bundled up in cool weather no matter how bad I want to go coatless. With all of my precautions, you'd think I'd be safe from getting sick. Nope. I catch a sore throat in the dumbest way. Because my apartment is a frikkin' ice box, last night I got sick on my walk from the shower to my bedroom. I know, I know--there's probably more that contributed to it. But all I know is, when I got out the shower I felt fine, and by the time I got to my bedroom, about 8 seconds later, I started feeling the itchy beginnings of a full-fledged sore throat. I bundled up in a sweatshirt, extra blankets, and my beloved Snuggie, hoping that I would be able to sleep it off. But instead I woke up this morning feeling like death warmed up.

Forgive me for this randomness. I just hate being sick. All you want is somebody to baby your grown ass with soup and hot lemon & honey tea, but you gotta do it yourself. You wanna cuddle up with someone everybody treats you like you have coodies, which you kind of do. Not that I have someone to cuddle up with right now but you get the picture.

The worst part is, I have a date tomorrow night and a major paper due Thursday morning. I'm not up to either right about now. But I know the lazy Old Maid inside of me was just praying for a reason for me to cancel this date and I'm not about to satisfy her fuddy duddy ass. I've been putting off getting back in the dating game for months now and if I don't go tomorrow, I never will. So, if you guys know any natural or medicinal remedies PLEASE share. Over-the-counter drugs or grandma's famous cure--whatever. Just please share what works for you when you're sick. I can deal with a mild irritation but the pain has to be gone by tomorrow.

Trippin'

Didn't I just tell ya'll I still had issues?

I'm going to tell you guys a little story and I hope someone gets something out of it.

So, I was seeing this guy. He and I had a history that was at best...difficult. We were off and on, on and off for a long time. Finally, we were able to get along and be cool. We were friends. Then his circumstances changed, and suddenly it was okay for us to be more than friends. Only, niether of us were ready to take that definitive step. So, instead we decided to play it cool. Go with the flow. Just enjoy what we had without attempting to define it.

All was well until I started to get paranoid. I started thinking ahead and thinking behind. What if this happens? I can't forget when THAT happened. I'd freak out and tell him that I didn't think we should see each other anymore...and a day later I'd realize that I was TRIPPIN'.

We'd discuss what made me trip, and he agreed to make an effort to make me feel more secure about our 'relationship'. All is well and then a week later I get paranoid again. Only, for a different reason. I bring it to his attention and tell him, I'm not sure we're on the same page here. I mean, I can be okay with this kind of relationship but I can't be forever. TRIPPIN'.

He acknowledges my concerns and agrees to put forth even more effort to keep me comfortable. Two weeks go by without incident. Until one weekendm he has a ton of homework to do. He informs me that he'd be busy with a project for most of the weekend. He's lying...He's not doing homework. He's out romancing some other chick. I resolve that I can't trust him, I am completely unable to handle our relationship and that I don't think we should see each other anymore.

It doesn't take me very long to realize I was, what? TRIPPIN'.

I tried to fix it, but this time he wasn't going. You say you won't trip again, but how do I know that's true? ANYTHING can set you off. I don't know what to expect from you. He decided that it would be best for us to not continue our pseudo-relationship.

There's only so much a guy can take. I don't blame him for being tired of my insecurities even though he was the cause of most of them. The fact is, he was doing right by me, and I couldn't let go of my issues. Every time I thought of the past, I freaked out. And I verbalized my freak out. I invented scenarios that didn't exist, and even when he tried to reassure me, I found new reasons to freak out. As it turned out, I couldn't handle a pseudo-relationship with someone who hurt me in the past.

The moral of this story is this: If you decide your going to be in a relationship or whatever you wanna call it, with someone you've been through it with, realize its ramifications. If you're not willing to let go of your issues and insecurities, you're not ready to be in it. And if you decide to be in it, you have to be ready to roll with the punches. Especially when they are invisible ones. Let that marinate.

RE: Titles and Labels

Hey there people.

This morning I received an email about my previous post. I appreciate the gesture of sending this private message, but it brings up a topic that I'd like to address publicly:


Hey there Sydney! It’s been a while right?! Anywhoo, I just have a quick question that I wanted to ask you that I didn’t want to ask in your comment section because I felt it was better suited as an email.

Okay, so in your post you said:

A piece of paper saying that two people are united in holy matrimony doesn't mean a thing.

Do you mind if I ask how do you feel about gay marriage rights? Because there are sooooooo many people who are trying to prove the exact opposite of what you are saying . I used to be like: It’s just a piece of paper and as long as Gays & Lesbians are afforded the same rights (through things like civil unions guarantying benefit,tax breaks etc) as hetero folks who cares? It wasn’t until I started law school and kind of started paying attention that I realized that it goes beyond that. And, all things being equal, a piece of paper saying that two people are united in holy matrimony means everything.

I just want to be clear on something. It wasn't my intention to offend any of my readers who are a) very happily married or b) a member of the LGBT community. Please understand that my comments were not intended to belittle the sanctity of marriage as an institution. I know that there is SO much more to marriage than fidelity and, as I said in my post, there's no way I could possibly address every combination of a relationship. My focus was only on the issue of honor within a marriage, or relationship for that matter. Everything outside of that, I won't attempt to speak on because I couldn't do the issue justic. That said, I'd like to reiterate something I probably didn't make entirely clear in my post. I was in no way suggesting that marriage itself is meaningless (I can understand how my statement about "a piece of paper saying two people are united in holy matrimony not meaning a thing" could be misconstrued as such). Though I have never bared witness to a successful, honest marriage, I do believe that when two people are fully commited to each other, it can be a beautiful thing. I was speaking ONLY in regards to fidelity. In this context, certainly the marriage title doesn't stop a person from being unfaithful. I think we can all agree on that. That was my only argument.

What I want you guys to realize is that I'm writing from my personal experiences and perspective. I come from single parent home; my parents divorced because of my father's infidelity (he cheated on my mother with six different women; the result was six half-siblings). What my father did to my mother is the epitome of everything I fear. They were, to her knowledge, happily married for 10 years. But then she found out that he was cheating on her the entire time. So you see, based on my own personal experiences with relationships (having been cheated on and cheated with) and the example of my parents', I am just a smidge disenchanted with marriage at this point in my life.

Mr. Right Now.

What's up blog fam?

Homecoming weekend was an absolute bust lol. I didn't go to a single party. For once, I actually attempted to get into party mode but it just wasn't meant to be apparently. Oh well, we'll see if I'll have better luck on Halloween. Experience--sorry I didn't run into you girly. Let me know when/if you'll be in town again so we can make plans :).

So, last Thursday I set this status on Facebook:

I'm never getting married.

There was nothing in particular that made me write it. Wasn't like I'd got into some huge fight with a dude and was in the mood to swear off men. It was just a thought. I didn't expect it to but the status received three comments almost immediately. One person, the lovely JessicaRae, agreed with me. The second comment was from a family friend: "Do you still plan on having children?" And the third comment was from my grandmother (yes, my grandma is on Facebook): "Don't say that. How else will I have beautiful grandchildren?"

My immediate reaction was to reply to both the family friend and my grandma: "Oh yes! How could I forget? The only way I could possibly have kids is if I got married first. Thanks for the the reminder!" Buuuuut, I didn't want my grandma to know how trifiling I was, so instead I just blocked her from my statuses.

