Sunday, July 19, 2009

What's up everybody?

Wow, it's been a minute, hasn't it? I've been relatively busy for the last week or so, which is the main reason why I haven't blogged since the Friday before last. I've drafted about 3 posts but never got around to publishing any of them. Just when I was about to follow through the other day, my computer COMPLETELY died on me. On Thursday, July 16 2009, it made this sad pathetic sound, like a blowdryer on set on HI, and took its final breath.

I'm blogging from my sister's laptop right now. But you know how it is. You want your own computer. I always read about people's computers dying, but I never realized just how tragic it is. Your whole little e-world is shattered :-(.

In addition to being computerless right now, I am also penniless and phoneless. The other day I lost my debit card without realizing it, and someone had a field day with it. As a result, I can't pay my phone bill right now. Sucks balls.

I'm not trippin about any of it though. I do feel a little disconnected from the world sans the internet, texting, and an active bank account. But it's cool. I think it was a necessary reminder for me not to get hooked on my electronics again.

Anyway, my bank is investigating it as we speak and my money SHOULD be back in my account soon. I'll be taking donations in the meantime. Unfortunately, I didn't have enough to buy a new computer before my money was stolen, so I'll be without one for the next month or so. I'll blog when I get the chance, but for the most part, I guess its ciao for now...


Saturday, July 11, 2009


"The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame." ~Oscar Wilde

I very rarely do this, but tonight I took the time to read my own blog. Way back from Day 1. While I was definitely happy to see the growth I've made since my opening posts, I was definitely disappointed and surprised at some of the things I saw. How bitter and angry I was. Because of how hurt I felt, it hadn't even dawned on me how hurtful I was being. Words can be powerful weapons. Granted, there were a few times when I blogged strictly for the sake of chronology. And other times when I prosed out of pain. But there were also times when I was on full Bitch Mode, and said things just to be mean. Unfortunately, I was still a little too ignorant to realize that you shouldn't say things about people behind their backs, that you wouldn't say to them in person.

I've given it some thought, and I think it's time for me to create a new blog. Whether or not it will be an extension of this one, or a replacement for it--I haven't decided. Either way, this blog has served its purpose and run its course. I created it while I was going through a bad break-up and its aftermath. I am in niether phase anymore, so I think it's time to shed my sad/cynical/bitter persona. I'll continue to blog about love, sex, and relationships but not from such a bleak perspective anymore. And definitely not on such a personal level either. Don't get me wrong, I'll still write from experience. But I'll be a lot more careful about maintaining the anonymity of others, not slandering their character, and not painting a one-sided picture.

So, stay tuned people. I'll continue blogging here as I usually do, and will debut my new blog by Aug. 1 at the very latest.

Enjoy your weekends!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

So, this is looking like the new layout. Aside from some minor changes, I'll probably leave it the way it is for a couple of months. It was definitely time for a lighter background. I've had a black one for the past year or so. I guess the old color scheme--black, red, and white--kind of mirrored my mood at the time I made it. I'm feeling a lot lighter these days and I thought my blog should reflect that. Not so satisfied with the font of the header though. The font options on Blogger kind of suck. If anyone knows about a software that allows you to choose from more font options, PLEASE put me on.

Another thing I wanted to address in this post are my new Followers. Just wanted to say hey to all of you who've recently subscribed! I really appreciate it, and will soon return the favor. As for my new quiet lurkers--I see you all. My blog stats have spiked this month for some reason, so I want to hear from you! I love hearing what you guys think, what you'd want to see me blog about, and any other suggestions you might have. I want to know you 'Unknown' IP addresses. Who you are, where you're from. So, please don't be afraid to comment. I promise I don't bite :).

And finally, I just wanted to clarify my last post. I apologize if it seemed the least bit combative or defensive, because I really didn't mean it to appear that way. I just reread the final paragraph and realized that it could've been misinterpreted since it kind of seemed like I was implying that you, my blog fam, were trying to discourage me. Just so it's clear, I was speaking about people in my life, and NOT any of you. What I appreciate most about my readers is that, even when you disagree with me or my actions, you're always considerate, respectful, and constructive. I just wanted you all to know that I appreciate ALL feedback--positive or negative.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I'll Be Happy When...

