From Crushed to Crushing

When you manage to finally get out of toxic relationship that's taken a toll on your emotional health, the last thing you're ready to do is put your heart on the line again. At least that was true for me. For whatever reason, I couldn't seem toconnect with guys. Or better yet, I wouldn't connect with guys because I specialize in self-saboteur. It's a little thing I discovered about myself recently. Whenever there's something that I'm afraid/not ready to do, I somehow manage to convince myself that it was the worst possible idea ever conceived and I was certainly better off not pursuing said idea. Example? That night I went out, I had really convinced myself that partying was a terrible idea, and completely irresponsible this early in the semester. You should stay home and do homework! If you don't, you'll fall behind! is what I convinced myself of and actually believed it. But look how things turned out, I had a wonderful night with my girlfriends AND I managed to get ahead in my homework.

The same way I convinced myself that going out was a bad idea, I also convinced myself that there was no guy out there that I'd ever connect with again. Because I was afraid to even get that close to anyone again, I rationalized that nobody was out there for me. I was so fed up with meeting guys that I didn't connect with or feel any sparks toward, that I kind of gave up. I couldn't understand why guys never seemed to approach me, but the truth was, I was alienating myself. I didn't exude any desire to be approached, and so I wasn't. It may sound like I'm reading too much into myself but, I kid you not, the second I acknowledged the fact that I was subconciously sabotaging every chance I had with a guy, was the moment that opened up to the possibility of chemistry with someone. And you know what happened? I met a guy, and we sparked.

Yep, I've got a crush on someone! Well, I didn't actually "just" meet him. I met him last year, but we never talked like that before. I thought he was cute and nice, but I hadn't been open to anything with anyone so that didn't matter. But this guy could be anybody. I'm not so much excited about who I'm crushing on as I am about the fact that I'm crushing at all. It's been a really long time since I've had chemistry with a guy. Real chemistry that made me want to be around him. I've had about three semi-relationships since Ex and I broke up, but I didn't feel a connection with any of them because I wasn't ready to. They didn't give me butterflies, and I didn't get excited when I thought of them. I didn't even look forward to seeing or hearing from them. They were just rebounds that, though satisfying, were less than fulfilling. But this guy charmed me from the get go. Not charmed me in the a Lost-My-Better-Judgment kind of way. But in the Makes-Me-Feel-Giddy kind of way. I haven't had that in a long time.

So, whether or not this crush goes anywhere, I look at it as a milestone. The mere fact that I'm actually capable of getting excited about another guy shows that I'm slowly but surely letting go and moving on. Before, nobody compared to Ex. I couldn't imagine having the same feelings of passion and excitement with anyone but him. But the fact that there's a guy that makes me feel even a little giddy shows me that I'm ready, really ready, to date again. And maybe even, at some point, love again.

LADIES ONLY

Okay, I was avoiding this post as long as possible. I wanted to just pretend things were all well and good, which they really are in large part. But something that's been bothering me is starting to influence my writing. Or lack thereof. So, I figured I'd better out myself like Oprah did with her weight gain: I'm having a really really hard time getting over Ex.

I know what you're thinking: Um, duh, Bloggal. Just as obvious as that muffin top Oprah's been sporting before she announced it to the world, so is my difficulty moving on. So, why put it out there like it's some big secret? I guess it's because I feel like I'm lying to my blog, my readers. Like I'm trying to convince everyone, including myself, that I'm happy and at peace now that I've cut all ties with Ex. But the truth is, things aren't as peachy as they seem. I'm actually quite miserable. Okay, no. That's an exaggeration. I really am thankful for my current disposition. I have emotional stability for one, which is what I craved all along. But really, the only thing that's stable are thoughts of him. Ugh. Sad, isn't it? But it's true. I am heartsick. And the sooner I admit that, the sooner I can hopefully figure out how to get myself out of this mess.

As I mentioned earlier, I'm also "outting" myself because my dilemma has also been preventing me from blogging. Here's why: I'm trying my hardest to move/forget about Ex, right? Well, blogging primarily about love and relationships isn't exactly conducive to that, is it? Not to mention the fact that this blog has so much of our history on it. Sometimes writing here feels like I'm just perpetuating my love for him, which is why I've contemplated giving up this blog. Not giving up blogging in general, but this particular blog. Maybe a clean slate would help. I don't know. But that's a whole other issue. A whole other post...

