Trippin'

Didn't I just tell ya'll I still had issues?

I'm going to tell you guys a little story and I hope someone gets something out of it.

So, I was seeing this guy. He and I had a history that was at best...difficult. We were off and on, on and off for a long time. Finally, we were able to get along and be cool. We were friends. Then his circumstances changed, and suddenly it was okay for us to be more than friends. Only, niether of us were ready to take that definitive step. So, instead we decided to play it cool. Go with the flow. Just enjoy what we had without attempting to define it.

All was well until I started to get paranoid. I started thinking ahead and thinking behind. What if this happens? I can't forget when THAT happened. I'd freak out and tell him that I didn't think we should see each other anymore...and a day later I'd realize that I was TRIPPIN'.

We'd discuss what made me trip, and he agreed to make an effort to make me feel more secure about our 'relationship'. All is well and then a week later I get paranoid again. Only, for a different reason. I bring it to his attention and tell him, I'm not sure we're on the same page here. I mean, I can be okay with this kind of relationship but I can't be forever. TRIPPIN'.

He acknowledges my concerns and agrees to put forth even more effort to keep me comfortable. Two weeks go by without incident. Until one weekendm he has a ton of homework to do. He informs me that he'd be busy with a project for most of the weekend. He's lying...He's not doing homework. He's out romancing some other chick. I resolve that I can't trust him, I am completely unable to handle our relationship and that I don't think we should see each other anymore.

It doesn't take me very long to realize I was, what? TRIPPIN'.

I tried to fix it, but this time he wasn't going. You say you won't trip again, but how do I know that's true? ANYTHING can set you off. I don't know what to expect from you. He decided that it would be best for us to not continue our pseudo-relationship.

There's only so much a guy can take. I don't blame him for being tired of my insecurities even though he was the cause of most of them. The fact is, he was doing right by me, and I couldn't let go of my issues. Every time I thought of the past, I freaked out. And I verbalized my freak out. I invented scenarios that didn't exist, and even when he tried to reassure me, I found new reasons to freak out. As it turned out, I couldn't handle a pseudo-relationship with someone who hurt me in the past.

The moral of this story is this: If you decide your going to be in a relationship or whatever you wanna call it, with someone you've been through it with, realize its ramifications. If you're not willing to let go of your issues and insecurities, you're not ready to be in it. And if you decide to be in it, you have to be ready to roll with the punches. Especially when they are invisible ones. Let that marinate.

Updates...

What's new blog fam?

Last week was a very interesting for me. I was insanely busy, but it wasn't just because of school work. This semester, I've made it my mission to stay involved and take advantage of the educational and social activities my campus has to offer. And there are quite a few. On Wednesday, I attended a lecture by the lovely Marlee Matlin. You might know her best as the deaf dancer on Dancing with the Stars or as Jennifer Beal's love interest on The L Word.



She was plugging her memoir, I'll Scream Later, a book about her rise to fame, despite her deafness. I bought the book and actually got to meet her when she autographed it. I'd post pictures of the event but Blogger always screws me over when I try to...

Friday was pretty eventful as well. I already kind of told you guys about the exhibit I'm co-curating right? Well, if I didn't, I PROMISE to devote an entire post to it in the near future. I don't want to simply summarize it in a few sentences because it's a project that I'm really invested in. Anyway, on Friday my collegues and I had a round table discussion with community artists, museum curators, professors, and community leaders to discuss the way we wanted to execute the exhibit. We're teaming up with other organizations in the area to be apart of the 150th anniversary of the town (sorry for being so cryptic, but I'm not quite sure that giving away the name of my school and town is the best idea right now). It was an awesome networking opportunity, and my contributions definitely put me on the map with the curators at the museum I work at. Suddenly I went from just a student security guard to scholar in their eyes, and they recognize me as such.

After attending the panel discussion, a friend and I went to see a performance at the theater. Aftwards, we hit up a friends birthday party, and bar hopped for the rest of the night.

I had a good time. I'm trying to come out of my shell a bit and be more involved on my campus. Who knew that if I wasn't so antisocial, I'd start meeting people...Hehe.

p.s.

I have a date Wednesday. I hope it goes well...

RE: Titles and Labels

Hey there people.

This morning I received an email about my previous post. I appreciate the gesture of sending this private message, but it brings up a topic that I'd like to address publicly:


Hey there Sydney! It’s been a while right?! Anywhoo, I just have a quick question that I wanted to ask you that I didn’t want to ask in your comment section because I felt it was better suited as an email.