When you release small snippets of your life--what you're doing, current frames of mind--you're pretty much putting yourself out there and allowing yourself to be an object of scrutiny. I realize that's what I've done by blogging about my Ex. And understandably, I've been getting some backlash and not so good feedback about the fact that we still correspond. At first I made up my mind to build up my little bubble again, and keep all things Ex-ish unspoken. But instead, I'd rather say a few things to make a post to set record straight about who I am, who he is, and who "we" are. Just to clear some doubt for some of you who are critical of the friendship I have with him.

As some of my older readers may know, I went through a pretty rough patch in February. I was having problems accepting the reality of my relationship with Ex. It broke my heart that I had deep feelings for him, but it seemed like all he wanted from me was sex. I made up my mind, as I have on various occasions, to stop talking to him. It was the advice I was getting from all my friends and family. STOP TALKING TO HIM! Avoid him at ALL costs! If you see him, run in the opposite direction! If he tries to talk to him, look straight through him! Be an outright Bitch! And most importantly, pretend he doesn't exist!

For a long time, I took everyone's advice. I tried to steer clear of him as much as possible. I deleted his phone number. I mean-mugged him when we crossed paths. I tried to pretend he didn't exist. But the more I pretended, the more he did exist. I ran into him everywhere. I rerouted my path and he somehow wound up in it. I changed my schedule, and there he was. I felt like he was some bad omen. It made me feel terrible because I couldn't get rid of him. I felt trapped. Like the only way I'd ever really find peace would be to move. Or leave my school.

I made it to the end of the year in one piece, ecstatic that I'd be able to get away from him. Even more ecstatic that the next year, our residencies would be totally different and we wouldn't EVER have a reason to run into each other. That is, until I realized that his girlfriend would be staying directly across the street from the apartment I'd be living in.

I was exasperated. Will it ever end??? Why can't I get away from him? Why is the Universe forcing us together? Why can't I just have peace and move on from him?

I ascertained that the rest of my collegiate career would undoubtedly be ruined if I stayed in another area where I'd run into him again, so I gave up my apartment. Forget that I had no idea where I would be staying next semester. I was guaranteed to not be around him OR his girlfriend, and that was all that mattered to me. I always swore that the only real way for me to move on from him was to get physical distance from him. But for some reason, I couldn't shake this guy. I couldn't for the life of me get away from him.

Does anyone else see how ridiculous this mentality is?

When I went to the meditation center, I came to some heavy realizations about myself. I was the girl who blamed everyone and everything else, without even realizing it. I was the I'll be happy when...Girl.

I'll be happy when he breaks up with her.
I'll be happy when he ends up with me.
I'll be happy when I have some space.
I'll be happy when he stops calling me.
I'll be happy when I graduate and move.
I'll be happy when I'm with someone new.

The list could go on for days and days. But the truth of the matter is, none of these things could ever make me happy if I'm still holding on to pain in my heart. Pain, anger, resentment, jealousy, longing. These are all things that were inside me. So, no matter how far I ran, or whether he broke up with her or not, I'd still be miserable because I'd still be holding all those toxic feelings inside. The only way to really be happy was to eliminate THOSE things. I had to stop relying on external factors to make me happy, because that's really all those things were. I hinged my happiness on some event that could possibly never happen. Some things that I had no real control over. And even if I did have control over them, those things wouldn't resolve the pain I was harboring. So, in affect, I crippled myself. Restricting my happiness to a few unlikely occurrences was inhibiting my ability to be happy at all. The only way to be happy was to get to the root of my pain. Deep inside of me.

That's exactly what I was able to do with Vipassana. And as a result, I've been able to release all those feelings that kept me unhappy. All of them. Now, I'm not saying that I'm immune to pain or heartbreak. Believing that would pretty much set me up for disappointment. But I have employed the principles of Vipassana in dealing with anything life throws at me. A cruel comment, an insult, a mistake. It's a fleeting moment. It's impermanent. So, why let it get you down? You see, we have no control over what happens to us in life. But we DO have control over how we react. We DO have control over how long things effect us. We have control over ourselves.

I used to think it was God's twisted sense of humor who forced us together so often, when all I desired was to be apart from him. But now I'm starting to realize that He's forcing us together as a challenge to me. Whenever I'd run away from Ex, things would always go the same way. I'm able to keep up the dodge game for a while, but at the expense of my nerves. Everywhere I went, I was nervous I'd run into him. And when I did see him, my heart would beat a mile a minute as I tried to pretend not to see him. I'd try to look like I was happy and calm, when I was really freaking out on the inside. I'd get frazzled by the entire encounter. Not to mention, it kept me on guard about seeing him at all times. In the end, I'd always end up back in the same position when I was found. Sleeping with him, and hating myself for being so weak-willed. Is this way of life really conducive to getting over a person? Not for me.

