Monday, July 7, 2008

Rant.

You know how you have those slumps in life. The kind where you get into a rut and you can't quite get out of it? I've been in one of those for the past two weeks. It's not quite over yet, but I felt the need to return to my blog. My way of dealing is usually to disappear. And the fact that I'm working now, has given me a more convenient excuse for neglecting my blog. But the longer I stayed away from Love is a Minefield, the more I missed writing. And so I'm back. Issues and all.

What issues, you may wonder. Let's just say that I'm not as strong as I thought I was, when it comes to keeping my Ex out of and away from my life. He and I are on speaking terms now. One thing I've always said was that I considered Ex more than my boyfriend while we were dating. He was my best friend too. And I did hate to see that go. Now that we're more friendly than civil when we speak, I can almost picture him in my life. In the future. Which was NOT in the plans.

I see him in my life as a friend, not a lover. In fact, recent events (which I'm not inclined to divulge at this time) have made me realize that I am not in love with him anymore. The spark just isn't there. And I've realized how much I've changed, how different our values are now, that we're not even as compatible as we once were. Even back then the compatibility is minimal...But the whole point is that I can see him in my future. And I really don't want him there.

It's seems pretty simple, doesn't it? If you don't want him there, don't have him there. But the truth is, he's going to be in my life in some shape or form, for the next three years because we attend the same university. And because the black community at my school is so small, I'll undoubtedly run into him, if not on the street, than at black functions. So, I'd prefer to have a friendly relationship than a hostile one since I'll be seeing him frequently. That's just me--I hate holding grudges. It takes more effort to stay pissed than it does to just forgive.

But I wish that I didn't have to worry about that, in all honesty. I wish this was just a normal breakup. The kind where I wouldn't have to worry about seeing him again, except for the very unlikely encounter on the street. But no. We live so close that seeing each other can't be avoided. Not for the next three years!

This is a rant, obviously. I promise my next post won't be, but this has just been bugging me. I want to move on with my life, without him in it but it just doesn't seem possible. Even if I had gone the entire summer without talking to him, I would have been forced into having some sort of relationship with him once school started in the Fall...

Some relationships are seasonal, some are meant to last for a lifetime. I always thought he was seasonal. That his purpose was to teach me a lesson about love and relationships. But now I wonder if maybe he's supposed to be in my life.

1 comments:

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

i feel u on this sister
so rant on

be safe

chk this when u can
http://rawdawgb.blogspot.com/2008/07/pomegranate-puy.html

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