Thursday, October 23, 2008

Retraction.

I think we can all agree to an extent that the people we are on our blogs aren't exactly the same people we are in real life. GLO, I know you wouldn't be cursin' up a storm in the work place the way you do on your blog. Same with you, Jaded. And Q, you'd never call Talky Bitch that to her face. And Karrie, you wouldn't--well, nevermind. I forgot you're the girl who said "cunt" to her own momma lol...The whole point is, we all take safety and solace in knowing that no one in the "real" world reads our blogs. It's like leading a double life; sometimes we're a litte two-faced. We say shit we wouldn't normally say. We talk about people we wouldn't normal talk about. As writers, we allow our creative juices to flow and we sometimes embellish a little. I know I do. Which is why...

I am abosolutely mortified.




Earlier today, I made a post about Ex and I having sex on Homecoming weekend (yes, I'm still a homewrecker, but judge me later). If you haven't read it already you'll never get a chance to because I deleted it. As much as it killed me to--because that post took a good hour to write--I did it by request. Yes dear readers, say hello to Ex because he is reading right now.


He called me about an hour ago and we had a nice long chat. Turns out he read my blog through and through pretty much--from it's hellish beginnings up until now. He told me he was hurt by the things that I said about him and I can understand why. This blog is basically built on a story of heartbreak and pain that was the result of a relationship with him, therefore, alot of the times I mentioned him I may have said some less than benevolent words. He feels like I've portrayed him as an asshole, a sex fiend, a liar, and a cheater. I didn't think that was true until I read through the posts myself and realized that the majority of the things I've said about Ex were negative. The truth is, while he and I do still have our differences, we are friends today. And I admit, it is a bit unfair of me to only write about the bad things he's done. So, Ex, consider this an apology and a retraction, among other things.



Now ladies, I know you may not be crazy about the fact that I'm issuing this public apology, but I'm doing it because I think it's necessary. I admitly have said some very harsh things about Ex, and I can understand why he's hurt. If I hated him like my writing on here implies, than my behavior towards him should reflect that. But it doesn't because I don't hate him, which is why it came as such a surpise/disappointment for him to read the things I've said about him. It's not so much the old slander that bothered him as it was the recent stuff. Things I've said when we were supposedly "cool". So readers, please excuse me now while I kiss my ex's ass. Feel free to stop reading.


Here's the real truth:



Ex and I are on good terms right now. Well we were before this. While I do have some risidual feelings for him, I am for the most part over our little love triangle. I do at times secretly miss him but it all passes before the end of the day. That said, if I ever gave the impression that he is a total jerk, it was false. Everything I write here is based on my real life experiences. I write as things happen to me, but as a writer, I do exaggerate for the sake of narrative. Don't get me wrong, nothing I write here is fabricated or untrue, but I do embellish sometimes. And these little embellishments can mean the difference between Ex simply seemingly lile a heartbreaker versus him seeming like the Devil. So, although Ex may come off as an asshole from my writing, he's isn't. My post from earlier today was extremely one sided, so I know he looked like a big man whore. He's not though. He's human and makes mistakes, and it was kind of grimy of me to only point out (and exaggerate) his flaws. In spite of his mistakes and everything I went through with him, he really is a nice guy. Seriously.



I know what you're probably thinking, Ex. Bullshit. Total bullshit. But it's true. I do think you're a nice guy. And I know you're wondering why I'd write these things if I didn't hate you. Yeah, you broke my heart, but if I'm as "over" as I say, than my writing needs to reflect that, right? Mmhmm, there-in lies the problem. I am still just a little bitter. It is hard to accept that you and her are still together, even after alllllll this time gone by. If you really did read my blog as thoroughly as you said, you probably remember reading this:


He does the sweet boyfriend things that I always wanted him to do when we were together...How can I not take it personally. Everything I always wanted from him, he can do for her. I think that's the real reason we can't be friends. I'll always resent him. She's a constant reminder that I wasn't good enough for him. That it wasn't that he couldn't commit. It was that he wasn't willing to commit to ME. For a long time I wondered, why her? But now I know the real question is, why not me?

So, I admit. There is still a little animosity there. And it might occasionally leak out in my posts. But, I really do sincerely apologize for hurting your feelings and being that two-faced little bitch we all know and hate. No matter what you've read hear, I do still care for you and I considered you that friend I could call on if I ever needed to, even if we didn't talk daily....I do still love you, Ex. Even though I'm not "in love" with you anymore, you're still a person that I hold near and dear to my heart. And I'm terribly sorry that I've hurt you and betrayed your trust. I TOTALLY understand if you never confide in me again, but I just want you to know that I don't hate you. I still deeply care for you and I still think you're one of the coolest people I know. Yes, despite all that bullshit. And I'm sorry that you had to see this blog because I know it doesn't reflect that...

