Thursday, July 31, 2008

Hungry? Why Wait?

There's something that I've been wanting to say on this blog for a very long time, but haven't because of the questions that may arise from my real life acquaitances who read it. But I've decide that, today, I'm finally going to put an end to my self-censorship. It's gone on far too long.

So, here goes...

I have a confession: I haven't had sex in three months:(.

"Big deal," you may say. But believe me, it is a very big deal. I was used to having sex at least three times a week before I quit cold turkey. And now...nothing.

I used to tell myself that I'd only have sex with the one I was in love with. You see, that's how I somehow justified my affair with Ex. I loved him. Yeah, I was homewrecking at the time, but it was all in love. Right. I've gotten real with myself and realized that love doesn't make it right. I've also matured to the point that I'm not infactuated with every guy I date, which means that I won't be loving MK until we're far down the line.

I like MK. Alot. But based on my previous criteria, I won't be having sex with him anytime soon because 'like alot' isn't enough.

The question I can't help but ask myself lately is, really why not? What am I waiting for? I've been steady with MK for three months now so what's stopping me? Societal pressures force women to create reasons why we shouldn't have sex. Everything--love, marriage, morality, religion, fear of criticism, fear of infidelity, trying to keep my sex number on one hand, etc.--becomes a factor.

But I'm getting to the point where the need is becoming palpable, and all of my reasons for abstaining are beginning to fade away. When we're hungry, we eat. We don't deprive ourselves of the nutrition that our bodies are crying out for. We give them what they want.

So my question is, if we don't deprive ourselves of food, why do we as women, sometimes deprive ourselves of sex?

Like the Snickers slogan goes: Horny? Why wait?...or something like that lol.

Have a lovely weekend:)

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Older Man/Daddy Phase

I'm noticing a trend in who I've been attracted to lately. Of the six dudes that I've seriously talked to this summer (yes, I know I'm a dating whore) the three that I found myself most attracted to were way older than me. For those who don't know, I'm a baby. (I'll be 20 in November.) So, I realize that it's a bit odd for me to actually prefer a guy who's at least 5 years my senior. MK just made 26 last week...And he's the BABY of my older men!

My theory is that older men are more lax when it comes to dating and relationships. They don't call everyday, and that's how I like it. They're not clingy and there's no pressure to get serious. Yes, men who are bachelors beyond the age of 25 may have a reputation for not being able to commit, but since that's where I am in life, it works! The younger guys I've encountered this summer are just the opposite. Blowing up my phone, like, 12 times a day. And all this talk of the future...Scary.

God, have I become that desensitized to bull shit that I wouldn't know romance if slapped me in the face? Maybe I'm so used to not getting the attention I want from someone I'm dating, that it's what I prefer now. And a guy that shows me too much attention, like Mr. Hello Beautiful, becomes a stalker.

Jeez, it would suck if that was true....

Any Psych majors out who can enlighten me on why I'm going through the Older Man phase?
And any younger guys out there care redeem your age group? Is love at first sight the norm nowadays?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Will You Marry Me?!? *SPLAT* Lookin' Ass...

"Hello beautiful. How are you doing today? Well, you came across my mind a few times today while I was daydreaming and I really enjoy talking to you. I would still like to be the one for you, if you will have me. I really don't mind waiting because I feel that you are so worth waiting for because I feel that you are worth everyday that I wait. It's better so that I can really get to know you."

This is a text message that I just received from a guy I met two days ago. It's ripe with grammatical errors, but still sweet. So what gives? I really have no clue.

I've had about three near-proposals this summer from guys that I'd known less than a week. And each time I received these premature declarations of love, I wanted to run for the hills. I feel like a jerk for rejecting guys who are actually available and want to be with me, while lusting after the one (yes, MK) who's so unattainable. It's not even the thrill of the chase or the Bad Boy edge, either. It's just that, it's something a little off putting about a guy talking about the distant future on the first date. At least for me anyway. My spiel all summer has been, "I'm just dating. Not looking for anything serious. If a relationship does come of this, it'll happen wayyyyyy down the line. But for right now, I just want to date. Period."

Though "dating" is subject for interpretation, the overall idea is basically a lite version of a relationship. We can get to know each other, slowly move into the relationship stuff, and THEN the title comes. But let's not rush into things. No talking for one day and then deciding that you're my man and I'm your girl. I think I've grown out of that. I want to have that special someone that I talk to often, but not too often. Someone I care about but I'm not in love with. Someone who I'm faithful to and vice versa, but not tied down to.

I'm starting to think that I have a fear of emotional intimacy now. Possibly a result of my relationship with Ex....That said, I don't exactly find a guy who's gung ho about exchanging vows appealing anymore. I mean, is it just me or do all women find it a little unattractive for a guy to jump the relationship gun so quickly?

Sunday, July 20, 2008

I'm No Expert But...

You've been cheated on. It hurt you so bad that you decide to be prepared the next time, and expect the worst from your new boyfriend. But unknowingly, you drive him away because of your constant accusations and suspicions. Or, you decide to walk away from a relationship because it appears that your girlfriend is cheating. The truth is, she's honest and faithful, and you're just paranoid. Or, you're so busy preparing yourself for infidelity of your guy that you don't give him a genuine chance from the get go.

*In corny infomercial voice*
Has this ever happened to YOU?

I'm not too fond of giving out advice on this blog simply for the fact that I'm no professional. But, I do have enough experience to offer a word of wisdom to men and women who haven't made the same mistakes I have made.

I'll spare you all the anecdote and cut right to the chase: when it comes to relationships, do not assume ANYTHING. This could, of course, be broken down into a number of subcategories--do not assume he/she is in love with you, do not assume he/she isn't married, do not assume he/she is straight, etc. But for now, let's just narrow it down to what could possibly be recognized as one of the worst assumptions to make: assuming that he/she will cheat.

