Sunday, September 28, 2008

When Will I Be Loved?

It's been a while since an emotional matter has distracted me so much that I can't focus on anything else.

I tried the Hairflip but it didn't work.

Neither did the Don't Give a Fuck Philosophy.

Right now, I'm feeling a little dead inside.

This weekend was a little too much for me. Last night after the situation with Ex, I called Mr. Cocky, for a little comfort. No, not sexual comfort. Just good old fashion cuddle comfort. When he answered his phone, he said he was out.

So, I popped in Sex and the City and tried to comfort myself. But I couldn't. I felt so utterly alone for some reason.

I hoped to wake up to a better day, but not much changed. It was an unusually quiet day in the gallery so I was left to my thoughts for three hours.

I decided to email Ex. And I'd keep it short and simple:

the only thing that i could possibly imagine you being upset about is the fact that you may know that i am involved with someone. what you know, i'm not exactly sure. but i have a hunch about how you know (i think you read my blog, maybe i'm wrong)...but if that really is what it is--and that's ALL it can be--then i think that's kind of messed up. you made your choice. and what was i supposed to do, hope and wait for something to change? come on now...after everything i went through with you last year, you can pull something like this? if i can live with the fact that you're STILL with [...] after all my attempts, then i would've thought you'd be able to accept me with someone else.

but it's whatever. you always said that you hoped we could be cool once i moved on. now that i have, you're giving me this attitude...kinda messed up. but if that's how it's going to be then fine. just remember you made it this way.

Mind you, this message came only after two texts and an attempted phone call. But still, no response.

After I decided not to pursue Ex anymore, I thought about Mr. Cocky....

He told me upfront, after we recognized how fast things were moving, that he didn't want a relationship. He only called me after hours, only for sex. I tried to pretend that I was okay with it because, he might've been using me, but hey, I was using him too. I was beginning to get the vibe that he wasn't that into me, but decided that I could be the 'just sex and nothing more' kind of gal. But then I had to be honest with myself. I've never been that girl. I'm a monogamist. I don't just want sex. I want love. I want to be loved. I settled for this friends with benefits scenario because I felt like that was all I could get. But I want more. I deserve more.

I decided to make an unspoken decision not to talk to him anymore. If he called me late tonight, I'd tell him what was up. If not, it would just end by default. But before I could even set my plan in stone, I ran into Mr. Cocky at LN. He was with a girl. They looked pretty cozy and the chemistry seemed to be there. I lingered a while, chatted with a few friends so I wouldn't be too obvious. When I got the moment to, I made my escape.

I felt kind of numb at first. Like, oh well, another lesson learned. Tried to shrug it off, but I couldn't. My biggest insecurity started to rear it's ugly head....

I always get the "I don't want a relationship" speech from guys. It's an inevitable conversation in every almost-relationship I have. They always tell me that "it's not me" but I can't help but wonder, if it's not me then why can you have a relationship with her? WE sparked too, but you didn't want it with me. Am I not pretty enough? Do you think I'm fat? What is it???

In my Honest Blogger post, I made a the confession that I'm afraid I'm unlovable. Your comments were so sweet, but the fear is more prominent that it was before. It's a difficult thing to admit, but that's what this blog is for...

What is it about me? Why is that all I'm ever good for to guys is sex? Why can't I find anyone who wants the total package? What's wrong with me?


Anonymous said...

honey there is nothing wrong with you and your wants and needs... you are just dealing with guys of a certain age (a certain young callous, grass-is-greener, try to get as many chicks as possible age) and these guys of a certain age have been pretty much conditioned and celebrated to act a certain way towards women and relationships, while we have been conditioned and celebrated to be the whole opposite way (and made to feel very badly , lonely and shitty if we are NOT into that "ideal" and "In love" or "with someone" situation).... BUt that doesn't mean that the problem is YOU!

antithesis said...

it's still not you, boo. males at this age dont know what they want. unfortunately, they dont think very logically and they are passing you up for the "right now" woman. you know what i mean? they arent really thinking long term. this the girl they add to their list of conquests. they think you are one of those and when they realize you arent, they get scared because they are not REALLY ready for something serious. it's nothing wrong with you. i feel your pain and the pain is making u think irrationally but you are PRIZE.

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

nothing - we are all loveable, is this the post u said i inspired?

Jaded said...

Hey girl!
Glad I could be of some assistance. Hope you're feeling better!!!

Muze said...

i totally agree with antithesis.

it's easy to blame ourselves for a man's shortcomings, especially when you are young. you, at 19, are MUCH wiser than your years... but men, men will be JUST catching up to you around age 30 or so. lol.

so take it in stride. it may seem as though you are 'unlovable' in your current state of mind, but it is only because they aren't ready to love.

i tried that 'friends with benefits' thing once too, and i was like silently killing myself inside to even allow myself to settle for pieces of that man.

when it is right, a man will not be able to only settle for your body.. he will also crave your mind and your soul. remember that.

i'd say it's his loss.


(vixenchick) said...

i get that speech from guys too. gurl, love yourself!! fuck a nigga! dudes aint shit these days.

rebecca said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Philly's Andrea said...

Oh girly, wow. How old are you? I went through this stage when I was younger like sixteen, seventeen. Now I have the total opposite...I can't keep them ALL from wanting a damn relationship with me even after I say I'M MARRIED!!

I agree that this is just a phase that you are going through and it’s strictly due to the age group of guys you are dealing with.

Hang in there girl.

And this 2 shall pass.


Anonymous said...

No, girly. You're not unlovable. You're IN COLLEGE.

Let me break down the collegiate relationship game so that it may forever and consistently be broke. It's bullshit.

Those girls walking around campus in a blissful stupor? 8/10, their boyfriends are fucking the girl that sits next to them in English. Real talk.

I know this because I WAS that girl. I saw guys with long-term girlfriends at home come to college and cheat with the excuse "I mean, my girl ain't here." I spent three years in a situation with a guy who was in an on and off relationship with a girl on campus. I would walk right by them sitting together in the cafeteria mere hours after he'd had his face between my legs. The shit was a joke.

College is a unique time in your life where you have the room to learn yourself without the hassle of adult responsibility. Don't let the actions of others (male or female) dictate how you feel about you. Of course, you're lovable. And the more you love yourself, the more you'll realize it.

Related Posts with Thumbnails