Okay, so in your post you said:

A piece of paper saying that two people are united in holy matrimony doesn't mean a thing.

Do you mind if I ask how do you feel about gay marriage rights? Because there are sooooooo many people who are trying to prove the exact opposite of what you are saying . I used to be like: It’s just a piece of paper and as long as Gays & Lesbians are afforded the same rights (through things like civil unions guarantying benefit,tax breaks etc) as hetero folks who cares? It wasn’t until I started law school and kind of started paying attention that I realized that it goes beyond that. And, all things being equal, a piece of paper saying that two people are united in holy matrimony means everything.

I just want to be clear on something. It wasn't my intention to offend any of my readers who are a) very happily married or b) a member of the LGBT community. Please understand that my comments were not intended to belittle the sanctity of marriage as an institution. I know that there is SO much more to marriage than fidelity and, as I said in my post, there's no way I could possibly address every combination of a relationship. My focus was only on the issue of honor within a marriage, or relationship for that matter. Everything outside of that, I won't attempt to speak on because I couldn't do the issue justic. That said, I'd like to reiterate something I probably didn't make entirely clear in my post. I was in no way suggesting that marriage itself is meaningless (I can understand how my statement about "a piece of paper saying two people are united in holy matrimony not meaning a thing" could be misconstrued as such). Though I have never bared witness to a successful, honest marriage, I do believe that when two people are fully commited to each other, it can be a beautiful thing. I was speaking ONLY in regards to fidelity. In this context, certainly the marriage title doesn't stop a person from being unfaithful. I think we can all agree on that. That was my only argument.

What I want you guys to realize is that I'm writing from my personal experiences and perspective. I come from single parent home; my parents divorced because of my father's infidelity (he cheated on my mother with six different women; the result was six half-siblings). What my father did to my mother is the epitome of everything I fear. They were, to her knowledge, happily married for 10 years. But then she found out that he was cheating on her the entire time. So you see, based on my own personal experiences with relationships (having been cheated on and cheated with) and the example of my parents', I am just a smidge disenchanted with marriage at this point in my life.

Mr. Right Now.

What's up blog fam?

Homecoming weekend was an absolute bust lol. I didn't go to a single party. For once, I actually attempted to get into party mode but it just wasn't meant to be apparently. Oh well, we'll see if I'll have better luck on Halloween. Experience--sorry I didn't run into you girly. Let me know when/if you'll be in town again so we can make plans :).

So, last Thursday I set this status on Facebook:

I'm never getting married.

There was nothing in particular that made me write it. Wasn't like I'd got into some huge fight with a dude and was in the mood to swear off men. It was just a thought. I didn't expect it to but the status received three comments almost immediately. One person, the lovely JessicaRae, agreed with me. The second comment was from a family friend: "Do you still plan on having children?" And the third comment was from my grandmother (yes, my grandma is on Facebook): "Don't say that. How else will I have beautiful grandchildren?"

My immediate reaction was to reply to both the family friend and my grandma: "Oh yes! How could I forget? The only way I could possibly have kids is if I got married first. Thanks for the the reminder!" Buuuuut, I didn't want my grandma to know how trifiling I was, so instead I just blocked her from my statuses.

The truth is, I can't say I'll never get married. Because, who knows, someone honorable may be able to convince me that it's a worthwhile institution. But currently, my faith in marriage, and titles in general, is kind of weak. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that relationships, monogamy, and marriages are obsolete. I just think that labels are.

Lately I've just started to recognize how much relationships, and what defines them, are changing at a rapid pace. You have people like David Letterman and Joy Behar, who have been with their significant others for over 10+, but aren't married; people who have been married for less than a year cheating on each other; sex without relationship titles; titles without sex; friends with benefits...I can't even begin to list every variation of a relationship. The point is, labels don't matter. A piece of paper saying that two people are united in holy matrimony doesn't mean a thing. If a man/woman wants to stray, they will. Period.

So, where does this leave us? Fearful, right? Terrified at the prospect of trusting anyone, even on a mere boyfriend/girlfriend level. Because, if marriage isn't going to keep someone from steppin out, what the hell is a 'relationship' title going to do?

This was how I felt at least. And the way I chose to deal with it for a very long while was to just be single and selective. Don't settle for anything or anyone. If he's not showing any indication that he's decent and willing to commit, he wasn't worth a milisecond of my time. I quickly saw how ineffective that approach was.

