'To Thine Own Self Be True'

Last night was intense. I do get personal on this blog, but never that personal. I was having one of those low, woe-is-me moments. But, thanks to a new day, a little retail therapy, and your wonderful encouragement, I'm pretty much back to my old self.

This weekend's events got me thinking about the vital questions. You know, the ones that you're never able to answer, so you just tuck them away into the back of your mind. The big question for me is, what do I want out of life at this moment?

I can't quite answer that question. But I know enough about myself to know what I don't want.

After a little reflection on the situation with Mr. Cocky, I realized where I went wrong. It was when he told me that he didn't want a relationship. That this little affair would be going nowhere. He even admitted to me that, he'd continue to talk to other girls, plus more...Though I felt a pang of disappointment when he told me this, I decided to be cool with it. I convinced myself that I didn't want a relationship with him anyway, so it was no big deal.

I'm not saying I do want a relationship because, as I mentioned before, I don't have time for one right now. But at the same time, I do want a little more than a friend with benefits. Yes, I want the sex, however, I want the intimacy too. I wish I was liberated enough to be able to have a carefree attitude towards sex, but I'm not. I do have a problem with a guy sleeping with me and then someone else. I do want enough security to know that I'm the only one he's being intimate with.

I knew all this before I decided to go along with Mr. Cocky's terms. But I ignored what my heart was telling me. I settled.

Mr. Cocky wasn't a bad guy. He told me upfront what he wanted I actually have to give it to him for being honest with me. But he wasn't the right match for me. His agenda was far different from my own, but I molded mine to align with his. If I learned anything from this situation, it's to be true to myself and not change my standards for anyone else.

When Will I Be Loved?

It's been a while since an emotional matter has distracted me so much that I can't focus on anything else.

I tried the Hairflip but it didn't work.

Neither did the Don't Give a Fuck Philosophy.

Right now, I'm feeling a little dead inside.

This weekend was a little too much for me. Last night after the situation with Ex, I called Mr. Cocky, for a little comfort. No, not sexual comfort. Just good old fashion cuddle comfort. When he answered his phone, he said he was out.

So, I popped in Sex and the City and tried to comfort myself. But I couldn't. I felt so utterly alone for some reason.

I hoped to wake up to a better day, but not much changed. It was an unusually quiet day in the gallery so I was left to my thoughts for three hours.

I decided to email Ex. And I'd keep it short and simple:

the only thing that i could possibly imagine you being upset about is the fact that you may know that i am involved with someone. what you know, i'm not exactly sure. but i have a hunch about how you know (i think you read my blog, maybe i'm wrong)...but if that really is what it is--and that's ALL it can be--then i think that's kind of messed up. you made your choice. and what was i supposed to do, hope and wait for something to change? come on now...after everything i went through with you last year, you can pull something like this? if i can live with the fact that you're STILL with [...] after all my attempts, then i would've thought you'd be able to accept me with someone else.

but it's whatever. you always said that you hoped we could be cool once i moved on. now that i have, you're giving me this attitude...kinda messed up. but if that's how it's going to be then fine. just remember you made it this way.

Mind you, this message came only after two texts and an attempted phone call. But still, no response.

After I decided not to pursue Ex anymore, I thought about Mr. Cocky....

He told me upfront, after we recognized how fast things were moving, that he didn't want a relationship. He only called me after hours, only for sex. I tried to pretend that I was okay with it because, he might've been using me, but hey, I was using him too. I was beginning to get the vibe that he wasn't that into me, but decided that I could be the 'just sex and nothing more' kind of gal. But then I had to be honest with myself. I've never been that girl. I'm a monogamist. I don't just want sex. I want love. I want to be loved. I settled for this friends with benefits scenario because I felt like that was all I could get. But I want more. I deserve more.

I decided to make an unspoken decision not to talk to him anymore. If he called me late tonight, I'd tell him what was up. If not, it would just end by default. But before I could even set my plan in stone, I ran into Mr. Cocky at LN. He was with a girl. They looked pretty cozy and the chemistry seemed to be there. I lingered a while, chatted with a few friends so I wouldn't be too obvious. When I got the moment to, I made my escape.

