Trippin'

Didn't I just tell ya'll I still had issues?

I'm going to tell you guys a little story and I hope someone gets something out of it.

So, I was seeing this guy. He and I had a history that was at best...difficult. We were off and on, on and off for a long time. Finally, we were able to get along and be cool. We were friends. Then his circumstances changed, and suddenly it was okay for us to be more than friends. Only, niether of us were ready to take that definitive step. So, instead we decided to play it cool. Go with the flow. Just enjoy what we had without attempting to define it.

All was well until I started to get paranoid. I started thinking ahead and thinking behind. What if this happens? I can't forget when THAT happened. I'd freak out and tell him that I didn't think we should see each other anymore...and a day later I'd realize that I was TRIPPIN'.

We'd discuss what made me trip, and he agreed to make an effort to make me feel more secure about our 'relationship'. All is well and then a week later I get paranoid again. Only, for a different reason. I bring it to his attention and tell him, I'm not sure we're on the same page here. I mean, I can be okay with this kind of relationship but I can't be forever. TRIPPIN'.

He acknowledges my concerns and agrees to put forth even more effort to keep me comfortable. Two weeks go by without incident. Until one weekendm he has a ton of homework to do. He informs me that he'd be busy with a project for most of the weekend. He's lying...He's not doing homework. He's out romancing some other chick. I resolve that I can't trust him, I am completely unable to handle our relationship and that I don't think we should see each other anymore.

It doesn't take me very long to realize I was, what? TRIPPIN'.

I tried to fix it, but this time he wasn't going. You say you won't trip again, but how do I know that's true? ANYTHING can set you off. I don't know what to expect from you. He decided that it would be best for us to not continue our pseudo-relationship.

There's only so much a guy can take. I don't blame him for being tired of my insecurities even though he was the cause of most of them. The fact is, he was doing right by me, and I couldn't let go of my issues. Every time I thought of the past, I freaked out. And I verbalized my freak out. I invented scenarios that didn't exist, and even when he tried to reassure me, I found new reasons to freak out. As it turned out, I couldn't handle a pseudo-relationship with someone who hurt me in the past.

The moral of this story is this: If you decide your going to be in a relationship or whatever you wanna call it, with someone you've been through it with, realize its ramifications. If you're not willing to let go of your issues and insecurities, you're not ready to be in it. And if you decide to be in it, you have to be ready to roll with the punches. Especially when they are invisible ones. Let that marinate.

I'll Be Happy When...

When you release small snippets of your life--what you're doing, current frames of mind--you're pretty much putting yourself out there and allowing yourself to be an object of scrutiny. I realize that's what I've done by blogging about my Ex. And understandably, I've been getting some backlash and not so good feedback about the fact that we still correspond. At first I made up my mind to build up my little bubble again, and keep all things Ex-ish unspoken. But instead, I'd rather say a few things to make a post to set record straight about who I am, who he is, and who "we" are. Just to clear some doubt for some of you who are critical of the friendship I have with him.

As some of my older readers may know, I went through a pretty rough patch in February. I was having problems accepting the reality of my relationship with Ex. It broke my heart that I had deep feelings for him, but it seemed like all he wanted from me was sex. I made up my mind, as I have on various occasions, to stop talking to him. It was the advice I was getting from all my friends and family. STOP TALKING TO HIM! Avoid him at ALL costs! If you see him, run in the opposite direction! If he tries to talk to him, look straight through him! Be an outright Bitch! And most importantly, pretend he doesn't exist!

For a long time, I took everyone's advice. I tried to steer clear of him as much as possible. I deleted his phone number. I mean-mugged him when we crossed paths. I tried to pretend he didn't exist. But the more I pretended, the more he did exist. I ran into him everywhere. I rerouted my path and he somehow wound up in it. I changed my schedule, and there he was. I felt like he was some bad omen. It made me feel terrible because I couldn't get rid of him. I felt trapped. Like the only way I'd ever really find peace would be to move. Or leave my school.

I made it to the end of the year in one piece, ecstatic that I'd be able to get away from him. Even more ecstatic that the next year, our residencies would be totally different and we wouldn't EVER have a reason to run into each other. That is, until I realized that his girlfriend would be staying directly across the street from the apartment I'd be living in.

I was exasperated. Will it ever end??? Why can't I get away from him? Why is the Universe forcing us together? Why can't I just have peace and move on from him?

I ascertained that the rest of my collegiate career would undoubtedly be ruined if I stayed in another area where I'd run into him again, so I gave up my apartment. Forget that I had no idea where I would be staying next semester. I was guaranteed to not be around him OR his girlfriend, and that was all that mattered to me. I always swore that the only real way for me to move on from him was to get physical distance from him. But for some reason, I couldn't shake this guy. I couldn't for the life of me get away from him.

Does anyone else see how ridiculous this mentality is?

When I went to the meditation center, I came to some heavy realizations about myself. I was the girl who blamed everyone and everything else, without even realizing it. I was the I'll be happy when...Girl.

