Monday, October 19, 2009

Trippin'

Didn't I just tell ya'll I still had issues?

I'm going to tell you guys a little story and I hope someone gets something out of it.

So, I was seeing this guy. He and I had a history that was at best...difficult. We were off and on, on and off for a long time. Finally, we were able to get along and be cool. We were friends. Then his circumstances changed, and suddenly it was okay for us to be more than friends. Only, niether of us were ready to take that definitive step. So, instead we decided to play it cool. Go with the flow. Just enjoy what we had without attempting to define it.

All was well until I started to get paranoid. I started thinking ahead and thinking behind. What if this happens? I can't forget when THAT happened. I'd freak out and tell him that I didn't think we should see each other anymore...and a day later I'd realize that I was TRIPPIN'.

We'd discuss what made me trip, and he agreed to make an effort to make me feel more secure about our 'relationship'. All is well and then a week later I get paranoid again. Only, for a different reason. I bring it to his attention and tell him, I'm not sure we're on the same page here. I mean, I can be okay with this kind of relationship but I can't be forever. TRIPPIN'.

He acknowledges my concerns and agrees to put forth even more effort to keep me comfortable. Two weeks go by without incident. Until one weekendm he has a ton of homework to do. He informs me that he'd be busy with a project for most of the weekend. He's lying...He's not doing homework. He's out romancing some other chick. I resolve that I can't trust him, I am completely unable to handle our relationship and that I don't think we should see each other anymore.

It doesn't take me very long to realize I was, what? TRIPPIN'.

I tried to fix it, but this time he wasn't going. You say you won't trip again, but how do I know that's true? ANYTHING can set you off. I don't know what to expect from you. He decided that it would be best for us to not continue our pseudo-relationship.

There's only so much a guy can take. I don't blame him for being tired of my insecurities even though he was the cause of most of them. The fact is, he was doing right by me, and I couldn't let go of my issues. Every time I thought of the past, I freaked out. And I verbalized my freak out. I invented scenarios that didn't exist, and even when he tried to reassure me, I found new reasons to freak out. As it turned out, I couldn't handle a pseudo-relationship with someone who hurt me in the past.

The moral of this story is this: If you decide your going to be in a relationship or whatever you wanna call it, with someone you've been through it with, realize its ramifications. If you're not willing to let go of your issues and insecurities, you're not ready to be in it. And if you decide to be in it, you have to be ready to roll with the punches. Especially when they are invisible ones. Let that marinate.

5 comments:

Rubby said...

took me a while to get that in my head too. biggest issue is that im not the insecure type. im that girl that takes things in her stride and dusts off whatever seems too much of a hassel to carry but for some reason, things are not so with this guy. cant tell you how many times he has secured his undying love yet should he even have a hint of doing something similar that lead to our first brake-up, there i go flippin' out and having a baby about it.

can trust be rebuilt?
im starting to hink the answere t that is clear, no conditions attached, plain NO.

1/3 said...

I definitely feel this post. I'm going through something similar but as you said you have to be ready to trust or let go or there can be no relationship.

Experience is the best teacher. said...

Damn. Are you reading my facebook statuses? No, because we're not facebook friends. I DID however see you when I was stalking The Artist's facebook page a few months ago. I think I'll search and add you today... :-)

Qucifer said...

Bwahaha Noooooo No going back to exes or past dudes! That's MY mantra cause I KNOW my inner petty bitch!

That's why I changed my number, to neatly cut every old flame-ish off

VanB said...

Wow. Thanks for sharing, I am in/out of what seems to be a really similar scenario right now. I wouldn't consider myself an "insecure" person, but because of things that have happened in the past, I find myself "inventing" things that could possibly happen.

Pseudo-relationships are pretty bad, and I wonder how many times do they actually turn into real, healthy thriving relationships.

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