Monday, December 1, 2008

iHate

Hate (2) Dictionary.com. To dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward.

Hater (1) Urban Dictionary. A person who feels anger and/or jealousy for someone who has succeeded in something they have worked hard for.


Everybody hates at some point in their lives. It's a natural emotion. I've been a hater once or twice, although only a benevolent sort of way (ahem...QQ...yep, still hating :o). No ill feelings or anything. But lately, I've been finding myself doing some real hardcore, megaloathing. What's worse is that I've been DOUBLE hating: being envious of someone who has something I want and abhoring their existence.

Okay, Hate is a strong word. I never use it. Especially not when referring to people. So, I take it back. I don't literally hate anybody. But....

iHate how he treated me.
iHate how I feel right now.
iHate how I felt before.
iHate what I see.
(iHate that I have to semi-censor this)
iHate that I'm the only one affected.
iHate that I know what he thinks I don't.
iHate that I hate.
iHate that I still care.
iHate that he can still make me cry.
iHate that I think about him.
iHate that I can't get away.
iHate that I can't get over it.
iHate that I can't move on.
iHate that I'm so bitter.
iHate that I can't get closure.
iHate that he doesn't care.
iHate that I wasn't enough.
iHate how hard I tried.
iHate that rejected me.
iHate that he lied to me.
iHate that he strung me along.
iHate how much I invested.
iHate how cynical I am now.
iHate how afraid I am of ever loving again.

**UPDATE** iHate that he always happens to check my blog whenever I write something about him. Freakin eerie man! lol.

iHate that I'm still dealing with my past. iHate that it seems like I'll never be able to forget it. iHate that everytime I start to, something or someone remindes me of it.

iHate it.

Hate. Ugh. So unlady like. So very unbecoming of me.

p.s.
I want an iPod. Feel free to buy me one.

17 comments:

clnmike said...

Lol, nothing wrong with that some things and people are well deserving of hate.

Latoya said...

i KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN CAUSE I GOT A LIST OF THINGS I HATE..LOL

Bloggal said...

@ clnmike: lol that's funny. yeah, some people do deserve to be hated. but in this case, it's just me letting my crazies show.

@ latoya: hahaha, whew. glad i'm not alone:)lol

karrie b. said...

awwww mannnnnnnn...this is how big used to make me feel

and it's easy to talk about it now, cause we're really good friends...but real talk, i needed to feel all that hate to realize that he was my most valuable teacher in the miseducation of love.

when he calls me i refer to him as "master teacher" and he gets mad hype...

that's besides the point...anywhoo, once you get over the resentment and hurt, you'll be able to thank him (maybe not to his face, cause who knows if you'll ever be friends) and know in the future what you DON'T wanna do with the next guy...make sense? hope it helps...

i think a little heartache and suffering wises you up and makes you more hip to things...maybe it's just me?

-kb

Qucifer said...

some peopel *ahemmotherfuckersreadingwithoutpermissionandstringingmybabychickalongwiththeirbscrumbsof"love"Cough***

TOTALLY deserve it, and you should be able to work through those emotions, and you still got my number CALL ME FIRST!


and lastly I would have Not Never guessed it was an Ipod you wanted for XXXmas what with the iHate and all LOLOLO


*hugs*

Skinny Black Girl said...

Co-sign Q's first sentence. A certain someone needs to get the eff over it. It's your life, your blog. Whomever doesn't like what they read, they always have the option of NOT READING.

Don't beat yourself up about how you feel. I used to fantasize about executing acts of violence on the guy who held my heart captive during college. (In particular, I loved imagining tripping him down a looooong flight of stairs. And when he got in a fight where he was pushed down a small flight, I hollered for days!) All of this is NATURAL. It hurts and it sucks, but trust me when I tell that you'll get through it. I had that same heartache and you see I'm all dangerously in love now. Lol. It's all a part of the process.

Jaded said...

Hey Bloggal! I too co-sign with Q's first sentence.

And that's all I have to say.

Dope Fiend said...

ay we're all entiutled to some hating from time to time especially when someone has wronged you. just dont let it get the best of you, dont let him be the man inbetween you and a new and potentially better man.

xoxo

loves! missed ya

LipstickOne said...