I felt kind of numb at first. Like, oh well, another lesson learned. Tried to shrug it off, but I couldn't. My biggest insecurity started to rear it's ugly head....

I always get the "I don't want a relationship" speech from guys. It's an inevitable conversation in every almost-relationship I have. They always tell me that "it's not me" but I can't help but wonder, if it's not me then why can you have a relationship with her? WE sparked too, but you didn't want it with me. Am I not pretty enough? Do you think I'm fat? What is it???

In my Honest Blogger post, I made a the confession that I'm afraid I'm unlovable. Your comments were so sweet, but the fear is more prominent that it was before. It's a difficult thing to admit, but that's what this blog is for...

What is it about me? Why is that all I'm ever good for to guys is sex? Why can't I find anyone who wants the total package? What's wrong with me?

Damn, Damn, DAMN!

I think Ex read my blog.

Remember when I mentioned that he stopped by my room the other day, but said it wasn't worth elaborating on? Well, maybe I it was.

It was a completely random and unexpected visit so when he knocked on my door, I was in the process of blogging. I yelled, "Come in!" because I figured it was just a floor mate or someone. Once he walked in, I tried to minimize my blog but before I could, he caught sight of it. So, he of course, wanted to read it. I didn't mind showing him the latest entry that I'd made because, for once, it wasn't about him. But I realized that I had recently made a few posts about Mr. Cocky, and I didn't want him to see them, so I kind of made a fuss about him not scrolling down. Anyway, he eventually gave up and we chatted a while longer before he left.

That was Monday. Tonight I ran into him and he seemed kind of weird. Though he was on the phone, he barely made eye contact or even said hello. So, once I made it back to my room, I gave him a call but he didn't answer. About ten minutes later, he calls back and greets me in the coldest tone. I asked if everything was okay, and he insisted that it was, but I could tell it wasn't. After a while, he admitted that something was bothering him, but said it was 'no biggie'. At first I thought it was a fight with his girlfriend, but it turned out that it was something about me. After nearly 15 minutes of trying to get it out of him, he got off the phone with me because he was on his way to his girlfriend's house.

Okay, he definitely knows about Mr. Cocky, was my initial thought. But how? I started to wrack my brain for possible explanations. Is Cocky going around bragging to his friends? Did that nosey girl on my floor turn out to be a friend of Ex, and she told him that she heard me getting freaky at 5 in the morning?

And then it hit me. Gasp...My blog!!!

Thinking back on the moment when Ex was fighting to read my blog, I realized that, for a good 10 minutes the URL was in plain view. He could've easily seen it, took a mental note, and visited it later..It may sound a bit nuerotic and far fetched, but I don't know what else to think.

Ugh, I'd be mortified if he read my blog. If he's reading it right now....I hate that I still care what he thinks of me. And I hate that he can still get to me like this. Only him...

I'm so used to being persistent when he does the whole tight lipped routine, but I'm wondering if I should just leave it be this time. If he knows, he knows. If he thinks I'm a slut for it, then so be it. I guess I feel the need to explain my actions to him for some reason. But I know I don't owe him an explanation.

Remind me I don't owe him an explanation...

Sick Day

Wow, Wednesday already??? Time flies, I tell ya. Sometimes I still accidently write 2007 on my papers and it's nearly 2009. Where's the time going?

Today I decided to slow down a little and take a sick day. It's justified too. I've had this bug since last Friday, but I haven't given myself the time to heal. Though I've doped myself up on cold/flu drugs, I haven't given them time to go into effect. So, I'm using today to catch up on my rest and my work and my blogs...Doesn't sound much like a sick day anymore lol.

Hmmm, today is feeling like a rant day. I rarely do them so here goes.

