Trippin'

Didn't I just tell ya'll I still had issues?

I'm going to tell you guys a little story and I hope someone gets something out of it.

So, I was seeing this guy. He and I had a history that was at best...difficult. We were off and on, on and off for a long time. Finally, we were able to get along and be cool. We were friends. Then his circumstances changed, and suddenly it was okay for us to be more than friends. Only, niether of us were ready to take that definitive step. So, instead we decided to play it cool. Go with the flow. Just enjoy what we had without attempting to define it.

All was well until I started to get paranoid. I started thinking ahead and thinking behind. What if this happens? I can't forget when THAT happened. I'd freak out and tell him that I didn't think we should see each other anymore...and a day later I'd realize that I was TRIPPIN'.

We'd discuss what made me trip, and he agreed to make an effort to make me feel more secure about our 'relationship'. All is well and then a week later I get paranoid again. Only, for a different reason. I bring it to his attention and tell him, I'm not sure we're on the same page here. I mean, I can be okay with this kind of relationship but I can't be forever. TRIPPIN'.

He acknowledges my concerns and agrees to put forth even more effort to keep me comfortable. Two weeks go by without incident. Until one weekendm he has a ton of homework to do. He informs me that he'd be busy with a project for most of the weekend. He's lying...He's not doing homework. He's out romancing some other chick. I resolve that I can't trust him, I am completely unable to handle our relationship and that I don't think we should see each other anymore.

It doesn't take me very long to realize I was, what? TRIPPIN'.

I tried to fix it, but this time he wasn't going. You say you won't trip again, but how do I know that's true? ANYTHING can set you off. I don't know what to expect from you. He decided that it would be best for us to not continue our pseudo-relationship.

There's only so much a guy can take. I don't blame him for being tired of my insecurities even though he was the cause of most of them. The fact is, he was doing right by me, and I couldn't let go of my issues. Every time I thought of the past, I freaked out. And I verbalized my freak out. I invented scenarios that didn't exist, and even when he tried to reassure me, I found new reasons to freak out. As it turned out, I couldn't handle a pseudo-relationship with someone who hurt me in the past.

The moral of this story is this: If you decide your going to be in a relationship or whatever you wanna call it, with someone you've been through it with, realize its ramifications. If you're not willing to let go of your issues and insecurities, you're not ready to be in it. And if you decide to be in it, you have to be ready to roll with the punches. Especially when they are invisible ones. Let that marinate.

Re: We Were On A Break

Okay, so I rarely make post responses to comments, but I just HAD to. I agree with every single one of you ladies. A 'break' is nothing short of a break-up. It's initiated by the person who doesn't want to be in a relationship, but doesn't want to break things off completely either. For whatever reason. Some take breaks out of fear. Some out of greed. And it's up to the poor sap on the opposing end to say, "Um...hell no! If you want a break, we're going to break, alright." If they don't do that, they pretty much screw themselves.

"...for me there is no "break". Either we're together or we're not. That was excuse to be with someone else and he gave you enough rope to hang yourself so he could have an excuse to really leave you."

Hehe. I love how you worded that, YoungBlackBeauty. It's sad but true though. Except, in his case, I'm pretty sure his intentions were just to string me along for as long as I could stand it. You know how guys can be. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. I know this because it happened on our first break. For two months we were on one, and when I was finally fed up with being in relationship limbo, I told him that I was leaving. But then, he decided he was "ready" to be with me again. So, like an idiot, I went back.

I gave him all the power. Played by all of his rules. I wouldn't (sometimes I think I even couldn't) stand up for myself. I wasn't strong enough to say that I wasn't going to put up with it because I didn't want to lose him. You know, because I was so in loooooove or whatever. I definitely didn't have the sense I have now, back then. For one, I'm a lot more cautious about who I end up seeing exclusively in the first place. Hence my three year stint as a single gal. But most importantly, if I ever did end up dating someone again and he requested a break, he could just consider it over. Then and there. Being the chump that I was though, I didn't want to let go. Ugh man. I was such a dumb broad.

