Last night was intense. I do get personal on this blog, but never that personal. I was having one of those low, woe-is-me moments. But, thanks to a new day, a little retail therapy, and your wonderful encouragement, I'm pretty much back to my old self.
This weekend's events got me thinking about the vital questions. You know, the ones that you're never able to answer, so you just tuck them away into the back of your mind. The big question for me is, what do I want out of life at this moment?
I can't quite answer that question. But I know enough about myself to know what I don't want.
After a little reflection on the situation with Mr. Cocky, I realized where I went wrong. It was when he told me that he didn't want a relationship. That this little affair would be going nowhere. He even admitted to me that, he'd continue to talk to other girls, plus more...Though I felt a pang of disappointment when he told me this, I decided to be cool with it. I convinced myself that I didn't want a relationship with him anyway, so it was no big deal.
I'm not saying I do want a relationship because, as I mentioned before, I don't have time for one right now. But at the same time, I do want a little more than a friend with benefits. Yes, I want the sex, however, I want the intimacy too. I wish I was liberated enough to be able to have a carefree attitude towards sex, but I'm not. I do have a problem with a guy sleeping with me and then someone else. I do want enough security to know that I'm the only one he's being intimate with.
I knew all this before I decided to go along with Mr. Cocky's terms. But I ignored what my heart was telling me. I settled.
Mr. Cocky wasn't a bad guy. He told me upfront what he wanted I actually have to give it to him for being honest with me. But he wasn't the right match for me. His agenda was far different from my own, but I molded mine to align with his. If I learned anything from this situation, it's to be true to myself and not change my standards for anyone else.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Last night was intense. I do get personal on this blog, but never that personal. I was having one of those low, woe-is-me moments. But, thanks to a new day, a little retail therapy, and your wonderful encouragement, I'm pretty much back to my old self.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
It's been a while since an emotional matter has distracted me so much that I can't focus on anything else.
I tried the Hairflip but it didn't work.
Neither did the Don't Give a Fuck Philosophy.
Right now, I'm feeling a little dead inside.
This weekend was a little too much for me. Last night after the situation with Ex, I called Mr. Cocky, for a little comfort. No, not sexual comfort. Just good old fashion cuddle comfort. When he answered his phone, he said he was out.
So, I popped in Sex and the City and tried to comfort myself. But I couldn't. I felt so utterly alone for some reason.
I hoped to wake up to a better day, but not much changed. It was an unusually quiet day in the gallery so I was left to my thoughts for three hours.
I decided to email Ex. And I'd keep it short and simple:
the only thing that i could possibly imagine you being upset about is the fact that you may know that i am involved with someone. what you know, i'm not exactly sure. but i have a hunch about how you know (i think you read my blog, maybe i'm wrong)...but if that really is what it is--and that's ALL it can be--then i think that's kind of messed up. you made your choice. and what was i supposed to do, hope and wait for something to change? come on now...after everything i went through with you last year, you can pull something like this? if i can live with the fact that you're STILL with [...] after all my attempts, then i would've thought you'd be able to accept me with someone else.
but it's whatever. you always said that you hoped we could be cool once i moved on. now that i have, you're giving me this attitude...kinda messed up. but if that's how it's going to be then fine. just remember you made it this way.
Mind you, this message came only after two texts and an attempted phone call. But still, no response.
After I decided not to pursue Ex anymore, I thought about Mr. Cocky....
He told me upfront, after we recognized how fast things were moving, that he didn't want a relationship. He only called me after hours, only for sex. I tried to pretend that I was okay with it because, he might've been using me, but hey, I was using him too. I was beginning to get the vibe that he wasn't that into me, but decided that I could be the 'just sex and nothing more' kind of gal. But then I had to be honest with myself. I've never been that girl. I'm a monogamist. I don't just want sex. I want love. I want to be loved. I settled for this friends with benefits scenario because I felt like that was all I could get. But I want more. I deserve more.
I decided to make an unspoken decision not to talk to him anymore. If he called me late tonight, I'd tell him what was up. If not, it would just end by default. But before I could even set my plan in stone, I ran into Mr. Cocky at LN. He was with a girl. They looked pretty cozy and the chemistry seemed to be there. I lingered a while, chatted with a few friends so I wouldn't be too obvious. When I got the moment to, I made my escape.
I felt kind of numb at first. Like, oh well, another lesson learned. Tried to shrug it off, but I couldn't. My biggest insecurity started to rear it's ugly head....
I always get the "I don't want a relationship" speech from guys. It's an inevitable conversation in every almost-relationship I have. They always tell me that "it's not me" but I can't help but wonder, if it's not me then why can you have a relationship with her? WE sparked too, but you didn't want it with me. Am I not pretty enough? Do you think I'm fat? What is it???
In my Honest Blogger post, I made a the confession that I'm afraid I'm unlovable. Your comments were so sweet, but the fear is more prominent that it was before. It's a difficult thing to admit, but that's what this blog is for...
