Ohhhhmmmm

Hey homies.

In early May, I made a post about my summer plans. How I intended on traveling, exploring, and trying a lot of new things. While my endeavors will certainly include dating outside the box, what I was referring to first and foremost, was having new personal experiences.

I mentioned yesterday that I'm going to be out of town for 10 days starting this Wednesday. While this will certainly be a getaway of sorts, it's not by any means a "vacation". I'm actually going to a center to take a 10 Day course about the practice of Vipassana cogitation. Vipassana, which means to see things as they really are, is one of India's most ancient techniques of meditation. It was taught in India more than 2500 years ago as a universal remedy for universal ills, an Art of Living. The technique uses the breath and one's own body as the basis for developing concentration and insight. The courses provide a unique opportunity to direct one's attention inward, and set about a process of inner discovery through direct experience.

Both my mom and my older sister have taken the course in the past, and they admite that, although it was no easy task, it definitely benefited them. Maybe you're wondering what's so hard about a little meditation. Well, let me lay out the schedule for you:

4:00 am Morning wake-up bell
4:30-6:30 am Meditate in the hall or in your room
6:30-8:00 am Breakfast break
8:00-9:00 am Group meditation in the hall
9:00-11:00 am Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions
11:00-12:00 noon Lunch break
12noon-1:00 pm Rest and interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30 pm Meditate in the hall or in your room
2:30-3:30 pm Group meditation in the hall
3:30-5:00 pm Meditate in the hall or in your own room according to the teacher's instructions
5:00-6:00 pm Tea break
6:00-7:00 pm Group meditation in the hall
7:00-8:15 pm Teacher's Discourse in the hall
8:15-9:00 pm Group meditation in the hall
9:00-9:30 pm Question time in the hall
9:30 pm Retire to your own room--Lights out

And so the schedule goes this way for the entire 10 days. Pretty much all we do for 16 hours out of the day is meditate. In addition to meditating, we are to observe Noble Silence, meaning we cannot speak for the entire time. We're also prohibited from listening to music, reading, writing, talking on the phone, eating meat, or doing anything else that might cause a distraction.

Now, you may be wondering why I would even want to do something like this. You guys may or may not know that I am adementally opposed to the use of medication for anything that can be treated naturally. I understand situations of chemical imbalences and clinical conditions, but when you're having issues that are more mental in nature, I'm all for natural remedies. That said, I've felt a sense of imbalence in my life for a really long time now. Emotionally, physically, and mentally, my life has been pretty unpredicatable. I just feel like I'm way too easily distracted, self-indulgent, not very disciplined, and extremely unorganized right now. So, I guess what I'm hoping to gain from this course is a little focus, the ability to center myself, and the discipline to get back on track when I fall off the wagon a little.

I know some of you are giving me the side eye now and are proceeding to Unfollow me lol. But this is something I'm really excited about doing. I've actually applied to take the course twice before and I was accepted both times. But on both occasions, I wimped out at the last second because I didn't think I could handle it. I was afraid that I'd get home sick or that I'd go crazy from the silence on the 3rd day. Now, I feel like I'm finally mature enough to go through with it. I finally feel like I'm ready.

I do expect to come home changed from this. But I promise you guys I won't be all weird and spacey lol. I'll be the same bloggal that I've been all this time. Just a hell of a lot more Zen.

My Name Is Sydney, And I'm....

Damn, do I really suck that bad that people actually go through the trouble of unfollowing me? LOL. It's like, every new Follower I get, one leaves. ::pretends to pout::

I haven't written these last couple of days because its been a pretty busy week for me. Wednesday night, my baby sister graduated from 8th grade. Of course we had to do the whole family dinner thing afterwards. Except, it was kind of hard to find a restaurant that was still open that 10pm. I mean, who holds a middle school graduation at night anyway? I'll post pictures in the near future. I'm too lazy to do it now.

The next day (Thursday) was the homecoming of one of my high school BFFs. She's been studying abroad in Scotland for the past semester and she came home Thursday. We had a little get together in honor of her return, but she slept through the whole thing because she was severely jet lagged. We still had fun anyway, because my lovely friends were determined to make a drunk out of me. You see, they all know that I've never gotten drunk in my life, only buzzed or slightly tipsy, and they wanted to be the first to get me there. They must've succeeded because I managed to leave my wallet at one friend's apartment and my cell in someone else's car. I can be clumsy/forgetful/accident prone on a regular day. Don't let alcohol get added to the mix....