It took me a long time to realize that, what works for some people, doesn't work for all. Some find that they are their strongest when they erase all traces of their exs from their lives. When they totally and completely cut all ties. But I've found, since coming back from Vipassana, that I've been my strongest when I am in contact with my ex. In my case, it was pure weakness that made me run. But it's strength that's making me stay and face the music. Because, essentially, I'm facing myself.

There were a couple of friendships and relationships that, prior to going to the camp, I was ready to cut off. Some, because I didn't think I was strong enough to handle, and others because I didn't feel like dealing with the drama and negativity they had in their lives. But I learned that, blocking people from my life just because it takes too much effort to maintain the relationship, is pure cowardice. And I'm speaking of my male and female friends now. So, I decided to not run from them, and make an effort to fix them.

I know I've demonized Ex something serious on this blog. I've written about how much he's hurt me. It's no wonder you guys think it's a bad idea for me to remain friends with him. And it's totally understandable why you'd wonder how I'd want to be friends with someone who has broken my heart so many times. But the truth is, he's a good person. And the mistakes he's made in the past doesn't take away from that. Just as I didn't consider myself any less of a good person when I was in my messy affair with him. People make mistakes. Even good ones. And, while I wouldn't consider him as a romantic partner ever again, I do consider him a good friend, and I do have love for him. We do have friction sometimes, but what friendship doesn't? Friendship wise, we're great. It's only when things get physical, that things get messy. I'm taking great precaution to ensure that doesn't happen.

I know some of you are still unconvinced, but that's alright with me. I know myself. I know the peace I've found. And I know that I'm happy. Really and truly, I'm happy. A lot of people in my life, present company excluded, have tried to convince me that my happiness is just a phase. That, when the going gets tough, I'm going to stop meditating and fall back into my old miseries. I merely laugh those people off. Because, what they don't realize is, they only make me stronger. They make me more determined. They only fuel my ability to let their negative comments roll off my back. I've learned far too much about myself through my journey to allow something like Words kill my joy.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Hey peoples.

I feel the need to apologize to any of you who might've seen the video that was posted here. I had considered blogging about it, then realized that it wasn't even worth dignifying with a response. But I guess my draft somehow got published and was up for the past day without me knowing So, if anyone saw the disgusting ignorance that was this video, which I won't even link to, I apologize if it offended you.

Re: We Were On A Break

Okay, so I rarely make post responses to comments, but I just HAD to. I agree with every single one of you ladies. A 'break' is nothing short of a break-up. It's initiated by the person who doesn't want to be in a relationship, but doesn't want to break things off completely either. For whatever reason. Some take breaks out of fear. Some out of greed. And it's up to the poor sap on the opposing end to say, "Um...hell no! If you want a break, we're going to break, alright." If they don't do that, they pretty much screw themselves.

"...for me there is no "break". Either we're together or we're not. That was excuse to be with someone else and he gave you enough rope to hang yourself so he could have an excuse to really leave you."

Hehe. I love how you worded that, YoungBlackBeauty. It's sad but true though. Except, in his case, I'm pretty sure his intentions were just to string me along for as long as I could stand it. You know how guys can be. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. I know this because it happened on our first break. For two months we were on one, and when I was finally fed up with being in relationship limbo, I told him that I was leaving. But then, he decided he was "ready" to be with me again. So, like an idiot, I went back.

I gave him all the power. Played by all of his rules. I wouldn't (sometimes I think I even couldn't) stand up for myself. I wasn't strong enough to say that I wasn't going to put up with it because I didn't want to lose him. You know, because I was so in loooooove or whatever. I definitely didn't have the sense I have now, back then. For one, I'm a lot more cautious about who I end up seeing exclusively in the first place. Hence my three year stint as a single gal. But most importantly, if I ever did end up dating someone again and he requested a break, he could just consider it over. Then and there. Being the chump that I was though, I didn't want to let go. Ugh man. I was such a dumb broad.

Buuuuut anyway, I just had to say that I'm in utter agreement with all of you. And I hope that anyone out there, male or female, who has at one point initiated a break, can see how incredibly ridiculous it is. Stop being greedy and selfish. If you want freedom, grow some balls/ovaries and break it off. This is directed at no one in particular. Just saying...Some women (and men) out there can be very naive. And to take advantage of their love and devotion, just because they don't have the sense and experience to tell you HELL NO, is pure douchebaggness.