The truth is, I can't say I'll never get married. Because, who knows, someone honorable may be able to convince me that it's a worthwhile institution. But currently, my faith in marriage, and titles in general, is kind of weak. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that relationships, monogamy, and marriages are obsolete. I just think that labels are.

Lately I've just started to recognize how much relationships, and what defines them, are changing at a rapid pace. You have people like David Letterman and Joy Behar, who have been with their significant others for over 10+, but aren't married; people who have been married for less than a year cheating on each other; sex without relationship titles; titles without sex; friends with benefits...I can't even begin to list every variation of a relationship. The point is, labels don't matter. A piece of paper saying that two people are united in holy matrimony doesn't mean a thing. If a man/woman wants to stray, they will. Period.

So, where does this leave us? Fearful, right? Terrified at the prospect of trusting anyone, even on a mere boyfriend/girlfriend level. Because, if marriage isn't going to keep someone from steppin out, what the hell is a 'relationship' title going to do?

This was how I felt at least. And the way I chose to deal with it for a very long while was to just be single and selective. Don't settle for anything or anyone. If he's not showing any indication that he's decent and willing to commit, he wasn't worth a milisecond of my time. I quickly saw how ineffective that approach was.

Robin aka Skinny Black Girl, is infamous for her opposition to the whole date-to-marry approach to relationships. She frequently blogged about how it irritated her the way some women would only date guys if they seemed like marriage material. Well, I was guilty of that. Only, I didn't date anyone, because NOBODY seemed like marriage material (lol). Now, fellas, I'm not trying to insult you. But it's becoming increasingly clear to me that if I continue to wait around for The One, my crotch will surely start accumulating cobwebs. So, I decided, since relationships were changing and men weren't, that I needed to change.

I have to make an important point here. When I say that I changed, I mean my attitude and approach towards dating. In the past, I was title/label obsessed. If we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend, what the hell were we? Friends? Oh no. I didn't do boy friends. The way I changed was that I tried to just chill out on my reasons for dating. Once I realized that I'm in no rush to marry anybody (and no, this didn't just happen when I set that status the other day lol) I was able to just approach dating in a casual way. It's not about finding The One. It's about having fun, meeting new people, finding out what you like and dislike. And somewhere within that process, you may just get lucky and find someone you can see yourself with in the big picture.

Of course this approach doesn't eliminate the fear of getting hurt, which is certainly a legitimate concern. I've grappled with this very real fear for over a month now in regards to the person I'm involved with. On more than three occasions, I freaked out and told this guy that I didn't want to see him anymore because I was afraid of what might happen down the line. I've been through enough pain and bullshit to last a lifetime and I'm in no rush to experience any of it again. But I just had to realize that walking away from something that you enjoy in the moment, out of fear of the future, is a cowardly way to live. You have the choice oftaki ng a risk and possibly experiencing something wonderful, or protecting yourself but constantly wondering 'what it'? Sometimes you have to just take the chance of getting hurt.

Up until this month, I hadn't gone on a date in over in 8 months because I hadn't deemed any guy good enough for even that much. Do I have to remind you all of Mr. Womp? After that date, I was dead set on being single until I was sure a guy was worth of my time. The problem is, you can't figure that out unless you date. It's sort of a Catch 22. Mr. Womp could've turned out to be a great friend but I'll never know because I judged him on one bad date.

So, I'm not suggesting that you abandon your values and lower your standards to find a dude. I'm just saying, if you've been single longer than you'd prefer, consider reevaluating your approach. If you're like I was, waiting for Mr. Right to come around, you just might be waiting forever. Even if he isn't somoeone you can see yourself with long term (or maybe you can, but he's one of those comittophobes who's allergic to the word 'relationship' *ahem*) don't rule him out. He just might be good enough to be your Mr. Right Now.

"We Were On A Break!"

I think we've all seen, if not heard, the infamous episode of Friends where, while Ross and Rachael were on a break, he hooked up with another woman. When they finally got back together, she never let him live it down.





I think it's time I tell you guys with happen between Ex and I. You know, the part that led to our post-relationship drama.

The reason I'm deciding to blog about this now, after over a year of blogging about Ex, is because I'm really starting to question relationship titles lately. Boyfriend, Boo, Beau, Manfriend, Fiance, Friend, F**k Buddies. Relationship, Open Relationship, Marriage...It's all getting a little blurry to me. I guess, since I'm starting to realize how little people seem to honor their relationships with others, I can't help but rethink my old relationships.


We were on our SECOND break. Both were initiated by him. And we all know that a break sucks for the person who didn't want it. I couldn't really blame him for the second one though. I was a Senior in high school and we never got to see each other. I didn't want to ruin his college experience so, I reluctantly agreed.


Where things took a sour turn was that I noticed that he wasn't testing the waters and dating a few different girls. It was one in particular. One girl that he spoke with often, saw often. It began to bother me. I expressed my concern to him, but he wasn't willing to end the break...because he didn't want to hurt her feelings.Stunned and hurt that he would consider this girl's feelings over mine, when we had been dating for a year, I told him that I too would start dating other guys. And it was all downhill from there.


I meant a guy who was in the same boat as me. We found common ground on our detestation of the Break and I guess you could say we comforted each other. Because we shared many of the same interests and tastes, we hit it off really well and really fast. Pretty soon I started developing, what I thought were love-ish feelings for him. But really, just to be honested, I was just desperate as hell. Feeling rejected by the one I really loved, I took comfort in a guy who claimed to care about me. We eventually hook up, and that's where things got messy.


In addition to having a severely guilty conscience, I've always been a TERRIBLE liar. I usually try to refrain from doing things that I'd have to lie about, just to avoid the embarassment of being caught in one. But back then, I wasn't as smart as I am now. So, I hooked up with this guy while Ex and I were on a break. And then I tried to hide it. That lasted for about two days because the sh*t hit the fan pretty quickly. I lied my ass off because I was too afraid to fess up, which only made matters worse. On top of that, by then I was heavily involved with this other guy, whose feelings I didn't want to hurt. But in the end, both guys ended up hurt. Ex VERY quicky rebounded with the girl he'd been getting ultra cozy with while we were dating, and the rest is history.


So, there you have it. My dirt aired out across the blogosphere. Now you see why I felt like I owed Ex something and faught like hell to get him back.


But back to the real point of this story: What's the deal with titles these days? You have married people who swing, or just plain open relationships. You have friends with benefits. And people who are in a relationship both cheat on each other. And you have exs who never really break up. The list is endless.


I don't wanna make you all bias but here's my two cents. While I was definitely wrong for lying, I can't fully feel responsible for the demise of our relationship. WE WERE ON A BREAK! One that I didn't want to be on, to start with. I just went along with it because it felt unfair to see him getting intimate with this chick. And when I say "intimate", I mean that on the emotional level. But more on that later. Anyway, was what I did really any worse than what he did?


With so much boundary crossing these days, what really constitutes cheating? Of course, I was wrong to lie about the things I did, but was I wrong to do them? Did he have a right to be angry? Do you considering hooking up with someone else while on a break cheating? How do YOU define a break?

On Second Thought...

Will you guys let me be irrationally neurotic for a minute?