I'll be happy when he breaks up with her.
I'll be happy when he ends up with me.
I'll be happy when I have some space.
I'll be happy when he stops calling me.
I'll be happy when I graduate and move.
I'll be happy when I'm with someone new.

The list could go on for days and days. But the truth of the matter is, none of these things could ever make me happy if I'm still holding on to pain in my heart. Pain, anger, resentment, jealousy, longing. These are all things that were inside me. So, no matter how far I ran, or whether he broke up with her or not, I'd still be miserable because I'd still be holding all those toxic feelings inside. The only way to really be happy was to eliminate THOSE things. I had to stop relying on external factors to make me happy, because that's really all those things were. I hinged my happiness on some event that could possibly never happen. Some things that I had no real control over. And even if I did have control over them, those things wouldn't resolve the pain I was harboring. So, in affect, I crippled myself. Restricting my happiness to a few unlikely occurrences was inhibiting my ability to be happy at all. The only way to be happy was to get to the root of my pain. Deep inside of me.

That's exactly what I was able to do with Vipassana. And as a result, I've been able to release all those feelings that kept me unhappy. All of them. Now, I'm not saying that I'm immune to pain or heartbreak. Believing that would pretty much set me up for disappointment. But I have employed the principles of Vipassana in dealing with anything life throws at me. A cruel comment, an insult, a mistake. It's a fleeting moment. It's impermanent. So, why let it get you down? You see, we have no control over what happens to us in life. But we DO have control over how we react. We DO have control over how long things effect us. We have control over ourselves.

I used to think it was God's twisted sense of humor who forced us together so often, when all I desired was to be apart from him. But now I'm starting to realize that He's forcing us together as a challenge to me. Whenever I'd run away from Ex, things would always go the same way. I'm able to keep up the dodge game for a while, but at the expense of my nerves. Everywhere I went, I was nervous I'd run into him. And when I did see him, my heart would beat a mile a minute as I tried to pretend not to see him. I'd try to look like I was happy and calm, when I was really freaking out on the inside. I'd get frazzled by the entire encounter. Not to mention, it kept me on guard about seeing him at all times. In the end, I'd always end up back in the same position when I was found. Sleeping with him, and hating myself for being so weak-willed. Is this way of life really conducive to getting over a person? Not for me.

It took me a long time to realize that, what works for some people, doesn't work for all. Some find that they are their strongest when they erase all traces of their exs from their lives. When they totally and completely cut all ties. But I've found, since coming back from Vipassana, that I've been my strongest when I am in contact with my ex. In my case, it was pure weakness that made me run. But it's strength that's making me stay and face the music. Because, essentially, I'm facing myself.

There were a couple of friendships and relationships that, prior to going to the camp, I was ready to cut off. Some, because I didn't think I was strong enough to handle, and others because I didn't feel like dealing with the drama and negativity they had in their lives. But I learned that, blocking people from my life just because it takes too much effort to maintain the relationship, is pure cowardice. And I'm speaking of my male and female friends now. So, I decided to not run from them, and make an effort to fix them.

I know I've demonized Ex something serious on this blog. I've written about how much he's hurt me. It's no wonder you guys think it's a bad idea for me to remain friends with him. And it's totally understandable why you'd wonder how I'd want to be friends with someone who has broken my heart so many times. But the truth is, he's a good person. And the mistakes he's made in the past doesn't take away from that. Just as I didn't consider myself any less of a good person when I was in my messy affair with him. People make mistakes. Even good ones. And, while I wouldn't consider him as a romantic partner ever again, I do consider him a good friend, and I do have love for him. We do have friction sometimes, but what friendship doesn't? Friendship wise, we're great. It's only when things get physical, that things get messy. I'm taking great precaution to ensure that doesn't happen.

I know some of you are still unconvinced, but that's alright with me. I know myself. I know the peace I've found. And I know that I'm happy. Really and truly, I'm happy. A lot of people in my life, present company excluded, have tried to convince me that my happiness is just a phase. That, when the going gets tough, I'm going to stop meditating and fall back into my old miseries. I merely laugh those people off. Because, what they don't realize is, they only make me stronger. They make me more determined. They only fuel my ability to let their negative comments roll off my back. I've learned far too much about myself through my journey to allow something like Words kill my joy.

Infidelity: Emotional vs. Physical

Which do you think is more hurtful?

The Ex Box

Last night my sister was doing a little pre-Summer cleaning. She cleared out all the spaces that have been occupied by old boxes of high school text books and VHS tapes long forgotten. She called me in every once in awhile to give me some of my old possessions that somehow wound up in one of her boxes. A couple of old books, journals, and movies were among the goodies that I took to my bedroom eager to look through. One of the books was called The Female Brain. I remember reading it in my senior year of high school, but I never finished for some reason. Anyway, I opened the book to page one, and a letter fell out. After reading a few lines, it didn't take me long to realize it was a love letter that Ex had written me while we were at our best.

