Saturday, July 4, 2009

Cat and Mouse.

Before you say it, I know my current layout is a mess. I haven't really taken the time to make a new banner, and I'm undecided about the color scheme too. As a result, my blog is looking pretty blah right now, sans my sidebar. I'll try to have things back in order by Monday. Even if I have to use my old header.

So, just now I was cruising blogs and came across a post that got me thinking. I won't link to it, because it seemed like a relatively personal matter, but I'll summarize in a nutshell. Titled "Ex Games", the blogger posted an email that one of her readers sent. She talked about how she was serious with a boyfriend for a couple of years, and they broke up due to something she did. What ensued the years after that (and continue to the point she sent the email) was a game of cat and mouse. She'd suck up to him, beg him, do everything in her power to get him to take her back, and he'd ignore her. Treat her like crap, take advantage of her devotion to him. Sometimes he'd show affection, other times he'd be cold to her. All the while, he's in a relationship.

Finally she gets fed up with all of his mixed signals and tells him that she doesn't want to speak with him anymore. She's made up her mind that she's moving on, no longer waiting around for him to "choose" her. No longer stroking his ego and diminishing her self-esteem. She's determined to cut all ties with him, and is doing quite well when suddenly...She get's an email from him. He's incredibly complimentary, and surprisingly open. He seems pretty interested. Sweet, attentive, it seems like he wants things to go somewhere. She decides to let him back in.


Once she's reeled back in by what seems like his desire to be back together, the tables turn and once again he's resisting. And unfortunately, she's back in the situation she started: begging and pleading.

This post struck a chord with me because I've gone through something quite similar with my ex.

My most relationship was ended due to a mistake I made as well. We were both very guilty of two different offenses but mine was the worst of two evils...I guess. Anyway, at the time, I was determined to get him back. I was willing to do anything. To put up with anything. To even stay as I watched a relationship blossom between he and the girl he'd (emotionally) cheated on me with. And boy did I put myself through some things...Eventually I decided that I couldn't take it anymore and tried to move on. But it seemed like every time I tried to, he'd say or do something that would make me come back. Begging forgiveness, getting fed up, vowing to move on, getting pulled back in. And repeat. The more he pulled away from me, the more I wanted him. And the more I distanced himself from him, the more he showed interest.

Fast forward to 2009. Things have been cool between us for the past few months. Mostly because of me. I've finally learned how to suck it up, stop holding on, and let go of the past (both painful and pleasurable). As a result, things are a lot smoother between us considering I'm a lot stronger and wiser than I was back then. But still, I'm starting to realize that, although we don't blatantly play the cat and mouse game anymore, the same rules seem to apply. Whether intentionally on his part or otherwise, I've begun to notice a trend with our relationship lately.

Now here, I know I have to choose my words wisely, because the person I am referring too might possibly be reading right now. If you are, I'm gonna need you to not trip on this later lol.

It usually goes like this: I'll have shelved all the pain and resentment of the past, and it's clear that I'm moving forward to a brighter future. I no longer ask questions about "us" versus "them". I don't care anymore. I make up my mind to close that chapter and start on a new one of my own. I'm at my best--happy, hopeful, positive, budding romance, etc. Things are still cool between us, I don't give him the cold shoulder or anything. I'm just less interested in him romantically. Anyway, it often happens that, when I am moving away from this little love/lust triangle that he and I have had for the past two years, he's suddenly more interested in what I think. More willing to share. Questions I could never get him to answer before, he's offering up the info. He'll express things that may ignite a glimmer of hope in me. Or he'll tell me things that will temporarily wound me all over again. It's like he senses when he's on the verge of losing me (emotionally) and finds a way of refreshing old feelings (the painful and the pleasurable).

Now, I have to just make a point here. These things he says or does never keep me down. Nothing he does can permanently paralyze my happiness. And I don't mean that in a threatening way. There are just times when I'm temporarily effected by him. But still, despite the fleeting nature of these effects, the question still remains:

Why does it always seem like, whenever we try to completely move on, our exs' always come back to hunt us?


Anonymous said...

Just stumbled upon your blog and I loves it. This one is well written and i definitely agree with you on that last question..I guess the key is to just stay strong, stand our ground, let the past be the past and move on without acknowledging the exs

Jaded said...

See. I disagree. If it seems like we've moved on and an ex is able to "reel" us back in then we havent moved on. Bec tell the truth. Are the NO ex's that your just like: Wow. Thats sweet but. Uh. No. We're just friends. I have three like that...two of those three have tried to "re holla" at me and I'm like. You're like a brother to me. Sorry.

If a person still has an effect (affect?) on us. Then we haven't moved on. No for real.

Although what do I know?

Bloggal said...

@ tia: thanks honeybee! i'm glad you like it:) welcome and come back soon!

@ jaded: i totally see your point. but the operative word here is "try".

"...whenever we TRY to completely move on."

i'm not going to pretend that i'm "over" my ex. but i certainly am making an effort to TRY and move on. in that sense, i can say that i'm making progress. but love isn't something that can be erased. so no matter what you do to physically move on from a person, there's a chance your heart might still be connected to theirs.

Anonymous said...

UGh! Syd I don't even see why there is enough goodness in your heart to stay in any kind of communication with that... Let me shut up

But yeah O HI IF you are reading this You Still are A piece of Shit: Says I


Experience is the best teacher. said...

I'm w/ Q. I really don't know why you're still communicating him.

Love him from a distance until he no longer incites any strong emotion from you at all, one way or the other. If you're anything like me (and from your posts, we seem to have similar traits in this area) you'll never be completely over it until you just stop freaking talking to him long enough to get over it.

If you insist on being friends (though, my mind feels that someone who could string you along and, basically PLAY you is not your friend... hence my drastic decisions to completely cut off my exes) and/or communicating with him, talking about the relationship you used to have is probably not the best idea. In fact, I'd steer as clear of anything related to any of that as is possible.

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