Why Her?

Okay, I couldn't stay away. I miss my blog. I miss your blogs. So, school can wait.

Alrighty, here's the thing. Since I've been back to school, I've been seeing my Ex constantly and it's not really helping the whole "build new memories" thing. I hate it. How is that I went an entire summer without seeing him and now that I'm back here, he's all I can think about. Just to make a disclaimer, I'm not thinking about him in "that way." It's just that he was like my only male friend on campus. Sad, I know. But now, when I'm bored and I don't feel like being bothered with females, he's the person who pops into mind. But, hanging with him isn't an option. And I'll tell you why.

He's...how can I say...addicted/sprung on my sex. The first night we made contact, he was asking to stop by. I thought, no harm, so I allowed him over. After about 20 minutes in my room, the sexual tension was palpable and he practically pounced on me. I'd never seen him that way and it kind scared me...and turned me on a little (lol). BUT, I pushed him away with a firm hand, told that the friend thing wouldn't work since he was clearly unable to contain himself, then told him to leave.

He came to me the next night, apologizing for his behavior but no sooner had he made himself comfortable in my swivel chair, was he trying to put the moves on me again.

By then, I was just insulted. I know I've got that good-good, but to come to me for nothing more than sex is infuriating! So, I told him to never contact me. That we couldn't be more than associates.

Ever since then though, I've been seeing him everywhere. And not just alone...

I'm kind of disappointed in myself. How is it that, after all this time, I can still be affected when I see them together?

Today I was on the quad and they walked past me, hand-in-hand. I hadn't noticed at first, but my friend made sure to make a scene and my heart nearly stopped when I saw them. The reaction was all to reminiscent from last year. From that point on, my mood was slightly ruined and I couldn't get the pep back into my step.

It's actually a little more difficult than I thought it would be--being down here, seeing him again. It's weird. I wish I didn't have to see them together. Ever. No matter how much I've grown and gotten past it, I can't help but be disturbed. It doesn't make sense. I don't desire to be with him anymore, so why does it still bother me to see her with him? I guess it's because I can't help but wonder, why not me? Why wasn't I good enough to be with him? He had commitment issues with me, but he can stand a relationship with her...I don't get it. He treats her well (besides the fact that he's all too eager to cheat with me). He does the sweet boyfriend things that I always wanted him to do when we were together...How can I not take it personally. Everything I always wanted from him, he can do for her. I think that's the real reason we can't be friends. I'll always resent him. She's a constant reminder that I wasn't good enough for him. That it wasn't that he couldn't commit. It was that he wasn't willing to commit to me. For a long time I wondered, why her? But now I know the real question is, why not me?

It reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City when Big tells Carrie that he's engaged to Natasha. God, that is my all time favorite episode because it's my story. A guy who has difficulty committing can suddenly be emotionally available to someone else. You feel cheated.