At the same time though, it's important for us, on the receiving end of mistreatment, to take responsibility for our own actions. We don't realize that a lot of times, we are the cause of our own unhappiness. Aside from cases where we are literally robbed of control, we really do have say in how things turn out. We (men and women) have the tendency to feel like we are the victims. Like we're the abused. When really, by allowing someone else to victimize us, we're abusing ourselves. The most important lesson I've learned out of all of this, is that it's nobody's fault but mine. Yeah, it's true. He only treated me as bad as I allowed him to. When I was finally able to acknowledge that, it was easier to let go of the resentment that I've had for so long. I'm not saying he didn't do some bogus ish, because he definitely did. But I have no control over his actions. Only mine. And if I keep walking into the same traps, knowing the outcome, that pretty much makes me a masochist.

Sorry for getting all motivational speaker on you all. This is just a very common position that MANY people find themselves in. And until we can take responsibility for our own unhappiness, we're destined to be unhappy. We have to stop being the victim.

Anyway, thanks for the comments! I love seeing how people feel about things like this. It's seems pretty unanimous what you guys think. Breaks are bullshit.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

"We Were On A Break!"

I think we've all seen, if not heard, the infamous episode of Friends where, while Ross and Rachael were on a break, he hooked up with another woman. When they finally got back together, she never let him live it down.

I think it's time I tell you guys with happen between Ex and I. You know, the part that led to our post-relationship drama.

The reason I'm deciding to blog about this now, after over a year of blogging about Ex, is because I'm really starting to question relationship titles lately. Boyfriend, Boo, Beau, Manfriend, Fiance, Friend, F**k Buddies. Relationship, Open Relationship, Marriage...It's all getting a little blurry to me. I guess, since I'm starting to realize how little people seem to honor their relationships with others, I can't help but rethink my old relationships.

We were on our SECOND break. Both were initiated by him. And we all know that a break sucks for the person who didn't want it. I couldn't really blame him for the second one though. I was a Senior in high school and we never got to see each other. I didn't want to ruin his college experience so, I reluctantly agreed.

Where things took a sour turn was that I noticed that he wasn't testing the waters and dating a few different girls. It was one in particular. One girl that he spoke with often, saw often. It began to bother me. I expressed my concern to him, but he wasn't willing to end the break...because he didn't want to hurt her feelings.Stunned and hurt that he would consider this girl's feelings over mine, when we had been dating for a year, I told him that I too would start dating other guys. And it was all downhill from there.

I meant a guy who was in the same boat as me. We found common ground on our detestation of the Break and I guess you could say we comforted each other. Because we shared many of the same interests and tastes, we hit it off really well and really fast. Pretty soon I started developing, what I thought were love-ish feelings for him. But really, just to be honested, I was just desperate as hell. Feeling rejected by the one I really loved, I took comfort in a guy who claimed to care about me. We eventually hook up, and that's where things got messy.

In addition to having a severely guilty conscience, I've always been a TERRIBLE liar. I usually try to refrain from doing things that I'd have to lie about, just to avoid the embarassment of being caught in one. But back then, I wasn't as smart as I am now. So, I hooked up with this guy while Ex and I were on a break. And then I tried to hide it. That lasted for about two days because the sh*t hit the fan pretty quickly. I lied my ass off because I was too afraid to fess up, which only made matters worse. On top of that, by then I was heavily involved with this other guy, whose feelings I didn't want to hurt. But in the end, both guys ended up hurt. Ex VERY quicky rebounded with the girl he'd been getting ultra cozy with while we were dating, and the rest is history.

So, there you have it. My dirt aired out across the blogosphere. Now you see why I felt like I owed Ex something and faught like hell to get him back.

But back to the real point of this story: What's the deal with titles these days? You have married people who swing, or just plain open relationships. You have friends with benefits. And people who are in a relationship both cheat on each other. And you have exs who never really break up. The list is endless.

I don't wanna make you all bias but here's my two cents. While I was definitely wrong for lying, I can't fully feel responsible for the demise of our relationship. WE WERE ON A BREAK! One that I didn't want to be on, to start with. I just went along with it because it felt unfair to see him getting intimate with this chick. And when I say "intimate", I mean that on the emotional level. But more on that later. Anyway, was what I did really any worse than what he did?