What is it about me? Why is that all I'm ever good for to guys is sex? Why can't I find anyone who wants the total package? What's wrong with me?
Remember when I mentioned that he stopped by my room the other day, but said it wasn't worth elaborating on? Well, maybe I it was.
It was a completely random and unexpected visit so when he knocked on my door, I was in the process of blogging. I yelled, "Come in!" because I figured it was just a floor mate or someone. Once he walked in, I tried to minimize my blog but before I could, he caught sight of it. So, he of course, wanted to read it. I didn't mind showing him the latest entry that I'd made because, for once, it wasn't about him. But I realized that I had recently made a few posts about Mr. Cocky, and I didn't want him to see them, so I kind of made a fuss about him not scrolling down. Anyway, he eventually gave up and we chatted a while longer before he left.
That was Monday. Tonight I ran into him and he seemed kind of weird. Though he was on the phone, he barely made eye contact or even said hello. So, once I made it back to my room, I gave him a call but he didn't answer. About ten minutes later, he calls back and greets me in the coldest tone. I asked if everything was okay, and he insisted that it was, but I could tell it wasn't. After a while, he admitted that something was bothering him, but said it was 'no biggie'. At first I thought it was a fight with his girlfriend, but it turned out that it was something about me. After nearly 15 minutes of trying to get it out of him, he got off the phone with me because he was on his way to his girlfriend's house.
Okay, he definitely knows about Mr. Cocky, was my initial thought. But how? I started to wrack my brain for possible explanations. Is Cocky going around bragging to his friends? Did that nosey girl on my floor turn out to be a friend of Ex, and she told him that she heard me getting freaky at 5 in the morning?
And then it hit me. Gasp...My blog!!!
Thinking back on the moment when Ex was fighting to read my blog, I realized that, for a good 10 minutes the URL was in plain view. He could've easily seen it, took a mental note, and visited it later..It may sound a bit nuerotic and far fetched, but I don't know what else to think.
Ugh, I'd be mortified if he read my blog. If he's reading it right now....I hate that I still care what he thinks of me. And I hate that he can still get to me like this. Only him...
I'm so used to being persistent when he does the whole tight lipped routine, but I'm wondering if I should just leave it be this time. If he knows, he knows. If he thinks I'm a slut for it, then so be it. I guess I feel the need to explain my actions to him for some reason. But I know I don't owe him an explanation.
Remind me I don't owe him an explanation...
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Wow, Wednesday already??? Time flies, I tell ya. Sometimes I still accidently write 2007 on my papers and it's nearly 2009. Where's the time going?
Today I decided to slow down a little and take a sick day. It's justified too. I've had this bug since last Friday, but I haven't given myself the time to heal. Though I've doped myself up on cold/flu drugs, I haven't given them time to go into effect. So, I'm using today to catch up on my rest and my work and my blogs...Doesn't sound much like a sick day anymore lol.
Hmmm, today is feeling like a rant day. I rarely do them so here goes.
*I miss my family. This summer, I got super tight with all of them. My parents separated when I was very young, so for a long time it's been me, my mom, and my two sisters--all ladies in the house. In my angsty teenage years, I didn't appreciate their company. But after going away to school and coming home again, I realized how nice it is to have all women in the house because it enables a closer bond. My mom is 43, older sis 21, and younger sis 13. The age difference sounds big, but we were like girlfriends. We had a blast this summer. My mom had gotten laid off from her job at Business Magazine (surprisingly to her delight) and decided to venture and discover herself. After all, the nest is almost empty. Meanwhile, my sisters and I just hung out. Chilled. Got to know each other better. The age gap between my younger sister and I has kept us from getting close. But now that she's 13 and going through all those teenage issues, I can be the big sis I've always wanted:). Anyway, I love my mom and sisters, and I don't know what I'd do without any of them.
*Last night I had what could possibly be the most embarrassing moment in a long time. Mr. Cocky unexpected popped up at my door. When he walked in, he was laughing and out of breath. His face was beat red. "What happened???" I asked. When he finally managed to catch his break he said, laughing, "A girl out there just asked me, 'are yall gon' have sex again tonight'?" LOL. I was mortified. I knew I was getting some funny looks yesterday morning while I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth. Damn that rickety ass bed! My roommate from last year offered to give me her blow up mattress so that nobody would hear us anymore. See, I love my friends. They support me even in my most skanky habits lol.
*My best friend, who I've referred to several times on this blog, is pregnant. She's 19 and she attends the University of Chicago. The girl is smart as hell and has BIG things going for her. She's 10 weeks along and she still "doesn't know what she's going to do". I told her she'd better figure it out soon because the longer she waits, the more of a moral dilemma she'll have. I support her 100% in whatever she chooses to do, but there's just one problem...She just broke up with with father. When I say this guy was an asshole, I'm not just throwing the word around like I usually do. He actually told her that she's annoying, he can't stand to be around her, and ever since she told him she was pregnant, he's "hated her more and more each day." That shit is foul. Especially to hear that when you're pregnant, vulnerable, sensitive, and emotional--he crossed the line. Aside from that, he treated her like shit in every other respect so I think she did the right thing by leaving him.