Friday was pretty cool as well. I went with aforementioned BFF to a historical artifact museum. The building was formerly a 65 room hotel in the 1920s, and was eventually converted into a museum that showcases artifacts of the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s. May sound kind of lame, but it was an art historian's (moi) dream. Anyway, the museum is said to be haunted so we did sort of a group tour where we tried to capture ghosts on camera and/or on a tape recorder. I won't really say too much about it because I'm too lazy right now to give a detailed account. But it was definitely one of the coolest things I've ever experienced. Not only that, but the museum overlooks this gorgeous lake. I can see myself going back there throughout the summer. The BFF took pictures, because I didn't bring my camera like an idiot, so I'll post a few when she puts them up.

Friday night, post-ghost hunt, I hung out with a few friends, drank a little more, and had a grand old alcoholic time. I promised myself that this would be the last time I drank that much because I can't stand not being in TOTAL control. I mean, I wasn't the typical loud, obnoxious drunk because that's not my personality anyway; I was still very much the composed, calm person that I usually am. But I wouldn't have been able to walk a straight line if you paid me. Seriously. Besides all that, I can't afford to lose many more brain cells after this weekend.

All in all, I had a pretty cool weekend aside from the fact that I temporarily became an alchy. I've decided to chill tonight though, because I wanted to spend my last few days home with my family. I'll be going out of town for 10 days on Wednesday, so I wanted to get some family time in before I left. Don't worry, I'll fill you guys in on the vacation tomorrow. Right now though, I think I have to stop typing because I think I'm still slightly buzzed.

The Ex Box

Last night my sister was doing a little pre-Summer cleaning. She cleared out all the spaces that have been occupied by old boxes of high school text books and VHS tapes long forgotten. She called me in every once in awhile to give me some of my old possessions that somehow wound up in one of her boxes. A couple of old books, journals, and movies were among the goodies that I took to my bedroom eager to look through. One of the books was called The Female Brain. I remember reading it in my senior year of high school, but I never finished for some reason. Anyway, I opened the book to page one, and a letter fell out. After reading a few lines, it didn't take me long to realize it was a love letter that Ex had written me while we were at our best.

The note was typed in Word, single spaced, a page and a half long. In it he poured his heart out to me. He wrote about how much he loved me, how he could never live without me, how he wanted to marry me. I have no doubt that he meant these things at the time he wrote the letter, but I couldn't help but feel like these words were not his. He and I have changed so much since we were 17 (yes, I know that was only a few years ago lol) that we're hardly recognizable...Reading his letter was surprisingly emotional for me. Seeing his loving words took me back to how I used to feel about him, and I sort of feel for him now deep down. Before I knew it I was crying. Thinking about what went wrong, how he hurt me, how I hurt him, what we could've both done differently, etc. The crybaby fest only lasted a few minutes, because that was as long as I'd allow it to.

Afterwards, I folded the letter up and placed it in my box of mementos. Tucked it in with all the diaries I've had and birthday cards, and other miscellaneous things I've received since I was 8 or 9 years old. Of course this prompted me to rummage through my old keepsake box, as I do every six months or so. In it I found home made gifts, teddy bears, love notes, pictures, and cards from my exs. As I looked at each piece of memorabilia, I couldn't help but wonder, was it a bad idea for me to keep all of these things that reminded me of my exs?

Some people have different ways of dealing with break ups. Some get rid of everything that reminded them of that person. Music, emails, pictures, texts. Some even rearrange their furniture so that they can forget what it was like to cohabitate with that person. But me, I've never been that type. Sometimes it sickens me how sentimental I can be. I've never been the type to do the You Don't Exist To Me sort of thing, but maybe I should. I mean, it's not like I look through this box every day, reminiscing and whining about how things didn't work out. But at the same time, does it really do me any good to keep them? I don't know.

I'm still debating whether or not I'll get rid of my Ex Box, but I'm just curious what you guys do. When you end a relationship, is it the end of that person as you knew them? Or do you hold on to the things that remind you of the good times you had with them?