Sometimes we think that it's safer to anticipate cheating before it happens, especially those of us who have previously been cheated on. We have our emotional guards up and expect our significant others to be unfaithful, as an alternative to being shocked by the news, should it ever come. It seems like a wise route to take but the truth is, when you assume that your partner is cheating, you risk sabotaging a perfectly healthy relationship.

I'm not saying be naive, but finding middle ground is the name of the game people. Be wise, but don't be cynical. Be cautious, but not paranoid. I know it's easier said than done, but when you're able to find that happy medium--you can be in a relationship, sincerely give it your all, and still walk away unscathed even if you're betrayed. It's all about recognizing the possibility of betrayel, while also realizing that by dating, you're willingly risking your heart; you're prepared for the worst, but you're still willing to take the chance.

So yeah, just a little word of advice. If you keep the risk factor in mind while entering a new relationship post-traumatic break up, you could possibly save that next one.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Yo-Yo Dating

Ever since the beginning of time, I have been a yo-yo dieter. This year, unsatisfied with my body after the infamous Freshmen 15, I decided to try and shed a few pounds for the Fall. I swear off certain foods but each effort usually falls by the wayside after a week or so. Every yo-yo dieter knows why. Because the foods that you have to stop eating--things like pasta, bread, cheese, chocolate, etc--are the foods that you love the most. But the foods that you love the most, are also the foods that kill your diet. It's a love hate relationship.

Reflecting on my experiences with yo-yo dieting, I'm reminded of another bad habit I've had of late: Yo-Yo Dating.

In my last post I swore to stay off men didn't I? And now, a mere two days later, I find myself in the company of a new guy I met a couple of days ago. And no, it's not even Mr. Big Time.

Call me crazy. Seriously. I give you permission to because I know I seem bipolar or schizophrenic by the way I flip flop on this blog. One day I say I hate men, the next, I'm in love with one. Obviously this is an exaggeration, but I think you get my point.

Now that I'm annoyed with my own fickleness, I can't help but wonder, are healthy relationships and healthy diets really all that different? Think about it. We stop eating fatty foods because they're not good for us. We stop dating certain men because their not good for us. But try as we might, those foods that are the unhealthiest are the ones we can't help but go back to. And sometimes we can't help but fall for the bad boy. But do either ever have a healthy outcome? Is it possible to have both--the excitement of the naughty with the benefits of the nice?

As my sister would say, this post has "Carrie" written all over. Sex and the City fans know lol.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

50th Post=)

Today's the big 5-0. I know, 50 posts aren't that big a deal for hardcore bloggers. But I've started, then abandoned several blogs at the 20 post mark so this is a big achievement for me.

Reflecting on the content of this blog when I first started it, to the watered down entries that I've made this summer, I realized a few things. Namely, that self-censorship is something I'm guilty of with this blog. It's not because I'd feel uncomfortable putting my business out on the web, but mostly because people that I actually know personally, read my blog now. Even though the blog world knows what I look like, I can still retain a bit of anonymity because no one knows my name or where I'm from. If I'm judged by my opinions and lifestyle by folks on the Internet, I can get rid of their comment with the click of my mouse. On the other hand, it's not that easy when friends and family make comments. But the purpose of this blog is for me to write about things that are important to me. Things that I think about. So, I've decided to stop censoring myself.

That said, in commemoration of my 50th post, I'm going to make a 51st entry that sizzles.

Stay tuned....

Monday, July 7, 2008


You know how you have those slumps in life. The kind where you get into a rut and you can't quite get out of it? I've been in one of those for the past two weeks. It's not quite over yet, but I felt the need to return to my blog. My way of dealing is usually to disappear. And the fact that I'm working now, has given me a more convenient excuse for neglecting my blog. But the longer I stayed away from Love is a Minefield, the more I missed writing. And so I'm back. Issues and all.

What issues, you may wonder. Let's just say that I'm not as strong as I thought I was, when it comes to keeping my Ex out of and away from my life. He and I are on speaking terms now. One thing I've always said was that I considered Ex more than my boyfriend while we were dating. He was my best friend too. And I did hate to see that go. Now that we're more friendly than civil when we speak, I can almost picture him in my life. In the future. Which was NOT in the plans.

I see him in my life as a friend, not a lover. In fact, recent events (which I'm not inclined to divulge at this time) have made me realize that I am not in love with him anymore. The spark just isn't there. And I've realized how much I've changed, how different our values are now, that we're not even as compatible as we once were. Even back then the compatibility is minimal...But the whole point is that I can see him in my future. And I really don't want him there.

It's seems pretty simple, doesn't it? If you don't want him there, don't have him there. But the truth is, he's going to be in my life in some shape or form, for the next three years because we attend the same university. And because the black community at my school is so small, I'll undoubtedly run into him, if not on the street, than at black functions. So, I'd prefer to have a friendly relationship than a hostile one since I'll be seeing him frequently. That's just me--I hate holding grudges. It takes more effort to stay pissed than it does to just forgive.

But I wish that I didn't have to worry about that, in all honesty. I wish this was just a normal breakup. The kind where I wouldn't have to worry about seeing him again, except for the very unlikely encounter on the street. But no. We live so close that seeing each other can't be avoided. Not for the next three years!

This is a rant, obviously. I promise my next post won't be, but this has just been bugging me. I want to move on with my life, without him in it but it just doesn't seem possible. Even if I had gone the entire summer without talking to him, I would have been forced into having some sort of relationship with him once school started in the Fall...

Some relationships are seasonal, some are meant to last for a lifetime. I always thought he was seasonal. That his purpose was to teach me a lesson about love and relationships. But now I wonder if maybe he's supposed to be in my life.