So, now she's single, pregnant, and lonely. We've been friends since the 4th grade so that basically makes me the baby's daddy. I just feel like a bad friend though because I don't know how to tell her that I literally don't have the time to sit on the phone with her anymore. I know that sounds insensitive, but hear me out. I'm in school now. I can't just talk for hours like I did in the summer. It doesn't help that UofC doesn't start until a month after most other universities. That means, for the past 4 weeks, I've been getting phone calls at the most ungodly and inconvenient hours, trying to be the supportive friend. But...I'm growing a little impatient. And I feel bad for it. Not that I don't want to be there for her, but she calls me 8 times a day (not exaggerating, between classes when she knows I have a 10 minute break and everything) with the same problems. When I try to offer solutions, she never heeds. I feel terrible because I know she's going through something I can't fathom...Ugh, I feel like a bad friend. And I didn't realize that was bothering me as much as it was.
*Have you noticed anything lately? I haven't made a post about Ex in a long time. In fact, I haven't seen him for a long time (except for when he stopped by to visit about a day ago, an incident not even worth elaborating on). When I met Mr. Cocky, it was like Ex fell off the face of the earth, which is truly bizarre because we still live right across the street from each other and I still frequent his building for one reason or another. What's also a coincidence is that I no longer see his girlfriend either. She has a class in the same lecture hall I do, right after me so I used to run into her at least twice a week. But now, no sight of her. I'm not complaining though. It's just weird. Maybe this is just God's way of helping me move on completely. Out of sight, out of mind.
*I feel old at heart, but I'm only 19. That sounds so young. I'll be 20 in November, but still, I feel way older than that and I look it too. Not in a life-has-worn-me-down sort of way, but I just feel like I don't look like most girls my age. I always thought it was strange how only men (like 24 and up) talk to me, but guys in my age group never did. I'd truly be shocked if a 19 year old ever tried to holla, and I'm not so sure I'd be interested either. I was told it's the way I carry myself. I've also been told that I look intimidating. Whatever the case may be, men gravitate towards me, not boys. I wonder why that is.
*Speaking of my birthday, I'm buying myself a Nano Chromatic. I've been wanting an iPod for a long time, but never had my own money to buy one, so now I'm going to treat myself.
*I feel fat. I want to lose 20lbs this year. I gained the Freshmen 15 and never lost it. This makes me sad.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
My English professor told us on the first day of class that, by the end of the semester, we'd be man-hating Feminazis and I'm starting to think she's right. I'm by no means a man hater, but I'm truly starting to understand the pseudo-feminist views that she has. At first, I began to nod my head in agreement--he was right. We had to stop. But then I thought about it. Why stop? We're both single, consenting adults with needs. Why not make the most of this convenient situation. Maybe it was reading the book that sparked the epiphany in me. I'm a full time student with a bright future ahead of me. My plans for a career as a writer/art historian are panning out beautifully, with many of the recent opportunities that I've had. Though I would love to be in a stable relationship, I simply don't have time for one right now. I'm far from being a workaholic with no time for social ventures, but I do know where my focus is and it's on my career. That said, the most that I can manage right now is an imitation of a relationship. A little "man lovin." PS I hate Blogspot. I've spent the last 20 minutes trying to format this post. I give up.
We just finished reading a book by Fannie Hurst called Imitation of Life. Set in the 1920s, the story is about a business woman who builds an empire by the age of 25, but in her quest for financial success and security, she neglected her personal life. When she finally did attempt to pursue a meaningful relationship with a man, it didn't work out. So what she settled for some "man lovin"--today's equivalent of a boo.
Last night, I didn't go to sleep until 5am and I had to wake up at 8 but, thanks to a very large cup of java, today turned out to be a great one. For once, I wasn't up into the wee hours of the night doing homework. This time, it was a much more recreational pastime that kept me awake. Mr. Cocky and I broke our silence as I knew we would. After couple hours of hanky panky (yes, I am gloating now lol) he said, "Ugh...we really need to stop doing this."
Eventually I said, "No, we shouldn't stop." And it didn't take much to convince him of that.
Ideally, today's modern woman can have it all. Love. Sex. Relationships. Success. But is that really true or are we forced to choose? And if we do choose a our careers over all else and settle for sex without love, is it just an imitation of life?
My English professor told us on the first day of class that, by the end of the semester, we'd be man-hating Feminazis and I'm starting to think she's right. I'm by no means a man hater, but I'm truly starting to understand the pseudo-feminist views that she has.
At first, I began to nod my head in agreement--he was right. We had to stop. But then I thought about it. Why stop? We're both single, consenting adults with needs. Why not make the most of this convenient situation.