The note was typed in Word, single spaced, a page and a half long. In it he poured his heart out to me. He wrote about how much he loved me, how he could never live without me, how he wanted to marry me. I have no doubt that he meant these things at the time he wrote the letter, but I couldn't help but feel like these words were not his. He and I have changed so much since we were 17 (yes, I know that was only a few years ago lol) that we're hardly recognizable...Reading his letter was surprisingly emotional for me. Seeing his loving words took me back to how I used to feel about him, and I sort of feel for him now deep down. Before I knew it I was crying. Thinking about what went wrong, how he hurt me, how I hurt him, what we could've both done differently, etc. The crybaby fest only lasted a few minutes, because that was as long as I'd allow it to.

Afterwards, I folded the letter up and placed it in my box of mementos. Tucked it in with all the diaries I've had and birthday cards, and other miscellaneous things I've received since I was 8 or 9 years old. Of course this prompted me to rummage through my old keepsake box, as I do every six months or so. In it I found home made gifts, teddy bears, love notes, pictures, and cards from my exs. As I looked at each piece of memorabilia, I couldn't help but wonder, was it a bad idea for me to keep all of these things that reminded me of my exs?

Some people have different ways of dealing with break ups. Some get rid of everything that reminded them of that person. Music, emails, pictures, texts. Some even rearrange their furniture so that they can forget what it was like to cohabitate with that person. But me, I've never been that type. Sometimes it sickens me how sentimental I can be. I've never been the type to do the You Don't Exist To Me sort of thing, but maybe I should. I mean, it's not like I look through this box every day, reminiscing and whining about how things didn't work out. But at the same time, does it really do me any good to keep them? I don't know.

I'm still debating whether or not I'll get rid of my Ex Box, but I'm just curious what you guys do. When you end a relationship, is it the end of that person as you knew them? Or do you hold on to the things that remind you of the good times you had with them?

Love @ First Spark.

So, I got the responses I expected to the love at first sight question. But I have another one for you guys: Do you believe in love at first spark? Is it possible to vibe so well with a person during that very first encounter/conversation that you are instantly smitten?

I definitely believe in love at first sight, though it's incredibly rare. It is true that, often times people misinterpret lusty, physical adoration as love at first sight. But there are some cases when a man or woman instantly recognizes that someone is the One. On sight. It's not rational. It's not superficial. They just pick up on something about this person. Something soulfoul, something internal. They are drawn in, in a way that they never had been before. And, though they may not call it love at first sight, they'd realize later that's exactly what it was.

This hasn't ever happened to me but I'm saying, I do believe it can.

I do, firmly, believe in love at first spark. Not merely lust, chemistry, charm, or infatuation. I believe that two people's energies can mesh so well; that the compatability is so palpable; that conversation is so easy; that their personalities are so aligned, that you can truly gauge that person is a keeper the instant you converse with them.

But maybe that's just me.

Love @ First Sight.

Do you believe in it?

I think I do...<3

So What I'm Not In Love...

I just can't get enough of this song...



I wanted to embed the real video but it was disabled. Click here to watch it. It's hot.

Stupid Girl's Advocate

This morning, my blog feeds were flooded with reports of Chris Brown and Rihanna getting back together. I clicked on the headlines, saw the incriminating photographs, and the comment sections that followed. The consensus was basically this:

That girl is stuuuuuupid.

Alot of people are saying that it's extremely irresponsible of her to go back with him because it's teaching other young women to go back to their abusers. Well, that might be true. But people need to realize that she is a growing young woman. She isn't perfect. And I know that everybody is saying, she's a celebrity. Being a positive role model comes with the job description. Fuck that, though. She's human, just like you and me. And she's going to make some dumb decisions. Just like you and me.

I think it's pretty obvious why I'm playing Stupid Girl's Advocate. I feel pretty ridiculous every time I have to blog about my latest shortcoming. But, thanks to my more experienced blog sisters, I'm starting to realize that every young woman is entitled to making a few stupid mistakes, major or minor. Young and old, we don't always make the best choices. Truth be told, she is super stupid to take Chris back. But, I can't help but empathize with her. How many times have I made the mistake of going back to Ex? Too many times to count. Making stupid relationship choices is a rite of passage. What sucks for Rihanna, is that she's making these stupid decisions on a world stage. Everybody can see it. And everybody's shaking their heads and wagging their fingers at her. I'm mortified enough to have blog world judging me. I can't imagine how she must feel.

I'm just saying, let her be stupid for a while. She's got to learn from experience. That's just how some people are. Some are smart enough to take heed to advice and not make the same mistake twice. For others like me, experience is the only way. After she gets her face pummeled a few more times, she'll figure it out. But until then, give her a break and quit being so damn judgmental.

Late Night Love Rant

Life is good. Really, it is. I'm so grateful for how at peace I am right now. I'm doing incredibly well at staying positive and not letting things get me down. Meditating really helps. I chant, I tell myself good things. Might sound crazy, but it all keeps me centered. With each affirmation and mantra, I feel myself getting stronger. You know there's a 'but' coming though.

