Wednesday, January 7, 2009

It's Not Me, It's You

Yes, you read the title correctly.

I've been learning quite a bit about myself since I've been on break. I've been keeping to myself, staying warm, catching up with the fam. There have been a couple of instances where I've actually left the toasty confines of home and was romantically solicited. But I nipped it in the bud because, either they approached me in the "wrong way" or I just wasn't in the mood. And then remember Frenchie, my first boyfriend/foreign exchange student? Well, we had plans to get together. They kept falling through for whatever reason, so at one point, I gave up on him. I said, "We'll just catch up in the summer." And yesterday, he boarded his flight to Sweden...or Switzerland. Can't remember where.

The whole point of this little rant, is because I came to a few realizations about myself and why I'm single. I seem to have this strange notion that I'm perfect. That I do no wrong. That whenever a relationship goes to shit, it's always "his" fault. Truth be told, I'm probably somewhat responsible more than half the time. I just don't realize.

Now, here are my dating credentials (their a little outdated since I haven't been in a relationship in almost two years): Bright. Witty. Talented. Smart. Supportive. Passionate. Sexy. Sweet. Reserved. Attractive. Selfless. Compassionate. Empathic. Accommodating. Loving. Affectionate...and um, I throw down in the bedroom and kitchen. I'm perfect, right? lol

But no, I'm also a little crazy. And in the past, I haven't been quite able to hide my crazy. I show "him" (let's be clear that "he" is no one in particular just in case a former "he" is reading this) how jealous, obsessive, neurotic, and insecure I am. These are all things that, I admit, can be a smidge bit unattractive. But that's just in relationships. On the dating end, I'm alot more no-nonsense because of all the crap I've been through with Ex. So, I tend to sometimes make harsh, ego bruising comments just to let them know they they're not running shit. Or, I'll thwart a budding relationship when "he" does something that vaguely reminds me of a past failed relationship. I can also be a bit impatient, but that goes back to daddy issues. I tend to emotionally attach pretty quickly, and when I have this revelation, I do something like pick a fight with him so he won't know I really like him. See? Crrrazzzy.

Anyway, whole point is, I realize that it's not entirely the guy's fault when a relationship. I admit, I've got a hell of a lot of issues that emerge ONLY when a guy isn't on top of his game. Though it's a little hard to accept that I may have somehow sabotaged my past relationships, I know it's even more unrealistic to put the blame on "him"

So, I accept partial responsibility for the demise of my relationships. Though I know that "he" was always more to blame than I, I still played a hand in the my relationships ending catastrophically.

...but only, like, a really really small hand. 'Cause I'm semi-perfect and shit.


Anonymous said...

Ain't we all semi-perfect and ish? Lol.

I think it's good when you can acknowledge responsibility in the events of your life. It's so much easier to acknowledge your flaws and make accommodations for them than it is to constantly play the victim.

Yes, Grasshopper. You're coming along quite nicely! Lol.

Anonymous said...

Oh my precious! I swear I never see young adult ladies this grown and together with their shit:

Me? I'm a royal fuck up in regards to relationships, I cut people like POOF! off the face of the earth if I so much as feel any funk popping!

Tuotierugif >^..^<© said...

lmao @ "a really small hand" I think the majority of people in relationships have this outlook. I have to work on it too lol

karrie b. said...

regardless of your crazy, the right man is gonna love all your nonsense and be like "sitchoazzdown" and you're gonna do it. why? because you know you actin like you aint got no sense. since he loves you, he's gonna deal with your neuroses and love you unconditionally.

ME on the other hand, im a iono...thats why im getting a cat.


.AMBER. said...

lol i l0VE this blog.
its not me its you. haha thats priceless.

and i think im perfect too. i know i can be crazy but hell who isnt

and i agree with kb. you'll find the right one.

im in the 2 year single boat too!

strangetimes said...

Two years?!!?

Man, I feel for you. I've been feeling vexed and irritated because I've been single for all of six months.

I realize now that I have nothing to complain about.

Like Bloggal, I know enough about my quirks/flaws that I can be honest about them and want to change them.

I am stubborn, needy, naive, and too mild-mannered for my own good. I need to learn to be more assertive and self-confident.

My ex actually warned me more than once that I am too open with my feelings and I need to "protect" myself more. I don't know, maybe I should give it some thought. But I think I'm always going to be a dreamer at heart.

I can tell everybody this though. I will never, ever, ignore any red flags that pop up in an relationship again. One of the downfalls with my last gf was that when I saw things about her behaviour that gave me pause, I dismissed it or rationalized it away. "She's having a bad day. This will pass. She will mellow out or change".

LOL - That's not the case. If anything, the more comfortable someone gets with you, the more you are going to see things that will drive you nuts. You just have to ask yourself: "Can I live with this person when she is at her worst? Is she worth it?"

clnmike said...

That was a very mature assesment of your self.

Anonymous said...

there is nothing wrong with being alone and getting yourself together. in solitude we can build ourselves up to withstand even the most devastating of blows.

you are wise beyond your years. don't settle for bullshit unless its your own. and feel GOOD about yourself, the world is yours. all you have to do is claim it.

peace, cas

Mista Jaycee said...

Well, at least you admit it. Now, in a couple of years just look back and see your progress by then you will be in the love of your life and laugh.

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