Well, the overwhelming consensus seems to be that I should go for the date with Mr. TA. I am still a little apprehensive about it, not just because he's 8 years older than me, but also because he's still my TA. Grades aren't in yet, and this date could make or break me. What if he holds it against me if I don't accept? Truth be told, I'm boderlining something serious in this class. I'm trying not to think the worst (that he's trying to get a little somethin' somethin' in exchange for giving me a good grade) but you never know with people these days. And then too, I can't help but wonder why he's interested in me. He said he thinks I'm sexy. But what else? He's a TA to over 200 students. We've had a very impersonal teacher-student relationship, except for the time I contacted him letting him know about my "extenuating circumstances". So, all he knows about me is that I'm a former victim of Depression and that I suck at Geology. What are his motives? What's the appeal? Besides my boobs, that is.

At any rate, I realize that I my over cautiousness may not be just due to fear of rapage, but also due to fear of the unknown. I've never dated a white guy, anyone this much older, and I've never been asked out like this before. I'm a little nervous just because I don't know what to expect. But alas, I know I'm only over thinking the situation, and that it's just one date. I already replied to him, so we'll see what happens. I want somebody to commit to issuing an Amber Alert because if you guys don't hear from me in a week, it's probably because he kidnapped me. And if that happens, needless to say I'm blaming y'all. For realsies.

So today I got a couple of messages on Ok Cupid, that made me rethink my Internet dating idea.

I got a message from an admittedly married dude looking for a "fuck buddy". Instead of replying, I looked at his profile. When asked what were the top six things he couldn't live without he said:

pussy, money, guns, pussy, pussy.

Oh how I hate everything.

About a half hour later, I got a message from a 44 year old guy who condescendingly asked me why I was "stalking" him:

Listen, kid, this is like the second time I've seen you stalking me. You're cute and all, but what's up?

Okay....tell me a little about yourself, and if your nice maybe I'll introduce you to my nephew. He's a great kid and about your age.

By the way, what exactly do you mean by "open minded"? That's become another of those another of those nonsense phrases.

As I mentioned before, the site shows you your stalkers--people who lurk your page but never message. Well, this dude kept winding up in my matches, which made it look like I was going to his page, but I definitely wasn't. I had to set the record straight, informing him that:

Umm, seeing as you're older than my father, I can assure you that I definitely wasn't "stalking" you. For some reason you keep coming up in my Quickmatches. I can't for the life of me figure out why. But I just hid you from my match results so problem solved! Take care, sir.

To that he replied:

HA! Gal, you are a delight!!!

I always wondered why older guys like being insulted by younger gals. ::scratches head::

Finally, I received this message:

u r a q t. wat r u doin on this site?

After taking about 30 seconds to figure out that by "u r a q t" he meant "you are a cutie", I asked myself the same question: What am I doing on this site?

He's right, I am far too fly to be solicited by married men, male chauvinists, and guys incable of writing a complete sentence. In the real world, I don't have problem meeting guys. It's just when I get down here in the boondocks that it's hard to find a man (not a horny, immature, Weezy quoting college boy) who I think suits me. Maybe my decision to e-date was a bit hasty. I'll be back in Chicagoland by this time next week. If I don't get any prospects within the first few weeks home, then I'll consider online dating again (just for the sake of shaking things up). But in the meantime, I'm hanging up my e-bow & arrow.

Even though I've encountered enough douchebaggieness to last a lifetime today, I have to say that online dating does have a lot of blogging potential. I mean, where else can you meet a guy who openly divulges that he's never been circumcised? So, though I won't be an active member, I'm not going to delete my account. I'm thinking it's just what I need to bring me out of my writers block.

Sorry Cupid

Hey lovers.

First off, I just wanted to answer a few of your questions about my TA.

Yes, he is a He. But if he was a She, I'd be equally flattered. (Experience and Gem lol)

Yes, he's attractive. Not "hawt". But cute in a nerdy kind of way.

The funny thing about it is he made sure he waited until we didn't have anymore class sessions together before he sent the message. Maybe his logic was, if I turned him down, at least he wouldn't have to see me again. I found that kind of adorable.

I didn't turn him down though. I accepted his invitation the very same day, but I have yet to hear from him. Perhaps he thought that I was rejecting him because I only accepted his offer to study but not to just "get together"...Oops.

Anyway, I'm posting today because it'll likey be the last time I do for another week or so. Finals are officially here. Ugh. The insanity started yesterday. I somehow overlooked the fact that I had a paper due. In my haste to get home and start writing it, I fell and completely busted my shit and sprang my ankle. Now I'm forced to limp around campus in addition to having to write four papers of mammoth proportions in the span of four days. ::Sigh:: The Karma Police must be out to get me.

But my main reason for posting right now is to tattle on myself about something. Last December, I made a post called Sucks to Be Cupid. It was about how the internet is ruining traditional dating rituals, and the fact that I objected to any type of online match-making. Well people, I sold out and made an online profile. ::Covers face in shame::

I don't even know what made me do it. Maybe it was all the e-Harmony/Match.com advertisements that I kept subliminally seeing in my inbox. But one night I was just up procrastinating instead of studying, and then I suddenly Googled "Online Dating". Annnnd the rest is history.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think there's anything wrong with online dating. But there is something that feels a little last resort-ish about it. For me anyway. I mean, I'm young. Just 20 years old. And for some reason, I'm having a damn hard time finding anyone I'm compatible with in real life. A mere five months ago I was talking about how online dating was the devil, and now I'm doing it. I don't know, the shift makes me feel a little weird.

But I figure it doesn't hurt to look, right? I mean, I'm not using my real name or giving out any personal info. The whole thing seems a lot safer than Facebook dating, if you ask me. In any case, if I'm approached by one creepo too many, I can easily delete the profile and call it a day. But I have to say, so far it's been pretty cool. The site has a pretty comprehensive compatibility system that matches you with people who are really like you and...Oh God, I sound like an e-Harmony commercial, don't I? O.O

Well, I just joined two days ago and have already gotten over ten messages. They even have a "Stalker" page that shows you people who've looked at your page but never messaged you. There've been about fifty of those guys. Speaking of stalkers, I posted a link to my blog on my profile (don't ask me why). I've seen a dramatic spike in my stats from people in the Chicagoland area, so a big welcome to my new Stalkers who came by way of Ok Cupid! Say hi, blog fam ^.^

Anyway, I'm going to dive into my finals now. This may be the last time you hear about my online dating endeavors, unless something exciting happens. But something tells me it wasn't the smartest idea to plug my Love and Dating blog on a Dating site. Thinking about taking it down...

So, tell me guys: Would you ever consider online dating?

p.s.

Just wanted to say that as soon as I'm done with finals, I will be doing blog rounds. I know I have LOTS of catching up to do. Especially with you, QQ. Damn you and your exciting life.

xo,
bloggal

UPDATE

So, why did I just check my email and see this???

Sydney,

I'm sorry to say that I won't be able to meet with you this week. Things got a bit crazy with my thesis here. Sorry to have extended the offer, and then go back on it.

I would like to get together though. I'm not sure how I'm coming across in my email, but I think you're really sexy. =) Do you party? We could just hang and listen to some tunes or something. There's really no better way to get to know someone than by listening to their favorite album. I'm not even sure the interest is mutual, but I hope so.

And just to get it out of the way, I'm 28.

Lemme know,
Chris

OMG! Somebody tell me what to do!!! LOL

I'm a little scuuured now that I know he's 28 though...

The Dealbreaker

It may have been pretty obvious from my previous post, but just recently I had an unfortunate dating experience. It had a promising start. The Guy came over to my building for a movienight. I was very much looking forward to it considering I had a long day at work, and all I wanted to do was unwind, relax, and cuddle perhaps. Anyway, long story short: we popped in the movie, snuggled into bed, and before we could get past the previews, BAM! His breath hit me like a ton of bricks.