Robin aka Skinny Black Girl, is infamous for her opposition to the whole date-to-marry approach to relationships. She frequently blogged about how it irritated her the way some women would only date guys if they seemed like marriage material. Well, I was guilty of that. Only, I didn't date anyone, because NOBODY seemed like marriage material (lol). Now, fellas, I'm not trying to insult you. But it's becoming increasingly clear to me that if I continue to wait around for The One, my crotch will surely start accumulating cobwebs. So, I decided, since relationships were changing and men weren't, that I needed to change.

I have to make an important point here. When I say that I changed, I mean my attitude and approach towards dating. In the past, I was title/label obsessed. If we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend, what the hell were we? Friends? Oh no. I didn't do boy friends. The way I changed was that I tried to just chill out on my reasons for dating. Once I realized that I'm in no rush to marry anybody (and no, this didn't just happen when I set that status the other day lol) I was able to just approach dating in a casual way. It's not about finding The One. It's about having fun, meeting new people, finding out what you like and dislike. And somewhere within that process, you may just get lucky and find someone you can see yourself with in the big picture.

Of course this approach doesn't eliminate the fear of getting hurt, which is certainly a legitimate concern. I've grappled with this very real fear for over a month now in regards to the person I'm involved with. On more than three occasions, I freaked out and told this guy that I didn't want to see him anymore because I was afraid of what might happen down the line. I've been through enough pain and bullshit to last a lifetime and I'm in no rush to experience any of it again. But I just had to realize that walking away from something that you enjoy in the moment, out of fear of the future, is a cowardly way to live. You have the choice oftaki ng a risk and possibly experiencing something wonderful, or protecting yourself but constantly wondering 'what it'? Sometimes you have to just take the chance of getting hurt.

Up until this month, I hadn't gone on a date in over in 8 months because I hadn't deemed any guy good enough for even that much. Do I have to remind you all of Mr. Womp? After that date, I was dead set on being single until I was sure a guy was worth of my time. The problem is, you can't figure that out unless you date. It's sort of a Catch 22. Mr. Womp could've turned out to be a great friend but I'll never know because I judged him on one bad date.

So, I'm not suggesting that you abandon your values and lower your standards to find a dude. I'm just saying, if you've been single longer than you'd prefer, consider reevaluating your approach. If you're like I was, waiting for Mr. Right to come around, you just might be waiting forever. Even if he isn't somoeone you can see yourself with long term (or maybe you can, but he's one of those comittophobes who's allergic to the word 'relationship' *ahem*) don't rule him out. He just might be good enough to be your Mr. Right Now.

Okay, okay...so I've been a little evasive on this blog lately. Well, really, for the past few months. Because some of the people I blogged about were actually reading my blog, I pretty much put a stop to venting about my personal life. I hurt more than one person with my harsh words and I just got tired of the whole bitchy blurby thing I had going on. I know it's my blog, and I can bitch if I want to. But I was getting tired of myself. Not only that but, I'll be honest, I was starting to feel a little judged about the things I wrote. Maybe it was more of me judging myself, than feeling judged by my readers, but I just hated how I always seemed to be eating my words. I'd make a decision and be fully committed to it, and then I'd backslide and feel like a complete idiot when I'd have to reveal it. So, I just stopped getting personal.

I quickly realized that a byproduct of my keeping a low blog-profile was that I wrote a lot less. And I can't say that was a bad thing. I've always been the type of person who has to talk about things. And if I couldn't talk, I'd write. The ultimate purpose was to get feedback. But I started becoming so dependent on the opinions of others, that I didn't know what I believed anymore. So, I stopped blogging about the personal issues and decided to be introspective. And actually, this went beyond blogworld. I stopped talking about my woes to my family and friends as well. It may not seem like the best idea to keep things bottled up inside, but for someone who has a classic case of PutItAllOutThere-itis, it worked. I learned to work through my problems myself. I learned to recognize my voice. And to not let it weaken when someone else's was thrown into the mix. I learned to be patient with myself and not expect to have everything figured out. It's okay to not always know what to do. But most importantly, I learned how to answer to myself. To be accountable, not to a blog community, but to myself. I made decisions and saw them through because at the end of the day, when everyone else is gone, I still have to look in the mirror.

