I love my museum job. I was made for it. To some people, standing in a quiet art gallery for hours could be the most boring occupation imaginable, but not to me. After all the hustle and bustle of the work week, it's a nice slow down. Since I'm in there for eight hours, there's no rush. I can clear my head and think for as long as I need to. It's usually a good thing, as it gives me time to reflect on things I've repressed for the past week. But this weekend, all I could think about was what I said I wouldn't talk about. More specifically, who I said I wouldn't talk about. I made a promise, and I'll keep it. But before I can keep it, I've got to rant for a minute lol.
*So I've been thinking about him alot lately. I could say it's due to what recently happened. Or because I recently had sex with him. Or because I'm currently off the market, and I have the tendency to think about him when no one else is in the picture. Maybe it's a combination of all of these things, because whatever it is, I can't stop thinking about him. And it's driving me crazy. I've learned to control my impulses, so I don't act on the thought of texting/calling him everytime he pops into my mind. But the thoughts still occur as frequently as the did before, when I was in the midst of my situation with him. And I can't quite figure out why. I guess that's my Big question: Why now? Why, after all this time, can't I get him out of my head?
*It makes me think of that episode of Sex and the City, when Charlotte talks about Great Loves. Ex was mine--the "one that shook me to my very core. The one that, after which I was never the same..." Yep, that's him. But, I thought that you were supposed to eventually move on. Get over the Great Love. I feel like I'm over him, but something still remains and I don't quite know what to call it.
*"Don't look back at a new direction/I loved you once, needed protection/You're still a part of everything I do/You're on my heart just like a tattoo."
I loathe this song for some reason but it's true.
*I saw him with his girlfriend together at lunch before I went to work today. No matter how much time goes by, it shakes my system everytime. They were sitting at a table and I was looking for one. I made momentary eye contact with his girlfriend before I realized it was her. I stole a glance at him. He gave me a barely detectable pinky wave, I gave him my "well whadduya know" smile, and made my getaway. The tension was palpable, as it always is. At least my hair was on point today lol. It sucks to run into your ex and his new girl while you're looking like a wreck. Anyway, I thought I wasn't fazed by it until I realized I was shaking almost uncontrollably when I attempted to serve myself from the salad bar (croutons all over the place, hot ass mess lol). But what's with that??? How is that still my reaction seeing them together after allllll this time?
*It's kind of pathetic that I still even care. I mean, it's clear that he doesn't anymore. And he shouldn't. Normal people move on, and that's what he did. But there's something inside of me that can't--won't--let go. As much as I want to...
I used to think it was about closure. But it isn't. I got closure a long time ago. Sometimes I think maybe I am still in love with him but I don't know it. Other times, I think it's my romanticized idea of the First Love. You know the way it works in the movies. You date...break up...date...break up...date...break up for three years...and then you realize that you couldn't find anyone better than your first and so you marry them. Maybe I've watched Sex and the City the movie one time too many lol. The fairy tale ending doesn't look like it's in the cards for me and Ex. He and his girl are never breaking up. I'm sure of it. They have their petty fights but they get each other...
*Ugh, I just hate that they're together. I might bitch about him and say mean things about her, but what it comes down to is, I can't stand that he's with her! I can't stand that he's being the boyfriend I wanted him to be, with her. I can't stand that there's just something about them that...works. It doesn't hurt me the way it used to. It's not the pain in my heart that it used to be. It's the rock in my shoe that just irritates me. So, maybe it's not him. Maybe it's not them. I think it's HER. SHE'S the one that he left me for. SHE'S the one that he cared for more than me. SHE is the constant reminder of what I went through to try and be with him. If it was anybody else, I could take it. I'm not opposed to seeing him with someone new. In fact, I'd prefer it. I think it would make our friendship better. But it's her. It's still her...I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!
...And with that, the Crazy-Bitch Rant has reached its conclusion lol.
But seriosuly, we officially broke up over a year ago. They've been together about as long as we've been apart. And I'm still on this bullshit. Somebody please talk some sense into me lol.