Sucks To Be Cupid...

Today when I logged into Facebook, I had two notifications. The first said, "You are missing out on flirts because your date card is incomplete. Click here to complete your date card." The second said, "Here are new men for you to meet on SpeedDate..." and proceeded to list the guys who recently joined. Now, I don't even recall signing up for either of these applications (ahem), but that's beside the point. It's the fact that with all of our new age technology, dating isn't what it used to be.

What ever happened to the days of old fashion courting rituals? A guy would see a girl he liked. He'd catch her eye. They'd do a little long distance flirting. And then he'd approach her. I don't remember the last time I was physically approached by a guy. I'm not talking about a Facebook message or any other type of e-holla. I'm talking face to face. It's been a lonnnnnge time.

About a month ago I went to a lecture on campus called, "It's Not You, It's Me: Reflections on Commitment Phobia in the Late Modern Era," given by the author Eva Illouz. In it she proposed that the reason why dating is so complicated in this day and age is because of the way we go about doing it.

She opened with this analogy. In her home back in Germany, there is a larger Jewel-like supermarket she sometimes goes to. She said that she hates the store though, because it is large and crowded with so many brands of the exact same product, that she can never decide on what to buy. So, she prefers to shop at a quaint, private owned supermarket. Even though the prices are higher, she likes that she doesn't have to spend a year trying to decide what type of butter to buy.

What it ultimately comes down to is options. In this technological age, we have everything at our fingertips, including people. So, Illouz's point was that, because we have so many options of who we want to date with the aid of the Internet, it's harder for us to make any actual commitments. Before the Internet Age, people had to actually get to know each other individually. They had to put time into courting each other. But now, we're picky, impatient, and insatiable. We look through online profiles like we're walking through an aisle at the Walmart Supercenter, reading label after label and moving on to the next until we find the perfect product. We spend hours and hours in the bread aisle looking for the perfect loaf, but we never find it.

The point is, because we're living in this fast paced world of instant gratification and infinite options, old fashion dating rituals are obsolete. First there was dating. Then came speed dating. Then there was the Internet dating. And now there's Internet speed dating??? Have we really gotten that lazy?

Ugh, I hate the Internet. It's numbing and obscuring our humanity.

iHate

Hate (2) Dictionary.com. To dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward.

Hater (1) Urban Dictionary. A person who feels anger and/or jealousy for someone who has succeeded in something they have worked hard for.


Everybody hates at some point in their lives. It's a natural emotion. I've been a hater once or twice, although only a benevolent sort of way (ahem...QQ...yep, still hating :o). No ill feelings or anything. But lately, I've been finding myself doing some real hardcore, megaloathing. What's worse is that I've been DOUBLE hating: being envious of someone who has something I want and abhoring their existence.

Okay, Hate is a strong word. I never use it. Especially not when referring to people. So, I take it back. I don't literally hate anybody. But....

iHate how he treated me.
iHate how I feel right now.
iHate how I felt before.
iHate what I see.
(iHate that I have to semi-censor this)
iHate that I'm the only one affected.
iHate that I know what he thinks I don't.
iHate that I hate.
iHate that I still care.
iHate that he can still make me cry.
iHate that I think about him.
iHate that I can't get away.
iHate that I can't get over it.
iHate that I can't move on.
iHate that I'm so bitter.
iHate that I can't get closure.
iHate that he doesn't care.
iHate that I wasn't enough.
iHate how hard I tried.
iHate that rejected me.
iHate that he lied to me.
iHate that he strung me along.
iHate how much I invested.
iHate how cynical I am now.
iHate how afraid I am of ever loving again.

**UPDATE** iHate that he always happens to check my blog whenever I write something about him. Freakin eerie man! lol.

iHate that I'm still dealing with my past. iHate that it seems like I'll never be able to forget it. iHate that everytime I start to, something or someone remindes me of it.

iHate it.

Hate. Ugh. So unlady like. So very unbecoming of me.

p.s.
I want an iPod. Feel free to buy me one.

Sick Day

Wow, Wednesday already??? Time flies, I tell ya. Sometimes I still accidently write 2007 on my papers and it's nearly 2009. Where's the time going?