System Restore

Hey blogworld. How's life treating you?

I hope you all enjoyed your extended Memorial Day Weekends. I got together with the family yesterday, our first reunion since Christmas. It was nice, catching up with everyone. Seeing family has always been mildly therapeutic for me. Even though we have the stereotypical extended family--the one loud uncle, the crazy auntie, and the grandfather who never comes out of his room--it's nice to be around them. It's nostalgic for me. Takes me back to less complicated days of childhood. When all that mattered were family BBQs and harmless arguments about who won Scrabble.

Because I spent yesterday with family, today was a do nothing day kind of day. So, as promised, I played blog catch up. Even if I didn't comment, I did stop by and see what you guys have been up to in the past month or so. Much to my surprise, I wasn't as behind as I thought I would be. It seems everyone has had a case of writer's block/blog blues, and haven't been writing as much as they used to. And it's not just out of laziness or Twitter or being busy. I think we're all willing to admit that, in the past, even if we were busy, we found time to blog. But for some reason lately, so many of us have been lacking in ideas and motivation to sit down and write. I have a hunch that our current economic recession is prompting a nationwide motivational/emotional depression. But that's just my opinion.

Whatever it is, I think a lot of Americans are searching for something right now. We're searching for the days when we didn't have to worry about where our next meal would come from or whether we'd be able to pay our mortgage. Days when we didn't have make the choice between paying for AC or grandma's medication. Days when all that mattered were family BBQs and harmless arguments about who won Scrabble.

I know I said that already.

I can't help but wish that there was a way for us to go back in time. Nothing magical or metaphysical. Not even mental. I wish there was just a way that our minds could be restored to the state they were when we were children. Back when we were resilient. When we saw the good in every bad situation. When we'd fall off the jungle gym and bawl our eyes out, but we'd be right back on it as soon as our tears dried. Back before our hearts were broken. When we weren't jaded and cynical. When we were hopeless romantics and believed that love could really and truly conquer all.

My computer's been acting kind of wonky for the past few weeks. For some reason, it's been running slow and shutting down programs as soon as I open them. I figured that this was due to something I downloaded that was corrupting my computer, so I did a System Restore. I restored it to a date when I knew that it was in tip-top condition, and lo and behold, it ran faster and stopped closing programs! It's still a little glitchy sometimes, as some things were irreversible, but for the most part it runs the way it should.

What if we could restore our systems? We could set our minds and hearts a date before the the world jaded us, and we'd be restored to that point. As with PCs, we'd still be just a little glitchy, as some things couldn't be reversed. But it would be okay, because those glitches, those memories, are what make us who we are today. We need them to remember lessons learned. The good part is that that we'd be able to get rid of whatever toxic virus was corrupting our systems, keeping us from functioning at our fullest potential, but still had the wisdome we gained from those virues.

Man, wouldn't it be great it if was that simple?

Forgive Me?

Hey homies!

First off, biggest apologies for not updating in over a week. I'm not going to even lie and say I've been mad busy or anything like that. I've just been recouping and catching up on some much needed sleep. Even though I finished my finals last Tuesday, I didn't actually move back home until Saturday. My sisters came down to visit me, the youngest (14) to see what life on a college campus was like, and the eldest (22) because she's considering my university for grad school. We had a pretty nice time catching up and hanging out. I hadn't realized how much I missed my sisters...

Anyway, I've been home since Saturday evening, but things have been a little disjointed and I wasn't able to settle in until just yesterday. Basically, my estranged grandmother on my father's side got wind of the fact that I was home, and has been contacting me about working in her resteraunt this Summer. I don't really know how I feel about working in fast food for three main reasons: I'm not good with people with bad attitudes, and I know that's something you encounter on the daily in the fast food business. Also, I'm not trying to gain any weight this Summer because FREE food is one of the incentives. And finally, sometimes money and family don't mix. I've had some issues in the past with my dad's side that I won't get into right now, but the last thing I want to do is get involved in the family business. Not trying to deal with any drama that could result. Aside from all that, I just got out of school. I want to be lazy for at least one week before doing more grueling work. Is it selfish of me to feel that way?

In any case, the biggest reason I haven't posted was because I hadn't unpacked yet, and my Internet wasn't up and running until today. I know, that's pretty trifiling to live out of your suitcases for almost a week but unpacking was a MAJOR job. I accumulated so much stuff at school that it would barely fit in my room when I got home. That boggles my mind.

