Friday, October 17, 2008

Me, Myself, and I.

It's a Friday night. Everyone's either at a frat party, the movies, the Homingcoming of another university, or they're caking with their boos. What am I doing on this lovely Friday evening, you may ask? Having myself a Scrubs marathon (God, that show is hilare!). Who am I watching it with? Me, myself, and I. And I'm absolutely having a ball.

I'm so content right now, I can't even begin to explain it...Okay okay, I'll try lol.

For the past year, I've been in search of something. Or someone, rather. I've been so afraid to be alone that I've bounced from one dysfunctional relationship to another. I've settled for momentary satisfaction, even though I knew that it would only be a matter of time before it went sour. And when it did go sour, yeah, it hurt. Bad. Each time, it bruised my ego, but not long enough for me to jump right in with someone else within a matter of weeks. All the while, hurting myself with each rejection. Each sacrifice I made in vain.

There were moments in between when I tried to accept being single. I'd adopt this "I'm too good for you anyway" attitude so that I wouldn't feel like I was missing out. But even though I tried, I couldn't convince myself of it. I didn't feel like I was too good for anyone. I felt like I wasn't good enough. Why was I not good enough? I wanted a boyfriend, someone to love me so badly. And I felt a void because I didn't have it. Thus, the vicious cycle.

Seriously, there must've been a shift in the universe because something changed in me a few days ago. I don't know if it was the conclusion of my midterms, or the fact that my best friend had an abortion, or because of the run in I had with my Ex (yeah, I still have to fill you in on last weekend lol). But for the first time in my life, since being out of a relationship, I'm actually happy being single. It's been a long time coming, but I now I get it. I've learned from my dating mishaps that it is me. Not that there's something wrong with me, but that I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. That's why it always ends so badly. Instead of looking in everyone else, I need to look within myself. Sometimes it takes a while for me to learn my lesson. It takes a couple of bumps on the head for me to get it. Now I finally do.

It's not about being "good enough" for anyone. It's about being myself, and that should be good enough for me.

It's not about having someone love me. It's about loving myself above anyone else.

It's not about accepting my singldome. It's about embracing it, and getting to know myself.

....Notice the trend?

It's all about me now. I'm done looking for myself in everyone else. I don't need anyone in my life other than my family and friends right now. And I say that without an ounce of animosity or bitterness. I'm not on an anti-love campaign or anything like that. This isn't a resignation or a surrender to the hardships it. I'm not even giving up on it. Ever. This is just a realization. I've been chasing love for so long that I've lost myself. And I want to find me again. I've been through the minefield and I know what it's like. Now I want to know what I'm like.

I'm a single. And I'm okay with that. No, scratch that. I'm single. And I'm happy with that.

Now, please excuse me while I get back to my Zach Braff/White Boy With the Juicy Lips marathon.

5 comments:

Qucifer said...

I adore scrubs... the other thing that always makes me laugh HARD in spite of myself: Everybody loves Raymond!... I don't even know why but I stay acting like I hate it and shit

Another thing I love: It's not about having someone love me. It's about loving myself above anyone else.

It's not about accepting my singldome. It's about embracing it, and getting to know myself.


Truer words haven't been spoken... is called "you are growing up and enjoying (rather than enduring) the pleasure of your own company, believe you me that makes you SO much more attractive and well rounded and a better person to be paired up... when you choose to

Qucifer said...

Aw Babe, As I told you in my post, the reason why I love to read up on you and come and offer you my take is: You are a very mature AND growing girl that is also smart, learns from her mistakes, takes advice not from a sense of insecurity but affirmation of your gut feelings and you ARE doing good even when you are sitting there flipping out and such.

This is an age of discovering yourself, fucking up a little bit, dust off, try again with the knowledge you now have etc etc so If I can steer you into enjoying yourself, discovering your best qualities, being assertive, having safe fun and the such, Then I've done my job! LOLOLOLOLO


Plus I'm a nosy, opinionated bitch

n0days0ff said...

you sound like you are in a good place in your life.i wish you well through the holiday season cause thats when it always seem loneliest.youll always have the blog fam :)

Skinny Black Girl said...

Awww!

Proud of you girly. You're definitely on the right track!

Gwen said...

heyye!

just happen to drop at your blog and saw this entry. =) im definitely feeling happy for you to pull yourself up after so many break-ups. =)
just keep on feeling this great yea? =)

anyway, im from singapore! =D

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