Saturday, February 28, 2009

The Devil Made Me Do It

There are certain things that go on in my personal life that I don't divulge to blogworld. Sometimes it's because it's irrelevant, and other times it because it's nunyo. But right now, I'm about to confess something that I had intended on not writing about for the sheer shame of it all. I figure it's the best thing to do so that somebody will hold me accountable. Otherwise I'd just convince myself that what happened didn't happen.

What I failed to tell you guys last week was that Ex had contacted me. Remember the 'big fuckup' I referred to? It was not ignoring his text when I should've. I told him about three months ago to never call me/text me/stop by or anything. This was my way of burning bridges...at least until I was ready to reconnect with him. I knew I had the willpower not to ever contact him, and I haven't. But I wasn't so sure that I'd be able to ignore him if he ever contacted me, hence my request for him not to. Turns out, he didn't honor that request and I couldn't ignore him. Nothing too regretable occured that night when he texted me, but I knew I had opened pandora's box by talking to him. I knew it was only a matter of time.

That time came last night. I had had the whole day to myself to think, which is usually not a good thing I was feeling a bit antsy about the fact that we were talking again after so long. Things had been pretty nice up to that point, but I still had so many questions. What would make things different this time? How are we going to REALLY make this friend thing work? I needed some answers. I couldn't accept the fact that we were actually being cordial to each other without overstepping boundaries. I couldn't leave well enough alone. I just had to Talk. He told me that he had a few guys over for game night, but that he'd let me know as soon as they left so we could have a decent conversation. It was about 12am when he told me this.

I got some things done in the meantime. Did some homework, did my nails, watched a movie, all the while oddly looking forward to his call. Oh no. This isn't good, I thought. Why should I be looking forward to a call past midnight. Those are Booty Call hours! When the realization struck me, I told myself , Nooooooo you're not doing that! And around 2am, I turned off my tv and went to sleep. Well, tried to but for the first thirty minutes I was forced to listen to the moans of my neighbors having sex. Didn't really help matters either...

I finally made it to sleep around three but was awakened, not by an Ex Text, but by some other noisy neighbors. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. What the hell was going on that everybody seemed to be having sex last night? I was laying awake for about twenty minutes, contemplating whether or not I was going to bust my upstairs neighbor's apparent sex fest, when I hear my phone go off.

Sleep?


I considered not replying. But what sounded like a banging headboard made ignore that idea.

I was but my noisy ass neighbors woke me up.

They must be getting it cracking lol.

Heheheh...

Well, I know you wanted to stop by but it's late so it's up to you.

It was decision time. I could say I was going there to talk but I knew I'd be lying. I knew full well if I went over to his room at 4am, what would happen. I don't know if it was the sound of the banging bed above me, or the sound of my heart beating in my ears, but something made me not give a fuck.


I've been awake for the past twenty minutes so I might as well stop by for a little while.

Keep in mind that I had to work a four hour shift at the gallery at 9am. But that didn't matter. Nothing did. It had been about five months since I had gotten any passable sex, (i.e. didn't last less than five minutes) and three months since I'd had sex period. I wanted it. And I wasn't going to let my morals, or my job, stop me.


I made it to his room and we chatted casually for a while. He told me about the game he and his mates had played, and I pretended to be interested. He put on a season of Family Guy and laid in his bed. I laid on his futton. We watched about three full episodes but all the while the tension was building.


He asked me if there was anything in particular I had wanted to talk about and I told him there was, but it was too late to talk. After a heavy, knowing silence he asked me the question that I'd been waiting for him to ask.


Well then, what's stopping you?

It sure as hell wasn't my conscience.

At approximately 6:30am this morning, I gave in to my baser instincts and slept with Ex.

And I did it again at 7.

I slept for thirty minutes until I had to go back to my room and get dressed for work. Went in all sleepy and sex achey. And on the day when it was open house for children to come and play in the museum. Triflin ass triflery in it's purest form.