Let me try to paint a picture for you guys. Imagine a rat crawling into someone's mouth, dying, rotting for a few days, laying eggs, and then those eggs rotting too. I am well aware of the fact that deceased mammals cannot lay eggs but I'm trying to make a point here. Dude's breath was rancid.

I purposely left the degree to which his breath reeked, out of my question because I wanted to see just how tolerant people could be. Most of you said that you'd be willing to date a person with an unpleasant odor, just as long as it wasn't constant and/or distracting. Well lovelies, this was both constant and distracting. I desperately wanted to get closer to him (because it's been quite a while since I've been cuddled and/or molested) but I just...couldn't. Everytime he exhaled, I gagged. Seriously. It was THAT bad.

The unfortunate part is that I've known this guy for two years now. We've chilled on the friendly tip a few times in the past. On both occasions, I noticed his breath was on ten. But I let it slide for two reasons: 1) I wasn't really romantically interested in him at the time and 2) everyone is entitled to a few bad days of stanky breath. But after hanging with him this past time, I realized that his bad breath isn't a 'sometimes' sort of thing. It's a Halitosis sort of thing.

There are a lot of things I'm willing to put up with in a guy because I realize nobody's perfect. But my non-negotiable Have to Have quality is good hygiene. Yes, it sucks for the guys who have b.o. conditions that they can't help, but it's something I just can't skimp on. I truly cannot be attracted to you if your stink is constantly assaulting my nose. That's just my #1 Dealbreaker.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has certain expectations when it comes to dating. Things that you you just can't let pass. I told you mine, so tell me yours.

What's your dating dealbreaker?

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: A Guide to Ass Kissing and Ego-Stroking

As you guys already know, I've been reading Steve Harvey's book. I started on it Sunday night, didn't give it much thought through the rest of the week. But today, I figured since I would be in the museum for four hours, it was the best time to read it without interruption. Took me less than two hours to complete it and, brace yourselves ladies:

I thought the book was a load of shit.

I know that a few of you reading this are probably like, "This bitch can't be serious. This book was soooo informative, so useful. Steve was on point!" Now, I'm not saying the book wasn't useful. I know it helped somebody. I just happened to think it was a bunch of generalized, ego-driven, one-sided hooey. But, as much as it would please me to, I'm not going to merely say the book sucked. Like a good reviewer, I'm going to give you examples of why I thought it sucked.

Act Like a Lady...


Even though I've have issues with the fact that Steve's writing was kind of atrocious, I'll let it slide for now. I understand he's not a writer so I won't hold that against him. My biggest fault with this book is in his over generalizations of women and his definition of what 'acting like a lady' is.

For starters, the "undesirable" women that he writes about are incredibly stereotypical. Undesirable Woman #1 is an emotional, clingy, gossipy, knit-picky Girly Girl who wants to sit around all day and talk about feelings. Undesirable Woman #2 is an independent, belittling, self-important, ball-busting New Millennium woman who wants quick and dirty, not strings attached sex. Both women embody everything a man doesn't want to settle down with. Steve's advice in a nutshell: Don't be either of these women and you'll keep/get you're man. He fails to acknowledge, however, that the women who fall in the middle still have trouble finding and keeping a man. He simply outlines key behaviors not to engage in (or vice versa) to be the 'lady' men want you to be.

Apparently, to Steve Harvey, one of the key components of acting like a lady is being a kiss ass. In his chapter, The Three Things Every Man Needs, he writes, "We've got to feel kingly even if we don't act kingly." Nothing wrong with a little encouragement. But what he suggests is for women to constantly compliment and validate their men. That's right ladies. If you want to keep your man, stroke his ego and stroke it well. Make him feel wanted, needed. Say to him, "you so big an strong and you're everything I need". And those are Steve's words, not mine.

In addition to ego-stroking, according to Harvey, being a lady means being a damsel in distress. Have an adventurous spirit? Not anymore. Harvey explains how his wife was a thrill-seeker before they married, but changed her ways for him. "Her life is in jeopardy and I can't do anything about it? No sir. No more of that." You see, being a 'lady' is all about making your man feel like your Protector. Don't put yourself in situations where he feels like he can't protect you. Oh, and being a lady also means minimizing your attributes so that you don't make your man feel like less of a man. If you're financially successful, don't flaunt it. Don't display your accomplishments because it may emasculate him. That would be baaaaad.


...Think Like a Man

Men are simple, Steve says. They only need three things, Steve says. Loyalty, support, sex, Steve says. These are their basic needs. If you're lacking in any department, than expect your man to stray. Fair enough.

Women, I'd argue, are simple as well. We want from a relationship, what we put into it. That's what we need. We show our love and devotion to our man, and we expect the same. Seems fair right?

Unfortunately, things aren't that open and shut. You see, according to Steve, our love isn't like their love. "Nothing on this planet can compare to a woman's love--it is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous and sweet and unconditional. Pure...Well, I'm here to tell you that expecting that kind of love from a man is unrealistic. That's right, I said it--it's not gonna happen, no way no how. Because a man's love just isn't like a woman's love." According to Steve, a man's way of showing he loves a woman is by professing it to people around them, protecting her, and providing for her.

Um, that's all well and good, but isn't that kind of expected in a long-term committed relationship? Hell, we do that shit in our own feminine way. Can't we get some of that sweet, nurturing, unconditional, love--the kind that makes us feel loved--that we give them in return? Steve says no. Because that's just "not in their DNA".

*Blank stare.*

What frustrates me about this book, and in general, is the fact that women are expected to change for men. Think like a man. Know what they want and cater to it. Know what they hate and don't do it. But when there is something we don't like about them, we have to live with it because "you can't change a man". We have to accept that men don't like talking about things, cuddling after sex, cheat just because "they can", and that there's nothing we can do about it. Because that's 'just the way they are'. We stroke his ego/kiss his ass, and hope that it'll be enough to keep him from going astray. Forget the fact that they we have unmet needs and desires. We just have to do everything in our power to keep them satisfied.

You've got books like this, shows like Tough Love, and movies like He's Just Not That Into You telling us everything we're doing wrong and how to change it. Maybe I've taken one too many feminist classes, but when the hell are we going to see a how-to guide for men? When is someone going to show them what they're doing wrong? Why does the woman have to think like a man? Why can't the man think like a woman for once?

Ughh. But I digress.

Unfortunately, my overall impression of this book was a big fat Meh/Womp. All it really did was confirm that men are complete self-righteous douchebags by giving me specific examples of how. And to top it all off, it told me that I have to accept the epic flaws of Man, kiss his ass, and be a modern day Stepford Wife if I want him to stick around and do right by me. If this is what it takes to find and keep a man, I might as well shave my head and go lesbo, because I am guaranteed to be single for life.

The only positive thing I can say about this book is, after explaining all the male bullshit, there is a chapter called The Playbook. Tips on how to 'win the game'. It was pretty basic really. 1) be upfront about what you want and don't settle for less 2) hold out on the sex if you want him to take you seriously. Um. Duh. Though we don't always obey these rules, most women know them. So, for me at least, this book didn't offer anything new.