Maybe it was reading the book that sparked the epiphany in me. I'm a full time student with a bright future ahead of me. My plans for a career as a writer/art historian are panning out beautifully, with many of the recent opportunities that I've had. Though I would love to be in a stable relationship, I simply don't have time for one right now. I'm far from being a workaholic with no time for social ventures, but I do know where my focus is and it's on my career. That said, the most that I can manage right now is an imitation of a relationship. A little "man lovin."
I hate Blogspot. I've spent the last 20 minutes trying to format this post. I give up.
It's a relief to have this blog as an outlet of expression, and not have to worry about prude broads turning their noses up at what I write. So, I just wanted to thank everyone for not judging me. Thank you for accepting me for my sometimes classy, sometimes raunchy self.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
But alas, I've got some very exciting news--at least for me anyway. I got my first PAYING writing gig! I'm a columnist for a website about entertainment on and off campus. It's my job to write about art exhibits around campus, as well as on a national scale. It hasn't gone live yet, but as soon as it does, I'll put the url up. Yay for me!
Soooo, on to the Honest Blogger award. I was tagged by Jaded--my first tag ever so thanks for making me feel special lol...I titled this post TMI because most likely that's what most of you will be thinking by the time you finish reading it. Don't know why I've been so sex obsessed lately, but just a warning: 50% of the confessions are sexual in nature. Reader discrection is advised.
- I'm afraid of losing someone I love.
- I'm afraid that I'm unlovable.
- I'm afraid of going to Hell.
- I'm afraid of dying alone.
Okay, enough fears...
- I can flex my breasts and my ass. Porno style.
- I made a porno with my Ex
- I've oral and genuinely enjoy it. There, I said it.
- I'm thinking of getting my hmm-hmm pierced.
- I'm a conservative freak meaning, with the right guy, I'm down for pretty much anything.
I've got oodles more but decided to do you all of favor and not get that personal lol.
Tagging: Fluff, Don, Skinny Black Girl, Antithesis, and Dope Fiend.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I'm way behind on my blog rounds. School is kicking my ass right now. I'm starting to feel the weight of 17 credit hours, a job, and an attempted social life. Coffee is my life line, without which, I would crash and burn. But I'm going to do a little catching up this afternoon so bare with me blog family.
I found this new column today, through another blog and I thought it was worth mentioning. Did you know that once upon a time, Lysol was used as a feminine hygene product as well as for pregnancy prevention? Hahaha, neither did I.
Check this out.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
No, ladies and gents. This is not a premature Flick Friday recommendation. This is not a movie review. I did, indeed, manage to lose a guy in 10 days.
For those just tuning in, check out days 1-6 here, here, and here. For everyone else, I'll just pick up where I left off.
Thursday (Day 7)
My last entry was about Mr. Cocky wanting a break. I attempted to stay cool and let it play out, but I ended up sending him a message instead. I can't remember word for word what it said, but in so many words:
"I believe your reason for wanting this break is because you couldn't get your way. Since I wouldn't give you want you wanted, you all of a sudden need 'time to think'...Well, I've been doing some thinking too and think it's best we don't talk anymore."
He immediately called me asking why I sent the message, explaining that it "wasn't like that"...But he still never told me what it was "like".
I didn't let his ambiguity get to me because we had talked a few things through and were on better terms by then. I had made plans with some girlfriends to see A Family That Preys (not Tyler Perry's best, by the way) but Mr. Cocky and I agreed to meet once I got back home that night.
I called Mr. Cocky around 2:15 and he came over. Since I didn't have early classes the next morning, we decided to just kick for a while. But instead, he ended up spending the night and um...
What can I say, my hormones got the best of me. This was by far the sluttiest/cuntiest/hoebaggish move I've ever made, but instead of regretting it, I'm embracing it. I won't disclose any details, however, I will say this:
It was the best sex I've ever had.
Not an exaggeration.
Friday (Day 8)
Saturday (Day 9)
Opps, I did it again.
Sunday (Day 10)
We decided that we seriously needed to talk. We both felt pretty guilty about how quickly we'd moved, especially because there was great chemistry and potential for something longterm. He told me how this was classic behavior for him, only he wished that he hadn't done it with me. He told me that he really did like me, but he knew if we continued talking, we'd just continue having sex. So we both decided some time apart would be best.
WARNING: Only follow these steps, if your intentions are to break up with a guy you're dating. Otherwise, let this be a lesson of what not to do lol.
In all seriousness, I realize I did royally eff this one up. Not so much because I had my first one-week-stand, but because I know it could’ve been something good. It could’ve been something real and I blew it with sex. Damn.
A year ago this would’ve devastated me. A notch on my bedpost that didn’t result in a relationship? OMG!!!! But now, it’s kind of like, oh well. Living a life of regret isn’t one worth living. You just learn from your mistakes and move on.
