For some strange reason, alot of people have been coming to me for relationship advice lately. Or at least to vent their relationship woes. An old friend of mine just revealed to me that she just broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years who had been abusing her; I've been counseling another friend who broke up with her boyfriend and had an abortion three weeks ago; Even my mom has been talking to me about a male friend of hers who fell in love for the first time at the age 40, and is now dealing with the breakup.
(Sidenote: Hearing about all of their problems and pains have made me realize how incredibly happy I am to be single right now. Sure, I get a little lonely sometimes, but it feels good to know that I'm the only person who can disappoint me. My school year has been virtually free of boy-related tears, which is something I haven't been able to say in a long time. But enough of my Single Girl Tangent lol).
With everyone going through their terrible break ups, I'm noticing a couple common factors.
1). Each person identifies their ex as his/her "first true love."
2). Each person has admitted that they feel clinically insane.
"I hate myself for letting him manipulate me...Why do I keep going back?" asked my friend who's boyfriend beat her.
"I miss him like crazy. He's such an asshole but I love him. Why do I still love him???" pleaded my friend who aborted her baby.
"You don't know what it feels like! My heart hurts! I feel like I'm going to die!!!!" cried the 40 Year Old (Love) Virgin, to my mom.
(I do feel a little bad for this guy. He's going through the painful breakup that most people experience between the ages of 16-20. He doesn't know what to do with himself, poor soul. He's been stalking his ex--going to her church, writing her friends and family letters, driving by her house at night, begging her to take him back etc. He's doing all the crazy post-breakup stuff most of us have done, but he's a grown ass man and it's quite pathetic. He even sent my mom naked pics because he was "lonely." Ugh, sad.)
What I've learned from my own experiences is that, pretty much everyone is reduced to a hot plate of crazy with some psycho on the side, when we break up with our first loves. Some of us take the high road and break up peacefully. We try to salvage a little pride and self respect. But we still break down and at the mention of his name, the tune of his favorite song, or a glimpse of his picture. As a result, we feel like schizophrenic maniacs.
And some of us refuse to accept the break up, and we fight to the bloody death. We try to to win their hearts but the reality is, the more we love them, the more we pursue them. And the more we pursue them, the less attractive and pathetic we become in their eyes. We end up throwing ourselves at someone who comes to find us completely repulsive. We end up losing our sanity because we just can't understand why someone we love to death won't love us back.
How ever it goes down, love makes us do crazy things.
When people remind me of my own psycho days, I am quite amazed at how far I've come. Because, when I say I was crazy, I mean I was CRAZY. I was stand outside his window/e-stalk his girlfriend/throw cell phones at doors/cry for hours/neglect homework/skip classes to sulk/write one million word emails/try to buy his love/beg him to take me back/lost the will to live kind of crazy. I guess that's why everybody has been confiding in me. Because they remember how much of depressed/psycho/suicidal stalker I was last year. Maybe they figure, if anyone would understand their pain, it would be me.
If someone had told me earlier this year that I'd be as happy, healthy and functional as I am today, I would've said "tell that to my bleeding heart." But incredibly, I have healed. And, aside from some residual resentment, I've made amends with my past. Heartbreak is a rite of passage. We all experience that one love that makes us question who we thought we were. We experience it and, hopefully, become stronger people from it.
I would even argue that a case of the crazies is perfectly normal in dealing with your first true love. Maybe some of us just have to lose our marbles before we can find ourselves.
10 comments:
NOOOOOOOOOOO
this: "He even sent my mom naked pics because he was "lonely."
Is Utterly disrespectfully unacceptable!
NOOOOOO Hot plate of crazy In-Fucking-Deed
More than crazy I go vindictive angry but thanks God for my family and J cause after I get my crazy cunt-bitch out of the way they absolutely won't let me fall into any: Call/miss/drive by/answer/get drunk over behavior, next thing you know months pass I'm horny again and for me that trumps A LOT of other bullshit I could be doing with my time
"Maybe some of us have to lose our marbles in order to find ourselves."
Those of the words of a girl who is wise beyond her years. It took me to have several cases of the crazies (sometimes over guys and other times just over my personal issues) to learn this lesson.
dang babe, im sorry to hear, i mean readt that. dont feel crazy or insane though - do so when u cant acknowledge how u feel and ignore it - that would be the problem
@ qq: girrrrl, you have NO idea! my mom just told me that she's been ignoring him eversince the incident and that he's blowing up her phone at least 12 times a day. he needs help something serious, and i told my mom that she isn't the one to give it to him. he truly is a crazy ass mofo.
i've got a VERY vindictive bitch streak inside of me but i've never let it out for some reason. i COULD go hard though. i'm shocked that through the pain of it all, i never did any vengeful shit. i guess i just wanted karma to take care of it ( though i don't think it ever has lol).
but LMAO @ "next thing you know months pass I'm horny again." that was probably my biggest problem--even today. sometimes i just feel like saying fuck it, no matter how bad of an idea it may be. i have such bad self control lol.
@ skinny: thanks girl, that means alot. i think it'll only take me one time of hitting rock bottom to learn from my biggest mistakes. i'm not saying i'll never cry over a guy again because i no doubt will. but i know i'll never again 1) sacrafice myself to that extent and 2) lose my sanity over a man. i've drawn a line that nobody--guy or girl--can ever cross now. One that didn't exist for me three year ago.
@ torrance: Nooooo, i'm talkin past tense, bro. the "me" i described was about 8 months ago. i'm doing great now! like i said, i do have my moments of loneliness/jealousy but it doesn't consume. not one bit.
Crazy about your first love is normal I believe after that a hardcore version of reality sets in for every other person you meet.
exactly, mike. i think it's something most people experience it, and afterwards they are more careful about who they give their hearts to. i think we all have to break down at least once.
Love this post girl! Very inspiring. :-)
thanks sweety. i'm glad you got something out of it:)
Oh my gosh...this is so insightful. Thank you for posting this, because it seems I've been going through something similar. I'm only know, seeing this is a tme that I can find out the bigger questions to life.
you are most welcome fluff! the important thing to remember is that it's all totally normal. don't forget that. i know you probably feel a little crazy, but it's all part of the process!
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