Today I decided to slow down a little and take a sick day. It's justified too. I've had this bug since last Friday, but I haven't given myself the time to heal. Though I've doped myself up on cold/flu drugs, I haven't given them time to go into effect. So, I'm using today to catch up on my rest and my work and my blogs...Doesn't sound much like a sick day anymore lol.

Hmmm, today is feeling like a rant day. I rarely do them so here goes.

*I miss my family. This summer, I got super tight with all of them. My parents separated when I was very young, so for a long time it's been me, my mom, and my two sisters--all ladies in the house. In my angsty teenage years, I didn't appreciate their company. But after going away to school and coming home again, I realized how nice it is to have all women in the house because it enables a closer bond. My mom is 43, older sis 21, and younger sis 13. The age difference sounds big, but we were like girlfriends. We had a blast this summer. My mom had gotten laid off from her job at Business Magazine (surprisingly to her delight) and decided to venture and discover herself. After all, the nest is almost empty. Meanwhile, my sisters and I just hung out. Chilled. Got to know each other better. The age gap between my younger sister and I has kept us from getting close. But now that she's 13 and going through all those teenage issues, I can be the big sis I've always wanted:). Anyway, I love my mom and sisters, and I don't know what I'd do without any of them.

*Last night I had what could possibly be the most embarrassing moment in a long time. Mr. Cocky unexpected popped up at my door. When he walked in, he was laughing and out of breath. His face was beat red. "What happened???" I asked. When he finally managed to catch his break he said, laughing, "A girl out there just asked me, 'are yall gon' have sex again tonight'?" LOL. I was mortified. I knew I was getting some funny looks yesterday morning while I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth. Damn that rickety ass bed! My roommate from last year offered to give me her blow up mattress so that nobody would hear us anymore. See, I love my friends. They support me even in my most skanky habits lol.

*My best friend, who I've referred to several times on this blog, is pregnant. She's 19 and she attends the University of Chicago. The girl is smart as hell and has BIG things going for her. She's 10 weeks along and she still "doesn't know what she's going to do". I told her she'd better figure it out soon because the longer she waits, the more of a moral dilemma she'll have. I support her 100% in whatever she chooses to do, but there's just one problem...She just broke up with with father. When I say this guy was an asshole, I'm not just throwing the word around like I usually do. He actually told her that she's annoying, he can't stand to be around her, and ever since she told him she was pregnant, he's "hated her more and more each day." That shit is foul. Especially to hear that when you're pregnant, vulnerable, sensitive, and emotional--he crossed the line. Aside from that, he treated her like shit in every other respect so I think she did the right thing by leaving him.

So, now she's single, pregnant, and lonely. We've been friends since the 4th grade so that basically makes me the baby's daddy. I just feel like a bad friend though because I don't know how to tell her that I literally don't have the time to sit on the phone with her anymore. I know that sounds insensitive, but hear me out. I'm in school now. I can't just talk for hours like I did in the summer. It doesn't help that UofC doesn't start until a month after most other universities. That means, for the past 4 weeks, I've been getting phone calls at the most ungodly and inconvenient hours, trying to be the supportive friend. But...I'm growing a little impatient. And I feel bad for it. Not that I don't want to be there for her, but she calls me 8 times a day (not exaggerating, between classes when she knows I have a 10 minute break and everything) with the same problems. When I try to offer solutions, she never heeds. I feel terrible because I know she's going through something I can't fathom...Ugh, I feel like a bad friend. And I didn't realize that was bothering me as much as it was.

*Have you noticed anything lately? I haven't made a post about Ex in a long time. In fact, I haven't seen him for a long time (except for when he stopped by to visit about a day ago, an incident not even worth elaborating on). When I met Mr. Cocky, it was like Ex fell off the face of the earth, which is truly bizarre because we still live right across the street from each other and I still frequent his building for one reason or another. What's also a coincidence is that I no longer see his girlfriend either. She has a class in the same lecture hall I do, right after me so I used to run into her at least twice a week. But now, no sight of her. I'm not complaining though. It's just weird. Maybe this is just God's way of helping me move on completely. Out of sight, out of mind.

*I feel old at heart, but I'm only 19. That sounds so young. I'll be 20 in November, but still, I feel way older than that and I look it too. Not in a life-has-worn-me-down sort of way, but I just feel like I don't look like most girls my age. I always thought it was strange how only men (like 24 and up) talk to me, but guys in my age group never did. I'd truly be shocked if a 19 year old ever tried to holla, and I'm not so sure I'd be interested either. I was told it's the way I carry myself. I've also been told that I look intimidating. Whatever the case may be, men gravitate towards me, not boys. I wonder why that is.

