Late Night Love Rant

Life is good. Really, it is. I'm so grateful for how at peace I am right now. I'm doing incredibly well at staying positive and not letting things get me down. Meditating really helps. I chant, I tell myself good things. Might sound crazy, but it all keeps me centered. With each affirmation and mantra, I feel myself getting stronger. You know there's a 'but' coming though.

I can't help but wonder when my chance at love will come. I knew before, that I wasn't ready. I had alot of learning and growing to do. For one, I had to finally break free from my ex. Secondly, I had to learn how to be alone. And most importanly, I had to learn how to enjoy being alone instead of merely accepting. I've done all of the above. My life has never been more stable, fulfilling, and happy than it is right now. And yet, I still desire to have a man in my life.

Desire would be the operative word. The need is gone now. I can finally say that I'm perfectly happy being single, and actually mean it. But I feel like, I've learned my lessons. After going through so much emotional turmoil with Ex and coming out on top, shouldn't I be rewarded at some point?

I believe that everything happens for a reason. And that there is a plan in store for me. I just can't help but wonder when it'll actually come to fruition. When will I meet that man who'll respect and appreciate me? When will I get my shot at healthy love?

Maybe it's because the bar is set much higher, but I see no potential in anyone. It's not that I'm being close-minded, I just know what not to sacrafice. I know that I'd rather be single than to settle for a guy that I'm not feeling or doesn't treat me the way I demand to be treated, simply because I don't want to be alone. I've matured far past that point. And still, I wonder if maybe my high standards are limiting me.

And then there's my whole old fashioned approach towards dating. I don't like to court the guy, I want him to court me. And you know, it's not even so much about being old fashion as it is about simply wanting to be secure in knowing that the guy I'm talking to is actually into me. I've been that girl who has chased a guy who didn't want her and I refuse to do it again. It's much easier when the guy approaches me. That way I know he's interested, and then I can decide whether or not I'm interested too. But then of course, the feminist in me starts to bitch. Why should I wait for a guy to approach me? Why shouldn't I be the aggressive one? Why not take charge and get what I want, right? Because the hopeless romantic in me wants to be patient and wait for prince charming. But at what point does patience stop being a virtue and start prohibiting you?

A lot of questions....A lot of 'buts'....

The upside is, while all these questions persist, I'm still happy. And I know I've got at least three more months before I'll be bursting with the desire for man loving. In the meantime, until the right one comes along, I'll keep showing myself love. After all, maybe I have a few more lessons to learn. Maybe I'm not as ready for love as I think I am.

Insomniac Blurbs

Tonight I'm feeling random and blurbalicious.

*I loved all of your responses to my last post. How is it that you all always know just what to say? You guys like frickin Hallmark cards and fortune cookies. It was a relief to see that all of the comments were optimistic "don't give up on love" messages. Sometimes it get's so hard out there that it's easy to get cynical an cold. But thank you ladies for reminding me that it still exists:)

*Do you ever have the desire to radically change your appearance? I get that impulse every six months or so. For some reason, I want to go back to school looking totally different. New hair, new wardrobe, maybe a new piercing or tattoo...But I'm kind of broke right now, so I'm going to have to settle for a new hairstyle. Don't laugh at me, alright. I'm going to try and do my own braids for the first time. I've mastered sew-ins but I've never attempted extensions before. I'm doing kinky twists, but not in the traditional way you see them. I'm using a softer textured hair, and they're gonna be longer, thicker, and semi-straight. Kinda like this:



Sidenote: I've been lovin' Kelis lately. I've had Kalidescope, Tasty, and Kelis Was Here in HEAVY rotation for the past week. She's that bitch.

I've been at it since Sunday morning and I'm a little less than halfway done. I'm praying that I'll be finished by Thanksgiving and I won't have to rock a hat or one of those bogus ass pony tails that chicks wear when they're trying to hide an unfinished center. Either way, I promise to post pics of the finished product since you guys didn't get to see my haircut. Even if they turn out wack as hell, I'll post them anyway. But don't be surprised if the flash is off. Just a warning.

*I feel so unloved yall lol. Since coming home on Friday, I haven't had to charge my phone once. You wanna know why? Because I haven't received not one phone call/text since I got home from school, therefore I still have two whole bars left. My last incoming call was on Friday at 3:30pm. I checked my call log and all it said was Mommy, Home, Sister, Best Friend, Mommy, Home, Sister, BF, etc. And now that I am home with my mommy and sister, nobody is calling my ass. Sad.

*I've been on a cell phone plan with my mom since I was in high school. For convenience purposes, I'm still on the plan with her, but I pay my own bill. Anyway, I've never been a big texter, but I just recently decided to get an unlimited texting plan since I've been doing alot of it lately. So, I gave my mom an extra ten bucks in addition to the $50 a month I give her and asked her to add texting to my line. This was sometime in October. Why did this broad just slam me with a $40 bill the other day??? I according to her, she doesn't recall me requesting unlimited, so she only got me 250. And U.S. Cellular charges 25 cents (hey, I just noticed there isn't a "cents" key on the keyboard lol). So, now I'm $40 in the hole. May not sound like much but 40 dollars is A LOT to me (I only get 150 per check--I know, that shit is sad).

So, I will not be texting for a while. At least not from my phone. I'm gonna do it the bootleg (free) way and email peoples phones from my computer. I get free incoming so, yes QQ, you may continue to bless me with the shwingshwong shots...*swoon*

*Is it just me or did the YouTube screens like, double in size?

*This blurb is just for the ladies. All you fellas may want to head over to clnmike's blog right about now because I'm about to dip into "female issues." And if there are any ladies who would prefer not to hear details about conditions pertaining to the bajingo, I'd advice you to skip to the next blurb as well.

Soooo, about a two weeks before school let out, I started feeling like I was developing a yeast infection. I had all the symptoms, and I assumed that's what it was. So I just skipped the examination and asked for a prescription to get rid of it. A week later, all the symptoms were still there. Afraid that it was "something else" I made another doctors appointment. The lady gave me a pap smear and said that everything "looked normal" and I had "nothing to worry about". But she ran tests anyway. Long story short, it turns out that I have Vulvodynia.

Those of you who are familiar with this episode of Sex and the City have heard of this condition. It's basically like a yeast infection but a little harder to get rid of. The symptoms are caused by an imbalance of pH levels in the vagina, and all you have to do to cure it is take antibiotics and antidepressants. Yes my friends, you heard right. My vagina is depressed. Go figure.

I neglected to write this on my blog for two reasons. 1) I wanted to be on the rode to recovery (only 3 more days of antibio-depressants) before I did so, and 2) I new it would probably give a lot of people a case of the ickies. But I thought, what the hell.

*There's a humongous spider on the wall and I know I won't be able to go to sleep while it's still alive.

*This is about to be so random, but here are various Youtube videos I've bookmarked over the past two weeks.



Otters fucking holding hands? Seriously? I nearly died of cuteness overload.





No this bitch did NOT just say "I love you" and then do that beautiful wolfy ass howl. This dog is gorgeous.



I know I'm a fool for this one but it crrrracks me up!

Ummm, I think that's enough randomness for one night. It's 2:09 am. I'm about to try to take my ass to sleep.