Fact is, I'm tired of pretending to be happy. I know they say you've gotta fake it til you make it. But I've been faking it an awful long time. And I'm tired of it. What I want, is my own personal happiness. I admit, before, when I was far more disgruntled and bitter, I wanted revenge. Or, at least for him to feel the pain he caused me. But at this point, all I want is peace of mind. I want to be happy. Do you know, I pray for him at night? Yes, I actually pray for his happiness, protection, and prosperity in everything he does. I guess it's just my way of showing the Universe, God, that I don't feel any animosity towards him anymore. That I genuinely want him to be happy even if it's not with me. But, shit, I want to be happy too!

At this point, it's not even about having a significant other. I'm so damn selective that I've come to terms with the fact that I'm hard to please and will most likely be single until I die, if I don't slightly lower my standards and give any guy a chance. I think the only part of me that even wants a boyfriend is the part of me that's still in love with him. It's the part of me that wants a distraction, something to block those feelings out. Somewhere else to direct them. But in all actuality, I personally enjoy the lack of male bullshit in my life. While I would love to have a companion (and some consistent sex I can depend on) I'd be content single, happy even, if I could somehow lose the feelings I have for him. If there was some way for me to just...all of a sudden not love him anymore. I'm mentally ready to move on, dammit! But my heart won't let me.

We all like to believe that our situations are unique and new, but I know that somebody out there has been there and done that. So, I guess what I need from you (LADIES ONLY PLEASE...seriously, it's a girl thing) is some sound advice. A way to cope until I'm over him. But more importanly, some reassurance that someday I'll be over him. Someday, I'll be able to go a full 24 hours without him crossing my mind at least once...I know women who broke up with their men three years ago and have had zero contact with them since then and they still think of their exs daily. I practically see this guy only a daily basis (though he doesn't see me cause I'm constantly dodging), so is that something I have to expect? To be sprung on this dude for the next 5 years?

So, all the single ladies, veterans, yougin's, married, divorced, seasoned daters, female players, the heart breakers and heart broken-- everybody: please help me out here. I need your take on this, what you'd do or what you did when you were trying to let go of a past love. I need some advice on how to deal because I'm tired of faking it. I'm determined to stand my ground and not contact him because I know the satisfaction will be fleeting and temporary. But the desire to rekindle is very real, and I just need some advice on how to handle the temptation and the impulses. Because the very last thing I need to be doing is running back to him...

Sidenote: I know that there are quite a few family members and friends who somehow foudn their way to my blog. No offense to you guys, but I have one request if you insist on reading: Please don't try to talk to me about my posts. I write what I can't or rather, choose not to, express verbally. So, the last thing I want to do is talk about the things I write on here. If you don't mention anything I write about, and I'll pretend not to know your reading. Thanks:)

Crazy-Bitch Blurbs

I love my museum job. I was made for it. To some people, standing in a quiet art gallery for hours could be the most boring occupation imaginable, but not to me. After all the hustle and bustle of the work week, it's a nice slow down. Since I'm in there for eight hours, there's no rush. I can clear my head and think for as long as I need to. It's usually a good thing, as it gives me time to reflect on things I've repressed for the past week. But this weekend, all I could think about was what I said I wouldn't talk about. More specifically, who I said I wouldn't talk about. I made a promise, and I'll keep it. But before I can keep it, I've got to rant for a minute lol.

*So I've been thinking about him alot lately. I could say it's due to what recently happened. Or because I recently had sex with him. Or because I'm currently off the market, and I have the tendency to think about him when no one else is in the picture. Maybe it's a combination of all of these things, because whatever it is, I can't stop thinking about him. And it's driving me crazy. I've learned to control my impulses, so I don't act on the thought of texting/calling him everytime he pops into my mind. But the thoughts still occur as frequently as the did before, when I was in the midst of my situation with him. And I can't quite figure out why. I guess that's my Big question: Why now? Why, after all this time, can't I get him out of my head?

*It makes me think of that episode of Sex and the City, when Charlotte talks about Great Loves. Ex was mine--the "one that shook me to my very core. The one that, after which I was never the same..." Yep, that's him. But, I thought that you were supposed to eventually move on. Get over the Great Love. I feel like I'm over him, but something still remains and I don't quite know what to call it.

*"Don't look back at a new direction/I loved you once, needed protection/You're still a part of everything I do/You're on my heart just like a tattoo."

I loathe this song for some reason but it's true.

*I saw him with his girlfriend together at lunch before I went to work today. No matter how much time goes by, it shakes my system everytime. They were sitting at a table and I was looking for one. I made momentary eye contact with his girlfriend before I realized it was her. I stole a glance at him. He gave me a barely detectable pinky wave, I gave him my "well whadduya know" smile, and made my getaway. The tension was palpable, as it always is. At least my hair was on point today lol. It sucks to run into your ex and his new girl while you're looking like a wreck. Anyway, I thought I wasn't fazed by it until I realized I was shaking almost uncontrollably when I attempted to serve myself from the salad bar (croutons all over the place, hot ass mess lol). But what's with that??? How is that still my reaction seeing them together after allllll this time?

