Second, Second Chances?

Second chances. What a concept.


The idea that one is entitled to make a mistake, but is granted the opportunity to make up for it.

God gave Mankind a second chance. Tyra gave Jaslene a second chance. Second chances make the world go 'round!

You know where this is headed...

I had finally spoken to MK since Friday (turns out he was involved in a fender bender) and we made plans together for Monday night. Of course I didn't set my hopes high because of his recent shortcomings, however, I did expect him to come through...Surprise, surprise. I sent MK a break up text message that night. I know, that's almost as low as an email. Or a Post-It. But in my defense, I only did it because I couldn't get in touch with him. It was a little disappointing because I did actually like the guy. But I knew I couldn't get used to the whole invisible man thing. So I grieved a little that night and went to sleep.

At 12:30 the next day, he called me. He apologized and plead his case. He promised me, it would never happen again, if I gave him a second chance.

Deja vu...I could've sworn we had this conversation about three weeks ago. Nevertheless, I gave him a second, second chance.

I know what some of you may be thinking. A "second chance" is just that. A SECOND chance. There's no such thing as a second, second chance. But are second chances really as open and shut as they sound? Are they really only second chances? Can there be third or fourth, second chances? Did you follow that (lol)?

The meaning of "second chance" is purely subjective. To some, it's only one opportunity to redeem yourself, and to others it's simply another chance. Personally, I mostly identify with the latter. Because, lets be realistic. We're human. We make mistakes--plural, not singular. And sometimes we need a second, second chance.

The real question is, where does the thin line between "fool me twice shame on me", and second, second chances meet?

Questions

I wasn't really expecting any feedback from my previous post. It was more of a personal rant. The question I posed at the end, a rhetorical one. But the responses I received were appreciated, and truly considered.

With my recent relationship trials, I was faced with every wise woman's delimma: Where do I go from here? Should I just be single and give the dating scene a break? Be less exclusive with one guy and test the waters? Or take a chance on love? I didn't know for sure.

After reading the comments on my post, I was only more confused about what I should do.

I was advised to stand still. Be alone. Be single.
I was advised to let go. Move on to the next.
And I was advised to take a chance on love.

Truth is, life is full of risks. Love is just one of them.

So the question remains, is he worth another chance? Granted, he's stood me up a few times, but all for ridiculously legitimate reasons. Am I entitled to have a low tolerance for bull sh*t and want to do away with him? Or am I being a bit hasty?

Move On or Hold On?

I was thinking about India.Arie's song, "Ready For Love"...It used to be my anthem. I loved Love so much and I wanted it so badly.

I am ready for love. Would you please lend me your ear? I promise I won't complain. I just need you to acknowledge I am here...

But after tonight I'm thinking otherwise. I'm not ready for love.
I don't think I'm even ready for dating.

Man oh man, it sucks to be stood up. There's no worse feeling in the world (at least in my little world at the moment) than having your hopes set high and then being disappointed. I even shed a tear--no lie. I'm just so tired of the conflict and confusion of wanting to take a chance, but being shocked back to reality. I've been burned recently, so I have to make sure that I'm carefully guarded. But if I'm too guarded than I'll write off my guy at the smallest misstep. So I change my thinking, and give second chances. I let myself be the least bit vulnerable and find out that I actually like the guy. And what happens then? He stands me up again. And not just in the usual way. It's in the I text and he doesn't text back sort of way; the I call and he answers then hangs up sort of way; the when I call him a third and final time, he lets me go to voicemail sort of way...Sigh.

I don't know what to make of it. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking for something to go wrong so that it'll be easier to break it off with him. Other times I feel like I let alot of things slide because I don't want to make the next guy pay for the mistakes my ex made. I don't know...I don't know how to be open to a new relationship without letting loose just a little. It's always all or nothing. It's never a little bit with me. So what now, do I send him a break up text? Do I ignore his phone call if he ever does return mine? Or do I just forgive and forget, let it go and just be casual about the whole thing? Man, I wish I could.

Another Quickie...

Man, I'm slacking for real, huh? I had an unexpected visit from a friend I knew since grade school, and she's been staying with me since Saturday. As a result, I've been occupied with entertaining and I haven't quite had the chance to stop and write. Forgive me, still love me lol...As soon as she leaves, which will be later on today, I will make the post that's been hard on my mind for the past three or four days. I've held myself to a personal daily deadline since I can't find a job and I'm trying to flesh out my portfolio anyway.

*Survey Update*

I'm thinking about pulling the survey down, as I said that I would do by Monday. Maybe I should left it up until Wednesday to complete a full week, but I don't think it will make much of a difference because five people voted. I'll do what I can with the results I have:)

Again, please bare with me, Love is a Minefield will be back in full swing tonight. Promise.

Quickie

Boy, do I have stories. Tomorrow I'm doubling (maybe even tripling) up on posts because I've got some shit on my mind--excuse my French. But for right now, I must make this post a quickie cause I'm about to go on a late date with MK...Oohhh La La...lol

Just wanted to thank those who have commented and voted. Even though both votes and comments are only in the single digits right now, I'm still appreciative lol...Keep them coming cause I feel an interesting thesis forming.

