Friday, January 23, 2009

LADIES ONLY

Okay, I was avoiding this post as long as possible. I wanted to just pretend things were all well and good, which they really are in large part. But something that's been bothering me is starting to influence my writing. Or lack thereof. So, I figured I'd better out myself like Oprah did with her weight gain: I'm having a really really hard time getting over Ex.

I know what you're thinking: Um, duh, Bloggal. Just as obvious as that muffin top Oprah's been sporting before she announced it to the world, so is my difficulty moving on. So, why put it out there like it's some big secret? I guess it's because I feel like I'm lying to my blog, my readers. Like I'm trying to convince everyone, including myself, that I'm happy and at peace now that I've cut all ties with Ex. But the truth is, things aren't as peachy as they seem. I'm actually quite miserable. Okay, no. That's an exaggeration. I really am thankful for my current disposition. I have emotional stability for one, which is what I craved all along. But really, the only thing that's stable are thoughts of him. Ugh. Sad, isn't it? But it's true. I am heartsick. And the sooner I admit that, the sooner I can hopefully figure out how to get myself out of this mess.

As I mentioned earlier, I'm also "outting" myself because my dilemma has also been preventing me from blogging. Here's why: I'm trying my hardest to move/forget about Ex, right? Well, blogging primarily about love and relationships isn't exactly conducive to that, is it? Not to mention the fact that this blog has so much of our history on it. Sometimes writing here feels like I'm just perpetuating my love for him, which is why I've contemplated giving up this blog. Not giving up blogging in general, but this particular blog. Maybe a clean slate would help. I don't know. But that's a whole other issue. A whole other post...

Fact is, I'm tired of pretending to be happy. I know they say you've gotta fake it til you make it. But I've been faking it an awful long time. And I'm tired of it. What I want, is my own personal happiness. I admit, before, when I was far more disgruntled and bitter, I wanted revenge. Or, at least for him to feel the pain he caused me. But at this point, all I want is peace of mind. I want to be happy. Do you know, I pray for him at night? Yes, I actually pray for his happiness, protection, and prosperity in everything he does. I guess it's just my way of showing the Universe, God, that I don't feel any animosity towards him anymore. That I genuinely want him to be happy even if it's not with me. But, shit, I want to be happy too!

At this point, it's not even about having a significant other. I'm so damn selective that I've come to terms with the fact that I'm hard to please and will most likely be single until I die, if I don't slightly lower my standards and give any guy a chance. I think the only part of me that even wants a boyfriend is the part of me that's still in love with him. It's the part of me that wants a distraction, something to block those feelings out. Somewhere else to direct them. But in all actuality, I personally enjoy the lack of male bullshit in my life. While I would love to have a companion (and some consistent sex I can depend on) I'd be content single, happy even, if I could somehow lose the feelings I have for him. If there was some way for me to just...all of a sudden not love him anymore. I'm mentally ready to move on, dammit! But my heart won't let me.

We all like to believe that our situations are unique and new, but I know that somebody out there has been there and done that. So, I guess what I need from you (LADIES ONLY PLEASE...seriously, it's a girl thing) is some sound advice. A way to cope until I'm over him. But more importanly, some reassurance that someday I'll be over him. Someday, I'll be able to go a full 24 hours without him crossing my mind at least once...I know women who broke up with their men three years ago and have had zero contact with them since then and they still think of their exs daily. I practically see this guy only a daily basis (though he doesn't see me cause I'm constantly dodging), so is that something I have to expect? To be sprung on this dude for the next 5 years?

So, all the single ladies, veterans, yougin's, married, divorced, seasoned daters, female players, the heart breakers and heart broken-- everybody: please help me out here. I need your take on this, what you'd do or what you did when you were trying to let go of a past love. I need some advice on how to deal because I'm tired of faking it. I'm determined to stand my ground and not contact him because I know the satisfaction will be fleeting and temporary. But the desire to rekindle is very real, and I just need some advice on how to handle the temptation and the impulses. Because the very last thing I need to be doing is running back to him...

Sidenote: I know that there are quite a few family members and friends who somehow foudn their way to my blog. No offense to you guys, but I have one request if you insist on reading: Please don't try to talk to me about my posts. I write what I can't or rather, choose not to, express verbally. So, the last thing I want to do is talk about the things I write on here. If you don't mention anything I write about, and I'll pretend not to know your reading. Thanks:)

11 comments:

Miss Moody said...

Just like you pray for him and his happiness, pray for your own. Pray for PEACE. That's what I did. That's what I do. I don't think there is a real clear way to get over somebody. It just happens. You'll look up one day and realize that you haven't thought about him. Oh and WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! (and I don't mean blogging.)
Hope it helps :-)

Robin Monique said...

Writing definitely helps. Just get a journal and let it all out. It's easier to get over stuff when you've got a good outlet.