Christmas iiiiiissss coming....

lol

ummmm, you have to go through these emotions, you have to feel it...let it sink in and deal with it. and then when you think they're gone...nope...really not.

that's the way it is honeylove. and i'm sorry.

Bloggal said...

@ karrie b: thanks for the insight love. it makes complete sense. i do hope that one day soon i'll let go of the resentment so that i can really learn from my experiences with him. i don't know about ever callin him master teacher though. that'd be giving him a little too much credit lol.

@ qq: lmao @ that long ass runon sentence! this is why i love you heffa! i do indeed have your number. trust, i will be calling it!

heheh, iWas that obvious, huh?;-)

@ skinny babe: *sigh* this is true...but it's the price i have to pay for being a stubborn mofo and not changing my url.

"In particular, I loved imagining tripping him down a looooong flight of stairs."

you are OC for that one!!! lmao! i don't wish him any bodily harm, but i'd rather not see how his relationship is going, you know. like ugh, i don't wanna see that mess.

@ jaded: hey girly! it's been a while:) i know...i'm seriously considering changing the url...

@ dope fiend: don't worry, i'm making sure to get this bad energy out of my system before i persue anything serious with someone new. people bring enough baggage into relationships as it is.

@ nina: so true. love is never easy. just when you think you're over something, you're brought back to the realization that you're not. it does suck, but it's a part of progress. i guess...lol

Glo said...

Get it Q....

What else really needs to be said?

Bloggal said...

i know, right? QQ is boss.

Brothers Blog said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brothers Blog said...

i DON't think it's anything wrong with feeling like you do. When someone does you wrong those are natural feelings to have. Eventually you may forgive but not forget. I say until you get to that point hate on.

Muze said...

i think all these 'hateful' feelings are perfectly normal.

ihate a lot of things too, shit. lol.

love the ihate btw.

isee and ipod in your future. lol.

and tell that negro to not read if he dontwannaknow. stamped. lol.

Experience is the best teacher. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Experience is the best teacher. said...

Love this. I spent all day @ work conceptualizing my own version of iHate... b4 I even read this post tonight...

This is SO how I felt my Jr. Year of college!

From your posts, I've deduced that I DEFINITELY know what school you attend!

I had so much suppressed pain and pent-up frustration about my "ex" situation that I just was laying in bed with Mr. Right Now at the time, (he's more than that to me, actually, well, he was, but I'm trying to keep him in 2008) when I jumped up and said "I think I'm going back to counseling!" and I made an appointment and resumed counseling until I graduated.

I encourage you to check out the counseling center. I went my Jr. Year at the Alma Mater right after ending my "ex" situation cuz I couldn't understand why I couldn't keep from bursting into tears uncontrollably in public. I was given some psychology grad student who... basically wasted my time.

My Senior year, after addressing God and realizing that I wanted someone a little more tangible to speak to, I went back to the counseling center and requested an African American or a Woman... (I felt that the Black male I had the previous year could NOT understand what I was going through, and that's why I was still walking around campus in so much pain and fear!)

Ta-dah! Trumpets sound, angel wings flutter, and they delivered Carla into my lap. And I am so grateful to her for helping me to put many things from my relationship into perspective.

I know it hurts, babe. I've been there. I haven't quite gone far enough back to see if I can find the details of what happened, but I get a gist of it... I encourage you to go to the counseling center and make an appointment with Carla... She's awesome. Even if you just want someone to listen.

Also, I hope you got over your censorship thing b/c of that fool reading your blog. He really needs to get a life. If he has someone, why the HECK is he still concerned about what's going on in YOUR life... That's why my blog isn't listed on my fb profile, and if it WERE, mostly everyone is blocked and wouldn't be able to access my profile anyway!

(Hope I dont seem stalkerish trying to deduce your place of higher learning! lol. I just got excited as I was reading and looking at pics, thinking, "hey that sounds... LOOKS familiar... Those revamped dorm pics were a dead giveaway. They didn't look like that when I lived there, but they changed my Junior year! :-)

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