Wednesday, January 28, 2009

From Crushed to Crushing

When you manage to finally get out of toxic relationship that's taken a toll on your emotional health, the last thing you're ready to do is put your heart on the line again. At least that was true for me. For whatever reason, I couldn't seem toconnect with guys. Or better yet, I wouldn't connect with guys because I specialize in self-saboteur. It's a little thing I discovered about myself recently. Whenever there's something that I'm afraid/not ready to do, I somehow manage to convince myself that it was the worst possible idea ever conceived and I was certainly better off not pursuing said idea. Example? That night I went out, I had really convinced myself that partying was a terrible idea, and completely irresponsible this early in the semester. You should stay home and do homework! If you don't, you'll fall behind! is what I convinced myself of and actually believed it. But look how things turned out, I had a wonderful night with my girlfriends AND I managed to get ahead in my homework.

The same way I convinced myself that going out was a bad idea, I also convinced myself that there was no guy out there that I'd ever connect with again. Because I was afraid to even get that close to anyone again, I rationalized that nobody was out there for me. I was so fed up with meeting guys that I didn't connect with or feel any sparks toward, that I kind of gave up. I couldn't understand why guys never seemed to approach me, but the truth was, I was alienating myself. I didn't exude any desire to be approached, and so I wasn't. It may sound like I'm reading too much into myself but, I kid you not, the second I acknowledged the fact that I was subconciously sabotaging every chance I had with a guy, was the moment that opened up to the possibility of chemistry with someone. And you know what happened? I met a guy, and we sparked.

Yep, I've got a crush on someone! Well, I didn't actually "just" meet him. I met him last year, but we never talked like that before. I thought he was cute and nice, but I hadn't been open to anything with anyone so that didn't matter. But this guy could be anybody. I'm not so much excited about who I'm crushing on as I am about the fact that I'm crushing at all. It's been a really long time since I've had chemistry with a guy. Real chemistry that made me want to be around him. I've had about three semi-relationships since Ex and I broke up, but I didn't feel a connection with any of them because I wasn't ready to. They didn't give me butterflies, and I didn't get excited when I thought of them. I didn't even look forward to seeing or hearing from them. They were just rebounds that, though satisfying, were less than fulfilling. But this guy charmed me from the get go. Not charmed me in the a Lost-My-Better-Judgment kind of way. But in the Makes-Me-Feel-Giddy kind of way. I haven't had that in a long time.

So, whether or not this crush goes anywhere, I look at it as a milestone. The mere fact that I'm actually capable of getting excited about another guy shows that I'm slowly but surely letting go and moving on. Before, nobody compared to Ex. I couldn't imagine having the same feelings of passion and excitement with anyone but him. But the fact that there's a guy that makes me feel even a little giddy shows me that I'm ready, really ready, to date again. And maybe even, at some point, love again.

10 comments:

Miss Moody said...

That's exciting! I read your blogs and I get inspired. Currently, I am where you used to be(not connecting). So I guess with time, I'll have the desire to connect again.
Peace&&Blessings

Robin Monique said...

New boo on the horizon, huh? Sounds like fun!

Great to see you taking back your life! It can be very hard getting over a lost love, but once you get over that horizon? You just want to scream "I'M FREEEEE!!" I remember the day I finally realized I was over my Tormentor, I ran around singing Destiny's Child "Free" the entire day. "I got my mind back, I've been there and done that. Never lookin back, no! This time is for me. You've been doin you, I'm gon' me. I'm free!"

Whew... That took me back. I had a moment! Lol.

clnmike said...

Good luck.

Charles said...

I see you got new prospects...I'm more than happy for you. You should definitely give this a chance just to see where it could possibly go.

karrie b. said...

good for you darling. take your time.

-kb

Amber-Alert said...

UGH to toxic relationships!! good luck with the new guy!!

strangetimes said...

I am truly happy for you. Best of luck.

Qucifer said...

Crushes are fun, flirting even better, enjoy them!

Video Vix[o]n said...

glad to hear about your crush. hope something good happens with that. its refreshing to find someone new.

ANGELINA said...

yay for crushing! it takes time to move on to someone new and open your heart again, but i'm so happy you're getting there. good luck with the crush :)

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