Sunday, October 26, 2008

Crazy-Bitch Blurbs

I love my museum job. I was made for it. To some people, standing in a quiet art gallery for hours could be the most boring occupation imaginable, but not to me. After all the hustle and bustle of the work week, it's a nice slow down. Since I'm in there for eight hours, there's no rush. I can clear my head and think for as long as I need to. It's usually a good thing, as it gives me time to reflect on things I've repressed for the past week. But this weekend, all I could think about was what I said I wouldn't talk about. More specifically, who I said I wouldn't talk about. I made a promise, and I'll keep it. But before I can keep it, I've got to rant for a minute lol.

*So I've been thinking about him alot lately. I could say it's due to what recently happened. Or because I recently had sex with him. Or because I'm currently off the market, and I have the tendency to think about him when no one else is in the picture. Maybe it's a combination of all of these things, because whatever it is, I can't stop thinking about him. And it's driving me crazy. I've learned to control my impulses, so I don't act on the thought of texting/calling him everytime he pops into my mind. But the thoughts still occur as frequently as the did before, when I was in the midst of my situation with him. And I can't quite figure out why. I guess that's my Big question: Why now? Why, after all this time, can't I get him out of my head?

*It makes me think of that episode of Sex and the City, when Charlotte talks about Great Loves. Ex was mine--the "one that shook me to my very core. The one that, after which I was never the same..." Yep, that's him. But, I thought that you were supposed to eventually move on. Get over the Great Love. I feel like I'm over him, but something still remains and I don't quite know what to call it.

*"Don't look back at a new direction/I loved you once, needed protection/You're still a part of everything I do/You're on my heart just like a tattoo."

I loathe this song for some reason but it's true.

*I saw him with his girlfriend together at lunch before I went to work today. No matter how much time goes by, it shakes my system everytime. They were sitting at a table and I was looking for one. I made momentary eye contact with his girlfriend before I realized it was her. I stole a glance at him. He gave me a barely detectable pinky wave, I gave him my "well whadduya know" smile, and made my getaway. The tension was palpable, as it always is. At least my hair was on point today lol. It sucks to run into your ex and his new girl while you're looking like a wreck. Anyway, I thought I wasn't fazed by it until I realized I was shaking almost uncontrollably when I attempted to serve myself from the salad bar (croutons all over the place, hot ass mess lol). But what's with that??? How is that still my reaction seeing them together after allllll this time?

*It's kind of pathetic that I still even care. I mean, it's clear that he doesn't anymore. And he shouldn't. Normal people move on, and that's what he did. But there's something inside of me that can't--won't--let go. As much as I want to...

I used to think it was about closure. But it isn't. I got closure a long time ago. Sometimes I think maybe I am still in love with him but I don't know it. Other times, I think it's my romanticized idea of the First Love. You know the way it works in the movies. You date...break up for three years...and then you realize that you couldn't find anyone better than your first and so you marry them. Maybe I've watched Sex and the City the movie one time too many lol. The fairy tale ending doesn't look like it's in the cards for me and Ex. He and his girl are never breaking up. I'm sure of it. They have their petty fights but they get each other...

*Ugh, I just hate that they're together. I might bitch about him and say mean things about her, but what it comes down to is, I can't stand that he's with her! I can't stand that he's being the boyfriend I wanted him to be, with her. I can't stand that there's just something about them It doesn't hurt me the way it used to. It's not the pain in my heart that it used to be. It's the rock in my shoe that just irritates me. So, maybe it's not him. Maybe it's not them. I think it's HER. SHE'S the one that he left me for. SHE'S the one that he cared for more than me. SHE is the constant reminder of what I went through to try and be with him. If it was anybody else, I could take it. I'm not opposed to seeing him with someone new. In fact, I'd prefer it. I think it would make our friendship better. But it's her. It's still her...I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!

...And with that, the Crazy-Bitch Rant has reached its conclusion lol.

But seriosuly, we officially broke up over a year ago. They've been together about as long as we've been apart. And I'm still on this bullshit. Somebody please talk some sense into me lol.


Jaded said...

Hey Girl! Moan and groan all you want. It's good to evaluate why you feel the way you do!

Anonymous said...

Sigh! Love is hard. Getting over the first one is the worst. Remember the post where you were focused on you? Instead of telling your brain "not" to think about him. Instead tell your brain to "think about you." The more you focus on yourself and loving your life as it is, the pain will go away. Slowly but surely.

clnmike said...

It's only a year, it took me three years and half the booze on the planet before I could shake off mine.

Bloggal said...

@ jaded: thanks for understanding lol

@ skinny: i hear you on's just that sometimes those thoughts overpower the positive affirmations and i get like this...ugh. i think it's just a phase. i'll get over it soon.

@ clnmike: three years? damn. i don't think i can deal with much more of this, let alone three years lol.

Teems said...

yes girl its natural. I had that person. For me it was nothing but the "romanticized idea of the First Love". Now that I think of it, I had just started watching SATC when I got with him. lol

I "moved on" long ago....always wondering If I'd ever make my way back to him. nah. Yea, it took me way more than a year. You really have to focus on you and keep your eyes open to any opportunities of new love. It will eventually get you out of the "so sick of love songs" phase. ;-)

Bloggal said...

@ teems: thanks for the insight girly! it helps to know that this struggle is normal lol.

Jayne Dough said...

sigh. i so understand what your going through. its hard to see somebody u like with someone else. it doesnt make any sense. but give it a hair flip and proceed to the next

Experience is the best teacher. said...

OMG, GIRL! The last two large paragraphs... GET THE PHUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!

I so felt like that... I STILL felt affected a year later. Seeing them made me.... idk, but I've had my shaking fits, etc... I can tell you this, though. You're WAY more mature than I was at the time. I couldn't even speak to him... Eye contact? NO WAY!

I'm proud of you for that, hun!

Oh... And today was one of my bad days where I actually entertain the thoughts of "Why Her" (Monica) and "Is She The Reason" (Destiny's Child... And it's just now coming up on the second year anniversary of our "breakup" Babe... If you truly loved him, it just may hurt for a WHILE. Carla (you might have to read a couple of my comments to find out who she is, if this is the first you're reading) told me that I'd have my days, but not to beat myself up about it... You can't help but think about something that means so much to you... Eventually, those feelings will dull (I'm there) and pass (I'm hoping to get there)

Peace and Blessings

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