But seriously, Ex is not just my ex. Nor is he an asshole, a sex fiend, a liar, or a cheater. He's my friend. And I guess that makes me a bad friend for making him out to be the villain all the time....And, I guess that also means I should stop bitching about the past and just get over it, right?

Right....

UPDATE: Please take my poll--> Thanks:)

14 comments:

Camila said...

Been here, done...Ehh, I modified the steps.

I had an "Ex" who "came across" my blog. And I portrayed him exactly the way you did...but honestly, it was because of the feelings I felt at THAT time. At that moment in my life. He seemed to be the things I wanted him to be at that moment, I wanted him to be more than just a FWB.

And love IS blind...and so is lust.

Nonetheless, you're a bigger person than I am...because even though I did issue a personal apology, I shut down the blog. Him and I aren't even friends anymore, sadly.

HOWEVER, I do believe you should change your blog's URL simply because now that Ex knows about THIS, the fact that you know that he knows may reform or change your ways of writing.

At least that's me. I'd format it into a nicer way. Hell, I'd just delete the damn thing. But that's because I'm a full-grown pussy.

Just remember, this is YOUR blog and you don't have to feel sorry or change what you've said just because someone else didn't like it. Unfortunately, in these cases, they have trouble understanding that we write certain things because that's how we felt at the moment in time...not necessarily now.

[A good point my "Ex" made to me was that if I was feeling those ways, why not just tell him? Where's the communication? But then, psssssssh...do you really think I'ma set myself up like that? Put myself out there? Nah, nigga. I'd rather fight with my silence and torture because I'm a prideful bitch. He had a point and I take it, but I'm stubborn as well....

But damn him if he didn't have a point.]

So go on, girl...and do what's best for you. Just don't go formattin' or changin' your ways for others. Because it's your blog and YOUR feelings. And this is your venting space.

I'm done preaching. Muah.

Kiss. Kiss.
Camila.

Bloggal said...

Really, you deleted your blog??? I could NEVER lol. I admit, once upon a time, this would've definitely had me hysterical and shit, but not now. I'm mostly just remorseful about bad mouthing him...and kind of embarassed. It's like my diary being raped, you know? But I'll get over it because this IS a public blog so...

I'm kind of torn about changing the url because I don't want to lose my readers, the few that I have. He was actually the one that requested me to change it because he didn't want to read it all the time, but I don't know...It would probably be awkward knowing that he could be reading at first, but I'd eventually get used to it. Haven't decided what to do yet. We'll see what the polls say.

Gotta Let it Out said...

Hey babes… well, this is quite the pickle to be in. I agree with you on a number of levels here. First level being, you’re damn right, I’d never cuss and say how much I hate white people in my place of business. Secondly, your blog is your place of solace…it’s a place where you can feel uninhibited, uncensored, and where you’re unstoppable. I don’t think that you necessarily embellished the things you said about the Ex. I think you were truly hurt by him at the time, so the “devil like appearance” was totally valid and accurate to you. It happens… we all say shit, that we don’t feel is true 24hrs a day but at that present time, as dramatic as we wanna be, that shit is true. Remember when I blogged about my dudes sisters and how much I hated them whores? Well, I don’t hate them 24hrs a day… the youngest is actually pretty tolerable. I don’t think me saying about much I hate them in my blog is an embellishment though… it’s just how I was feeling. I’m rambling…

My point is that, I commend you on apologizing to him for hurting his feelings. I know you must truly value the friendship you have with him, for you to totally put it out there like that. So good for you babe. You show us all the time, that you are so much wiser beyond your years. However, I will chime in and say that, I do believe you should change your URL. If not, you’re gonna feel censored just knowing that he’s reading your innermost thoughts. You can keep your current readers by having us post our email addresses when you announce your move, and then sending us the new address.

Also- my cousin who’s a minister found my blog a couple of months ago. I nearly cried… I was so embarrassed. But she eventually stopped reading (after I black mailed her) and now I watch my tracker (hint hint) to know if she’s stumbled back on it. Thus far she hasn’t, but if she does, I’d probably take your route and change my url. As anonymous as my blog is, you’d think I’d be totally covered right? wrong… this blogging shit is a cold game.

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

never took u as a home wrecker - dang and adultress, least u can never complain if it happens to u

and i am basicllyas i am on my blogs, in my books, when i teach, and even write like i talk

have a great weekend folk

Jaded said...