Buuut, I know the last note we left on was about Mr. TA, right? Well, unfortunately, nothing happened on that end. Basically, because there simply wasn't time to go out. He and I both had conflicting schedules, and since I wouldn't be staying out there for the Summer, we just made a raincheck. I promised that I'd contact him if I was ever out there, which seemed unlikely at first, but now I actually have plans to visit a friend for her birthday soon. So, I guess we'll see what happens with Mr. TA...Or rather, Chris, now that grades are in.

Yes, grades are in and I don't wanna talk about it.

Anywhoo, I declined my grandmother's offer for the time being, so I'm happily unemployed for the moment. I know it's only a matter of time before I get bored out of my mind and take up her offer, but I can't just see myself going there yet. My older sister is working for her and already feeling the Weirdness. Ugh...But the point is, I'll have a lot of time on my hands, which means more time to blog! Now I can finally catch up with you guys! About time, caue I've been slacking in the blogging department.

Anyway, you guys will hear from me a lot sooner. I'm going to try to get in the habit of blogging daily again. Since I'm not working, it shouldn't be too hard, right?

FIN, bitches.

I am OFFICIALLY done with finals. Whoo! You guys can't imagine how good this feels right now. It's been a really tough year for me, and not just for academic reasons. When you're striving for new heights in a building with a six foot ceiling, you're going to bump your head a lot. Or else, get a crook in your neck.

Bad analogy?

Well, I get. I explained this before but, I've felt really trapped here. Not at my school, but at this God forsaken dorm that I'm at. It's adjacent to dorm I stayed in last year, while I was in deep with all my Ex bullshit. I always felt like, since I didn't choose to move far away (because I secretly wanted to still be close to him), I kept myself from literally moving on. This year has been a series of failed attempts to let go of old shit. Everytime I tried, I'd let him coax me back. Everytime I told him I never wanted to talk to him again, I'd run into that very day. Call me a weak bitch if you want, but sometimes you NEED space to get over someone. For three years I've been involved with this guy. Seeing him every single day, it was hard to ignore him.

It's really hard when your heart (and body, for that matter) doesn't do what your mind tells it to. I've been so over Ex. I've accepted that he'll never respect or love me the way I want him to. I've accepted that, it wasn't that he didn't want a girlfriend. He just didn't want me. I've accepted my mistakes and errors in the situation. And I've accepted that there's nothing I can do to change it. It is what it is: It just wasn't meant to be. But despite my realizations, I kept going back to him. To be completely frank, I wasn't strong enough to let the fact that, I knew he was no good for me override the fact that I had a sore spot for him deep down.

But now, we're both going our seperate ways. He's moving to an area where all the black folks go, and I'm moving to an obscure apartment where no one will know me. This means saying goodbye to most of the friends I've made here so far. Sounds extreme? I don't think so at all. I think it's just what I need. New surroundings, new people. I need to shake off everything that reminds me, not just of Ex, but my past self. There comes a time in a person's life where Change is absolutely necessary. Who I've been and who I want to be, dramatically differ...But I won't go into all of that again.

I'm just happy that I can finally break free from Ex. Like seriously, break that shit off because the chances of seeing him around have gone from 9/10 to 1/10. For the first time in two years, I'm getting the physical distance I need. say, I'm never going to talk to him again, I can mean that shit. Not chance of running into him this Summer or when I come back here in the Fall. No reason to smile politely or try to keep things civil, just for the sake of being neighbors. I can finally, and literally, move the fuck on.

On Second Thought...

Will you guys let me be irrationally neurotic for a minute?

Well, the overwhelming consensus seems to be that I should go for the date with Mr. TA. I am still a little apprehensive about it, not just because he's 8 years older than me, but also because he's still my TA. Grades aren't in yet, and this date could make or break me. What if he holds it against me if I don't accept? Truth be told, I'm boderlining something serious in this class. I'm trying not to think the worst (that he's trying to get a little somethin' somethin' in exchange for giving me a good grade) but you never know with people these days. And then too, I can't help but wonder why he's interested in me. He said he thinks I'm sexy. But what else? He's a TA to over 200 students. We've had a very impersonal teacher-student relationship, except for the time I contacted him letting him know about my "extenuating circumstances". So, all he knows about me is that I'm a former victim of Depression and that I suck at Geology. What are his motives? What's the appeal? Besides my boobs, that is.