Buuuuut anyway, I just had to say that I'm in utter agreement with all of you. And I hope that anyone out there, male or female, who has at one point initiated a break, can see how incredibly ridiculous it is. Stop being greedy and selfish. If you want freedom, grow some balls/ovaries and break it off. This is directed at no one in particular. Just saying...Some women (and men) out there can be very naive. And to take advantage of their love and devotion, just because they don't have the sense and experience to tell you HELL NO, is pure douchebaggness.

At the same time though, it's important for us, on the receiving end of mistreatment, to take responsibility for our own actions. We don't realize that a lot of times, we are the cause of our own unhappiness. Aside from cases where we are literally robbed of control, we really do have say in how things turn out. We (men and women) have the tendency to feel like we are the victims. Like we're the abused. When really, by allowing someone else to victimize us, we're abusing ourselves. The most important lesson I've learned out of all of this, is that it's nobody's fault but mine. Yeah, it's true. He only treated me as bad as I allowed him to. When I was finally able to acknowledge that, it was easier to let go of the resentment that I've had for so long. I'm not saying he didn't do some bogus ish, because he definitely did. But I have no control over his actions. Only mine. And if I keep walking into the same traps, knowing the outcome, that pretty much makes me a masochist.

Sorry for getting all motivational speaker on you all. This is just a very common position that MANY people find themselves in. And until we can take responsibility for our own unhappiness, we're destined to be unhappy. We have to stop being the victim.

Anyway, thanks for the comments! I love seeing how people feel about things like this. It's seems pretty unanimous what you guys think. Breaks are bullshit.

The Ex Box

Last night my sister was doing a little pre-Summer cleaning. She cleared out all the spaces that have been occupied by old boxes of high school text books and VHS tapes long forgotten. She called me in every once in awhile to give me some of my old possessions that somehow wound up in one of her boxes. A couple of old books, journals, and movies were among the goodies that I took to my bedroom eager to look through. One of the books was called The Female Brain. I remember reading it in my senior year of high school, but I never finished for some reason. Anyway, I opened the book to page one, and a letter fell out. After reading a few lines, it didn't take me long to realize it was a love letter that Ex had written me while we were at our best.

The note was typed in Word, single spaced, a page and a half long. In it he poured his heart out to me. He wrote about how much he loved me, how he could never live without me, how he wanted to marry me. I have no doubt that he meant these things at the time he wrote the letter, but I couldn't help but feel like these words were not his. He and I have changed so much since we were 17 (yes, I know that was only a few years ago lol) that we're hardly recognizable...Reading his letter was surprisingly emotional for me. Seeing his loving words took me back to how I used to feel about him, and I sort of feel for him now deep down. Before I knew it I was crying. Thinking about what went wrong, how he hurt me, how I hurt him, what we could've both done differently, etc. The crybaby fest only lasted a few minutes, because that was as long as I'd allow it to.

Afterwards, I folded the letter up and placed it in my box of mementos. Tucked it in with all the diaries I've had and birthday cards, and other miscellaneous things I've received since I was 8 or 9 years old. Of course this prompted me to rummage through my old keepsake box, as I do every six months or so. In it I found home made gifts, teddy bears, love notes, pictures, and cards from my exs. As I looked at each piece of memorabilia, I couldn't help but wonder, was it a bad idea for me to keep all of these things that reminded me of my exs?

Some people have different ways of dealing with break ups. Some get rid of everything that reminded them of that person. Music, emails, pictures, texts. Some even rearrange their furniture so that they can forget what it was like to cohabitate with that person. But me, I've never been that type. Sometimes it sickens me how sentimental I can be. I've never been the type to do the You Don't Exist To Me sort of thing, but maybe I should. I mean, it's not like I look through this box every day, reminiscing and whining about how things didn't work out. But at the same time, does it really do me any good to keep them? I don't know.

I'm still debating whether or not I'll get rid of my Ex Box, but I'm just curious what you guys do. When you end a relationship, is it the end of that person as you knew them? Or do you hold on to the things that remind you of the good times you had with them?

