Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Deny, Deny, Deny!

Shit, I can't focus. I should be doing Italian homework, but instead I'm blogging. I think I have ADD something serious. But I had to take make a post about something that's been on my mind.

Last Friday started off as a good day. I wore an eye-catching red summer dress, red pumps, and a smile. I walked to the Kissing Jessica Stein soundtrack, starting it at track one ("Put On a Happy Face" by Blossom Dearie). All was well in the world.

And then I saw her. The tiny girl Ex left me for.

Whether she saw me or not is relative. Although, I can't imagine who didn't see me, when I lost composure and dropped my purse on the ground.

Cut to today. Coming out of my Italian class, we crossed paths again. Only, this time she was the one who lost composure. She literally jumped when she saw me, and then tried to play it off lol. I can't make fun though, because I have that same reaction when I unexpectedly see her too. This is the usual exchange whenever we encounter each other which, oddly, is quite frequently. The tension. The awkwardness. The being caught off guard. And then one of us showing our discomfort. Luckily, today it was her.

I can't help but wonder what causes this though. What is it about seeing your ex boyfriends new girlfriend or, your new boyfriend's ex girlfriend, that causes that involuntary shock to the heart? Can't say I didn't relish in the moment of her obvious nervousness. I can't say I didn't smile smugly when she nearly jumped out of her skin because of my presence...But then I thought, why do I need to be so bitchy?

A couple of days ago, a good male friend of mine--we'll call him Butler--said something that I resented at the time. He was visiting me, and as we were leaving my room he told me he saw Ex on my floor. I immediately freaked out and pulled him into the elevator before Ex could see me. When we were safely inside, Butler gave me this awkward look and said, "Wow, you're still not over him after all this time?" To that I said, "Of course I'm over him! I can't believe you said that to me!" and I proceeded to have a bitch-fit explaining my reasons. In response to my rant, the little asshole said, "That's not the reaction of someone who's 'over' somebody."

I didn't let him know it at the time, but I think there's a little truth to what he says. Maybe *gulp* I'm not over him....Yes, I said it. Believe me, I've convinced myself that he is the scum of the earth and that I have no desire to be with his sorry slimey ass, but maybe I did that because I had to. Maybe I chose to hate him rather than love him, since he wouldn't oblige me. What if I'm just in denial about not being in love with him? Believe me, admitting this is the last thing I want to do, but it would only make sense. Why else would I not be able to be friends with him? Why else would I still be physically effected to see them together?

It's the classic question of, why doesn't your heart do what your mind tells it to.

So, if I really do love him deep down, you've got to ask the question, can your subconscious love? Cause I sure as hell don't feel it on the surface.

Studies say it can. However, I choose to stay in denial, if that's what this is, and say it can't. Yes, I'll take the blue pill, thank you very much. I'd rather believe that I really hate his guts than to embrace the "love" that may dwell deep down. It's easier that way.

10 comments:

Muze said...

i hear what you're saying.

i think it could be both ways though.

it could be that you are not completely over him. or it could be that you just really, really don't like him.

if someone causes you a lot of pain, it's only natural to feel some kind of ire towards them. i felt that way towards my ex for a LONG time.

then i chose to forgive, and now we talk occasionally about the goings-on in our lives. i would never EVER go back down that road with him again, but i also let go of the anger i had so deeply-rooted against him.

so maybe you just need to forgive.

hope all is well lady.

Bloggal said...

That's a very fresh perspective. I never thought of it that way, but you might be right. I do harbor alot of disdain for him and I've genuinely tried to forgive but it's...difficult. Forgiveness is truly a skill. You think you've mastered it and then something reminds you that you haven't.

Jaimie @ Just Kiss 'N Makeup said...

i am feelin yo blog gurl, ill be checkin on the regular

Bloggal said...

thanks for stoppin by hun <3

antithesis said...

honey, i love you and LOVE your blog. you're my new best friend; call me every 10 minutes! oh and you're on my blog list now...

Bloggal said...

Lol aww, thanks! I've been a lurker on your blog for a while and finally decided to leave a comment yesterday. I'll be adding you to the blogroll soon too:)

Afrobabe said...

yes babes, i have come to realise in relationships we dont voluntarily hate our exes we only do cos we are forced to either out of something he has done or out of the need to survive...

karrie b. said...

thing is, when u truly love someone...like REALLY love them, do u ever really get over them?

i know i havent gotten over mine.

dont be like me and sleep with him, knowing that nothing can come of it but u getting ur own feelings hurt.

k?

good.

-KB

Bloggal said...

@ afro: exactly! you're right on point with that.

@ karrie b: see...yeah. i REPEATEDLY made that mistake for nine months straight. no matter how much the bastard hurt me, i was still drawn to him. i couldn't help myself.

Experience is the best teacher. said...

PLEASE get the phuck out of my head... okay?

I'm sitting here like fighting back tears pissed b/c I aint cried over this fool in a loooooooooonnnnnnngggggg time... Has to be almost a year.

I even had that rationale with myself!

And I came to the conclusion... that I have no conclusion... so what if my hatred is denial? So what if I'm still subconsciously in love with him? Where does that get me? Nowheresville... So... yeah... I think that was the realization that made me decide to seek counseling...

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