At any rate, I realize that I my over cautiousness may not be just due to fear of rapage, but also due to fear of the unknown. I've never dated a white guy, anyone this much older, and I've never been asked out like this before. I'm a little nervous just because I don't know what to expect. But alas, I know I'm only over thinking the situation, and that it's just one date. I already replied to him, so we'll see what happens. I want somebody to commit to issuing an Amber Alert because if you guys don't hear from me in a week, it's probably because he kidnapped me. And if that happens, needless to say I'm blaming y'all. For realsies.

So today I got a couple of messages on Ok Cupid, that made me rethink my Internet dating idea.

I got a message from an admittedly married dude looking for a "fuck buddy". Instead of replying, I looked at his profile. When asked what were the top six things he couldn't live without he said:

pussy, money, guns, pussy, pussy.

Oh how I hate everything.

About a half hour later, I got a message from a 44 year old guy who condescendingly asked me why I was "stalking" him:

Listen, kid, this is like the second time I've seen you stalking me. You're cute and all, but what's up?

Okay....tell me a little about yourself, and if your nice maybe I'll introduce you to my nephew. He's a great kid and about your age.

By the way, what exactly do you mean by "open minded"? That's become another of those another of those nonsense phrases.

As I mentioned before, the site shows you your stalkers--people who lurk your page but never message. Well, this dude kept winding up in my matches, which made it look like I was going to his page, but I definitely wasn't. I had to set the record straight, informing him that:

Umm, seeing as you're older than my father, I can assure you that I definitely wasn't "stalking" you. For some reason you keep coming up in my Quickmatches. I can't for the life of me figure out why. But I just hid you from my match results so problem solved! Take care, sir.

To that he replied:

HA! Gal, you are a delight!!!

I always wondered why older guys like being insulted by younger gals. ::scratches head::

Finally, I received this message:

u r a q t. wat r u doin on this site?

After taking about 30 seconds to figure out that by "u r a q t" he meant "you are a cutie", I asked myself the same question: What am I doing on this site?

He's right, I am far too fly to be solicited by married men, male chauvinists, and guys incable of writing a complete sentence. In the real world, I don't have problem meeting guys. It's just when I get down here in the boondocks that it's hard to find a man (not a horny, immature, Weezy quoting college boy) who I think suits me. Maybe my decision to e-date was a bit hasty. I'll be back in Chicagoland by this time next week. If I don't get any prospects within the first few weeks home, then I'll consider online dating again (just for the sake of shaking things up). But in the meantime, I'm hanging up my e-bow & arrow.

Even though I've encountered enough douchebaggieness to last a lifetime today, I have to say that online dating does have a lot of blogging potential. I mean, where else can you meet a guy who openly divulges that he's never been circumcised? So, though I won't be an active member, I'm not going to delete my account. I'm thinking it's just what I need to bring me out of my writers block.

Sorry Cupid

Hey lovers.

First off, I just wanted to answer a few of your questions about my TA.

Yes, he is a He. But if he was a She, I'd be equally flattered. (Experience and Gem lol)

Yes, he's attractive. Not "hawt". But cute in a nerdy kind of way.

The funny thing about it is he made sure he waited until we didn't have anymore class sessions together before he sent the message. Maybe his logic was, if I turned him down, at least he wouldn't have to see me again. I found that kind of adorable.

I didn't turn him down though. I accepted his invitation the very same day, but I have yet to hear from him. Perhaps he thought that I was rejecting him because I only accepted his offer to study but not to just "get together"...Oops.

Anyway, I'm posting today because it'll likey be the last time I do for another week or so. Finals are officially here. Ugh. The insanity started yesterday. I somehow overlooked the fact that I had a paper due. In my haste to get home and start writing it, I fell and completely busted my shit and sprang my ankle. Now I'm forced to limp around campus in addition to having to write four papers of mammoth proportions in the span of four days. ::Sigh:: The Karma Police must be out to get me.