But I have to get going so everyone have a great weekend:)

Ciao!

Survey Wednesday

Hello all:)

Earlier this week, I installed a blog hit counter because I was curious about how many people visit my blog. I for one, frequent several blogs but never comment. I'm a lurker in most cases. Anyway, I can't help but wonder, who is reading my blog, since my count has reached 43 since Sunday (I started it at 100 hits, just so I wouldn't look pathetic lol)...So, since somebody is obviously reading this blog, may I ask that you kindly show your face? Leave a comment and I'll blog roll ya!

On to other things...I'm trying something new. Often times, for articles that I write for my school newspaper, I poll my peers. Since you all are my blogsphere peers, I'm polling you. I know I may not get too much traffic to this site, but anyone who does stop by, please take the short survey at the right. It's only one question and totally anonymous. I'll keep it up until Monday, and then I'll write about the results.

So, my question for you folks is, how many sexual partners have you had? Remember, it's anonymous, so please vote!

I'm No Expert But...

Just as an experiment, today I typed dating in the Google Image search engine. Here were a few of the results:






Is it just me, or is something missing? Oh, I don't know, maybe something like this?




I know this is nothing new, but I had to mention it. It just saddens me that there is so little representation of black relationships in the media. For pages upon pages, my search for "dating" delivered results of white couples, Asian couples, even interracial couples, but never once did I get a result of a black man and a black woman. Not until I typed in black dating.

Sometimes I think we've come a long way in terms of race in America but, at times like this, I have second thoughts. What ever happen to the days of The Cosby Show, Living Single, and Fresh Prince, when you saw black men and women lovin' on each other instead of fighting with each other? The only contemporary TV show that did a decent job of representing black love in a positive way was Girlfriends, and that got canceled! Now all we've got left is The Game, on which you can expect drama every week. Of course there are exceptions to the white representation of relationships on TV--controversy is what sells, so alot of shows on nowadays feature plot lines where the desperate housewife is having an affair with the plumber. But for the most part, the common perception of white relationships is that they are loving and functional, because that's what we see in Kay Jewelers commercials.

I'm not bashing white love, don't get me wrong. I just feel like black love has a bad rep. Just like in the news, the good is never shown, only the bad. Now, I'm no expert and I'm not the most experienced dater out there--I've only been in two real relationships and did a little casual dating in between--but black relationships are something to be celebrated. When the bond is real and the respect is mutual, they can be some of the deepest, most beautiful unions out there. But, unless you're a member of the black community, you wouldn't really know that.

Shhhh! Don't Ask, Don't Tell...

Things are pretty great with MK. The communication is getting better, and so is the chemistry. With the way things have been going lately, I had to stop and think today. Why is everything so peachy with this guy after a month of dating him, while I was already having drama with Ex at the four week mark? I attribute it to the fact that I've kept alot of my past from him.

Let me explain. Of course I have flaws. At times, I can be ultra sensitive, emotional, jealous, and obsessive. And then there's the whole drama with Ex that I went through. I met MK at the height of my withdrawal, but I made sure to make the whole affair seem like it wasn't a big deal. Even though I can have my low moments, I am also a very affectionate, nurturing,out-going, and fun person. So why does he need to know any more than that right now?

I'm not talking about that terrible phenomenon that is pretending to be someone you're not in the beginning of a relationship and then pulling the old switcharoo after your one year anniversary. I'm just saying, it may not always be the best thing to divulge all your personal information to someone you're dating.

In effort to clear up some of the misunderstandings that my Ex and I were having while we still (technically) together, I came clean to him about all of my "issues". From my problems with co-dependency to my mild case of separation anxiety, I told him my deepest insecurities and then instantly regretted it.

I realize now that, although honesty is important for a relationship, you don't have to be honest about everything. Once I told him about my problems, whenever I had a complaint about our relationship--even if it was a valid one--he was always thinking, "Oh, she just being over-sensitive and clingy" or "She's not feeling too good about herself right now." Both were claims that may have held some truth at certain times, but I didn't want them to be his go-to-explanations for why we argued on occasion. I'd rather him have blamed it on PMS.

What I learned is not to divulge my issues to my boyfriends anymore. What they don't know won't hurt them. And what they don't know won't make me look unstable lol.

A New Direction

I've had this blog for about 10 months now and over the course of those months, my writing has revolved around my relationship troubles. I updated on no particular schedule, only when I was down-trodden by love or depressed. While I held this blog down, I also managed another blog called A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That. I used this blog to help document and assist my journey as an aspiring writer.

Yes, I want to be a writer. That's something I don't think I've ever divulged in this blog before. It has been my passion since the age of six and I've always known that writing was my calling in life. I've written for numerous publication during my high school career, but my goal write now is to become a professional freelance writer, as well as publicize my own column/blog.

