Sunday, July 5, 2009

"We Were On A Break!"

I think we've all seen, if not heard, the infamous episode of Friends where, while Ross and Rachael were on a break, he hooked up with another woman. When they finally got back together, she never let him live it down.

I think it's time I tell you guys with happen between Ex and I. You know, the part that led to our post-relationship drama.

The reason I'm deciding to blog about this now, after over a year of blogging about Ex, is because I'm really starting to question relationship titles lately. Boyfriend, Boo, Beau, Manfriend, Fiance, Friend, F**k Buddies. Relationship, Open Relationship, Marriage...It's all getting a little blurry to me. I guess, since I'm starting to realize how little people seem to honor their relationships with others, I can't help but rethink my old relationships.

We were on our SECOND break. Both were initiated by him. And we all know that a break sucks for the person who didn't want it. I couldn't really blame him for the second one though. I was a Senior in high school and we never got to see each other. I didn't want to ruin his college experience so, I reluctantly agreed.

Where things took a sour turn was that I noticed that he wasn't testing the waters and dating a few different girls. It was one in particular. One girl that he spoke with often, saw often. It began to bother me. I expressed my concern to him, but he wasn't willing to end the break...because he didn't want to hurt her feelings.Stunned and hurt that he would consider this girl's feelings over mine, when we had been dating for a year, I told him that I too would start dating other guys. And it was all downhill from there.

I meant a guy who was in the same boat as me. We found common ground on our detestation of the Break and I guess you could say we comforted each other. Because we shared many of the same interests and tastes, we hit it off really well and really fast. Pretty soon I started developing, what I thought were love-ish feelings for him. But really, just to be honested, I was just desperate as hell. Feeling rejected by the one I really loved, I took comfort in a guy who claimed to care about me. We eventually hook up, and that's where things got messy.

In addition to having a severely guilty conscience, I've always been a TERRIBLE liar. I usually try to refrain from doing things that I'd have to lie about, just to avoid the embarassment of being caught in one. But back then, I wasn't as smart as I am now. So, I hooked up with this guy while Ex and I were on a break. And then I tried to hide it. That lasted for about two days because the sh*t hit the fan pretty quickly. I lied my ass off because I was too afraid to fess up, which only made matters worse. On top of that, by then I was heavily involved with this other guy, whose feelings I didn't want to hurt. But in the end, both guys ended up hurt. Ex VERY quicky rebounded with the girl he'd been getting ultra cozy with while we were dating, and the rest is history.

So, there you have it. My dirt aired out across the blogosphere. Now you see why I felt like I owed Ex something and faught like hell to get him back.

But back to the real point of this story: What's the deal with titles these days? You have married people who swing, or just plain open relationships. You have friends with benefits. And people who are in a relationship both cheat on each other. And you have exs who never really break up. The list is endless.

I don't wanna make you all bias but here's my two cents. While I was definitely wrong for lying, I can't fully feel responsible for the demise of our relationship. WE WERE ON A BREAK! One that I didn't want to be on, to start with. I just went along with it because it felt unfair to see him getting intimate with this chick. And when I say "intimate", I mean that on the emotional level. But more on that later. Anyway, was what I did really any worse than what he did?

With so much boundary crossing these days, what really constitutes cheating? Of course, I was wrong to lie about the things I did, but was I wrong to do them? Did he have a right to be angry? Do you considering hooking up with someone else while on a break cheating? How do YOU define a break?


Jaded said...

What sounds like a "break" was really a "break up". Just more word play for something that means the same thing. The only "break" that isn't a "break up" is when two people decided NOT to see other people AT ALL. (You know for career reasons, finding themselves etc) and even those are suspect.

I have no clue why I am coming across all "know it all-ish" lol.

Seriously though. I believe that a break is just the easy way of breaking's kinda like saying: Hey, can we please plan on slowly drifting apart?

YoungBlackBeauty said...

I agree with Jaded, for me there is no "break". Either we're together or we're not. That was excuse to be with someone else and he gave you enough rope to hang yourself so he could have an excuse to really leave you. Im glad you learned from this situation thought because I see tons of reed flags in that story.

For me, cheating is sharing anything emotional or intimate with someone beside your committed partner. If you sharing your emotions or body with someone, it's cheating.

Anonymous said...

Fuck Breaks I don't take breaks We are either NON monogamous and everyone does what they want or we are together Monogamous and that's it, no in between I can't be kind of whory about other guys, Is all or nothing and my patented Scorch the earth approach, I DON'T like to be cornered into a relationshi, but if I enter into one with with the clear understanding that I will drink your bathwater clean your filthy underwear etc... but you are doing the same for me and only me, if you gonna half ass it don't bring up exclusivity cause i will NOT do that

BUt yeah After I have a "the talk" moment thrown on me then I MUST be good

unequivocal difference said...

For me personally, emotional cheating is the worse of the two. Though I would be hard pressed to be acceptable of physical indiscretions, emotional cheating would hurt me more.

Like all the other ladies said before me, there is no break in my world. Either we're responsible to each other or we aren't. So the fact that the ex felt he had the right to get upset is bogus; he just wanted to make you the guilty party.

Experience is the best teacher. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Experience is the best teacher. said...

I think emotional cheating definitely hurts more. This is perhaps why, of all the females my "Ex" slept with my freshman through junior years of college, the one he ended up with after I finally left him alone is the one who caused me the most pain and raised the most questions. When it's just a ton of girls, I think we, as women, want to chalk it up to possibly some male characteristic that we believe they could possibly grow out of. When it's just one specific girl that they're showing all this affection, it makes us realize that our position in their lives may not be what we thought it was, and is thereby threatened. We forgive a man for succumbing to the temptation of big boobs or a fat ass.. (Well, to a certain extent, I can, I think.) But extended wining and dining, public interactions and exhibiting other behavior that shows a genuine interest in another female makes us question whether something we are doing is wrong enough for him to think that this new girl deserves the things we (should have) worked hard for.

Also, I arrived at the "relationships are bs" conclusion a long time ago. I only know one close friend in a relationship I might consider decent. (And she's married to a man who is 10 years older than us... The generational difference may be the saving grace of that relationship.) Everyone else is putting up with various stages of phuckery. At the risk of my comment becoming a BBW rant, I digress from this aspect of your question.

Now for breaks... They're bullshit. I feel that we can either work through it, or just leave it alone altogether, and if it is to happen, we'll get back together later. I think it's bs to break up with someone on the pretense that you guys will reunite. If a person loves me, this love should trump any lust they feel that would lead them to want time away from me to fuck other girls. This scenario just set both parties up for failure, especially if the break takes away the factor of monogamy. Also, since guys (from my experience) seem to be less equipped to handle the truth about the things that can happen outside of a committed monogamous relationship, the only way I could see a break working is if both parties agree to never discuss their dating activities while "on the break". And even then, IDK how one would get over the thoughts and speculations about what actually took place.

It's amazing I've found all this inspiration to comment on your blog and none to post on my own. :-/

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