Broken Heart Syndrome

Remember that guy I wrote about a few posts back? The 40 year old who started going coo-coo bananas when his first love dumped him? Well, his claims that his "heart hurt" and that he felt like he was "going to die" weren't totally unfounded. According to this article, a tragic or shocking event (such as a break up) can stun the heart and produce classic heart attack-like symptoms, including chest pain, shortness of breath and fluid in the lungs.

Luckily, unlike a heart attack, Broken Heart Syndrome (medically known as Stress Cardiomyopathy) is reversible if diagnosed early. Patients are hospitalized and can recover within days with no permanent damage to their hearts. Once medical issues are stabilized, seeking a trained mental health specialist will help cure the emotional trauma.

Wow, who knew?

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

For some strange reason, alot of people have been coming to me for relationship advice lately. Or at least to vent their relationship woes. An old friend of mine just revealed to me that she just broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years who had been abusing her; I've been counseling another friend who broke up with her boyfriend and had an abortion three weeks ago; Even my mom has been talking to me about a male friend of hers who fell in love for the first time at the age 40, and is now dealing with the breakup.

(Sidenote: Hearing about all of their problems and pains have made me realize how incredibly happy I am to be single right now. Sure, I get a little lonely sometimes, but it feels good to know that I'm the only person who can disappoint me. My school year has been virtually free of boy-related tears, which is something I haven't been able to say in a long time. But enough of my Single Girl Tangent lol).

With everyone going through their terrible break ups, I'm noticing a couple common factors.

1). Each person identifies their ex as his/her "first true love."

2). Each person has admitted that they feel clinically insane.

"I hate myself for letting him manipulate me...Why do I keep going back?" asked my friend who's boyfriend beat her.

"I miss him like crazy. He's such an asshole but I love him. Why do I still love him???" pleaded my friend who aborted her baby.

"You don't know what it feels like! My heart hurts! I feel like I'm going to die!!!!" cried the 40 Year Old (Love) Virgin, to my mom.

(I do feel a little bad for this guy. He's going through the painful breakup that most people experience between the ages of 16-20. He doesn't know what to do with himself, poor soul. He's been stalking his ex--going to her church, writing her friends and family letters, driving by her house at night, begging her to take him back etc. He's doing all the crazy post-breakup stuff most of us have done, but he's a grown ass man and it's quite pathetic. He even sent my mom naked pics because he was "lonely." Ugh, sad.)

What I've learned from my own experiences is that, pretty much everyone is reduced to a hot plate of crazy with some psycho on the side, when we break up with our first loves. Some of us take the high road and break up peacefully. We try to salvage a little pride and self respect. But we still break down and at the mention of his name, the tune of his favorite song, or a glimpse of his picture. As a result, we feel like schizophrenic maniacs.

And some of us refuse to accept the break up, and we fight to the bloody death. We try to to win their hearts but the reality is, the more we love them, the more we pursue them. And the more we pursue them, the less attractive and pathetic we become in their eyes. We end up throwing ourselves at someone who comes to find us completely repulsive. We end up losing our sanity because we just can't understand why someone we love to death won't love us back.

How ever it goes down, love makes us do crazy things.

When people remind me of my own psycho days, I am quite amazed at how far I've come. Because, when I say I was crazy, I mean I was CRAZY. I was stand outside his window/e-stalk his girlfriend/throw cell phones at doors/cry for hours/neglect homework/skip classes to sulk/write one million word emails/try to buy his love/beg him to take me back/lost the will to live kind of crazy. I guess that's why everybody has been confiding in me. Because they remember how much of depressed/psycho/suicidal stalker I was last year. Maybe they figure, if anyone would understand their pain, it would be me.

If someone had told me earlier this year that I'd be as happy, healthy and functional as I am today, I would've said "tell that to my bleeding heart." But incredibly, I have healed. And, aside from some residual resentment, I've made amends with my past. Heartbreak is a rite of passage. We all experience that one love that makes us question who we thought we were. We experience it and, hopefully, become stronger people from it.

I would even argue that a case of the crazies is perfectly normal in dealing with your first true love. Maybe some of us just have to lose our marbles before we can find ourselves.