"We Were On A Break!"

I think we've all seen, if not heard, the infamous episode of Friends where, while Ross and Rachael were on a break, he hooked up with another woman. When they finally got back together, she never let him live it down.





I think it's time I tell you guys with happen between Ex and I. You know, the part that led to our post-relationship drama.

The reason I'm deciding to blog about this now, after over a year of blogging about Ex, is because I'm really starting to question relationship titles lately. Boyfriend, Boo, Beau, Manfriend, Fiance, Friend, F**k Buddies. Relationship, Open Relationship, Marriage...It's all getting a little blurry to me. I guess, since I'm starting to realize how little people seem to honor their relationships with others, I can't help but rethink my old relationships.


We were on our SECOND break. Both were initiated by him. And we all know that a break sucks for the person who didn't want it. I couldn't really blame him for the second one though. I was a Senior in high school and we never got to see each other. I didn't want to ruin his college experience so, I reluctantly agreed.


Where things took a sour turn was that I noticed that he wasn't testing the waters and dating a few different girls. It was one in particular. One girl that he spoke with often, saw often. It began to bother me. I expressed my concern to him, but he wasn't willing to end the break...because he didn't want to hurt her feelings.Stunned and hurt that he would consider this girl's feelings over mine, when we had been dating for a year, I told him that I too would start dating other guys. And it was all downhill from there.


I meant a guy who was in the same boat as me. We found common ground on our detestation of the Break and I guess you could say we comforted each other. Because we shared many of the same interests and tastes, we hit it off really well and really fast. Pretty soon I started developing, what I thought were love-ish feelings for him. But really, just to be honested, I was just desperate as hell. Feeling rejected by the one I really loved, I took comfort in a guy who claimed to care about me. We eventually hook up, and that's where things got messy.


In addition to having a severely guilty conscience, I've always been a TERRIBLE liar. I usually try to refrain from doing things that I'd have to lie about, just to avoid the embarassment of being caught in one. But back then, I wasn't as smart as I am now. So, I hooked up with this guy while Ex and I were on a break. And then I tried to hide it. That lasted for about two days because the sh*t hit the fan pretty quickly. I lied my ass off because I was too afraid to fess up, which only made matters worse. On top of that, by then I was heavily involved with this other guy, whose feelings I didn't want to hurt. But in the end, both guys ended up hurt. Ex VERY quicky rebounded with the girl he'd been getting ultra cozy with while we were dating, and the rest is history.


So, there you have it. My dirt aired out across the blogosphere. Now you see why I felt like I owed Ex something and faught like hell to get him back.


But back to the real point of this story: What's the deal with titles these days? You have married people who swing, or just plain open relationships. You have friends with benefits. And people who are in a relationship both cheat on each other. And you have exs who never really break up. The list is endless.


I don't wanna make you all bias but here's my two cents. While I was definitely wrong for lying, I can't fully feel responsible for the demise of our relationship. WE WERE ON A BREAK! One that I didn't want to be on, to start with. I just went along with it because it felt unfair to see him getting intimate with this chick. And when I say "intimate", I mean that on the emotional level. But more on that later. Anyway, was what I did really any worse than what he did?


With so much boundary crossing these days, what really constitutes cheating? Of course, I was wrong to lie about the things I did, but was I wrong to do them? Did he have a right to be angry? Do you considering hooking up with someone else while on a break cheating? How do YOU define a break?

Infidelity: Emotional vs. Physical

Which do you think is more hurtful?

Life is Short. Have an Affair.

Seriously though? We're really advertising having affairs now? I give up.

p.s.

This commercial isn't banned in all states, as the heading says. I just saw this ad on WE.

Dating 101: The Truth About Why Men Cheat

I always see these little stories featured on Yahoo since it's been my homepage for so long. I never click on them, but this one caught my eye.

Out of 200 men surveyed:

48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.
66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.
77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.
40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.
Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.
Only 6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.

There's a full article, but I'm only posting the statistics because I found them the most interesting. Click here for the entire story.

I'm actually shocked that so many guys feel guilty (66%) during the affair. I'd like to say that I'm surprised that only 12% of the men said their mistresses were more attractive than their wives. But I'm not. Don't know what it is, but alot of times guys seem to downgrade in physical appearance when they cheat. That's what happened to me. WTF's up with that? I'd semi understand if the chick was hotter than me. But when she's got a busted face/body/attitude, I take that shit even more personally lol.

"The Sin of Man Against Woman"

I didn't write yesterday because I was still heated. At times like that, it's usually best to steer clear from my blog to avoid saying something that I'd later regret...like announcing that I'm gay lol. Not true. Only sometimes. Anyway, after a cathartic workout at the gym, I can write again. So, no slander today:).

I'm taking a class called Women Writers in America. The course is taught by an eccentric Jewish woman named, "Most Dangerous Feminist" by the Wall Street Journal. She has a potty mouth, wild curly hair, and claims she merely "tolerates" her husband and twin boys--my kind of lady. I can already tell I'm going to love this class. I need a little institutionalized man-hating in my life.

