Friday, August 15, 2008

A Little Bit of History

Well, blog fam, by the time I make my next entry, I'll be settled in at school. For the most part I'm ready, but there's a small part of me that's a little anxious. I really shouldn't be. I've secured a job at an art gallery as well as being an art blogger for the217.com, a local entertainment website. I'm in a better mindset this time around and I've got my priorities straight. I'm all around in a much better place this year. I should be excited. But I can't help but still feel that slight pang of anxiety when I think of going back.

Those of you who just joined me this summer may not know too much of my history. You've heard me refer to the Ex, but you don't quite know the story. If you want the gritty details, hit up the archives or The Ex Files (see side bar). But to sum it up, I was dating this guy for a year before we broke up. Within that year, he cheated on me numerous times, decided he wanted a break with benefits when he got caught, and like a dummy, I obliged. We finally called it quits when I "cheated" on him while we were on yet another break. He retaliated by taking Mrs. Potato Head's virginity...and that's when their relationship basically started. Only ours hadn't technically ended. So for the entire 07-08 school year, I played the role of the dip, only I was too blind to see it that way. I felt like I had done him wrong, and I wanted to prove to him that I was still worthy of his love. He said he was confused but he still loved me, not her. He promised he'd leave her but he never did. For the whole year, he strung me along thinking that we'd end up back together. But it never happened. It broke my heart into a million little pieces but I couldn't let him go. I couldn't move on. It wasn't until the summer, when I moved back to Chicago and he stayed in college town with Mrs. Potatohead, that I actually got my closure. And my sanity.

So, here I am, three months later. I've come very far since then. For one thing, I find the guy absolutely repulsive now. What I ever saw in him, I don't know. What I do know is that I deserve way better, and that I no longer have feelings for him. None whatsoever. I'm not afraid of being tempted to sleep with him again either, because there'd have to be an attraction for that to happen. So, I guess the question is, what am I afraid of?

My freshmen memories aren't good ones. All I can remember is being depressed and crying all the time. My friends and family were always concerned for me, as I was for myself. I was even seeing a counselor through it all because, at times, I felt like I couldn't cope...That entire year was the lowest point of my life. On more than one occasion, I had contemplated ending it.

That said, it's kind of daunting going back to a place that I associate with so much dispair and sadness. I'm not afraid of falling back into depression, but the mere fact that I'll be back in that very same place is...disturbing. How do you cleanse an entire campus of negative, bad relationship energy?

5 comments:

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

u did do him wrong

Bloggal said...

funny you should say that...

Tom_Gurl said...

Dunno how you'd cleanse an entire campus....but you're in a much better place now...emotionally..so as easy as it may be for me to say this: focus on where you're at now...and where you're wanting to be...leave the memories as just pages in a closed book.

Qucifer said...

you do it all over again, and make you your new memories, take it from someone that has had to do it TWICE OVER with all her favorite places (The State, My kitchen, my bed, my beach, etc etc etc etc)

Bloggal said...

@ tom gurl: You're right, it is easy for you to say that, but it's because it's so very true. Focusing on the now is definitely the key. And right NOW, I'm really content. Thanks for reminding me of that:)

@ Q: Also a very good tip. Good thing I don't have location memories tied to him. We only ever saw each other in the dorm we lived in. I can't imagine how hard it would be if I was reminded of him everywhere I went.

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