All that said, as it turns out, what kept this blog alive were my issues. My drama. My confusion. My musings. And, while I've made tremondous improvements in my life, I'm FAR from fulfilled. I've never been the kind of this is what i did today type of blogger. So, the kind of blogging I've been doing lately leaves a little something to be desired...For me at least. I like to write about what's going on in my head. And in my heart. When I stopped doing that, and started making all these superficial updates on the mundane happenings of my life, I quickly lost interest. So, I can't blame those of you who have too.

I've made a resolution to myself. To not restrict what I write for anyone anymore. Now that I've found the medium between privacy and honesty, Ican finally handle blogging about my personal life again. But we all know blogworld isn't as anonymous as it used to be. So, while I'll definitely be real, I'm not going to put out all my business. Some things should stay sacred.

But I'm short on time and high on homework so I can't write about what's on my mind at the moment. I'm just making this post to let my readers know that you won't just be receiving the superficial life updates from me. If I'm going to blog, I'd rather it be the truth. And the truth is, it's not ALWAYS sunny in my world. Though I've found my focus, love is still confusing, life is still scary, and sex is still awesome lol. So, instead of sugarcoating and avoiding certain topics so I won't offend anyone, from now on, I just wanna be real.

Ignorance Is Bliss.

You guys will have to pardon me. It's 9am, exactly an hour before my first class, but I still had to blog really quick. I'm taking this art history course, African Art & Society, and it was far from what I expected. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE this class, and my professor. But the subject matter...whoo...It makes me want to start a riot.

I'm too short on time to go into detail here but, trust, you'll be hearing more about this in the future. I know it's not anything new for African Americans to take AFRO courses in college and become all militant and crap. In the grand scheme of things, a lot of the social unjustices and oppression is VERY recent, and understandably, I think, strikes a nerve. That said, I can hardly contain myself in this class, which focuses on the CURRENT injustices and oppression in Blacks in Africa, not America. Though this class focuses on art of the conitinent, my (white) professor, whom I'm pretty sure is anti-Western, makes a point to acknowledge the cultural ignorance involved in the perception of African art.

Y'all might be wondering why I'm even blogging about this at 9 in the morning. It's because I just had my coffee with a side of 'primitivsm' and 'fetishism' of the African female. I'm gonna have a mouthful to say in lecture today.

I hate what I know now because it means that I'll have to go and change the world all by myself. Dammit.

Buuut I'd better start getting dressed. I may be back later to elaborate on this post.

Til then, todaloo!

Happy Autumn!

What's happening people?

Just wanted to thank those who welcomed me back as well as sending their condolences for the loss of my classmate. Last week was a little rough and, although I wanted to update, I didn't really have the time to...Okay, I'm lying. I was just being lazy. It was cold and rainy outside, and all I wanted to do after class was dive into my blankets and catch up on my DVR. Yeah, I see a great relationship forming between us. After a long day of class and work, it feels oh so good to come home to Oprah, The View, and Jeopardy. I know, I'm a loser.

This is the week I'll be swamped. Tomorrow I have four mini-papers due, that I have yet to start on, and the rest of the week will be spent at the library doing research for an exhibit I'm helping curate. Oh, did I forget to tell you guys that I'm doing an internship? I'll fill you in on that later.

But for now, I just want to share some photos with you all. I went home this past weekend for an annual family outing. I went to an apple orchard with my grandma, mom, sisters, and family friends.

I took about 150 pictures but I know y'all don't wanna see all that lol. Anyway, I had a great time with my family. We're trying to make it a regular thing to have a family outing for each season. This one was a perfect segue into Autumn. Good times.

I also received some fabulous news last week....

I was accepted into the Study Abroad program and I'm going to Paris this Winter!

I'm sooooo excited!!! I couldn't believe that I was actually accepted, given how competitive the program is (only 30 students admitted) and the fact that my Spring semester was far from impressive. After my severe bout with Depression, my transcript wasn't looking so hot. I had a D- in one class and all B's in the rest. Not to mention the fact that I had a 'W' in the class I withdrew from. Given all that, I was sure that they wouldn't pick me. But I guess my essay is what did it. I told them what I had been through and practically begged them to look past my academic record, and consider the fact that I this was something I seriously wanted to be a part of.

The past few months have been simply amazing for me. Getting back my financial aid, getting my own apartment, an internship, acing ALL of my classes, and now this. I can't believe how much things have turned around for me. It's incredible what a little optimism and persistence can get you. I'll never say "I can't" again.

Hope you all are having a great week! I'll try to update again before the weekend, which is Homecoming Weekend. Whoop Whoop! lol.

xo,

bloggal