It still sucks though. I liked Mr. Cocky. He was funny. He was cute. He got my sense of humor, and guys rarely do. We had amazing chemistry, both sexually and mentally....He was the best one-week-stand a girl could ever have.
*Sigh* Oh well. Into the Ex Files he goes.
Monday, September 15, 2008
For now, all I'll say is opps...lol
Originally posted on Funky Brown Chick's blog, here's a clip of a movie now in selected theaters called Diary of a Tired Black Man. Watch and discuss....
Thursday, September 11, 2008
I hope my future employers never see this blog.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I think I'm a relationship leper.
Today Mr. Cocky sent me a text saying "I think we shouldn't see each other for the next couple of days."
Damn. What is it about me that makes guys want to take "breaks" all the time?
I tried to contain my dismay (and I think I did a pretty good job) but I can't help but wonder, what the eff? Things were dandy just last night. He and I had gotten over the whole blog incident mere hours after it happened, so that's not it. In fact, we had a good old fashion make out session last night. He had me walking around today looking like a hooch because I had a hicky on my neck that I didn't know was there. (I hate hickies. Guys leaving them reminds me of a dog peeing on a fire hydrant to mark its territory. Ugh.)
He claims the break is because he wants to avoid "another tempting situation". I never got a chance to write about this past weekend. He and I almost did it. We didn't do it, but it came extremely close. It was one of those "did that count?" situations. Anyway, I was really freaked out about it so I told him we needed to slow things waayyyy down. So, now he says he needs space because spending too much time together makes the temptation harder to resist, which I agree with. But I'm just not sure I believe that's the real reason.
I know that I've had a particulary guarded/bitchy/don't-take-no-shit type of attitude towards him. I guess it's because he's clearly used to getting his way, and I wanted to show him things don't come that easily with me. I think that's the real reason why he wants a break. I know I'm probably being nuerotic and overly sensitive right now, because he probably does only want space because I'm too much of a cock tease. But either way, it still sucks to be dissed.
No worries though. It's a Hairflip.
LOL...Get's me everytime.
Sometimes I can't help but ask myself though, what the hell is wrong with me? I'm such an extremist when it comes to relationships. I either act like a total pushover, catering to my guy's every whim to the point of being a doormat. Or I act like an uncompromising hard ass, in attempt not to be walked all over; I either put up with a guys complete bull shit or I leave him at the slightest sign of a flaw. Why can't I ever find a happy medium?
If you were faced a new prospective relationship, but you were trying to protect yourself from being hurt again, how would you handle it?
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
A little random sex trivia for you...
*About 1% of the adult female population are able to achieve orgasm solely through breast stimulation
Proud to be a member of the few who can;-) lol
*The word avocado comes from the Spanish word aguacate which is derived from the Aztec word ahuacati which means testicle.
Yes, I'd like a Caeser salad with a little testicle on the side, please.
*More Americans lose their virginity in June than in any other month
Must be all those weddings and prom nights.
*Mosquitoes, which mate in the air perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds.
*The Black Widow spider eats her mate during or after sex.
That seriously has to be the coolest thing ever.
*Human testicles can increase in size by 50% when a man is aroused.
Okay now, this I didn't know.
Monday, September 8, 2008
I originally planned on writing about my weekend but something that just recently happened with Mr. Cocky, has steered my thoughts in another direction. I've gotten so tired of bullshit that I think I'm intolerant of the slightest flaw. I need you guys to set me straight if I over reacted.
So, Mr. Cocky and I had our first argument. Leave it to me to fight with a guy I've known less than four days...Anyway, we were chatting online when he asked me what I was doing and I told him I was blogging. He asked to see my blog and this is how the conversation went thereafter:
Cocky (9/8/2008 5:30:18 PM): can i have the url
Bloggal (9/8/2008 5:30:36 PM): sorry. it's a personal blog. i can't tell you.
Cocky(9/8/2008 5:30:56 PM): can i see it please
Bloggal (9/8/2008 5:31:54 PM): maybe if you're in my room sometime. but i can't give you the url cause you'd probably go to it again. and if i know you might be reading, i'll censor myself.
Cocky (9/8/2008 5:32:22 PM): i promise ill go to it just once
Bloggal (9/8/2008 5:34:03 PM): lol i knew that was coming...and no you won't because my blog is about love, sex, dating, and relationships. and if you and i start dating, i'll be writing about you (anonymously of course) lol. so i can't. i can send you samples if you want. but not the web address.
Cocky (9/8/2008 5:34:18 PM): noooooooooooooooo
He then proceeds to type in a million sad faces.
Cocky(9/8/2008 5:38:20 PM): u are seriously mean for this
Bloggal (9/8/2008 5:39:04 PM): no, i'm not mean. i would just feel weird knowing you could possibly be reading my blog.
