Wednesday, April 29, 2009

One Day I'll Fly Away

Damn, where have I been? Hell, where has everyone been? Blogworld is looking kind of bleak these days. It's definitely because of Twitter. Bloggers giving up blogging and are twogging instead. Not me though. I've abandoned Blogosphere and Twogosphere. Would like to blame it on school, but I can't even lie. I've been slacking in all aspects of life. I've got every type of -itis you can imagine right now. Bloggeritis, Summeritis, Sophomoritis, Lazyitis, Procrastinitis. I've been bumming it hard these days. And I can't even blame it on Depressionitis either.

Sidenote: You are what you say you are. If you claim Depression, Insanity, Worthlessness, Unloveability--you will be those things. Speak of yourself only in the affirmative, never in the negative. And if you can't do that, just remember what they used to tell us when we were kids: If you can't say anything nice (about yourself), don't say anything at all.

I'm no longer affected by "depression". I've faced my demons and found the power within myself to battle the feelings I was having. Still, I don't know why, but I'm just not feeling it. Though I'm not quite sure what "it" is. I'm so ready to be through with where I am. You ever get sick of seeing the same people everyday? Going to the same places? I'm at that point. I haven't signed a lease for my next school year because I'm anxious about living in a community where alllll the people I see in the dorms right now, will be. I want a fresh start. A clean slate. I don't want to see anyone I know now, give or take a few close friends.
I heard this quote recently:

People are most themselves when they are in a place where no one knows them.

I couldn't agree with this statement more. It struck me recently that, the person I am in college, isn't who I really am. When I first started, maybe I felt more comfortable because I wanted to fit in. Well, not so much fit in, but I wanted to have friends. New to a university, I didn't want to be a loner. I wanted to be and feel accepted. So, when I found my niche and group of friends, I was excited that I had 'people'. But now, I just want to be free to be me. To be my sometimes weird and quirky self. To sometimes lay on the Quad at night. To sometimes go see an Indie rock band or the classical piano man. To sometimes get it crackin at a black frat house. Or dance with no rhythm at a white one. I want to be free to be my Hippie/Hip Hop/Rock/Black conscious/Stanky Leg lovin'/Classy/Grungey/Jazzy/Artsy/Hopeless Romantic/Feminist/Earth-loving//God-fearing/Buddha believing/Astrological/ Spiritual Self.

Why do I have to just be one thing? Why can't I be an Artist? A Humanist? A Writer? Why can't I be everything. I feel incredibly limited. My current friends only know one side of me. But there's so much more to who I am.

The entire monologue is amazing, but she sums my world up at 2:28-3:07.

Sometimes I feel like my mind and spirit have outgrown my body, my surroundings, even my friends. How do you transcend to the next level without leaving everyone behind?


To my lovely family and friends who read my blog, this is one of those posts that are off limits for discussion. I would have kept it to myself, but sometimes I just have to write it out. So please, take no offense, but don't try to probe me about this. It is what it is, and I'm searching Myself for the best solution.


This post doesn't relate to you, blogfam. Because this is my blog. I feel like I can be myself here, truly and fully. If only I could say the same about the real world...


Gem said...

I am going through so many similar things right now. Maybe I've gotten a little farther, because I feel inspired, like I am really finding my niche and loosening the grip of the identity (or parts) that others want me to keep and stop caring so much. Because caring is maintaining and cultivating this identity that is not fully you.

So I can look back and tell you lay on the quad, be all those Sydneys you are. Some won't understand but still love and want to be around you; for others it will be different. But they orbit around YOU.

Anonymous said...

thats an awesome monologue hunny. Been on your blog for like 10 mins just growing through the different ones... spoken word really speaks to me.


Miss you much. I've been a lazy blogger too... can't blame twitter though... just lazy... maybe overextended.

strangetimes said...

I need to find the article, but according to a survey, 60% of newcomers to Twitter abandon the site within 1-2 months of first signing up.

I wish you all the best while you search for who you are and what your identity is. It's going to take some time, but you'll get there.

I'm in the same boat as you. Recently, I've realized that I don't want to teach and now I'm asking myself, "well, where do I go now?"

unequivocal difference said...

"It struck me recently that, the person I am in college, isn't who I really am."


College is such a strange bubble, luckily it only lasts for about 4 years (give or take).

You just have to be like "Forget these people" and do any and everything that makes you happy. People may talk, but so what? Trying to fit other people's molds, especially people who are your contemporaries, will drive you up a tree.

I 'forgot' a WHOLE bunch of people, seriously cut off peripheral friends, and I feel so much freer.

YoungBlackBeauty said...

I'm currently living the "post college" life and I'm still finding myself. I starting to figure out who "I" am and not who I thought I was. You'll get there and hopefully so will I.

Abbi said...

Be proud of who you are and stay sweet!

Anonymous said...

Now this. Is. An Excellent post. Right here, this-

"I want to be free to be my Hippie/Hip Hop/Rock/Black conscious/Stanky Leg lovin'/Classy/Grungey/Jazzy/Artsy/Hopeless Romantic/Feminist/Earth-loving//God-fearing/Buddha believing/Astrological/ Spiritual Self."

Wow, Sid - just wow. Do that, be that - never settle for less.

And as for this-

"People are most themselves when they are in a place where no one knows them."

Yes, 'tis true in a pragmatic sense. However, the definition of integrity is being the same person with the same values and actions when by yourself as when in the presence of other people.

You strike me as a young lady of integrity, with a heart and soul that is reaching out for and will find the true meaning, the oneness, of life and creation.

Be joyful on the journey. For in the end, it is not reaching the destination that matters - it's the journey that matters.

Marvin D Wilson said...

this entry is so real relevant, i just love it. I have had this same conversation with people for the past few months. Im at a new school now in a grad program and I think I took that route last semester--find your niche of people and tough it out with them, but i'm no one niche of people everyday. My niche will change because I'm a free spirit. I want people around who can understand my multitude and if you don't get why I change so much, then you say I'm not being me? Or you say I don't see *you* hanging out with *those* type of people? When really that just shows you dont know me at all. I love this entry. Keep writing girl and keep feeling...

Anonymous said...

Please GF You KNOW Me, I TOTALLY Understand and relate to this, like straight just *poof* Disappear off to somewhere no old people, no stupid petty bullshit

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