I can't help but wonder when my chance at love will come. I knew before, that I wasn't ready. I had alot of learning and growing to do. For one, I had to finally break free from my ex. Secondly, I had to learn how to be alone. And most importanly, I had to learn how to enjoy being alone instead of merely accepting. I've done all of the above. My life has never been more stable, fulfilling, and happy than it is right now. And yet, I still desire to have a man in my life.

Desire would be the operative word. The need is gone now. I can finally say that I'm perfectly happy being single, and actually mean it. But I feel like, I've learned my lessons. After going through so much emotional turmoil with Ex and coming out on top, shouldn't I be rewarded at some point?

I believe that everything happens for a reason. And that there is a plan in store for me. I just can't help but wonder when it'll actually come to fruition. When will I meet that man who'll respect and appreciate me? When will I get my shot at healthy love?

Maybe it's because the bar is set much higher, but I see no potential in anyone. It's not that I'm being close-minded, I just know what not to sacrafice. I know that I'd rather be single than to settle for a guy that I'm not feeling or doesn't treat me the way I demand to be treated, simply because I don't want to be alone. I've matured far past that point. And still, I wonder if maybe my high standards are limiting me.

And then there's my whole old fashioned approach towards dating. I don't like to court the guy, I want him to court me. And you know, it's not even so much about being old fashion as it is about simply wanting to be secure in knowing that the guy I'm talking to is actually into me. I've been that girl who has chased a guy who didn't want her and I refuse to do it again. It's much easier when the guy approaches me. That way I know he's interested, and then I can decide whether or not I'm interested too. But then of course, the feminist in me starts to bitch. Why should I wait for a guy to approach me? Why shouldn't I be the aggressive one? Why not take charge and get what I want, right? Because the hopeless romantic in me wants to be patient and wait for prince charming. But at what point does patience stop being a virtue and start prohibiting you?

A lot of questions....A lot of 'buts'....

The upside is, while all these questions persist, I'm still happy. And I know I've got at least three more months before I'll be bursting with the desire for man loving. In the meantime, until the right one comes along, I'll keep showing myself love. After all, maybe I have a few more lessons to learn. Maybe I'm not as ready for love as I think I am.

From Crushed to Crushing

When you manage to finally get out of toxic relationship that's taken a toll on your emotional health, the last thing you're ready to do is put your heart on the line again. At least that was true for me. For whatever reason, I couldn't seem toconnect with guys. Or better yet, I wouldn't connect with guys because I specialize in self-saboteur. It's a little thing I discovered about myself recently. Whenever there's something that I'm afraid/not ready to do, I somehow manage to convince myself that it was the worst possible idea ever conceived and I was certainly better off not pursuing said idea. Example? That night I went out, I had really convinced myself that partying was a terrible idea, and completely irresponsible this early in the semester. You should stay home and do homework! If you don't, you'll fall behind! is what I convinced myself of and actually believed it. But look how things turned out, I had a wonderful night with my girlfriends AND I managed to get ahead in my homework.

The same way I convinced myself that going out was a bad idea, I also convinced myself that there was no guy out there that I'd ever connect with again. Because I was afraid to even get that close to anyone again, I rationalized that nobody was out there for me. I was so fed up with meeting guys that I didn't connect with or feel any sparks toward, that I kind of gave up. I couldn't understand why guys never seemed to approach me, but the truth was, I was alienating myself. I didn't exude any desire to be approached, and so I wasn't. It may sound like I'm reading too much into myself but, I kid you not, the second I acknowledged the fact that I was subconciously sabotaging every chance I had with a guy, was the moment that opened up to the possibility of chemistry with someone. And you know what happened? I met a guy, and we sparked.

Yep, I've got a crush on someone! Well, I didn't actually "just" meet him. I met him last year, but we never talked like that before. I thought he was cute and nice, but I hadn't been open to anything with anyone so that didn't matter. But this guy could be anybody. I'm not so much excited about who I'm crushing on as I am about the fact that I'm crushing at all. It's been a really long time since I've had chemistry with a guy. Real chemistry that made me want to be around him. I've had about three semi-relationships since Ex and I broke up, but I didn't feel a connection with any of them because I wasn't ready to. They didn't give me butterflies, and I didn't get excited when I thought of them. I didn't even look forward to seeing or hearing from them. They were just rebounds that, though satisfying, were less than fulfilling. But this guy charmed me from the get go. Not charmed me in the a Lost-My-Better-Judgment kind of way. But in the Makes-Me-Feel-Giddy kind of way. I haven't had that in a long time.

So, whether or not this crush goes anywhere, I look at it as a milestone. The mere fact that I'm actually capable of getting excited about another guy shows that I'm slowly but surely letting go and moving on. Before, nobody compared to Ex. I couldn't imagine having the same feelings of passion and excitement with anyone but him. But the fact that there's a guy that makes me feel even a little giddy shows me that I'm ready, really ready, to date again. And maybe even, at some point, love again.

This Love...

...is the kind I dream about.



I've watched this video three times in a row and I cried every single time. I feel so proud and, dare I say it, hopeful...It's simply beautiful and inspiring.