Cocky (9/8/2008 5:39:22 PM): i seriously dont have time to do that, to read all the time...but u know...whatever. it seriously doesnt matter anymore
Cocky (9/8/2008 5:39:58 PM): and idk if im gonna go to late night anymore
Cocky (9/8/2008 5:40:05 PM): so if i dont call u
Cocky(9/8/2008 5:40:10 PM): dont be surprised
Late Night is a diner on campus that stays open late. We made plans to go together later on tonight.
Bloggal (9/8/2008 5:40:22 PM): you're serious?
Cocky (9/8/2008 5:40:30 PM): ......
Bloggal (9/8/2008 5:40:48 PM): ok, if you're one of those moody boys then let me know now cause i don't deal with that
Cocky(9/8/2008 5:41:08 PM): im not moody
Cocky (9/8/2008 5:41:19 PM): just sometimes shit seriously makes me mad
Bloggal (9/8/2008 5:41:36 PM): that's a problem too
Cocky (9/8/2008 5:41:52 PM): i guess im not ur type then
Insert sad face.
Bloggal (9/8/2008 5:41:55 PM): so you have an attitude because i dont want to let you see my blog?
Cocky (9/8/2008 5:42:36 PM): yea...cuz ur thinkin imma keep going back to look at it...wtf? i just wanna see ur creativity. that's all.
Bloggal (9/8/2008 5:42:45 PM): that's not just it, okay?
Bloggal (9/8/2008 5:43:13 PM): i get weird about anyone reading my writing
Cocky (9/8/2008 5:43:24 PM): ITS A FREAKIN BLOG. THE WHOLE WORLD CAN READ IT
Bloggal (9/8/2008 5:44:18 PM): first of all, chill with the caps. secondly, i don't have to explain myself to you.
Yadayadayada....it goes on.
I know I was a little defensive, but he pissed me off with that attitude. Because you don't get what you want, you sulk? I don't deal with shit.
So, did I overreact? Do I owe him an apology?
Friday, September 5, 2008
In the spirit of my last post, I decided to recommend , Love and Sex, the movie from which the name of this blog was taken.
"Weirdos and creeps are single because they're weird and creepy. But normal people, like us, are single because we're victims of bad timing." ~Love and Sex (2001)
You hear the expression 'timing is everything' all the time. I used to think it was a convenient excuse women used whenever they couldn't get their men to act right.
But now I kind of think it's true. Timing is everything.
Last night I spent time with The White Boy. Speaking of, a nickname change is in order. I usually give them generic aliases until I notice a personality trait--or a part of their anatomy--that stands out. That said, we'll now call White Boy, Mr. Cocky. Mainly, because I quickly came to the realization that he's Arabian, not white lol.
Before you jump to any conclusions, no I didn't sleep with him. But I did happen accidentally-on-purpose say hello to his little friend. And, I must say, the stereotype wasn't true in his case--he's packing. He has to be mixed with something cause that ain't all white blood.
His new nickname doesn't only apply to his nether regions. The boy's got an ego. He knows he's smart, sexy and attractive but not in an unappealing way. He knows when to be cocky and when to be humble. And I make sure to shrink that big head back down to size by reminding him I'm not impressed...Haha, I know how that sounded. But I meant it in the least sexual way possible lol.
Back to the point of this post.
We just chilled. Had a good old time watching Family Guy and then having Disturbia watch us (that movie kind of sucked balls, by the way). There was also a little PG-13 action for a PG-13 movie. Just cuddles and kisses.
Just cuddles and kisses.
I cuddled him. I kissed him. I'm not that cakey-cuddly type of girl (at least I didn't know I was) but it felt so....comfortable. He talked about how much he liked me. And how he wanted to get to know me better. Could you see an us? he asked me. He asked if I wanted to hang out again tonight. And then tomorrow after I got off work. I expected to wake up this morning in WTF regret for attracting yet another stalker type. But instead I woke up all warm and fuzzy inside.
Back in the summer I met a guy, Mr. Big Time. He was sweet. Attractive. Charming. All that good stuff. But when he started spouting words about a 'future' I had to put an end to it. Now, I get a guy doing much of the same thing, and I'm not only open to it, but I want it. Timing, people. It's everything.
Lordy Lordy. This is blasphemy compared to my Let's Just Date/Take It Slow mantra of the summer. But I've been single for a year and a half now. I think I might be ready for a little one-on-one.
Maybe Autumn is to blame.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
It's official. I have a problem. I'm skipping my class lecture to blog right now. That's a no-no. I got so carried away reading blogs and commenting that i missed the bus that would've gotten me there on time. Since I hate being late--and I can just get the lecture notes online--I just decided to skip. Skipping in the second week of the semester isn't a good sign lol.
So, I'm about to do something I don't normally do on here. I'm going to tell you about a guy I just met. I usually don't immediately introduce guys to my blog until I've know them at least a week. That way, if they turn out to be jerks, I wouldn't have wasted my time blogging about them. But this guy...I have to share, just because the circumstances on which we met were that random.
