Monday, July 6, 2009

Re: We Were On A Break

Okay, so I rarely make post responses to comments, but I just HAD to. I agree with every single one of you ladies. A 'break' is nothing short of a break-up. It's initiated by the person who doesn't want to be in a relationship, but doesn't want to break things off completely either. For whatever reason. Some take breaks out of fear. Some out of greed. And it's up to the poor sap on the opposing end to say, "Um...hell no! If you want a break, we're going to break, alright." If they don't do that, they pretty much screw themselves.

"...for me there is no "break". Either we're together or we're not. That was excuse to be with someone else and he gave you enough rope to hang yourself so he could have an excuse to really leave you."

Hehe. I love how you worded that, YoungBlackBeauty. It's sad but true though. Except, in his case, I'm pretty sure his intentions were just to string me along for as long as I could stand it. You know how guys can be. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. I know this because it happened on our first break. For two months we were on one, and when I was finally fed up with being in relationship limbo, I told him that I was leaving. But then, he decided he was "ready" to be with me again. So, like an idiot, I went back.

I gave him all the power. Played by all of his rules. I wouldn't (sometimes I think I even couldn't) stand up for myself. I wasn't strong enough to say that I wasn't going to put up with it because I didn't want to lose him. You know, because I was so in loooooove or whatever. I definitely didn't have the sense I have now, back then. For one, I'm a lot more cautious about who I end up seeing exclusively in the first place. Hence my three year stint as a single gal. But most importantly, if I ever did end up dating someone again and he requested a break, he could just consider it over. Then and there. Being the chump that I was though, I didn't want to let go. Ugh man. I was such a dumb broad.

Buuuuut anyway, I just had to say that I'm in utter agreement with all of you. And I hope that anyone out there, male or female, who has at one point initiated a break, can see how incredibly ridiculous it is. Stop being greedy and selfish. If you want freedom, grow some balls/ovaries and break it off. This is directed at no one in particular. Just saying...Some women (and men) out there can be very naive. And to take advantage of their love and devotion, just because they don't have the sense and experience to tell you HELL NO, is pure douchebaggness.

At the same time though, it's important for us, on the receiving end of mistreatment, to take responsibility for our own actions. We don't realize that a lot of times, we are the cause of our own unhappiness. Aside from cases where we are literally robbed of control, we really do have say in how things turn out. We (men and women) have the tendency to feel like we are the victims. Like we're the abused. When really, by allowing someone else to victimize us, we're abusing ourselves. The most important lesson I've learned out of all of this, is that it's nobody's fault but mine. Yeah, it's true. He only treated me as bad as I allowed him to. When I was finally able to acknowledge that, it was easier to let go of the resentment that I've had for so long. I'm not saying he didn't do some bogus ish, because he definitely did. But I have no control over his actions. Only mine. And if I keep walking into the same traps, knowing the outcome, that pretty much makes me a masochist.

Sorry for getting all motivational speaker on you all. This is just a very common position that MANY people find themselves in. And until we can take responsibility for our own unhappiness, we're destined to be unhappy. We have to stop being the victim.

Anyway, thanks for the comments! I love seeing how people feel about things like this. It's seems pretty unanimous what you guys think. Breaks are bullshit.


strangetimes said...

I can't stand the concept/idea of "Breaks". As many posters have already mentionned, breaks are just an immature way to ease a relationship into a breakup without taking any responsibility or blame for what's going to happen.

I was on the receiving end of this scenario in one of my relationships back in college. We were in a rocky patch and she suggested that we take a break from each other for a while.

ST: "Does that mean I don't call you for a while?"
Ex: "No, of course not. You can call me whenever you like."
ST: "Does that mean we don't go out for a while?"
Ex: "No, I'll still want to see you."
ST: "...How is this any different from what we have right now?"

I basically told her - ok, look, we can go on a "break", if you want to. But just know that I'm not going to see/date/flirt with anybody else whatsoever. If you do any of those things with another guy, then we won't be on break, we'll be broken up.

Ex: "That's not fair! That's not how it's supposed to work!"

ST: I don't care! You're either with me, or not. There aren't any shades of grey here.

Muze said...

hey lovely.

long time no pass by, i know. i'm back to blogging now, so expect me here more! :)

soooo i have to admit, i've been one to initiate 'breaks' for selfish reasons before, and i had the kind of man who just wanted to be with me, so he dealt.

nothing good can come of these breaks. and you're absolutely right, i think it's a sign of cowardice on both parts. the initiator being too weak to let go completely, and the one allowing it too weak to say hell eff no.


hope all is well babe.

Experience is the best teacher. said...

Ah, Strangetimes. I like your comment! :-)

strangetimes said...

@ Experience

- Thank you for the complement. = ) I do appreciate feedback.

I just read your multiple paragraph entry for the "We were on a break" post. You're a very skillful writer. I'm just about to check out your blog right now.

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