But my main reason for posting right now is to tattle on myself about something. Last December, I made a post called Sucks to Be Cupid. It was about how the internet is ruining traditional dating rituals, and the fact that I objected to any type of online match-making. Well people, I sold out and made an online profile. ::Covers face in shame::

I don't even know what made me do it. Maybe it was all the e-Harmony/Match.com advertisements that I kept subliminally seeing in my inbox. But one night I was just up procrastinating instead of studying, and then I suddenly Googled "Online Dating". Annnnd the rest is history.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think there's anything wrong with online dating. But there is something that feels a little last resort-ish about it. For me anyway. I mean, I'm young. Just 20 years old. And for some reason, I'm having a damn hard time finding anyone I'm compatible with in real life. A mere five months ago I was talking about how online dating was the devil, and now I'm doing it. I don't know, the shift makes me feel a little weird.

But I figure it doesn't hurt to look, right? I mean, I'm not using my real name or giving out any personal info. The whole thing seems a lot safer than Facebook dating, if you ask me. In any case, if I'm approached by one creepo too many, I can easily delete the profile and call it a day. But I have to say, so far it's been pretty cool. The site has a pretty comprehensive compatibility system that matches you with people who are really like you and...Oh God, I sound like an e-Harmony commercial, don't I? O.O

Well, I just joined two days ago and have already gotten over ten messages. They even have a "Stalker" page that shows you people who've looked at your page but never messaged you. There've been about fifty of those guys. Speaking of stalkers, I posted a link to my blog on my profile (don't ask me why). I've seen a dramatic spike in my stats from people in the Chicagoland area, so a big welcome to my new Stalkers who came by way of Ok Cupid! Say hi, blog fam ^.^

Anyway, I'm going to dive into my finals now. This may be the last time you hear about my online dating endeavors, unless something exciting happens. But something tells me it wasn't the smartest idea to plug my Love and Dating blog on a Dating site. Thinking about taking it down...

So, tell me guys: Would you ever consider online dating?

p.s.

Just wanted to say that as soon as I'm done with finals, I will be doing blog rounds. I know I have LOTS of catching up to do. Especially with you, QQ. Damn you and your exciting life.

xo,
bloggal

UPDATE

So, why did I just check my email and see this???

Sydney,

I'm sorry to say that I won't be able to meet with you this week. Things got a bit crazy with my thesis here. Sorry to have extended the offer, and then go back on it.

I would like to get together though. I'm not sure how I'm coming across in my email, but I think you're really sexy. =) Do you party? We could just hang and listen to some tunes or something. There's really no better way to get to know someone than by listening to their favorite album. I'm not even sure the interest is mutual, but I hope so.

And just to get it out of the way, I'm 28.

Lemme know,
Chris

OMG! Somebody tell me what to do!!! LOL

I'm a little scuuured now that I know he's 28 though...

Email From My TA

Hey Sydney,

Would you like to get together and study for the exam? Or just get together? =)

C***s

Umm, did my teacher just lowkey kinda sorta ask me out?

Summer of Love

First off, thank you to Ms. RAE for humoring me, and raising my following from a Meager 49 to a Fabulous 50 ::smiles:: In the grand scheme of things, I realize that 50 followers is the equivalent of half a grain of salt in the blogosphere, but I'm still happy. I don't need a bunch of Followers to feel important. I'm happy to know that at least a handful of people look forward to what I have to say.

You know what I'm looking forward to? My Summer, baby! This is my last week of classes and I couldn't be happier. I'm one of the very few students at my university who is lucky enough to not have final exams. I have major final projects and papers, but that beats cramming for tests anyday. I'm a TERRIBLE test taker. Now papers and essay? Right up my alley.

But back to my Summer. Big things planned. Lots of traveling. I think it's what I need. I haven't spent a Summer away from home yet, and I think this should be the first. I won't go into detail yet because nothing is set in stone. But I'll just say this should be an exciting, adventurous Summer. Can't wait =).

What are your plans for the Summer? Any vacations? Camps? Road trips?

5-0

You guys already know I'm weird so I'm not going to try and explain myself.  I'm kinda obsessive compulsive about things like this but um...Can one more person follow me so I can have a nice round number? I'm at 49 right now and it doesn't look right. 

Yeah. I said it doesn't look right.

Thanks lovers. 

xo, 

bloggal