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

So, today was my first official day of class. I can tell already that I'm going to like this semester. I'm taking one course called Early American Modernism. It's a survey of art between the 1930s and 1940s. I like how short and specific the time period is because that means we will be focusing on what we study instead of breezing through the material, which is my biggest pet-peeve of attending a large university. My second class is Latin 101. They say it's a good class to take if your studying any romantic language because French, Italian, German, Spanish, Slavic, and even English are composed of Latin roots. I have one more class today called Writing Across Media. It's basically a class that integrates writing with diffrent types of modern medium including photography, typography, video and sound. The description sounded interesting so I think the class should be pretty cool. But the best part is, I have the perfect gaps between classes that will allow me time to blog! Lol. I'm a loser, I know.

But enough about academics...Last night, I was stood up. Great way to start off the semester, right? Surprisingly enough though, I wasn't disappointed. In fact, I was a little relieved. As much as I harp about 'being ready' for a relationship, it's a little bit daunting. All of my relationships past have been more challenging than necessary because I made alot of mistakes going into them. They were like crash courses, What Not To Do's, and relationship How-To's. So now, knowing what I know, any relationship I enter will be the true test. I know I'm fully capable of not only being a good girlfriend, but also being good to myself. That said, any guy that I deem good enough to even commit to could possibly be...gulp...The One.

Sigh. When did the prospect of The One become a scary thing? Oh wait, I know. When the guy I thought was The One, tore my heart to shreds. Right! I guess that's the downside of experience. It teaches and prepares you for life, but it also scars you for life.

Sometimes I wish that I could erase my memory of everything Ex related. Everything. The good and the bad. When I first saw Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind earlier last year, I cried. Those who've seen the movie know that it revolves around the concept of memory manipulating and erasing. In the film, there was an agency that provided the service of erasing all memories tied to a painful source. The process took a few hours and by morning, the person would have no recollection of the person or event they erased. Deep stuff...Every now and again, I think to myself, If a service like this existed, would I ever do it? About a year ago, my answer would've been a definitive, hell yes! But the more time that goes by, and the stronger I get, the more I reconsider. If I erased all memories of Ex, I'd also be erasing the lessons I've learned and the wisdom I've acquired. Although I do have my days when I'd rather not remember him, I think I'd still choose to keep him in my memories.

But maybe that's just me. If you had the power to erase a painful/traumatizing memory/person in your past, would you?

p.s.

Oh yeah. And my Presdent is Black.

p.s.s.

Here's the trailer. It's a fabulous film. If anyone wants to see it, hit me up because I have it on my computer and I'd be happy to send it to you.

"Blessed are the forgetful: for they shall have done with their stupidities too."

My Dirty Little Secrets...

"Seperated by routine, we are all mourning in parallel form the same silent
tragedies."

Like thousands of people around the world, I visit Post Secret every Sunday to read the latest confessions of men and women. I never really knew the significance of reading the secrets of strangers until last night.

Yesterday, I was up into the wee hours of the night reading a Post Secret book that my sister got for Christmas. There were several instances when I'd read a postcard and nearly cried thinking, My God...that's exactly how I feel.

That I realized was, even though the secrets are from anonymous strangers from God knows where, I was comforted. When you read someone else's feelings or experiences that mirror your own, it lessons the pain. It helps to know that you're not alone.

I took pictures of the secrets that I identified with the most. I hope this isn't copyright infringement.

If you're brave enough to tell, what's your secret?

Sucks To Be Cupid...

Today when I logged into Facebook, I had two notifications. The first said, "You are missing out on flirts because your date card is incomplete. Click here to complete your date card." The second said, "Here are new men for you to meet on SpeedDate..." and proceeded to list the guys who recently joined. Now, I don't even recall signing up for either of these applications (ahem), but that's beside the point. It's the fact that with all of our new age technology, dating isn't what it used to be.

What ever happened to the days of old fashion courting rituals? A guy would see a girl he liked. He'd catch her eye. They'd do a little long distance flirting. And then he'd approach her. I don't remember the last time I was physically approached by a guy. I'm not talking about a Facebook message or any other type of e-holla. I'm talking face to face. It's been a lonnnnnge time.

About a month ago I went to a lecture on campus called, "It's Not You, It's Me: Reflections on Commitment Phobia in the Late Modern Era," given by the author Eva Illouz. In it she proposed that the reason why dating is so complicated in this day and age is because of the way we go about doing it.

She opened with this analogy. In her home back in Germany, there is a larger Jewel-like supermarket she sometimes goes to. She said that she hates the store though, because it is large and crowded with so many brands of the exact same product, that she can never decide on what to buy. So, she prefers to shop at a quaint, private owned supermarket. Even though the prices are higher, she likes that she doesn't have to spend a year trying to decide what type of butter to buy.