In my case, I faked it until I made it. Kept my pain in my notebooks and turned my swagger up 100%. In my case it was needed because my tormentor got off on seeing me in pain over him. I refused to give him the pleasure. Some time went by, and I didn't have to fake it anymore. I KNEW I was better than the way I allowed him to treat me and had no desire to go back.

karrie b. said...

extra curricular shit has helped me A LOT. like on thursdays after work, i play volleyball for a few hours and it def takes my mind off things.

i also find that the more im home alone, the more depressed i am. i sit for hourssssssssss staring @ the cracks in the walls and wallowing in my thoughts...not cool. find some shit to do on the weekends. have a sleepover with your friends. go to the movies. go to dinner. surround yourself with nothing but positivity.

thats all i got baby doll. hope it helps...

-kb

Anonymous said...

Yeah I say go out, hang out, work out, get in a club, And trust me Faking it is sometimes the only way also, as I told you before, there is no shame on running away from horibleness so you DON'T have to be extra nice and extra gracious or none of that shit, you pray for YOU and your personal happiness and your peace of mind, always always always take care of yourself, your health make sure you're always pretty well put together with the undies you like, smelling and all that good shit, because looking good is going to feel good to YOU and make you put your best foot/energies forward, is what dull the ugly and sad feelings,I can't tell you it' be any easier than that cause you know me and I'm not a bullshitter nor an optimist, is hard ass work to deal with our tender little girl hearts and then consequences of opening it up to assholes

Most importantly I'd try the journal idea or I won't even begrudge you the clean slate approach, because you need to do whatever will feel good to you, and most organic, for one, and for seconds it just rankles me to no end that we'd get any pleasure of reading on your personal thoughts and journey, inconsiderate undeserving cocksucker that he is


Now seriously here is a *hug* , my number which you have always an open door policy to and sign up for something club-by/ activity/ big sisterly already!! Taking the focus off of you... well LOL TAKES THE FOCUS OFF OF YOU! LOLOLOLo

Qucifer said...

Um WTF That was Your QQ Mom As always

antithesis said...

ok so i kinda know what you're going through. i hate when people say "i know exactly..." because that's not true. but i've been through something similar. unfortunately, it's time. im sure you've heard it but it's really true and it sucks that you cant just fast-foward life but time is really the key factor. i cant even tell you how much time. it took me like 2 years and im still not completely over it. im over it enough that i no longer think about it every single day and im able to start new relationships.

the other part of it is that life is on some crazy cycle and clearly you're at a point where a relationship is not viable for you but at some point, your world will spin around and you'll be relationship-ready and the opportunity will present itself. i know for me, i felt like i needed to be in control of that flipping but the reality is, we can choose which side of the coin we're on.

now to take my own insight and advice...

Bloggal said...

Ms. Moody: Thank you, sweety, for your awesome advice. I know you've been going through a similar situation with your Ex. I see so much of myself in you, girl.

Robin: Sigh...I guess you do have to fake it sometimes, huh? I think I've just been faking it in a really unconvincing way.

Kare-Bear: This is definitely the key! Now that I live alone, I have to really force myself out of my room or else I will definitely feel the pangs of loneliness. Ugh. It's the worse feeling to be home alone on a Saturday night.

Q-Bear: LOL, I love what a self indulgent woman you are. You ALWAYS come first in your book and that's something I definitely ought to keep in mind. Thanks!

Antithesis: Time...yes. I know it takes time. I guess I'm just frustrated because of where I'm at mentally. I've given up on the whole prospect of ever being with him, but my heart didn't get the memo. It somehow stays hopeful...It's funny how easy it is to tell someone what to do when we can't even do it ourselves. But the that's just how it is.

Jaded said...

No advice but thanks for writing this...cause now I don't. I'll just read your comments and hope to gain some insight.

Jaded said...

Quicifer's advice was REALLY good.

Glo said...

As usual your girls brought it. Nothing I could say, would be any better that what they've said. What I do want to add, is that you WILL be over him. You WILL NOT have those sprung type feelings forever.

that is all.

Oh, and I ♥ you long time.

Experience is the best teacher. said...

Awwww. Well, I agree that only time will tell. I'd advise you not to date, b/c as long as you're still in love, you'll still compare other guys to him. Just take the time to learn more about yourself.

I'm over the ex I was in love with. Like I don't want to be with him at all ever, but since he hurt me and had a significant impact on the way I view the world now, I still think about it every day, even if I don't DWELL on it. I sought therapy, b/c I didn't understand why a year and two years later I was still hurting. Now, I'm not like in PAIN anymore. I've given it to God. But I recognize the impact that it had, and I don't downplay it in my life. I just live my life. And that's what you need to do. Live your life and live every moment making yourself happy, cuz that's all that matters. :-)

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