Monday, May 5, 2008

The Pursuit of Happyness

My freshmen year of college is almost over. What can I say--I survived.

After a year of an emotional roller coaster ride, the ending almost seems anti-climactic. I've cried on average of three times a week since school started in August and now it's soon to be over. In four days I'll be leaving behind the campus where my life's biggest disappointments took place. Where do I go from here?

"Getting away will solve all my problems". That's what I've been telling myself. But what if it doesn't? What if I still feel depressed, heartbroken, unmotivated? What if I'm still bitter and jealous? This summer was supposed to be my time to break the right way and move on with my life. What if I don't? I'm afraid that I'll be just as miserable at home, as I am here.

The pretense of happyness. For the past week or so, I've been walking on air. Smiling, singing. Happy for no good reason which was just fine with me. I thought I was good. I thought I was ok. I thought that I didn't care anymore. But last night, when time stopped and I ran out of things to keep my mind busy, things set in. The pain. The resentment. All of it weighed on my heart. Though I didn't cry, my heart ached. I hadn't realized that I was just pretending to be happy.

When will this pain be a thing of the past? When will I be able to give him my blessings and wish him good luck in love, in life? When will I really be happy?


Don said...

personally speaking i think you will be happy once your heart accept things as such. which i know is easier said than done - i've been there myself, but that is usually how it works. happy for you that you survived your freshman year.

1/3 of what I used to be said...

I experienced the same thing in college. Getting away will allow urself to get phyiscally remove yourself from your heart ache..u just have to work on your mental. I went to a counselor to help me get over my last relationship..that may help you as well.. blog:-)

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