Hey Bloggal.
Um...I actually do be cussin' up a storm in real life. In fact I censor myself on my blog so noone knows JUST how crass I am. lol. (totally not kidding).

Anyway, I'm all for issuing public apologies when they are deserved and obviously EX has good qualities (because I mean really...) but all those feelings that you typed out, well they were true at the time you felt them.

I don't know Bloggal...then again...I don't know much. lol

Gotta Let it Out said...

^^ Jaded crass? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

LOL

We're all crass dear... that's why we blog. LMAO

Bloggal said...

@ GLO: thank you so much for getting that! it was hard for me to explain to him that the things i wrote were usually out of anger and not ALWAYS true. but i can understand why because he read all my harsh hateful words in one sitting. not cool.

i think i will go ahead and change the url soon because i already do feel a little weird knowing that he can access my past posts at anytime...and what about this tracker you speak of, where does one find this? lol

@ torrance: adultress? i'm not married and niether is he so i'm not so sure that turn applies lol...i'm not USUALLY a homewrecker. this was more of a slip up. don't plan on it happening again anytime soon because i do know what it feels like to be cheated on as well. so yes, shame on me.

@ jaded: lol you're too funny...and too right. i guess the things i said were true when i said it and i can't deny them. no matter how harsh it all came out...ugh, i feel so fuggin bad.

karrie b. said...

"And Karrie, you wouldn't--well, nevermind. I forgot you're the girl who said "cunt" to her own momma lol"

true dat.

but urmmmm...change the URL ASAPPPPPPP.

i'm Karrie, so of course you know i have a "Big", right? anywhoo, my Big is a rapper currently signed to interscope, and currently on the new cover of XXL. (i'll message u on fb)...but he reads my blog and picks it apart. I HATE IT. and so does another one of my exes. believe it or not, i'm reallyyyyyyyy censored. like, really. there's a lot that i cant say about him because he's such a public figure. anywhoo, change the URL to avoid a situation later.

-KB

karrie b. said...

change it NOW heffa!

-KB

Qucifer said...

Honestly! I don't fault you, people need to stop being nosy and such.. that would go a long fucking way especially if their hands are not clean


Also You'd BE surprised of the things I do say to people's faces, how I cuss at work (my boss , our clients), why yesterday I did call Pasty That to his face and all, Like Jaded I TRY to keep it classy in the blog!... But yeah It's a sticky bun, only one of those close to me KNOWS about my blogs and its for a reason, I want to be unfiltered in MY emotions, and MY view of things

and that's the thing you were being UNFILTERED and REAL about how you felt in a situation and I don't feel you should apologize for that although I appreciate your growth, i mean

After all: You were hurt, He did act like an ass and you didn't invite him to read on...

BUT then again when I chunk a dude the deuce... By Golly they could die and I wouldn't know it, when I'm done, I'm so very done

karrie b. said...

**punches QQ in the liver for saying "by golly"**

Skinny Black Girl said...

Ok. I could see if you wrote his name all up and through here, but we don't know who the hell dude is.

Also, your stories reflecting what you felt at the time.

This is YOUR spot. Nobody else's. You can DO YOU here. And if you at the time is a two-faced so and so then so be it. The fact of the matter is that you use this blog to vent and help you to get over situations. How you handle your emotions is your business, because at the end of the day, nobody is going to suffer from any pent up emotions but you.

Not to be all "screw him," but I'm just saying. Relationships are complicated from all sides and we get through it the best way we know how. Don't let anyone fault you for your methods.

Bloggal said...

@ karrie: wow, that sucks...i thought i'd be able to eventually get over the whole anxiexy of whether or not he's reading, but i think it would still be in the back of my mind.

@ q: lOl, i KNEW you probably called Pasty that to his face which is why i didn't use him as an example lmao

you remind me of my BFF; when she's done with a guy, she's DONE. but, while you're correct that 1) this is MY personal space and 2) he wasn't exactly invited to said space, i still feel bad. mostly because i hadn't ever expressed the things i felt to him--he thought i was all but over it. so for him to read this stuff was no doubt unsettling.

@ karrie: *DEAD*

@ skinny: ugh, you so get me girly. that's exactly how i feel but i'm choosing to swallow my pride on this one and get over the fact that he read a personal (though public) blog that i expressly asked him not to read. only thing to do now is change the url, i guess.

Muze said...

wow. you're a big person for admitting this.

i actually have the same situation. except he hasn't discovered my blog yet. lol.

i don't do posts about him any more, but the ones i have in the past are like dropped bombs. lol.

i still say do you though. if you feel like being a two-faced bitch on your blog, well heck, it 's YOUR blog.

and we have no clue who he is, but Ex.

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