What it ultimately comes down to is options. In this technological age, we have everything at our fingertips, including people. So, Illouz's point was that, because we have so many options of who we want to date with the aid of the Internet, it's harder for us to make any actual commitments. Before the Internet Age, people had to actually get to know each other individually. They had to put time into courting each other. But now, we're picky, impatient, and insatiable. We look through online profiles like we're walking through an aisle at the Walmart Supercenter, reading label after label and moving on to the next until we find the perfect product. We spend hours and hours in the bread aisle looking for the perfect loaf, but we never find it.

The point is, because we're living in this fast paced world of instant gratification and infinite options, old fashion dating rituals are obsolete. First there was dating. Then came speed dating. Then there was the Internet dating. And now there's Internet speed dating??? Have we really gotten that lazy?

Ugh, I hate the Internet. It's numbing and obscuring our humanity.

I Believe(d) In A Thing Called Love...

Yes, I know that just about all my post titles have been song titles recently. Sue me. I've been loving my music lately.

Soooo, yes kiddies. I survived Hell Week! I turned in my last essay at 3:30pm on Friday, and my mom was at my dorm to drive me home by 4. I am feeling so much better guys, I can't even tell ya. I was stressed beyond belief and it had me freaking out for real. Now, I have a week to unwind and replenish because once I go back, it starts all over again lol.

I would've posted Friday night, but I figured I'd wait until Monday and bask in the newness of my vaca. Besides, I was a little preoccupied when I got home that night. My little sister had been talking my ear off all week about wanting to see Twilight when it came out. I promised I'd see it with her so that was the first call of duty when I reached home.

For those who live under a rock and don't know what the movie is about, here's a little synopsis courtesy of IMDB, most likely written by a 14 year old fan (cause I'm too brain dead to write it myself right now).

The movie was mediocre. It didn't suck, but it didn't blow me away either. I've read the first book of the Twilight series way before there was even a sequel, and there were tons of things that didn't make the film. That's usually the case though. The acting was actually pretty good, and yet the movie was extremely dramatic; I still haven't figured that one out. It was full of cheesy one liners, it was sappy, long winded, and oh so cliche...All that said, I absolutely loved it.

I found myself doing alot of scoffing and eye rolling at the beginning of the movie. I frequently leaned over to my mom, who decided to tag along for the ride, to whisper "Ugh, this is so ridiculous. She JUST met the guy and she's talkin about 'I can't live without you'. Could this be any cheesier?" But then occasionally, I'd look over at my little sister--13 years old. Young. Niave. Unjaded. Her eyes were glowing as she watched the illogical romance unfold on screen. I decided to shelve my cynicism for an hour, and watch it from the perspective of someone who had never been burned. Someone who had never even been in love. It was only then that I could really appreciate it. By the end of the movie, I felt a bit lighter. While my mom was whining about spending $20 on "that mess" I was actually glad that I forked out the cash for it.

It made me kind of miss the days of young, passionate love. The kind of love that changes you. That you feel in every fiber of your being. That love that is so devestatingly beautiful. The love that is agony and ecstacy. The love that is bitter sweet. The love that makes you feel as if you'd die without that person.

I don't want to "fall" in love again. Because when I fell in love, I fell hard. And I shattered into a million little pieces. But what I do want is to feel passionate about someone again. I want to look forward to hearing his voice. I want to be giddy and anxious when I know he's visiting. I don't want to settle. I want chemistry and sparks and butterflies. But I know I'll never have those feelings again. You only experience that kind of love once in a lifetime.

I used to be such a hopeless romantic. I know every girl says that, but I really was. I lived for love stories. For love itself. I believed that it could truly conquer anything. But now I'm not so sure I believe anymore because in my case, love didn't conquer all. It didn't conquer anything. I hadn't realized how disenchanted I had become with love. I guess I just don't feed into the "you're all that I live for" love anymore. Does that make me cynical, or a realist? I'm not sure. What I do know is, watching that movie (re)awakened a desire for unfettered Love in me (see, you're not alone kb ;-).

I'm kind of on the fence whether I believe in love or not. I mean, I want to believe. But I'm not so sure if I do. Maybe all it takes is the right person to come along and remind me that it's out there. And it's real.

If you're a sucker for cheesy love stories, go see this movie. You won't regret it.

Broken Heart Syndrome

Remember that guy I wrote about a few posts back? The 40 year old who started going coo-coo bananas when his first love dumped him? Well, his claims that his "heart hurt" and that he felt like he was "going to die" weren't totally unfounded. According to this article, a tragic or shocking event (such as a break up) can stun the heart and produce classic heart attack-like symptoms, including chest pain, shortness of breath and fluid in the lungs.

Luckily, unlike a heart attack, Broken Heart Syndrome (medically known as Stress Cardiomyopathy) is reversible if diagnosed early. Patients are hospitalized and can recover within days with no permanent damage to their hearts. Once medical issues are stabilized, seeking a trained mental health specialist will help cure the emotional trauma.

Wow, who knew?

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

For some strange reason, alot of people have been coming to me for relationship advice lately. Or at least to vent their relationship woes. An old friend of mine just revealed to me that she just broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years who had been abusing her; I've been counseling another friend who broke up with her boyfriend and had an abortion three weeks ago; Even my mom has been talking to me about a male friend of hers who fell in love for the first time at the age 40, and is now dealing with the breakup.