Journalism was always the obvious route to go, when I used think of what I'd major in. But once I got to college, something became apparent to me. After taking Journalism 200, where the professors emphasized the whole cut-throat and by-any-means-necessary approach to journalism, I realized that it wasn't for me. While I do enjoy researching, investigating, and writing, which were the original appeal of journalism to me, I don't like the lack of morals that are expected of a journalist. What I enjoy doing is writing about things that I'm already knowledgable in, while researching to know more, and a blog is the best place to do this.

Ever since the beginning of my summer break, I knew that I wanted to start a new blog so that I can hone in my writing skills, and create some sort of portfolio. I had been racking my brain for what I wanted my blog to be about because I had a laundry list of interests that I could write about.

fashion.film.art.writing.blogging.new media.Japanese culture.beauty.makeup.graphic design.italy.travel.books.researching.music.movies.guitars.philosophy.animals.photography.life.people.dreams.forgiveness.happiness.interior design...The list went on for pages.

But then I realized the other night that I already had a topic in which I was intensely interested, and would love to learn more about. And I realized that, in fact, I already had a blog on it.

No, I'm not an expert. And, of course, I'm still learning and growing. But this crazy little thing called love is very intriguing to me, and everything associated with it. So I hope you guys join me in my exploration of what I know.

Eternal Optimist

So, it's nearly been a week since I last made a post to my blog...Can't say that I've been super busy or that I've had nothing to write about because the opposite is actually true. I've been doing alot of thinking. At first about a certain someone. And when thoughts of him pop into my head, I'm usually less inclined to make an entry. But other times, my thoughts were about someone else and they were pleasant. A small smile would creep to my lips without me realizing, as I replayed our last moments together. Is it love? Of course not. But it's like, and that's good enough for me.

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

After all the emotional damage I endured with my relationship with Ex, I used to agree with this quote. I used to feel I'd never be able to trust anyone ever again. That I would never be capable loving anyone ever again. I couldn't imagine trusting anyone with my heart so I made a promise to myself not to be open to love. After sometime has gone by and my wounds are slowly healing, I realize that it's not love that I have to give up on, it's what I usually do when I fall in love that I have to let go of.

I've only been in two relationships my whole life. My first lasted for three months, and my second for two years. My biggest mistake with both, but mostly with Ex, was that I loved them more than I loved myself. A naive, inexperienced self-professed outcast, I didn't know what it felt like to receive male attention. I was always "weird" and "different" growing up; no boys ever looked my way. So when I finally did meet a guy that showed interest, I wanted to keep him. I wanted to show him how devoted and in love I was so that he'd never want to leave...My undying love and devotion got me nowhere in the end. It landed me with a broken heart and a disenchantment with love.

In the recent weeks getting over the ordeal, I often asked myself why I went through all of this. It is my firm belief that EVERYTHING in life happens for a reason, but at first I couldn't find the reason for why I was so heart broken. I asked God why, I asked myself why, I even posed the question to my Ex...But when I had finally accepted the situation and got the closure that I needed, I received my answer. I knew why I went through this.

I needed to learn two lessons about love.

Love doesn't mean sacrificing your integrity

So many times I did things that were less than honorable. Because I loved my Ex, I decidedly continued an affair with him knowing he was in a relationship. Because I know what if feels like to be cheated on, I had made up my mind to never be the other woman. And yet, for nearly a year, I continued to sleep with my Ex. I thought that, because I loved him, it was somehow innocent. Less wrong...But there was nothing right about it. Nothing at all. And I felt this to the very core, but I never wanted to accept it.

Love doesn't mean sacrificing your self-worth

He claimed he loved me. But not enough to be with me.

For months I hung in there, trying to change his mind. Offering up my body to him as the ultimate sacrifice and he was always willing to take. But he was never willing to be with me.

"He's using you girl!" Is what my friends always used to tell me. I'd laugh it off and say, "Naw, I'm using him!"...But deep down I felt stupid because I knew they were right. And more than that, I felt stupid because I let it continue. It made me feel cheap. Disposable. Worthless....But I loved him and I thought, if I kept trying, I could get him back.


Through my trials, I've learned way more than these two bullet points, but I believe they are an umbrella to all the other lessons that I've acquired. I attributed many things to why I was so heartbroken but the truth is, it wasn't my Ex. I became so absorbed in getting him back, showing him how much I was willing to fight for him, that I completely lost myself. I invested my entire life's purpose into being with him, and when I didn't succeed, I felt that I had lost everything. Nothing was important. Life didn't even feel worth living...

I blamed love. But love wasn't the enemy. Sex wasn't even the enemy, as I mentioned a couple of entries back. It was the sacrificing of myself--my entire being--that led to my downfall.

So, where do I go from here? Well, with my new found knowledge, I'm going wherever--or to whoever--life takes me. I'm no longer bitter or cynical, but cautious and more aware. I'm allowing myself to be optimistic about love once again and get excited at the prospect of sharing my life with someone else one day. I'm allowing myself to be the hopeless romantic that I once was, and be open to being swept off my feet without falling to my death.

Missing him...

I just had the best date that I've had in a very long time. A game of miniature golf (which I won of course;-) followed by a romantic walk in the park. But for some strange reason, in the midst of my date, I started missing my Mr. Big...

Why is it that your heart doesn't do what your mind tells it to?