*I miss my family. This summer, I got super tight with all of them. My parents separated when I was very young, so for a long time it's been me, my mom, and my two sisters--all ladies in the house. In my angsty teenage years, I didn't appreciate their company. But after going away to school and coming home again, I realized how nice it is to have all women in the house because it enables a closer bond. My mom is 43, older sis 21, and younger sis 13. The age difference sounds big, but we were like girlfriends. We had a blast this summer. My mom had gotten laid off from her job at Business Magazine (surprisingly to her delight) and decided to venture and discover herself. After all, the nest is almost empty. Meanwhile, my sisters and I just hung out. Chilled. Got to know each other better. The age gap between my younger sister and I has kept us from getting close. But now that she's 13 and going through all those teenage issues, I can be the big sis I've always wanted:). Anyway, I love my mom and sisters, and I don't know what I'd do without any of them.

*Last night I had what could possibly be the most embarrassing moment in a long time. Mr. Cocky unexpected popped up at my door. When he walked in, he was laughing and out of breath. His face was beat red. "What happened???" I asked. When he finally managed to catch his break he said, laughing, "A girl out there just asked me, 'are yall gon' have sex again tonight'?" LOL. I was mortified. I knew I was getting some funny looks yesterday morning while I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth. Damn that rickety ass bed! My roommate from last year offered to give me her blow up mattress so that nobody would hear us anymore. See, I love my friends. They support me even in my most skanky habits lol.

*My best friend, who I've referred to several times on this blog, is pregnant. She's 19 and she attends the University of Chicago. The girl is smart as hell and has BIG things going for her. She's 10 weeks along and she still "doesn't know what she's going to do". I told her she'd better figure it out soon because the longer she waits, the more of a moral dilemma she'll have. I support her 100% in whatever she chooses to do, but there's just one problem...She just broke up with with father. When I say this guy was an asshole, I'm not just throwing the word around like I usually do. He actually told her that she's annoying, he can't stand to be around her, and ever since she told him she was pregnant, he's "hated her more and more each day." That shit is foul. Especially to hear that when you're pregnant, vulnerable, sensitive, and emotional--he crossed the line. Aside from that, he treated her like shit in every other respect so I think she did the right thing by leaving him.

So, now she's single, pregnant, and lonely. We've been friends since the 4th grade so that basically makes me the baby's daddy. I just feel like a bad friend though because I don't know how to tell her that I literally don't have the time to sit on the phone with her anymore. I know that sounds insensitive, but hear me out. I'm in school now. I can't just talk for hours like I did in the summer. It doesn't help that UofC doesn't start until a month after most other universities. That means, for the past 4 weeks, I've been getting phone calls at the most ungodly and inconvenient hours, trying to be the supportive friend. But...I'm growing a little impatient. And I feel bad for it. Not that I don't want to be there for her, but she calls me 8 times a day (not exaggerating, between classes when she knows I have a 10 minute break and everything) with the same problems. When I try to offer solutions, she never heeds. I feel terrible because I know she's going through something I can't fathom...Ugh, I feel like a bad friend. And I didn't realize that was bothering me as much as it was.

*Have you noticed anything lately? I haven't made a post about Ex in a long time. In fact, I haven't seen him for a long time (except for when he stopped by to visit about a day ago, an incident not even worth elaborating on). When I met Mr. Cocky, it was like Ex fell off the face of the earth, which is truly bizarre because we still live right across the street from each other and I still frequent his building for one reason or another. What's also a coincidence is that I no longer see his girlfriend either. She has a class in the same lecture hall I do, right after me so I used to run into her at least twice a week. But now, no sight of her. I'm not complaining though. It's just weird. Maybe this is just God's way of helping me move on completely. Out of sight, out of mind.

*I feel old at heart, but I'm only 19. That sounds so young. I'll be 20 in November, but still, I feel way older than that and I look it too. Not in a life-has-worn-me-down sort of way, but I just feel like I don't look like most girls my age. I always thought it was strange how only men (like 24 and up) talk to me, but guys in my age group never did. I'd truly be shocked if a 19 year old ever tried to holla, and I'm not so sure I'd be interested either. I was told it's the way I carry myself. I've also been told that I look intimidating. Whatever the case may be, men gravitate towards me, not boys. I wonder why that is.