All I could think about while I was at work was 1) how good those sex pains felt, 2) how bad I felt for being such a hoebag homewrecking loser, and 3) how the hell, I let that shit happen. I know it's been a while since I've had sex, but how did I just undo the past three months in one night? Hoooow did I let that happen?

I know I could've kept this to myself. Buried it away and pretended it never happened. But I don't want to. I clearly need some sense knocked into me because this wasn't a spur of the moment type thing. This was premeditated fuckery, and there's no excusing it. I was a woman possessed by the Dick Demon and I didn't give a shit about moral codes anymore.

KB, QQ: I was too afraid to text you all cause I already knew y'all were gonna e-beat my ass. Go hard, I give you permission. Everybody, please give me the verbal bashing I deserve.

16 comments:

strangetimes said...

It's ok. Believe me, it's ok. You're not a loser honey.

I understand why you went back to your ex like that. Physical needs are hard to ignore, especially when they haven't been attended to for so long (and especially when you have 1st hand knowledge of how good it was sexually with your ex).

You're an adult. You knew what the consequences of your actions would be. And you decided that you needed to have your needs satisfied. I won't judge that at all. I emphatize with you.

But, I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't point out some obvious things, which I know you already know to be true.

#1 - Your ex is never going to be able to be around you as just a friend. He doesn't regard you as a friend, a future girlfriend, or as a mistress. (I'm sorry if this hurts). Right now, he thinks of you as someone that he can mess around with on the side who won't give him too many complications (ie., will blackmail, stalk, harass him, or threaten to blow up his spot).

#2 - Every dirty look or suspicious glance that your ex's current gf has given you in the past, which you laughed off, now has a basis in reality. It's not just her imagination anymore. Did you really want to validate her suspicions and fears?

#3 - BG, You deserve better than this. I've only known you for a while, but I know just how remarkable and wonderful you are. It's sad to see you spend all of your time and energy on something that will not end well.

If you need someone to talk to, you know how to find me.

This is just a brief stumble. We care about you. We will be there for you.

Bloggal said...

@ strangetimes: ohh yeah, that did kind of hurt. but that's tough love right there. and it's what i needed to hear. i'll be sending you a personal message.

thanks for caring xox.

s a s h a said...

lmao.

fuckery slutery and hoe bagishness.

I believe you have done it all me.
you kicked yourself in the ass enought for the rest of us.
Hunni please. Its not like he was some dude you met in the club n things got all hot n sweaty/heavy for no reason.

1] you know him

2] ya'll both have feelings for each others

3] yall grown ass people

4] your human.

shit it'd be weird if you went over there "talked" and left.
like... WHY did you come over here 4 in the morning to talk and dip??.

I'm saying you havent had boots knocking in a while and your neighbors were basically cheering you on in thier own sweet way.
I mean if all signs point to yes. then why answer No?

The only reason you feel bad is beause you broke your moral code.
But its okay to be hard on yourself. and okay to be mad at yourself.

Juyst understand no one else can be you. You are the only one who can stop yourself and make yourself go. You have the power in your life to pick and choose.

So Girl do what you pleae and keep it all in perspective.
Its your life. Live it how u wanna.


LONG ASS POST I KNOW>
but ehhh.. i like giving advice =D

Jaded said...

Hey, well I agree with a lot of what the above poster said.

Also, it is beyond year clear that your ex does not respect you, your body, your wishes, your feelings, emotions. NOTHING. If he did he would (1) NOT have contacted you after you asked him not to (trust if he wanted you back back he woulda done a lot better than an email...no?) (2) he wouldn't come at you on some lets be friends shit (especially without a very good game plan on how it would work this time) (3)and finally he would have hit you back at a decent hour if this friends thing were real (since he likely doesn't feel the same and thus doesn't want to give you false hope).

He might not respect you...but SURELY you respect yourself?

I don't think you're a homewrecking whorebag. I mean they aren't married so technically you aren't committing adultery.

