'To Thine Own Self Be True'

Last night was intense. I do get personal on this blog, but never that personal. I was having one of those low, woe-is-me moments. But, thanks to a new day, a little retail therapy, and your wonderful encouragement, I'm pretty much back to my old self.

This weekend's events got me thinking about the vital questions. You know, the ones that you're never able to answer, so you just tuck them away into the back of your mind. The big question for me is, what do I want out of life at this moment?

I can't quite answer that question. But I know enough about myself to know what I don't want.

After a little reflection on the situation with Mr. Cocky, I realized where I went wrong. It was when he told me that he didn't want a relationship. That this little affair would be going nowhere. He even admitted to me that, he'd continue to talk to other girls, plus more...Though I felt a pang of disappointment when he told me this, I decided to be cool with it. I convinced myself that I didn't want a relationship with him anyway, so it was no big deal.

I'm not saying I do want a relationship because, as I mentioned before, I don't have time for one right now. But at the same time, I do want a little more than a friend with benefits. Yes, I want the sex, however, I want the intimacy too. I wish I was liberated enough to be able to have a carefree attitude towards sex, but I'm not. I do have a problem with a guy sleeping with me and then someone else. I do want enough security to know that I'm the only one he's being intimate with.

I knew all this before I decided to go along with Mr. Cocky's terms. But I ignored what my heart was telling me. I settled.

Mr. Cocky wasn't a bad guy. He told me upfront what he wanted I actually have to give it to him for being honest with me. But he wasn't the right match for me. His agenda was far different from my own, but I molded mine to align with his. If I learned anything from this situation, it's to be true to myself and not change my standards for anyone else.