Despite my obvious opposition, my final word would be to encourage women to read this book. Yeah, I hated it, but maybe it'll be useful to you. I understand that my take on this book is drastically different from many women. I'm reading it from a feminist perspective while others may be reading for a solution to their biggest relationship mistakes. My mother thought the book was wonderfully insightful. I thought it was wonderfully archaic and chauvinistic. The point is, different women have different views. So, don't let my review sway you. If you were considering it, I still say give it a read and see what you think. All I'm saying is it wasn't for me. And no matter how much praise this book gets, I ain't drinking the Kool Aid.

Source: Steve Harvey. Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man. 2008.

Acting Like a "Lady"

So, I'm back at school. Wish I could say that my break rejuvenated me, but...meh. Not really. Being that the only thing I had to look forward to turned out to be a true hell date, can't say that my vacation was all that spectacular. But lemme quit complaining. The fact that I was able to sleep late, watch tv, and chill in pjs all day wasn't terrible. Not at all.


It's just that the whole Facebook drama with the BFF and my mom dominated the tail end of my break and kind of stressed me out. The whole next day my mother gave me the silent treatment. Sorta. She talked to me but only in short, cold tones. By the end of the night, I sent her an email (because she's not the confrontational type) apologizing for not standing up for her more. I told her that it hadn't quite hit me how disrespectful it was for my BFF to say those things to her, and how it may have made her felt that I let her off the hook so easily. I assured her that I'd never choose my friendship with the BFF over my relationship with her. The next morning, she called me to her room in tears and gave a really tight, long hug. She kept saying "thank you" over and over. And finally pulled away saying, "that's exactly what I needed to hear".


The reconciliation between my mom resulted in the grudge I'm holding with my friend. Well, not a grudge exactly. I just don't feel like talking to her right now. We're the types of best friends who speak daily, a few times a day. So going three days without verbal communication is kind of a big deal. But I am upset that she didn't consider how her comment would hurt and effect my relationship with my mother. Or at the very least, how it would effect my relationship with her. Again, my mom was totally wrong too, but my friend could've (and should've) been the bigger person. If only to save me the uncomfortable situation of having to choose. But since she didn't, I'm choosing to be my mom's ally for now. Regardless of how things turned out, I made the decision early on to deactivate Facebook. And for once, I really don't miss it.


I don't know if it was because of my date fiasco or if she's trying to give me the same advice she gave my best friend (act like a lady!) but as a parting gift, my mom gave me her copy of Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. She'd been reading it my entire break, and passed the torch like it was a bloody heirloom. I've been annoyed out of my mind that all you hear these days are women quoting the gospel according to Steve Harvey. But, I decided I'm not going to judge the book by its cover and give it a read anyway. Speaking of covers, <---this is a terrible one. I took the paper sleeve off because he reminds me too much of Mr. Potato Head. See the resemblance? Anyway, I hate the idea of jumping on the best seller bandwagon. However, I'm not opposed to self-help books and how-to guides because a select few CAN be helpful. So, I'll give Mr. Potato Head a chance.

Meet _______.

I'm going on a fake blog break.I figured I might as well go ahead and make it "official" since I've been blogging negligently anyway. Those of you who've been around long enough know that I never really stay away. It's just that right now, I'm dealing with the a little thing I like to call Mid-Semester Monotony. It happens to me every single year. I get incredibly bored with my life/routine and I lose all motivation to keep at my schedule. Considering I hardly have enough enthusiasm to do my course work, I figured the best thing for me to do right now is cut out all extracurriculars. The fortunate part is, a break usually comes just in time for my MSM, which means the melt-down doesn't last long. Spring Break is now a little less than a week away...Whoot! Even though I'm not going on a "real" vacation, I'm still getting a very needed change of scenery. I swear, I'm not cut out for this college-town lifestyle. I've always been a city girl; I don't know what the hell possessed me to come to a school where the main attractions are cornfields.

No worries though, after I've taken this sabbatical, I promise to return with mucho gusto. It's not like I have writers block or anything. I just haven't had the time, energy, or motivation to write. School is killing right now...*sigh*. After break (or maybe even sometime during) I know I'll just be itching to write. Especially if things go accordingly.

Okay, guys. So there's kinda sorta possibly a new boo on the horizon. Maybe. I've neglected to write about him because I feel like blogging about potential guys kind of jinxes them. Or I get really annoyed when the guy turns out to be a total douche and I wasted time/space on him. Speaking of, remember Sir Texts A Lot? He and I fell off a while back because it was becoming increasingly clear that he didn't know what the hell he wanted. Said he wanted to be 'friends' and then he'd pull some relationshippy crap. We didn't make it past a first date or even to verbal conversation before I gave him the deuces due to inconsistency. He just texted me a few days ago asking me if I forgot about him. I told him I hadn't. But I was just tired of his ambiguity and didn't feel like putting up with a wishy-washy guy. I'm slowly started to realize that my Bull Shit-O-Meter is getting a super sensitive. Any hint at a Waste-O-Time and it starts blaring.

That said, I'm thinking this new guy is blogworthy. Even if things don't get off the ground, I won't be disappointed that I mentioned him. But still, I'm a little apprehensive about divulging too much information because don't want to get ahead of myself. So, here's a little background.

I met him at a party through a mutual friend over a year ago. He goes to a university in my home town so I've seen him the few times I visited my friend during breaks. There wasn't an instant connection when we first met, possibly because I was still heavily involved with Ex. We only mildly flirted via Facebook photo comments (lame) for the past year, but it wasn't until about a couple of months ago that we took the conversations to private messages. We talked that way for about a month and then we exchanged phone numbers. We've talked on the phone once a week since then, for no less than three hours each time. Loads to talk about, lots in common. He's a Libra, I'm a Scorpio--very cosmically compatible. He's the first guy I've talked to in awhile, who's in my age group but still older than me (21). He's attractive, though not quite my type (I prefer the chocolate brothas; he's high yellow). His only fatal flaw so far? Appears to be quite the ladies man. But what makes up for that is, he's very honest about what goes on him his life, so I couldn't really be shocked or surprised by what he does.

I generally turn my nose up at online/long distance hook-ups, but I'm feeling the way this one is unfolding. We met in person a couple of times, and we're bridging the Get-to-Know-Eachother gap through messages and phonecalls. Everything is still very wholesome (the Sex Conversation has yet to come up) and innocent. We're feeling each other out without the bias and hormones of face-to-face encounters.

I could go into detail about his personality (chill/laid back like me), our convos (never an awkward silence), and our chemistry (there's tons of it) but I'm going to leave it at that. In fact, I'm not going to even give him a nickname yet--he has to earn it. I'll just say, we've made plans to go on a date once I'm on spring break. Depending on how things go, I might have something interesting to blog about when I get back.

Anywhoo, this is my "last" post until I'm on break. I say "last" because for all I know, tomorrow I might just have to blog or something. You never know with me.

Take care you guys! I'll keep creeping your blogs <3.

xo,
bloggal

The "Date" That Ended Too Soon

Yo and hello, blog fam! How were your weekends? Mine was busy, busy, busy. So, busy that I totally and completely forgot about the Grammys. But I hear from a few reliable sources that it was a grand old scandalous fest not worth watching. I couldn't contain my laughter when I found out that Mr. Chris 'Squeaky Clean' Brown was on the run for beating up Rhianna. Wowzers.