*It's kind of pathetic that I still even care. I mean, it's clear that he doesn't anymore. And he shouldn't. Normal people move on, and that's what he did. But there's something inside of me that can't--won't--let go. As much as I want to...

I used to think it was about closure. But it isn't. I got closure a long time ago. Sometimes I think maybe I am still in love with him but I don't know it. Other times, I think it's my romanticized idea of the First Love. You know the way it works in the movies. You date...break up...date...break up...date...break up for three years...and then you realize that you couldn't find anyone better than your first and so you marry them. Maybe I've watched Sex and the City the movie one time too many lol. The fairy tale ending doesn't look like it's in the cards for me and Ex. He and his girl are never breaking up. I'm sure of it. They have their petty fights but they get each other...

*Ugh, I just hate that they're together. I might bitch about him and say mean things about her, but what it comes down to is, I can't stand that he's with her! I can't stand that he's being the boyfriend I wanted him to be, with her. I can't stand that there's just something about them that...works. It doesn't hurt me the way it used to. It's not the pain in my heart that it used to be. It's the rock in my shoe that just irritates me. So, maybe it's not him. Maybe it's not them. I think it's HER. SHE'S the one that he left me for. SHE'S the one that he cared for more than me. SHE is the constant reminder of what I went through to try and be with him. If it was anybody else, I could take it. I'm not opposed to seeing him with someone new. In fact, I'd prefer it. I think it would make our friendship better. But it's her. It's still her...I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!

...And with that, the Crazy-Bitch Rant has reached its conclusion lol.

But seriosuly, we officially broke up over a year ago. They've been together about as long as we've been apart. And I'm still on this bullshit. Somebody please talk some sense into me lol.

Retraction.

I think we can all agree to an extent that the people we are on our blogs aren't exactly the same people we are in real life. GLO, I know you wouldn't be cursin' up a storm in the work place the way you do on your blog. Same with you, Jaded. And Q, you'd never call Talky Bitch that to her face. And Karrie, you wouldn't--well, nevermind. I forgot you're the girl who said "cunt" to her own momma lol...The whole point is, we all take safety and solace in knowing that no one in the "real" world reads our blogs. It's like leading a double life; sometimes we're a litte two-faced. We say shit we wouldn't normally say. We talk about people we wouldn't normal talk about. As writers, we allow our creative juices to flow and we sometimes embellish a little. I know I do. Which is why...

I am abosolutely mortified.




Earlier today, I made a post about Ex and I having sex on Homecoming weekend (yes, I'm still a homewrecker, but judge me later). If you haven't read it already you'll never get a chance to because I deleted it. As much as it killed me to--because that post took a good hour to write--I did it by request. Yes dear readers, say hello to Ex because he is reading right now.


He called me about an hour ago and we had a nice long chat. Turns out he read my blog through and through pretty much--from it's hellish beginnings up until now. He told me he was hurt by the things that I said about him and I can understand why. This blog is basically built on a story of heartbreak and pain that was the result of a relationship with him, therefore, alot of the times I mentioned him I may have said some less than benevolent words. He feels like I've portrayed him as an asshole, a sex fiend, a liar, and a cheater. I didn't think that was true until I read through the posts myself and realized that the majority of the things I've said about Ex were negative. The truth is, while he and I do still have our differences, we are friends today. And I admit, it is a bit unfair of me to only write about the bad things he's done. So, Ex, consider this an apology and a retraction, among other things.



Now ladies, I know you may not be crazy about the fact that I'm issuing this public apology, but I'm doing it because I think it's necessary. I admitly have said some very harsh things about Ex, and I can understand why he's hurt. If I hated him like my writing on here implies, than my behavior towards him should reflect that. But it doesn't because I don't hate him, which is why it came as such a surpise/disappointment for him to read the things I've said about him. It's not so much the old slander that bothered him as it was the recent stuff. Things I've said when we were supposedly "cool". So readers, please excuse me now while I kiss my ex's ass. Feel free to stop reading.


Here's the real truth:



Ex and I are on good terms right now. Well we were before this. While I do have some risidual feelings for him, I am for the most part over our little love triangle. I do at times secretly miss him but it all passes before the end of the day. That said, if I ever gave the impression that he is a total jerk, it was false. Everything I write here is based on my real life experiences. I write as things happen to me, but as a writer, I do exaggerate for the sake of narrative. Don't get me wrong, nothing I write here is fabricated or untrue, but I do embellish sometimes. And these little embellishments can mean the difference between Ex simply seemingly lile a heartbreaker versus him seeming like the Devil. So, although Ex may come off as an asshole from my writing, he's isn't. My post from earlier today was extremely one sided, so I know he looked like a big man whore. He's not though. He's human and makes mistakes, and it was kind of grimy of me to only point out (and exaggerate) his flaws. In spite of his mistakes and everything I went through with him, he really is a nice guy. Seriously.