With so much boundary crossing these days, what really constitutes cheating? Of course, I was wrong to lie about the things I did, but was I wrong to do them? Did he have a right to be angry? Do you considering hooking up with someone else while on a break cheating? How do YOU define a break?

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Infidelity: Emotional vs. Physical

Which do you think is more hurtful?

Cat and Mouse.

Before you say it, I know my current layout is a mess. I haven't really taken the time to make a new banner, and I'm undecided about the color scheme too. As a result, my blog is looking pretty blah right now, sans my sidebar. I'll try to have things back in order by Monday. Even if I have to use my old header.

So, just now I was cruising blogs and came across a post that got me thinking. I won't link to it, because it seemed like a relatively personal matter, but I'll summarize in a nutshell. Titled "Ex Games", the blogger posted an email that one of her readers sent. She talked about how she was serious with a boyfriend for a couple of years, and they broke up due to something she did. What ensued the years after that (and continue to the point she sent the email) was a game of cat and mouse. She'd suck up to him, beg him, do everything in her power to get him to take her back, and he'd ignore her. Treat her like crap, take advantage of her devotion to him. Sometimes he'd show affection, other times he'd be cold to her. All the while, he's in a relationship.

Finally she gets fed up with all of his mixed signals and tells him that she doesn't want to speak with him anymore. She's made up her mind that she's moving on, no longer waiting around for him to "choose" her. No longer stroking his ego and diminishing her self-esteem. She's determined to cut all ties with him, and is doing quite well when suddenly...She get's an email from him. He's incredibly complimentary, and surprisingly open. He seems pretty interested. Sweet, attentive, it seems like he wants things to go somewhere. She decides to let him back in.


Once she's reeled back in by what seems like his desire to be back together, the tables turn and once again he's resisting. And unfortunately, she's back in the situation she started: begging and pleading.

This post struck a chord with me because I've gone through something quite similar with my ex.

My most relationship was ended due to a mistake I made as well. We were both very guilty of two different offenses but mine was the worst of two evils...I guess. Anyway, at the time, I was determined to get him back. I was willing to do anything. To put up with anything. To even stay as I watched a relationship blossom between he and the girl he'd (emotionally) cheated on me with. And boy did I put myself through some things...Eventually I decided that I couldn't take it anymore and tried to move on. But it seemed like every time I tried to, he'd say or do something that would make me come back. Begging forgiveness, getting fed up, vowing to move on, getting pulled back in. And repeat. The more he pulled away from me, the more I wanted him. And the more I distanced himself from him, the more he showed interest.

Fast forward to 2009. Things have been cool between us for the past few months. Mostly because of me. I've finally learned how to suck it up, stop holding on, and let go of the past (both painful and pleasurable). As a result, things are a lot smoother between us considering I'm a lot stronger and wiser than I was back then. But still, I'm starting to realize that, although we don't blatantly play the cat and mouse game anymore, the same rules seem to apply. Whether intentionally on his part or otherwise, I've begun to notice a trend with our relationship lately.

Now here, I know I have to choose my words wisely, because the person I am referring too might possibly be reading right now. If you are, I'm gonna need you to not trip on this later lol.

It usually goes like this: I'll have shelved all the pain and resentment of the past, and it's clear that I'm moving forward to a brighter future. I no longer ask questions about "us" versus "them". I don't care anymore. I make up my mind to close that chapter and start on a new one of my own. I'm at my best--happy, hopeful, positive, budding romance, etc. Things are still cool between us, I don't give him the cold shoulder or anything. I'm just less interested in him romantically. Anyway, it often happens that, when I am moving away from this little love/lust triangle that he and I have had for the past two years, he's suddenly more interested in what I think. More willing to share. Questions I could never get him to answer before, he's offering up the info. He'll express things that may ignite a glimmer of hope in me. Or he'll tell me things that will temporarily wound me all over again. It's like he senses when he's on the verge of losing me (emotionally) and finds a way of refreshing old feelings (the painful and the pleasurable).

Now, I have to just make a point here. These things he says or does never keep me down. Nothing he does can permanently paralyze my happiness. And I don't mean that in a threatening way. There are just times when I'm temporarily effected by him. But still, despite the fleeting nature of these effects, the question still remains:

Why does it always seem like, whenever we try to completely move on, our exs' always come back to hunt us?