My weekend was full of surprises as well--the good kind. On Saturday morning before going to work, I checked my bank account to find that $330 had been deposited into it from my university. WTF??? I checked my school email and saw that they had accredited me a refund because I had some extra scholarship money left. I can't even tell you guys how ecstatic I was. Especially since I've got a bunch of bills coming up, as well as having an over due hospital bill from February of '08 lol. Oh, and not only did I get a refund for that, I also got refunded for the money that that bogus ass vending machine stole from me. Saturday was turning out to be a pretty fantastic day.

But it didn't stop there. While I was at work that day, I received a text from that guy I was crushing on (because he's one of those guys who doesn't know how to pick up a phone and talk, we'll call him Sir-Texts-Alot.) He asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with him...That night. I was giddy of course because it's been a hot minute since I've gone on a date. So, I agreed. We were going to see Taken but it was sold out. Then I suggested He's Just Not That Into You but he said he didn't like chick flicks. We settled for Underworld, which by the way, was sappier than any chick flick I've ever seen. Not worth the money unless you're a fan of the series.

The date went without incident. He picked me up 20 minutes before the movie started and we chatted in the theater for a while. The inevitable "ex" conversation came up; he told me about his, I told him about mine. I told him the Cliff's Notes version of the story and he says, "Ohhh, so ____'s the one that made you defensive?" LOL. Turns out that he's very well acquainted with Ex because they took about four classes together during their Freshmen year. He dropped me off as soon as the movie ended. I was forewarned many times by my BFF not to let him come up to my room, but that wasn't at all necessary. He didn't even ask. He was the perfect gentlemen, giving me a hug and a graciously thanking me for accompanying him to the movies. The whore in me was extremely disappointed in his propriety.

Afterwards, I started thinking, maybe this wasn't really a "date". He and I have had countless text conversations about what it is we're doing. He says that since he just recently got out of a relationship, he's only looking for someone "to talk to". A friend. But my thing is, if you're asking me on a one-on-one date, we've surpassed the "friend zone". Or am I wrong? I feel like I'm just getting a little too old for male friends. Is it just me? Any guy that I'm talking to in my adult life is potential mate material. I'm not looking for a friend. I'm not necessarily looking for a boyfriend either, but I do want to date. That's just where I'm at right now.

So, ever since he told me that he's just looking for a friend (this was before he asked me out), I backed off. Didn't ever text him first and pushed him out of my mind. But then out of nowhere, he asks me on a date and stays texting me out of the blue. However, his body language at the theater was straddling the line between "I like like you" and "I like you as a friend" so I don't know what to think. The unfortunate truth is, I don't know how to just be friends with a guy. At least not now. I only (figuratively) mess with guys who I'm attracted to. Which is why I even give Sir-Texts-Alot the time of day. I like his personality and I'm attracted to him physically too. Being that I've been single for over two years, why would I just want to be his friend?

Was it a date or just friends hanging out? I have no idea. All I do know is that it's been wayyyy too long. Hate to sound like a hoebag, but if this guy is really trying to "just be friends" than I might have to give him the old heave ho. My body needs fulfillment pronto but I've still got the Three Month Rule to think about. So, if he's not trying to get with me at some point, I've got to cut him lose and move on to the next. Of course there's always the chance that he's just trying to take it slow/be a gentleman, but I'm just too much of horny old slut to recognize that.

So, is he just not that into me or do I have good reason to be a little confused?

UPDATE
Let's just be clear on something, for those guys who think they know what's up. I'm not one of those delusional females who read into every little thing a guy does. If any other chick was on the receiving end of his actions and words, she'd be just as confused as I am. I know when to stay and when to walk away so, please, don't try to school me on recognizing subtle hints, fella(s). Seriously. Ugh. Making me want to put another 'ladies only' disclaimer and shit...

The Donut Theory

About of a week ago, I was watching a rerun of Law and Order that sparked a theory in me. Well, that's not entirely true. The theory was mentioned in the show but I sort of arrived to my own conclusions about it. So, the police were trying to solve the murder of a local fire fighter. They began picking up clues that he may have been having an affair. The obvious thought was that his murderer could've been his lover. The only problem was trying to figure out who his lover was. The conversation between the male and female detectives went a little something like this:

Wheeler: If he was seeing someone, the nearest donut theory says she lived near the firehouse.
Logan: The what?
Wheeler: Men are lazy. Even if there's a good meal across town, they'll usually just reach for the nearest donut.

It turned out that the guy was having an affair with another guy who actually worked in the firehouse. But it demonstrates the same point. Men really are lazy and do tend to shit where they eat. And I'm not talking about the normal relationshit (not a typo). I'm talking the messy, shitty shit. The affair-ish shit.


I'll be honest, I used to be the donut. When Ex and I were having our big affair, it was convenient for him since I was right down the hall. We lived in the very same building. He could've taken that five minute drive to his girlfriend's dorm to have his "good meal across town" but instead he settled for me--"the donut". Sidenote: Ugh, never never never again will I allow myself to be the chick on the side. Even though our relationship sort of evolved into that, I should've walked away as soon as he declared her girlfriend. But anyway, after hearing of this Donut Theory, I started thinking that maybe it transcends the physical. Maybe guys aren't just lazy in their sexual endeavors. I'd argue that guys are even lazy in their emotional affairs.


I see it everyday. Guys who stay with girls they don't really love, like, are attracted to, or passionate about. Granted, some stay in relationships for more sentimental reasons, but more often than not, they do so because they don't feel like going through the trouble of searching for someone they're truly compatible with. Now, let's not get this confused with single guys who are serial daters. They have no problem testing the waters and seeing if the grass is greener on the other side. I'm talking about guys in relationships. Those who feel "locked in". Even if the passion/excitement dies, they'll stay in the relationship because the effort it takes to break up, court someone new, and then commit, is just too labor intensive for them. More often than not, they stay in those relationships, however, they end up cheating. Which, often times, eventually gives them the ultimate 'out'.


I've got to make a point here that I am not referring to anyone specific. I don't know the dynamic of Ex's relationship with Baby Spice, so I'm not making these statements based on them. Guys cheat for a number of reasons, and his may not have been because he was unhappy with her. But I am saying, if you (people in general) have to cheat at all, ask yourself why you're doing it. It's because you feel unfulfilled in some way, shape or form. Even if you've got the girl who's good on paper and is everything you should want, if you're not completely happy with her, it's okay. You owe it to yourself to be happy, and if you're not happy with her do what you need to do. Work until you find someone who suits you in as many ways as possible.


I think that women have a better concept of work ethic when it comes to finding their mates. Some call it picky, but I call it selective. If there's a guy who doesn't meet our expectations or leave us feeling fulfilled in the most important areas, we'll leave him in a heartbeat. And we'll keep looking until we find that illusive One. We'll sacrafice the superficial things but we'll never skimp on chemistry, butterflies, or fireworks. Even if we're with a genuine good guy, we'll leave him if the connection isn't there. But men, for some reason, are more inclined to settle. They aren't willing to exert the extra effort it takes to look for someone that they'll be happier with in the long run. They settle for the convenience of having a significant other at the cost of the passion he should be feeling. They'll stay with the girl who's good to them because things are...nice. I mean if they're content, why not stay, right?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being complacent. If you're content with being content, than more power to you. But, me? I want to be more than content. I want to be happy with the person I call my own. So, fellas, you guys can go ahead and grab that Big Mac. I know it's easier. But I'm going to keep looking. And I'm not stopping until I find my Filet Mignon.

