It's Not Me, It's You

Yes, you read the title correctly.

I've been learning quite a bit about myself since I've been on break. I've been keeping to myself, staying warm, catching up with the fam. There have been a couple of instances where I've actually left the toasty confines of home and was romantically solicited. But I nipped it in the bud because, either they approached me in the "wrong way" or I just wasn't in the mood. And then remember Frenchie, my first boyfriend/foreign exchange student? Well, we had plans to get together. They kept falling through for whatever reason, so at one point, I gave up on him. I said, "We'll just catch up in the summer." And yesterday, he boarded his flight to Sweden...or Switzerland. Can't remember where.

The whole point of this little rant, is because I came to a few realizations about myself and why I'm single. I seem to have this strange notion that I'm perfect. That I do no wrong. That whenever a relationship goes to shit, it's always "his" fault. Truth be told, I'm probably somewhat responsible more than half the time. I just don't realize.

Now, here are my dating credentials (their a little outdated since I haven't been in a relationship in almost two years): Bright. Witty. Talented. Smart. Supportive. Passionate. Sexy. Sweet. Reserved. Attractive. Selfless. Compassionate. Empathic. Accommodating. Loving. Affectionate...and um, I throw down in the bedroom and kitchen. I'm perfect, right? lol

But no, I'm also a little crazy. And in the past, I haven't been quite able to hide my crazy. I show "him" (let's be clear that "he" is no one in particular just in case a former "he" is reading this) how jealous, obsessive, neurotic, and insecure I am. These are all things that, I admit, can be a smidge bit unattractive. But that's just in relationships. On the dating end, I'm alot more no-nonsense because of all the crap I've been through with Ex. So, I tend to sometimes make harsh, ego bruising comments just to let them know they they're not running shit. Or, I'll thwart a budding relationship when "he" does something that vaguely reminds me of a past failed relationship. I can also be a bit impatient, but that goes back to daddy issues. I tend to emotionally attach pretty quickly, and when I have this revelation, I do something like pick a fight with him so he won't know I really like him. See? Crrrazzzy.

Anyway, whole point is, I realize that it's not entirely the guy's fault when a relationship. I admit, I've got a hell of a lot of issues that emerge ONLY when a guy isn't on top of his game. Though it's a little hard to accept that I may have somehow sabotaged my past relationships, I know it's even more unrealistic to put the blame on "him"

So, I accept partial responsibility for the demise of my relationships. Though I know that "he" was always more to blame than I, I still played a hand in the my relationships ending catastrophically.

...but only, like, a really really small hand. 'Cause I'm semi-perfect and shit.