Deny, Deny, Deny!

Shit, I can't focus. I should be doing Italian homework, but instead I'm blogging. I think I have ADD something serious. But I had to take make a post about something that's been on my mind.

Last Friday started off as a good day. I wore an eye-catching red summer dress, red pumps, and a smile. I walked to the Kissing Jessica Stein soundtrack, starting it at track one ("Put On a Happy Face" by Blossom Dearie). All was well in the world.

And then I saw her. The tiny girl Ex left me for.

Whether she saw me or not is relative. Although, I can't imagine who didn't see me, when I lost composure and dropped my purse on the ground.

Cut to today. Coming out of my Italian class, we crossed paths again. Only, this time she was the one who lost composure. She literally jumped when she saw me, and then tried to play it off lol. I can't make fun though, because I have that same reaction when I unexpectedly see her too. This is the usual exchange whenever we encounter each other which, oddly, is quite frequently. The tension. The awkwardness. The being caught off guard. And then one of us showing our discomfort. Luckily, today it was her.

I can't help but wonder what causes this though. What is it about seeing your ex boyfriends new girlfriend or, your new boyfriend's ex girlfriend, that causes that involuntary shock to the heart? Can't say I didn't relish in the moment of her obvious nervousness. I can't say I didn't smile smugly when she nearly jumped out of her skin because of my presence...But then I thought, why do I need to be so bitchy?

A couple of days ago, a good male friend of mine--we'll call him Butler--said something that I resented at the time. He was visiting me, and as we were leaving my room he told me he saw Ex on my floor. I immediately freaked out and pulled him into the elevator before Ex could see me. When we were safely inside, Butler gave me this awkward look and said, "Wow, you're still not over him after all this time?" To that I said, "Of course I'm over him! I can't believe you said that to me!" and I proceeded to have a bitch-fit explaining my reasons. In response to my rant, the little asshole said, "That's not the reaction of someone who's 'over' somebody."

I didn't let him know it at the time, but I think there's a little truth to what he says. Maybe *gulp* I'm not over him....Yes, I said it. Believe me, I've convinced myself that he is the scum of the earth and that I have no desire to be with his sorry slimey ass, but maybe I did that because I had to. Maybe I chose to hate him rather than love him, since he wouldn't oblige me. What if I'm just in denial about not being in love with him? Believe me, admitting this is the last thing I want to do, but it would only make sense. Why else would I not be able to be friends with him? Why else would I still be physically effected to see them together?

It's the classic question of, why doesn't your heart do what your mind tells it to.

So, if I really do love him deep down, you've got to ask the question, can your subconscious love? Cause I sure as hell don't feel it on the surface.

Studies say it can. However, I choose to stay in denial, if that's what this is, and say it can't. Yes, I'll take the blue pill, thank you very much. I'd rather believe that I really hate his guts than to embrace the "love" that may dwell deep down. It's easier that way.