I was extremely distracted yesterday due to the fact that my BFF delivered the news that she's 6 weeks pregnant (gasp). So, all day 'baby, baby, baby' was on my mind (since she's deciding to keep it) and I couldn't focus on anything. At 12am I was Facebooking instead of studying for my exam, when this guy I don't know sends me a message--we'll call him The White Boy lol.
It annoys me to no end when guys simply say "wassup" on Facebook. Like that's really gonna make me want to talk to you.
So, I said "Wassup??? That's the best you've got?"
He then introduced himself, told me his major, what dorm he stayed in, and asked me the same.
Turns out, we stay in the same building, which is an extreme coincidence considering how big my campus is.
We chatted for a while on there until he gave me his number and said we should meet sometime.
I said, "Sure."
He said, "How about right now?"
So, now I'm thinking, I just met this guy. He could be a psycho or something. Plus, I don't have a roommate. Letting him come to my room this late could send the wrong message. AND since I'm so f-ing horny, I don't know what I'm capable of doing....All of this considered, normally I would've said, "Hell no!" But it could've been boredom, sexual frustration, or desperation for male company that made me say, "Okay."
Minutes later, I heard a knock and I stuck a small pair of hair scissors in my back pocket for protection. Just in case.
Long story short, I didn't need them. He proved to be a gentlemen and a real charmer. We didn't have a whole lot in common, but there was tons to say. We talked for over 3 hours about everything under the sun. School, movies, music, art, politics. And none of it was contrived either. None of those, "what do you like to do for fun" first date questions. Just natural, fluid conversation.
Shit like this only happens in movies.
It didn't take as long to discover that we were both very sexual individuals. I know what you're probably thinking--talking about sex with a stranger is a no-no. But it was cool. We talked about turn ons, turn offs, past relationships, etc.
But it was great. I went to bed at 4am and I was sleepy as hell today, but it was pleasant surprise to meet someone so randomly. Plus, this was the first time that a 'first date' didn't conclude with a kiss due to sexual conversation. Score!
Of course, I hit up my trusty astrology chart and it says that Pisces and Scorpio are matches made in heaven, but only time will tell.
So, yeah, I guess that's the gist.
Ugh, this is sickening. I never gush about a guy this soon...But I really sparked with this one. That hasn't happened for a while. So, I'm choosing to be hopeful/optimistic rather than cynical for once. You never know...
Plus, I'm starting to notice that my vibrator is changing colors. Seriously. The paint must be chipping off because it's going from silver to pink...That can't be good.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Anywhoo, time to be frank.
I'm horny. Ohhhh soooo horny. Today I had the whopping realization that it's been 5 months since I last had sex. 5 MONTHS! That's not cool, man.
What's a girl to do? I should of had sex with MK (aka Tony the Tiger) when I had the chance. Even though he was flaky as hell. Now I don't know the next time I'll get laid at all because I'm not dating anyone at school, and I don't intend to start.
1) STDs are the latest fashion accessory here.
2) These boys wouldn't know discrection if it hit them in the face.
So, that leaves my odds of getting laid anytime soon, slim to none *sad face*.
That said, I want to know how you'd handle the situation. If you hadn't had sex in months, and you had the same restrcitions/concerns I have, what would you do?
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Shit, I can't focus. I should be doing Italian homework, but instead I'm blogging. I think I have ADD something serious. But I had to take make a post about something that's been on my mind.
Last Friday started off as a good day. I wore an eye-catching red summer dress, red pumps, and a smile. I walked to the Kissing Jessica Stein soundtrack, starting it at track one ("Put On a Happy Face" by Blossom Dearie). All was well in the world.
And then I saw her. The tiny girl Ex left me for.
Whether she saw me or not is relative. Although, I can't imagine who didn't see me, when I lost composure and dropped my purse on the ground.
Cut to today. Coming out of my Italian class, we crossed paths again. Only, this time she was the one who lost composure. She literally jumped when she saw me, and then tried to play it off lol. I can't make fun though, because I have that same reaction when I unexpectedly see her too. This is the usual exchange whenever we encounter each other which, oddly, is quite frequently. The tension. The awkwardness. The being caught off guard. And then one of us showing our discomfort. Luckily, today it was her.
I can't help but wonder what causes this though. What is it about seeing your ex boyfriends new girlfriend or, your new boyfriend's ex girlfriend, that causes that involuntary shock to the heart? Can't say I didn't relish in the moment of her obvious nervousness. I can't say I didn't smile smugly when she nearly jumped out of her skin because of my presence...But then I thought, why do I need to be so bitchy?
A couple of days ago, a good male friend of mine--we'll call him Butler--said something that I resented at the time. He was visiting me, and as we were leaving my room he told me he saw Ex on my floor. I immediately freaked out and pulled him into the elevator before Ex could see me. When we were safely inside, Butler gave me this awkward look and said, "Wow, you're still not over him after all this time?" To that I said, "Of course I'm over him! I can't believe you said that to me!" and I proceeded to have a bitch-fit explaining my reasons. In response to my rant, the little asshole said, "That's not the reaction of someone who's 'over' somebody."
