Friday, June 20, 2008

Move On or Hold On?

I was thinking about India.Arie's song, "Ready For Love"...It used to be my anthem. I loved Love so much and I wanted it so badly.

I am ready for love. Would you please lend me your ear? I promise I won't complain. I just need you to acknowledge I am here...

But after tonight I'm thinking otherwise. I'm not ready for love.
I don't think I'm even ready for dating.

Man oh man, it sucks to be stood up. There's no worse feeling in the world (at least in my little world at the moment) than having your hopes set high and then being disappointed. I even shed a tear--no lie. I'm just so tired of the conflict and confusion of wanting to take a chance, but being shocked back to reality. I've been burned recently, so I have to make sure that I'm carefully guarded. But if I'm too guarded than I'll write off my guy at the smallest misstep. So I change my thinking, and give second chances. I let myself be the least bit vulnerable and find out that I actually like the guy. And what happens then? He stands me up again. And not just in the usual way. It's in the I text and he doesn't text back sort of way; the I call and he answers then hangs up sort of way; the when I call him a third and final time, he lets me go to voicemail sort of way...Sigh.

I don't know what to make of it. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking for something to go wrong so that it'll be easier to break it off with him. Other times I feel like I let alot of things slide because I don't want to make the next guy pay for the mistakes my ex made. I don't know...I don't know how to be open to a new relationship without letting loose just a little. It's always all or nothing. It's never a little bit with me. So what now, do I send him a break up text? Do I ignore his phone call if he ever does return mine? Or do I just forgive and forget, let it go and just be casual about the whole thing? Man, I wish I could.


Anonymous said...

I feel you on this post. My own experience said the same thing... I was in love with idea of being in love that I couldn't really see where I was going... One bad relationship after another... Until one day someone said to me... If you choose to believe you aren't ready more so accept it, things would be easier.. and she was right...

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

move on
when in your heart
there is nothing there
be honest
i have had such deciet
and i wish she would have told me long long ago

Muze said...

isn't it hard to believe in love, truly believe in love again...once the heart has been tainted?

but we must love in order to truly live. seems like all we can do is follow our heart, love with all our heart, and, possibly experience heartbreak again, if it comes down to it.

i like this post. thanks for sharing. very engaging.

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