Monday, September 29, 2008

'To Thine Own Self Be True'

Last night was intense. I do get personal on this blog, but never that personal. I was having one of those low, woe-is-me moments. But, thanks to a new day, a little retail therapy, and your wonderful encouragement, I'm pretty much back to my old self.

This weekend's events got me thinking about the vital questions. You know, the ones that you're never able to answer, so you just tuck them away into the back of your mind. The big question for me is, what do I want out of life at this moment?

I can't quite answer that question. But I know enough about myself to know what I don't want.

After a little reflection on the situation with Mr. Cocky, I realized where I went wrong. It was when he told me that he didn't want a relationship. That this little affair would be going nowhere. He even admitted to me that, he'd continue to talk to other girls, plus more...Though I felt a pang of disappointment when he told me this, I decided to be cool with it. I convinced myself that I didn't want a relationship with him anyway, so it was no big deal.

I'm not saying I do want a relationship because, as I mentioned before, I don't have time for one right now. But at the same time, I do want a little more than a friend with benefits. Yes, I want the sex, however, I want the intimacy too. I wish I was liberated enough to be able to have a carefree attitude towards sex, but I'm not. I do have a problem with a guy sleeping with me and then someone else. I do want enough security to know that I'm the only one he's being intimate with.

I knew all this before I decided to go along with Mr. Cocky's terms. But I ignored what my heart was telling me. I settled.

Mr. Cocky wasn't a bad guy. He told me upfront what he wanted I actually have to give it to him for being honest with me. But he wasn't the right match for me. His agenda was far different from my own, but I molded mine to align with his. If I learned anything from this situation, it's to be true to myself and not change my standards for anyone else.

6 comments:

Jaded said...

It's funny, these are things that we know "be yourself/ never change for anyone" but yet it isn't until we are in a situation where we do the exact opposite and get burned because of it that we finally realize what it means.

ahhhh. life. can't live with out it. :-)

Qucifer said...

EXACTLY that's what I previously meant with having completely different goals that you're aiming for... nothing wrong with coming to terms with that before its too late!

Charles said...

Thats true...so true. Sometimes you're just willing to go along with it because somewhere you think you can change this person's mind so they will care about you and you alone...but you can't change people unless they want to change for themselves. And it sucks thats how it works...but that's how it is unfortunately. I hope things get better for you.

Eb the Celeb said...

its okay to get personal... it gives you a platform to put this into perspective and reflect... which is what you did and came back and posted about today... stay strong missy.. when your heart and mind are at war that is the worst place to be

Skinny Black Girl said...

Well said, girly. You've just learned an important lesson about life. Honestly, the MOST important lesson in life. Know who you are, and be true to that. You'll never go wrong.

Muze said...

AMEN girl.

couldn't have said it better.

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