*Speaking of my birthday, I'm buying myself a Nano Chromatic. I've been wanting an iPod for a long time, but never had my own money to buy one, so now I'm going to treat myself.

*I feel fat. I want to lose 20lbs this year. I gained the Freshmen 15 and never lost it. This makes me sad.

Imitation of Life

My English professor told us on the first day of class that, by the end of the semester, we'd be man-hating Feminazis and I'm starting to think she's right. I'm by no means a man hater, but I'm truly starting to understand the pseudo-feminist views that she has.
We just finished reading a book by Fannie Hurst called Imitation of Life. Set in the 1920s, the story is about a business woman who builds an empire by the age of 25, but in her quest for financial success and security, she neglected her personal life. When she finally did attempt to pursue a meaningful relationship with a man, it didn't work out. So what she settled for some "man lovin"--today's equivalent of a boo.
Last night, I didn't go to sleep until 5am and I had to wake up at 8 but, thanks to a very large cup of java, today turned out to be a great one. For once, I wasn't up into the wee hours of the night doing homework. This time, it was a much more recreational pastime that kept me awake. Mr. Cocky and I broke our silence as I knew we would. After couple hours of hanky panky (yes, I am gloating now lol) he said, "Ugh...we really need to stop doing this."

At first, I began to nod my head in agreement--he was right. We had to stop. But then I thought about it. Why stop? We're both single, consenting adults with needs. Why not make the most of this convenient situation.

Maybe it was reading the book that sparked the epiphany in me. I'm a full time student with a bright future ahead of me. My plans for a career as a writer/art historian are panning out beautifully, with many of the recent opportunities that I've had. Though I would love to be in a stable relationship, I simply don't have time for one right now. I'm far from being a workaholic with no time for social ventures, but I do know where my focus is and it's on my career. That said, the most that I can manage right now is an imitation of a relationship. A little "man lovin."

Eventually I said, "No, we shouldn't stop." And it didn't take much to convince him of that.

Ideally, today's modern woman can have it all. Love. Sex. Relationships. Success. But is that really true or are we forced to choose? And if we do choose a our careers over all else and settle for sex without love, is it just an imitation of life?

PS

I hate Blogspot. I've spent the last 20 minutes trying to format this post. I give up.

Judgy Wudgy Was A Bear...

It's a relief to have this blog as an outlet of expression, and not have to worry about prude broads turning their noses up at what I write. So, I just wanted to thank everyone for not judging me. Thank you for accepting me for my sometimes classy, sometimes raunchy self.

TMI Award

Hello everyone. I feel so neglectul. I'm sure no one has missed me (lol) but it's depressing that I can't blog like I want to anymore. All too often, I'm faced with the choice of blogging, doing homework, or sleeping. Almost always, homework wins out...Ugh, sometimes I feel like dropping out of school lol.


But alas, I've got some very exciting news--at least for me anyway. I got my first PAYING writing gig! I'm a columnist for a website about entertainment on and off campus. It's my job to write about art exhibits around campus, as well as on a national scale. It hasn't gone live yet, but as soon as it does, I'll put the url up. Yay for me!

Soooo, on to the Honest Blogger award. I was tagged by Jaded--my first tag ever so thanks for making me feel special lol...I titled this post TMI because most likely that's what most of you will be thinking by the time you finish reading it. Don't know why I've been so sex obsessed lately, but just a warning: 50% of the confessions are sexual in nature. Reader discrection is advised.

• I'm afraid of losing someone I love.


• I'm afraid that I'm unlovable.


• I'm afraid of going to Hell.


• I'm afraid of dying alone.

Okay, enough fears...

• I can flex my breasts and my ass. Porno style.


• I made a porno with my Ex
• I've oral and genuinely enjoy it. There, I said it.


• I'm thinking of getting my hmm-hmm pierced.


• I'm a conservative freak meaning, with the right guy, I'm down for pretty much anything.

I've got oodles more but decided to do you all of favor and not get that personal lol.

Tagging: Fluff, Don, Skinny Black Girl, Antithesis, and Dope Fiend.