Saturday, June 7, 2008

Eternal Optimist

So, it's nearly been a week since I last made a post to my blog...Can't say that I've been super busy or that I've had nothing to write about because the opposite is actually true. I've been doing alot of thinking. At first about a certain someone. And when thoughts of him pop into my head, I'm usually less inclined to make an entry. But other times, my thoughts were about someone else and they were pleasant. A small smile would creep to my lips without me realizing, as I replayed our last moments together. Is it love? Of course not. But it's like, and that's good enough for me.

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

After all the emotional damage I endured with my relationship with Ex, I used to agree with this quote. I used to feel I'd never be able to trust anyone ever again. That I would never be capable loving anyone ever again. I couldn't imagine trusting anyone with my heart so I made a promise to myself not to be open to love. After sometime has gone by and my wounds are slowly healing, I realize that it's not love that I have to give up on, it's what I usually do when I fall in love that I have to let go of.

I've only been in two relationships my whole life. My first lasted for three months, and my second for two years. My biggest mistake with both, but mostly with Ex, was that I loved them more than I loved myself. A naive, inexperienced self-professed outcast, I didn't know what it felt like to receive male attention. I was always "weird" and "different" growing up; no boys ever looked my way. So when I finally did meet a guy that showed interest, I wanted to keep him. I wanted to show him how devoted and in love I was so that he'd never want to leave...My undying love and devotion got me nowhere in the end. It landed me with a broken heart and a disenchantment with love.

In the recent weeks getting over the ordeal, I often asked myself why I went through all of this. It is my firm belief that EVERYTHING in life happens for a reason, but at first I couldn't find the reason for why I was so heart broken. I asked God why, I asked myself why, I even posed the question to my Ex...But when I had finally accepted the situation and got the closure that I needed, I received my answer. I knew why I went through this.

I needed to learn two lessons about love.

Love doesn't mean sacrificing your integrity

So many times I did things that were less than honorable. Because I loved my Ex, I decidedly continued an affair with him knowing he was in a relationship. Because I know what if feels like to be cheated on, I had made up my mind to never be the other woman. And yet, for nearly a year, I continued to sleep with my Ex. I thought that, because I loved him, it was somehow innocent. Less wrong...But there was nothing right about it. Nothing at all. And I felt this to the very core, but I never wanted to accept it.

Love doesn't mean sacrificing your self-worth

He claimed he loved me. But not enough to be with me.

For months I hung in there, trying to change his mind. Offering up my body to him as the ultimate sacrifice and he was always willing to take. But he was never willing to be with me.

"He's using you girl!" Is what my friends always used to tell me. I'd laugh it off and say, "Naw, I'm using him!"...But deep down I felt stupid because I knew they were right. And more than that, I felt stupid because I let it continue. It made me feel cheap. Disposable. Worthless....But I loved him and I thought, if I kept trying, I could get him back.

Through my trials, I've learned way more than these two bullet points, but I believe they are an umbrella to all the other lessons that I've acquired. I attributed many things to why I was so heartbroken but the truth is, it wasn't my Ex. I became so absorbed in getting him back, showing him how much I was willing to fight for him, that I completely lost myself. I invested my entire life's purpose into being with him, and when I didn't succeed, I felt that I had lost everything. Nothing was important. Life didn't even feel worth living...

I blamed love. But love wasn't the enemy. Sex wasn't even the enemy, as I mentioned a couple of entries back. It was the sacrificing of myself--my entire being--that led to my downfall.

So, where do I go from here? Well, with my new found knowledge, I'm going wherever--or to whoever--life takes me. I'm no longer bitter or cynical, but cautious and more aware. I'm allowing myself to be optimistic about love once again and get excited at the prospect of sharing my life with someone else one day. I'm allowing myself to be the hopeless romantic that I once was, and be open to being swept off my feet without falling to my death.


Muze said...

I realize that it's not love that I have to give up on, it's what I usually do when I fall in love that I have to let go of.

wish i could frame these words. these are words which paint a perfect picture. i agree, it's not necessarily love. but more of the person one becomes when in love.

Emera said...

Good words.

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