From Crushed to Crushing

When you manage to finally get out of toxic relationship that's taken a toll on your emotional health, the last thing you're ready to do is put your heart on the line again. At least that was true for me. For whatever reason, I couldn't seem toconnect with guys. Or better yet, I wouldn't connect with guys because I specialize in self-saboteur. It's a little thing I discovered about myself recently. Whenever there's something that I'm afraid/not ready to do, I somehow manage to convince myself that it was the worst possible idea ever conceived and I was certainly better off not pursuing said idea. Example? That night I went out, I had really convinced myself that partying was a terrible idea, and completely irresponsible this early in the semester. You should stay home and do homework! If you don't, you'll fall behind! is what I convinced myself of and actually believed it. But look how things turned out, I had a wonderful night with my girlfriends AND I managed to get ahead in my homework.

The same way I convinced myself that going out was a bad idea, I also convinced myself that there was no guy out there that I'd ever connect with again. Because I was afraid to even get that close to anyone again, I rationalized that nobody was out there for me. I was so fed up with meeting guys that I didn't connect with or feel any sparks toward, that I kind of gave up. I couldn't understand why guys never seemed to approach me, but the truth was, I was alienating myself. I didn't exude any desire to be approached, and so I wasn't. It may sound like I'm reading too much into myself but, I kid you not, the second I acknowledged the fact that I was subconciously sabotaging every chance I had with a guy, was the moment that opened up to the possibility of chemistry with someone. And you know what happened? I met a guy, and we sparked.

Yep, I've got a crush on someone! Well, I didn't actually "just" meet him. I met him last year, but we never talked like that before. I thought he was cute and nice, but I hadn't been open to anything with anyone so that didn't matter. But this guy could be anybody. I'm not so much excited about who I'm crushing on as I am about the fact that I'm crushing at all. It's been a really long time since I've had chemistry with a guy. Real chemistry that made me want to be around him. I've had about three semi-relationships since Ex and I broke up, but I didn't feel a connection with any of them because I wasn't ready to. They didn't give me butterflies, and I didn't get excited when I thought of them. I didn't even look forward to seeing or hearing from them. They were just rebounds that, though satisfying, were less than fulfilling. But this guy charmed me from the get go. Not charmed me in the a Lost-My-Better-Judgment kind of way. But in the Makes-Me-Feel-Giddy kind of way. I haven't had that in a long time.

So, whether or not this crush goes anywhere, I look at it as a milestone. The mere fact that I'm actually capable of getting excited about another guy shows that I'm slowly but surely letting go and moving on. Before, nobody compared to Ex. I couldn't imagine having the same feelings of passion and excitement with anyone but him. But the fact that there's a guy that makes me feel even a little giddy shows me that I'm ready, really ready, to date again. And maybe even, at some point, love again.

LADIES ONLY

Okay, I was avoiding this post as long as possible. I wanted to just pretend things were all well and good, which they really are in large part. But something that's been bothering me is starting to influence my writing. Or lack thereof. So, I figured I'd better out myself like Oprah did with her weight gain: I'm having a really really hard time getting over Ex.

I know what you're thinking: Um, duh, Bloggal. Just as obvious as that muffin top Oprah's been sporting before she announced it to the world, so is my difficulty moving on. So, why put it out there like it's some big secret? I guess it's because I feel like I'm lying to my blog, my readers. Like I'm trying to convince everyone, including myself, that I'm happy and at peace now that I've cut all ties with Ex. But the truth is, things aren't as peachy as they seem. I'm actually quite miserable. Okay, no. That's an exaggeration. I really am thankful for my current disposition. I have emotional stability for one, which is what I craved all along. But really, the only thing that's stable are thoughts of him. Ugh. Sad, isn't it? But it's true. I am heartsick. And the sooner I admit that, the sooner I can hopefully figure out how to get myself out of this mess.

As I mentioned earlier, I'm also "outting" myself because my dilemma has also been preventing me from blogging. Here's why: I'm trying my hardest to move/forget about Ex, right? Well, blogging primarily about love and relationships isn't exactly conducive to that, is it? Not to mention the fact that this blog has so much of our history on it. Sometimes writing here feels like I'm just perpetuating my love for him, which is why I've contemplated giving up this blog. Not giving up blogging in general, but this particular blog. Maybe a clean slate would help. I don't know. But that's a whole other issue. A whole other post...

Fact is, I'm tired of pretending to be happy. I know they say you've gotta fake it til you make it. But I've been faking it an awful long time. And I'm tired of it. What I want, is my own personal happiness. I admit, before, when I was far more disgruntled and bitter, I wanted revenge. Or, at least for him to feel the pain he caused me. But at this point, all I want is peace of mind. I want to be happy. Do you know, I pray for him at night? Yes, I actually pray for his happiness, protection, and prosperity in everything he does. I guess it's just my way of showing the Universe, God, that I don't feel any animosity towards him anymore. That I genuinely want him to be happy even if it's not with me. But, shit, I want to be happy too!

At this point, it's not even about having a significant other. I'm so damn selective that I've come to terms with the fact that I'm hard to please and will most likely be single until I die, if I don't slightly lower my standards and give any guy a chance. I think the only part of me that even wants a boyfriend is the part of me that's still in love with him. It's the part of me that wants a distraction, something to block those feelings out. Somewhere else to direct them. But in all actuality, I personally enjoy the lack of male bullshit in my life. While I would love to have a companion (and some consistent sex I can depend on) I'd be content single, happy even, if I could somehow lose the feelings I have for him. If there was some way for me to just...all of a sudden not love him anymore. I'm mentally ready to move on, dammit! But my heart won't let me.

We all like to believe that our situations are unique and new, but I know that somebody out there has been there and done that. So, I guess what I need from you (LADIES ONLY PLEASE...seriously, it's a girl thing) is some sound advice. A way to cope until I'm over him. But more importanly, some reassurance that someday I'll be over him. Someday, I'll be able to go a full 24 hours without him crossing my mind at least once...I know women who broke up with their men three years ago and have had zero contact with them since then and they still think of their exs daily. I practically see this guy only a daily basis (though he doesn't see me cause I'm constantly dodging), so is that something I have to expect? To be sprung on this dude for the next 5 years?

So, all the single ladies, veterans, yougin's, married, divorced, seasoned daters, female players, the heart breakers and heart broken-- everybody: please help me out here. I need your take on this, what you'd do or what you did when you were trying to let go of a past love. I need some advice on how to deal because I'm tired of faking it. I'm determined to stand my ground and not contact him because I know the satisfaction will be fleeting and temporary. But the desire to rekindle is very real, and I just need some advice on how to handle the temptation and the impulses. Because the very last thing I need to be doing is running back to him...

Sidenote: I know that there are quite a few family members and friends who somehow foudn their way to my blog. No offense to you guys, but I have one request if you insist on reading: Please don't try to talk to me about my posts. I write what I can't or rather, choose not to, express verbally. So, the last thing I want to do is talk about the things I write on here. If you don't mention anything I write about, and I'll pretend not to know your reading. Thanks:)

It's Not Me, It's You

Yes, you read the title correctly.

I've been learning quite a bit about myself since I've been on break. I've been keeping to myself, staying warm, catching up with the fam. There have been a couple of instances where I've actually left the toasty confines of home and was romantically solicited. But I nipped it in the bud because, either they approached me in the "wrong way" or I just wasn't in the mood. And then remember Frenchie, my first boyfriend/foreign exchange student? Well, we had plans to get together. They kept falling through for whatever reason, so at one point, I gave up on him. I said, "We'll just catch up in the summer." And yesterday, he boarded his flight to Sweden...or Switzerland. Can't remember where.