*Speaking of my birthday, I'm buying myself a Nano Chromatic. I've been wanting an iPod for a long time, but never had my own money to buy one, so now I'm going to treat myself.

*I feel fat. I want to lose 20lbs this year. I gained the Freshmen 15 and never lost it. This makes me sad.

Rant.

You know how you have those slumps in life. The kind where you get into a rut and you can't quite get out of it? I've been in one of those for the past two weeks. It's not quite over yet, but I felt the need to return to my blog. My way of dealing is usually to disappear. And the fact that I'm working now, has given me a more convenient excuse for neglecting my blog. But the longer I stayed away from Love is a Minefield, the more I missed writing. And so I'm back. Issues and all.

What issues, you may wonder. Let's just say that I'm not as strong as I thought I was, when it comes to keeping my Ex out of and away from my life. He and I are on speaking terms now. One thing I've always said was that I considered Ex more than my boyfriend while we were dating. He was my best friend too. And I did hate to see that go. Now that we're more friendly than civil when we speak, I can almost picture him in my life. In the future. Which was NOT in the plans.

I see him in my life as a friend, not a lover. In fact, recent events (which I'm not inclined to divulge at this time) have made me realize that I am not in love with him anymore. The spark just isn't there. And I've realized how much I've changed, how different our values are now, that we're not even as compatible as we once were. Even back then the compatibility is minimal...But the whole point is that I can see him in my future. And I really don't want him there.

It's seems pretty simple, doesn't it? If you don't want him there, don't have him there. But the truth is, he's going to be in my life in some shape or form, for the next three years because we attend the same university. And because the black community at my school is so small, I'll undoubtedly run into him, if not on the street, than at black functions. So, I'd prefer to have a friendly relationship than a hostile one since I'll be seeing him frequently. That's just me--I hate holding grudges. It takes more effort to stay pissed than it does to just forgive.

But I wish that I didn't have to worry about that, in all honesty. I wish this was just a normal breakup. The kind where I wouldn't have to worry about seeing him again, except for the very unlikely encounter on the street. But no. We live so close that seeing each other can't be avoided. Not for the next three years!

This is a rant, obviously. I promise my next post won't be, but this has just been bugging me. I want to move on with my life, without him in it but it just doesn't seem possible. Even if I had gone the entire summer without talking to him, I would have been forced into having some sort of relationship with him once school started in the Fall...

Some relationships are seasonal, some are meant to last for a lifetime. I always thought he was seasonal. That his purpose was to teach me a lesson about love and relationships. But now I wonder if maybe he's supposed to be in my life.

I'm No Expert But...

Just as an experiment, today I typed dating in the Google Image search engine. Here were a few of the results:






Is it just me, or is something missing? Oh, I don't know, maybe something like this?




I know this is nothing new, but I had to mention it. It just saddens me that there is so little representation of black relationships in the media. For pages upon pages, my search for "dating" delivered results of white couples, Asian couples, even interracial couples, but never once did I get a result of a black man and a black woman. Not until I typed in black dating.

Sometimes I think we've come a long way in terms of race in America but, at times like this, I have second thoughts. What ever happen to the days of The Cosby Show, Living Single, and Fresh Prince, when you saw black men and women lovin' on each other instead of fighting with each other? The only contemporary TV show that did a decent job of representing black love in a positive way was Girlfriends, and that got canceled! Now all we've got left is The Game, on which you can expect drama every week. Of course there are exceptions to the white representation of relationships on TV--controversy is what sells, so alot of shows on nowadays feature plot lines where the desperate housewife is having an affair with the plumber. But for the most part, the common perception of white relationships is that they are loving and functional, because that's what we see in Kay Jewelers commercials.

I'm not bashing white love, don't get me wrong. I just feel like black love has a bad rep. Just like in the news, the good is never shown, only the bad. Now, I'm no expert and I'm not the most experienced dater out there--I've only been in two real relationships and did a little casual dating in between--but black relationships are something to be celebrated. When the bond is real and the respect is mutual, they can be some of the deepest, most beautiful unions out there. But, unless you're a member of the black community, you wouldn't really know that.