(Sidenote: Hearing about all of their problems and pains have made me realize how incredibly happy I am to be single right now. Sure, I get a little lonely sometimes, but it feels good to know that I'm the only person who can disappoint me. My school year has been virtually free of boy-related tears, which is something I haven't been able to say in a long time. But enough of my Single Girl Tangent lol).

With everyone going through their terrible break ups, I'm noticing a couple common factors.

1). Each person identifies their ex as his/her "first true love."

2). Each person has admitted that they feel clinically insane.

"I hate myself for letting him manipulate me...Why do I keep going back?" asked my friend who's boyfriend beat her.

"I miss him like crazy. He's such an asshole but I love him. Why do I still love him???" pleaded my friend who aborted her baby.

"You don't know what it feels like! My heart hurts! I feel like I'm going to die!!!!" cried the 40 Year Old (Love) Virgin, to my mom.

(I do feel a little bad for this guy. He's going through the painful breakup that most people experience between the ages of 16-20. He doesn't know what to do with himself, poor soul. He's been stalking his ex--going to her church, writing her friends and family letters, driving by her house at night, begging her to take him back etc. He's doing all the crazy post-breakup stuff most of us have done, but he's a grown ass man and it's quite pathetic. He even sent my mom naked pics because he was "lonely." Ugh, sad.)

What I've learned from my own experiences is that, pretty much everyone is reduced to a hot plate of crazy with some psycho on the side, when we break up with our first loves. Some of us take the high road and break up peacefully. We try to salvage a little pride and self respect. But we still break down and at the mention of his name, the tune of his favorite song, or a glimpse of his picture. As a result, we feel like schizophrenic maniacs.

And some of us refuse to accept the break up, and we fight to the bloody death. We try to to win their hearts but the reality is, the more we love them, the more we pursue them. And the more we pursue them, the less attractive and pathetic we become in their eyes. We end up throwing ourselves at someone who comes to find us completely repulsive. We end up losing our sanity because we just can't understand why someone we love to death won't love us back.

How ever it goes down, love makes us do crazy things.

When people remind me of my own psycho days, I am quite amazed at how far I've come. Because, when I say I was crazy, I mean I was CRAZY. I was stand outside his window/e-stalk his girlfriend/throw cell phones at doors/cry for hours/neglect homework/skip classes to sulk/write one million word emails/try to buy his love/beg him to take me back/lost the will to live kind of crazy. I guess that's why everybody has been confiding in me. Because they remember how much of depressed/psycho/suicidal stalker I was last year. Maybe they figure, if anyone would understand their pain, it would be me.

If someone had told me earlier this year that I'd be as happy, healthy and functional as I am today, I would've said "tell that to my bleeding heart." But incredibly, I have healed. And, aside from some residual resentment, I've made amends with my past. Heartbreak is a rite of passage. We all experience that one love that makes us question who we thought we were. We experience it and, hopefully, become stronger people from it.

I would even argue that a case of the crazies is perfectly normal in dealing with your first true love. Maybe some of us just have to lose our marbles before we can find ourselves.

'To Thine Own Self Be True'

Last night was intense. I do get personal on this blog, but never that personal. I was having one of those low, woe-is-me moments. But, thanks to a new day, a little retail therapy, and your wonderful encouragement, I'm pretty much back to my old self.

This weekend's events got me thinking about the vital questions. You know, the ones that you're never able to answer, so you just tuck them away into the back of your mind. The big question for me is, what do I want out of life at this moment?

I can't quite answer that question. But I know enough about myself to know what I don't want.

After a little reflection on the situation with Mr. Cocky, I realized where I went wrong. It was when he told me that he didn't want a relationship. That this little affair would be going nowhere. He even admitted to me that, he'd continue to talk to other girls, plus more...Though I felt a pang of disappointment when he told me this, I decided to be cool with it. I convinced myself that I didn't want a relationship with him anyway, so it was no big deal.

I'm not saying I do want a relationship because, as I mentioned before, I don't have time for one right now. But at the same time, I do want a little more than a friend with benefits. Yes, I want the sex, however, I want the intimacy too. I wish I was liberated enough to be able to have a carefree attitude towards sex, but I'm not. I do have a problem with a guy sleeping with me and then someone else. I do want enough security to know that I'm the only one he's being intimate with.

I knew all this before I decided to go along with Mr. Cocky's terms. But I ignored what my heart was telling me. I settled.

Mr. Cocky wasn't a bad guy. He told me upfront what he wanted I actually have to give it to him for being honest with me. But he wasn't the right match for me. His agenda was far different from my own, but I molded mine to align with his. If I learned anything from this situation, it's to be true to myself and not change my standards for anyone else.

When Will I Be Loved?

It's been a while since an emotional matter has distracted me so much that I can't focus on anything else.

I tried the Hairflip but it didn't work.

Neither did the Don't Give a Fuck Philosophy.