I just finished our first assigned reading, a short story called Turned by Charlotte Perkins Gilman. It's the story of a wealthy married couple who hires an 18 year old servant girl. She's got the body of a goddess and the face of an angel, but she's extremely naive and childlike. During her time there, the couple grows to love her like their own daughter, and treat her as such. While her husband was away on business, the wife finds out that the servant is pregnant. And who's baby is it? Her husband's. She at once orders the girl to leave, but after much reflection she tells her to stay. She realizes the girl, innocent and inexperienced, was the real victim, and that the husband was the one to be held accountable. The woman moved out, with the servant girl, leaving her husband to return to an empty house. Eventually she sends a letter simply saying, " I have gone. I will care for the girl. Good-bye." The husband decides to look for his wife, and plead her forgiveness. He's sure that he'll accept his indiscretions and take him back. Meanwhile, the wife helps the servant settle with her child on a cottage. When the husband comes looking for his wife, he finds the two women standing side by side, the servant holding her baby. The man stands there looking stupified and the wife says to him, "What have you to say to us?"

You can't help but have a got-his-ass! moment when you finish this story. But, then you're brought back to reality. Could this ever happen in real life?

You never see two women who are victims of infidelity band together. At best, you'll see them attack the man. At worst, you'll see them attack each other. But never do you see them conduct themselves calmly, recognize who's at fault, and leave karma to take care of it. In the story, the wife recognizes it as "the sin of man against woman". Though she is obviously hurt, she sees the bigger picture, which is a girl's naivete having been taken advantage of. Is it possible to be so clear-headed about betrayal that you can make such a distinction?

I think it's fiction for a reason.

Married Men, Fat White Chicks, and Cheaters...Oh My!

It's official. I'm no longer playing for team Hetero.

Why make such a drastic decision, you may wonder. Oh, just the fact that I seem to be a jerk magnet, and every relationship I hear about nowadays begins with the words "he cheated."

Married Man

My BFF, the one who had the boyfriend who wouldn't allow her to have male friends, told me about the latest guy who hit on her.

"He works at my job."

Oh, that's cool.

"He's about 32."

Um...okay.

"He slipped me a note telling me he wanted to get to know me better."

Uhh....

"He said he just got married four days ago."

WTF???

Please, please tell me how rotten a guy you must be, that you hit on your 19 year old co-worker less than a week after you've gotten married?

God, I have no words...

BFF decided to probe Married Man for his motives. I advised her not to because that's just opening a can of worms, but she insisted. So, she texted him and he told her that he thought she was a "sexy young thing" and that he wanted to "see where things could go." Oh yeah, and he wanted to know if she liked back/foot massages, and if he could give her one.

Is it just me, or are guys getting bolder with their inappropriate behavior?

Fat White Chick/Cheater

I met a guy a few days ago that I didn't dare introduce to my blog. He seemed nice but given my recent knowledge of Married Man and his obvious kin to the devil, I was less than enchanted by men. He worked at a restaurant on campus. He was 25 years old (a plus). We talked a while, flirted, laughed. He had a good sense of humor and he was attractive (another plus). He gave me his number and asked me to call him so we could get together sometime (plus, plus). I spotted him on the street a few days later and he gave me the sad "why you no call" face. So, I promised him I would, though I didn't really intend on it.

Last night, I got to thinking about my pattern with guys. I don't ever give the nice ones a chance because I don't feel chemistry with them. I made up my mind to end my pattern and give him a call tonight.

But, before I could, I ran into him today. Funny how I noticed him. I saw him from a distance and thought, what a cute guy. I noticed a fat, ugly white chick holding his hand and thought, why is it that some black guys are so damn determined not to be with black women that they settle for the bottom of the white barrel? A few seconds later and we're face to face. When he realizes who I am, he gives me the "oh shit" face and waves pathetically. I roll my eyes and turn my mp3 player up.

I thought the universe was telling me to call him because he was a "nice guy," but he turned out to be a jerk too. I am now convinced that I attract liars and cradle robbers, and that I can't tell a nice guy from a bad one.

So, now I'm thinking about seeing what the ladies have to offer. Anyone interested? You know how to reach me;-).

I'm No Expert But...

You've been cheated on. It hurt you so bad that you decide to be prepared the next time, and expect the worst from your new boyfriend. But unknowingly, you drive him away because of your constant accusations and suspicions. Or, you decide to walk away from a relationship because it appears that your girlfriend is cheating. The truth is, she's honest and faithful, and you're just paranoid. Or, you're so busy preparing yourself for infidelity of your guy that you don't give him a genuine chance from the get go.

*In corny infomercial voice*
Has this ever happened to YOU?


I'm not too fond of giving out advice on this blog simply for the fact that I'm no professional. But, I do have enough experience to offer a word of wisdom to men and women who haven't made the same mistakes I have made.

I'll spare you all the anecdote and cut right to the chase: when it comes to relationships, do not assume ANYTHING. This could, of course, be broken down into a number of subcategories--do not assume he/she is in love with you, do not assume he/she isn't married, do not assume he/she is straight, etc. But for now, let's just narrow it down to what could possibly be recognized as one of the worst assumptions to make: assuming that he/she will cheat.

Sometimes we think that it's safer to anticipate cheating before it happens, especially those of us who have previously been cheated on. We have our emotional guards up and expect our significant others to be unfaithful, as an alternative to being shocked by the news, should it ever come. It seems like a wise route to take but the truth is, when you assume that your partner is cheating, you risk sabotaging a perfectly healthy relationship.

I'm not saying be naive, but finding middle ground is the name of the game people. Be wise, but don't be cynical. Be cautious, but not paranoid. I know it's easier said than done, but when you're able to find that happy medium--you can be in a relationship, sincerely give it your all, and still walk away unscathed even if you're betrayed. It's all about recognizing the possibility of betrayel, while also realizing that by dating, you're willingly risking your heart; you're prepared for the worst, but you're still willing to take the chance.

So yeah, just a little word of advice. If you keep the risk factor in mind while entering a new relationship post-traumatic break up, you could possibly save that next one.