I didn't let him know it at the time, but I think there's a little truth to what he says. Maybe *gulp* I'm not over him....Yes, I said it. Believe me, I've convinced myself that he is the scum of the earth and that I have no desire to be with his sorry slimey ass, but maybe I did that because I had to. Maybe I chose to hate him rather than love him, since he wouldn't oblige me. What if I'm just in denial about not being in love with him? Believe me, admitting this is the last thing I want to do, but it would only make sense. Why else would I not be able to be friends with him? Why else would I still be physically effected to see them together?
It's the classic question of, why doesn't your heart do what your mind tells it to.
So, if I really do love him deep down, you've got to ask the question, can your subconscious love? Cause I sure as hell don't feel it on the surface.
Studies say it can. However, I choose to stay in denial, if that's what this is, and say it can't. Yes, I'll take the blue pill, thank you very much. I'd rather believe that I really hate his guts than to embrace the "love" that may dwell deep down. It's easier that way.
Monday, September 1, 2008
I feel flaky.
I hate that I can't devote time to this blog like I used to. Especially since my life has gotten that much more interesting since the summer lol. Oh well. I'll just write when I can. And no matter how busy I become and how rarely I write, I'll never terminate or "take a break" from my blog. Can't do it.
Another thing I've been noticing about myself, is that I don't write as much because the content isn't directly related to love, sex, or relationships. A while back, I had made a different blog called Not About Love, that I'd write all my non-romantic musings in. But managing two blogs on the same network is too much of a hassle. So, this is now an all purpose blog. I'll try to stay true to the theme but, THANKFULLY, I have more going on in my life than romantic matters, and I need a place to put them down.
That said, a weekend wrap-up is definitely in order.
Work and Wisdom.
Saturday I started my job at the art gallery. I worked an 8 hour shift on my first day (9-5). Maybe I just have a high tolerance for boredom and staying on my feet, but it wasn't half bad. A 30 minute lunch was provided, as well as two 15 minute breaks. And I got my exercise for the day, by walking up and down the gallery I was assigned to. According to my pedometer, I walked almost 5 miles lol.
The art work was pretty amazing too. There are about 6 galleries in the museum--3 that are permanent, and 3 that house different exhibits. It's a pretty nice to place to be, considering my field of study is Art History. The dosen who works there is pretty much a genius. He answered every question I had about the pieces of work, including their value. Put it like this, ONE painting there is worth 1.5 million dollars...I'm already plotting to steal one.
It probably would've been alot more enjoyable if I hadn't gone to bed 4 hours before I had to wake up for work, on Friday. I was so exhausted. I know, very irresponsible of me to booze the night before my first day of work, but I only had one drink. Plus, it was my first chance to chill with my people since I got back to school.
We went to a local bar where all the white people go. We got in for free, without ID checks, and partied hunky style. While I was there, I ran into a guy I was talking to toward the end of last year, named Wisdom--no, that's not a nickname. I nipped it in the bud because I realized that he was one of those "I like light-skinned chicks, but I'll settle for dark meat/You're pretty for a dark-skinned girl/I'll date a dark-skinned chick but I'd never marry one" type of guys. Why is that the super dark skinned brothers always seem to have that color complex? So sad...But aside from that, he's on the football team and I don't mess with jocks--figuratively or literally--because about half the team has an STD.
Anyway, I worked Sunday afternoon as well, which went much better because I came equipped with coffee and a book.
Shall We Dance?
For a long time now, I've wanted to learn how to ballroom dance. Don't get me wrong--I can get down on the dance floor. But juking has gotten old. So has that Soulja Boy bull shit. I want to broaden my horizons, and learn a more refined dance.
So, last night I went to a dance workshop that was being offered on my campus. It took alot of bravery to go up there by myself, but now I'm really glad I did. They showed us a survey of the dances classes they offer, including the Tango, Foxtrot, ChaCha, and West Coast Swing. They taught us a few moves--which I caught on to surprisingly quickly--and I was sold.
The course is $60 for 10 weeks, which is not chump change for a poor college student, but I think it's still a worthwhile investment. It's something that I can look forward to do--by myself--every week. And if I get get good enough, I'd even be able to go on to competitions and conventions...For right now though, I'll settle for it being something to help keep me in shape.
Oh, there's another Upside: the guys were surprisingly good-looking.
Downside: the guys were unsurprisingly uncoordinated.
Anyway, I'll leave you with a few videos. These are the styles they taught us yesterday.
Happy Labor Day!
West Coast Swing
I'd never seen this style before yesterday, but I loved it.
The first minute and a half is basically a striptease, so if you wanna cut straight to the dancing, feel free to fast forward.
.....Left you wanting more, right? lol
Cha Cha Cha