Right now, I'm feeling a little dead inside.

This weekend was a little too much for me. Last night after the situation with Ex, I called Mr. Cocky, for a little comfort. No, not sexual comfort. Just good old fashion cuddle comfort. When he answered his phone, he said he was out.

So, I popped in Sex and the City and tried to comfort myself. But I couldn't. I felt so utterly alone for some reason.

I hoped to wake up to a better day, but not much changed. It was an unusually quiet day in the gallery so I was left to my thoughts for three hours.

I decided to email Ex. And I'd keep it short and simple:

the only thing that i could possibly imagine you being upset about is the fact that you may know that i am involved with someone. what you know, i'm not exactly sure. but i have a hunch about how you know (i think you read my blog, maybe i'm wrong)...but if that really is what it is--and that's ALL it can be--then i think that's kind of messed up. you made your choice. and what was i supposed to do, hope and wait for something to change? come on now...after everything i went through with you last year, you can pull something like this? if i can live with the fact that you're STILL with [...] after all my attempts, then i would've thought you'd be able to accept me with someone else.

but it's whatever. you always said that you hoped we could be cool once i moved on. now that i have, you're giving me this attitude...kinda messed up. but if that's how it's going to be then fine. just remember you made it this way.

Mind you, this message came only after two texts and an attempted phone call. But still, no response.

After I decided not to pursue Ex anymore, I thought about Mr. Cocky....

He told me upfront, after we recognized how fast things were moving, that he didn't want a relationship. He only called me after hours, only for sex. I tried to pretend that I was okay with it because, he might've been using me, but hey, I was using him too. I was beginning to get the vibe that he wasn't that into me, but decided that I could be the 'just sex and nothing more' kind of gal. But then I had to be honest with myself. I've never been that girl. I'm a monogamist. I don't just want sex. I want love. I want to be loved. I settled for this friends with benefits scenario because I felt like that was all I could get. But I want more. I deserve more.

I decided to make an unspoken decision not to talk to him anymore. If he called me late tonight, I'd tell him what was up. If not, it would just end by default. But before I could even set my plan in stone, I ran into Mr. Cocky at LN. He was with a girl. They looked pretty cozy and the chemistry seemed to be there. I lingered a while, chatted with a few friends so I wouldn't be too obvious. When I got the moment to, I made my escape.

I felt kind of numb at first. Like, oh well, another lesson learned. Tried to shrug it off, but I couldn't. My biggest insecurity started to rear it's ugly head....

I always get the "I don't want a relationship" speech from guys. It's an inevitable conversation in every almost-relationship I have. They always tell me that "it's not me" but I can't help but wonder, if it's not me then why can you have a relationship with her? WE sparked too, but you didn't want it with me. Am I not pretty enough? Do you think I'm fat? What is it???

In my Honest Blogger post, I made a the confession that I'm afraid I'm unlovable. Your comments were so sweet, but the fear is more prominent that it was before. It's a difficult thing to admit, but that's what this blog is for...

What is it about me? Why is that all I'm ever good for to guys is sex? Why can't I find anyone who wants the total package? What's wrong with me?

Imitation of Life

My English professor told us on the first day of class that, by the end of the semester, we'd be man-hating Feminazis and I'm starting to think she's right. I'm by no means a man hater, but I'm truly starting to understand the pseudo-feminist views that she has.
We just finished reading a book by Fannie Hurst called Imitation of Life. Set in the 1920s, the story is about a business woman who builds an empire by the age of 25, but in her quest for financial success and security, she neglected her personal life. When she finally did attempt to pursue a meaningful relationship with a man, it didn't work out. So what she settled for some "man lovin"--today's equivalent of a boo.
Last night, I didn't go to sleep until 5am and I had to wake up at 8 but, thanks to a very large cup of java, today turned out to be a great one. For once, I wasn't up into the wee hours of the night doing homework. This time, it was a much more recreational pastime that kept me awake. Mr. Cocky and I broke our silence as I knew we would. After couple hours of hanky panky (yes, I am gloating now lol) he said, "Ugh...we really need to stop doing this."

At first, I began to nod my head in agreement--he was right. We had to stop. But then I thought about it. Why stop? We're both single, consenting adults with needs. Why not make the most of this convenient situation.

Maybe it was reading the book that sparked the epiphany in me. I'm a full time student with a bright future ahead of me. My plans for a career as a writer/art historian are panning out beautifully, with many of the recent opportunities that I've had. Though I would love to be in a stable relationship, I simply don't have time for one right now. I'm far from being a workaholic with no time for social ventures, but I do know where my focus is and it's on my career. That said, the most that I can manage right now is an imitation of a relationship. A little "man lovin."

Eventually I said, "No, we shouldn't stop." And it didn't take much to convince him of that.

Ideally, today's modern woman can have it all. Love. Sex. Relationships. Success. But is that really true or are we forced to choose? And if we do choose a our careers over all else and settle for sex without love, is it just an imitation of life?

PS

I hate Blogspot. I've spent the last 20 minutes trying to format this post. I give up.