I know what you're probably thinking, Ex. Bullshit. Total bullshit. But it's true. I do think you're a nice guy. And I know you're wondering why I'd write these things if I didn't hate you. Yeah, you broke my heart, but if I'm as "over" as I say, than my writing needs to reflect that, right? Mmhmm, there-in lies the problem. I am still just a little bitter. It is hard to accept that you and her are still together, even after alllllll this time gone by. If you really did read my blog as thoroughly as you said, you probably remember reading this:


He does the sweet boyfriend things that I always wanted him to do when we were together...How can I not take it personally. Everything I always wanted from him, he can do for her. I think that's the real reason we can't be friends. I'll always resent him. She's a constant reminder that I wasn't good enough for him. That it wasn't that he couldn't commit. It was that he wasn't willing to commit to ME. For a long time I wondered, why her? But now I know the real question is, why not me?

So, I admit. There is still a little animosity there. And it might occasionally leak out in my posts. But, I really do sincerely apologize for hurting your feelings and being that two-faced little bitch we all know and hate. No matter what you've read hear, I do still care for you and I considered you that friend I could call on if I ever needed to, even if we didn't talk daily....I do still love you, Ex. Even though I'm not "in love" with you anymore, you're still a person that I hold near and dear to my heart. And I'm terribly sorry that I've hurt you and betrayed your trust. I TOTALLY understand if you never confide in me again, but I just want you to know that I don't hate you. I still deeply care for you and I still think you're one of the coolest people I know. Yes, despite all that bullshit. And I'm sorry that you had to see this blog because I know it doesn't reflect that...

But seriously, Ex is not just my ex. Nor is he an asshole, a sex fiend, a liar, or a cheater. He's my friend. And I guess that makes me a bad friend for making him out to be the villain all the time....And, I guess that also means I should stop bitching about the past and just get over it, right?

Right....

UPDATE: Please take my poll--> Thanks:)

Damn, Damn, DAMN!

I think Ex read my blog.

Remember when I mentioned that he stopped by my room the other day, but said it wasn't worth elaborating on? Well, maybe I it was.

It was a completely random and unexpected visit so when he knocked on my door, I was in the process of blogging. I yelled, "Come in!" because I figured it was just a floor mate or someone. Once he walked in, I tried to minimize my blog but before I could, he caught sight of it. So, he of course, wanted to read it. I didn't mind showing him the latest entry that I'd made because, for once, it wasn't about him. But I realized that I had recently made a few posts about Mr. Cocky, and I didn't want him to see them, so I kind of made a fuss about him not scrolling down. Anyway, he eventually gave up and we chatted a while longer before he left.

That was Monday. Tonight I ran into him and he seemed kind of weird. Though he was on the phone, he barely made eye contact or even said hello. So, once I made it back to my room, I gave him a call but he didn't answer. About ten minutes later, he calls back and greets me in the coldest tone. I asked if everything was okay, and he insisted that it was, but I could tell it wasn't. After a while, he admitted that something was bothering him, but said it was 'no biggie'. At first I thought it was a fight with his girlfriend, but it turned out that it was something about me. After nearly 15 minutes of trying to get it out of him, he got off the phone with me because he was on his way to his girlfriend's house.

Okay, he definitely knows about Mr. Cocky, was my initial thought. But how? I started to wrack my brain for possible explanations. Is Cocky going around bragging to his friends? Did that nosey girl on my floor turn out to be a friend of Ex, and she told him that she heard me getting freaky at 5 in the morning?

And then it hit me. Gasp...My blog!!!

Thinking back on the moment when Ex was fighting to read my blog, I realized that, for a good 10 minutes the URL was in plain view. He could've easily seen it, took a mental note, and visited it later..It may sound a bit nuerotic and far fetched, but I don't know what else to think.

Ugh, I'd be mortified if he read my blog. If he's reading it right now....I hate that I still care what he thinks of me. And I hate that he can still get to me like this. Only him...

I'm so used to being persistent when he does the whole tight lipped routine, but I'm wondering if I should just leave it be this time. If he knows, he knows. If he thinks I'm a slut for it, then so be it. I guess I feel the need to explain my actions to him for some reason. But I know I don't owe him an explanation.

Remind me I don't owe him an explanation...