The whole point of this little rant, is because I came to a few realizations about myself and why I'm single. I seem to have this strange notion that I'm perfect. That I do no wrong. That whenever a relationship goes to shit, it's always "his" fault. Truth be told, I'm probably somewhat responsible more than half the time. I just don't realize.

Now, here are my dating credentials (their a little outdated since I haven't been in a relationship in almost two years): Bright. Witty. Talented. Smart. Supportive. Passionate. Sexy. Sweet. Reserved. Attractive. Selfless. Compassionate. Empathic. Accommodating. Loving. Affectionate...and um, I throw down in the bedroom and kitchen. I'm perfect, right? lol

But no, I'm also a little crazy. And in the past, I haven't been quite able to hide my crazy. I show "him" (let's be clear that "he" is no one in particular just in case a former "he" is reading this) how jealous, obsessive, neurotic, and insecure I am. These are all things that, I admit, can be a smidge bit unattractive. But that's just in relationships. On the dating end, I'm alot more no-nonsense because of all the crap I've been through with Ex. So, I tend to sometimes make harsh, ego bruising comments just to let them know they they're not running shit. Or, I'll thwart a budding relationship when "he" does something that vaguely reminds me of a past failed relationship. I can also be a bit impatient, but that goes back to daddy issues. I tend to emotionally attach pretty quickly, and when I have this revelation, I do something like pick a fight with him so he won't know I really like him. See? Crrrazzzy.

Anyway, whole point is, I realize that it's not entirely the guy's fault when a relationship. I admit, I've got a hell of a lot of issues that emerge ONLY when a guy isn't on top of his game. Though it's a little hard to accept that I may have somehow sabotaged my past relationships, I know it's even more unrealistic to put the blame on "him"

So, I accept partial responsibility for the demise of my relationships. Though I know that "he" was always more to blame than I, I still played a hand in the my relationships ending catastrophically.

...but only, like, a really really small hand. 'Cause I'm semi-perfect and shit.

Sucks To Be Cupid...

Today when I logged into Facebook, I had two notifications. The first said, "You are missing out on flirts because your date card is incomplete. Click here to complete your date card." The second said, "Here are new men for you to meet on SpeedDate..." and proceeded to list the guys who recently joined. Now, I don't even recall signing up for either of these applications (ahem), but that's beside the point. It's the fact that with all of our new age technology, dating isn't what it used to be.

What ever happened to the days of old fashion courting rituals? A guy would see a girl he liked. He'd catch her eye. They'd do a little long distance flirting. And then he'd approach her. I don't remember the last time I was physically approached by a guy. I'm not talking about a Facebook message or any other type of e-holla. I'm talking face to face. It's been a lonnnnnge time.

About a month ago I went to a lecture on campus called, "It's Not You, It's Me: Reflections on Commitment Phobia in the Late Modern Era," given by the author Eva Illouz. In it she proposed that the reason why dating is so complicated in this day and age is because of the way we go about doing it.

She opened with this analogy. In her home back in Germany, there is a larger Jewel-like supermarket she sometimes goes to. She said that she hates the store though, because it is large and crowded with so many brands of the exact same product, that she can never decide on what to buy. So, she prefers to shop at a quaint, private owned supermarket. Even though the prices are higher, she likes that she doesn't have to spend a year trying to decide what type of butter to buy.

What it ultimately comes down to is options. In this technological age, we have everything at our fingertips, including people. So, Illouz's point was that, because we have so many options of who we want to date with the aid of the Internet, it's harder for us to make any actual commitments. Before the Internet Age, people had to actually get to know each other individually. They had to put time into courting each other. But now, we're picky, impatient, and insatiable. We look through online profiles like we're walking through an aisle at the Walmart Supercenter, reading label after label and moving on to the next until we find the perfect product. We spend hours and hours in the bread aisle looking for the perfect loaf, but we never find it.

The point is, because we're living in this fast paced world of instant gratification and infinite options, old fashion dating rituals are obsolete. First there was dating. Then came speed dating. Then there was the Internet dating. And now there's Internet speed dating??? Have we really gotten that lazy?

Ugh, I hate the Internet. It's numbing and obscuring our humanity.

The 80/20 Rule

The way I write about guys I'm dating, you'd think that they were the only ones I talked to. But the contrary is true. I'm not saying I've got dudes lined up around the block, but I do have a few options. It's just that I don't return their advances. It's not that I'm picky. I'm just selective. I may not know what I want, but I know what I don't want. So, when guys like me but I don't like them, I take being single over settling. That may mean that I'm responsible for my own loneliness, but I can live with that. I've been approached by plenty of guys who were fine--I'm talking, my type from head to toe. But their personalities either sucked, or they were boring as hell. I'm not so desperate for male companionship that I'd hook up with someone I felt absolutely zero chemistry with.

I can't help but wonder if I'm missing out though. When I reject guys because of the lack of chemistry, maybe I'm throwing away the chance of a great catch. Maybe sometimes we have to settle for less than we want. If we write guys off because they lack one quality, then it's possible that we're missing out on all of the other ones that we'd love.

Those of you who have seen Why Did I Get Married will remember this scene...Only 28 seconds. Watch it.



So my questio is, if you meet a guy that you don't click with, do you keep trekking in the hopes of finding the one who possesses all the qualities you want, or do you still give him a chance just in case he's got everything else you desire in a man?

What Would You Do?

I think I'm a relationship leper.

Today Mr. Cocky sent me a text saying "I think we shouldn't see each other for the next couple of days."

Damn. What is it about me that makes guys want to take "breaks" all the time?

I tried to contain my dismay (and I think I did a pretty good job) but I can't help but wonder, what the eff? Things were dandy just last night. He and I had gotten over the whole blog incident mere hours after it happened, so that's not it. In fact, we had a good old fashion make out session last night. He had me walking around today looking like a hooch because I had a hicky on my neck that I didn't know was there. (I hate hickies. Guys leaving them reminds me of a dog peeing on a fire hydrant to mark its territory. Ugh.)

He claims the break is because he wants to avoid "another tempting situation". I never got a chance to write about this past weekend. He and I almost did it. We didn't do it, but it came extremely close. It was one of those "did that count?" situations. Anyway, I was really freaked out about it so I told him we needed to slow things waayyyy down. So, now he says he needs space because spending too much time together makes the temptation harder to resist, which I agree with. But I'm just not sure I believe that's the real reason.

I know that I've had a particulary guarded/bitchy/don't-take-no-shit type of attitude towards him. I guess it's because he's clearly used to getting his way, and I wanted to show him things don't come that easily with me. I think that's the real reason why he wants a break. I know I'm probably being nuerotic and overly sensitive right now, because he probably does only want space because I'm too much of a cock tease. But either way, it still sucks to be dissed.

No worries though. It's a Hairflip.



LOL...Get's me everytime.

Sometimes I can't help but ask myself though, what the hell is wrong with me? I'm such an extremist when it comes to relationships. I either act like a total pushover, catering to my guy's every whim to the point of being a doormat. Or I act like an uncompromising hard ass, in attempt not to be walked all over; I either put up with a guys complete bull shit or I leave him at the slightest sign of a flaw. Why can't I ever find a happy medium?

If you were faced a new prospective relationship, but you were trying to protect yourself from being hurt again, how would you handle it?