Bloggal said...

...and i love taking it:)

"Juyst understand no one else can be you. You are the only one who can stop yourself and make yourself go. You have the power in your life to pick and choose."

no truer words have been spoken. all i can do now is try to get back in line and move forward.

Bloggal said...

@ jaded: siggghhh. you people are keeping it real. i love you for it.

i basically just said eff it. i knew it was wrong and i did it anyway. had a moment of weakness...

but yeah, i question his contacting me in the first place. i was doing fine without talking to him and he texts ME. that really threw things off.

Teems said...

I haven't been a faithful reader but you are human and you have had sex with him before. I just hope you don't do it again! Where is your vibrator?

Robin Monique said...

Girl PUH-LEEZE.

You can't go back and change what you did, so asking us to cuss you out for it is pointless. You did exactly what you wanted to do. Now you can either stew in regret about it or accept it and keep moving. I suggest the latter.

For one, you are not a homewrecker because they have no "home." They are boyfriend/girlfriend. In college nonetheless.

In this situation, you're accountable to yourself. You got horny, you needed some so you went for the familiar. That's perfectly normal. But I will warn that if you haven't removed your heart from your "parts" you could be in for some more drama. Just something to think about.

But stop beating yourself up about it. That doesn't help matters at all.

Qucifer said...

Syd, that guy doesn't value you or your friendship, he wants to keep you around and communicating for one reason alone, and he is sad and pathetic enough to not even realize the type of chick you are and claim you for his own

plus he is a douchebag, you WOULDN'T want him to claim you for his own

He is manipulative and a cheating coward

annnndd the more you fall for it or allow him around you, or your phone or email the more you setyourself back in your quest for wholeness and trying to love and live happy again, you can't see the possibilities or be happy cause you are mucked up into his mess feeling low and shit

so no big declarations, no last big convo, no last text no nothing just cut him off top even entertaining this "friendship' farce, don't answer, don't pick up, don't reply, and another thing; Quit praying for the cocksucker or being pleasant or polite in public, IGNORE HIM that's it, no more "nice" nothing

Qucifer said...

and you are not a Big Fail for giving in, he knows what he is doing through and through, you are weak for him and that's not inherently wrong or nothing but you need to recognize it, stop playing games about being grown up and adult about it and civil and lets be friends, just know is not possible, and move from it

Qucifer said...

and lastly I FULLY cosign with Jaded

Qucifer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
s a s h a said...

YEA!!... i got quoted =]

lol Bloggal u goin b aight .

Experience is the best teacher. said...

Girl, I totally understand what you're going through, but I really agree with Quicifer's first post and with what Jaded had to say!...

This man does not respect you, and even though the sex may be AMAZING.... It's not worth the feelings that you obviously still have for this fool. You HAVE to cut the ties. Don't beat yourself up, just move forward, NOT backward. You gotta keep things with Ex short and sweet, especially in recognition of your emotional/physical weakness concerning him...

BTW... Where was your vibrator?? It's not the same but in moments of extreme weakness, it's a lot better than regretting the Ex-sex later!

Noticed but Invisible said...

As somebody who has gone back repeatedly I don't think anybody is stupid. I have seen first hand how easy it is to go back, especially when they feed you these crazy ideas that you WANT to be true even though you know better. I think it is easier than most people realize to go back. So really all you can do is change your number and keep it moving. Cause I have not talked to mine in like 3 months and I'm still expecting that phone call to come through to make myself feel better about the fact that he wants me and I don't want him. But....still no call so that's probably a good thing. I don't need it cause I say I hate him and i'm not going back, but my past says different. So I guess what I'm saying is even though I don't know the whole situation, it's probably best to eliminate any form of contact that is going to lead you to him and hope that you don't run into him on the quad.

Glo said...

Hmm....

I was REALLY surprised to read this.

Like damn.

You worked damn hard to get this dude out of your system, and one night changed it all.

It's easy to go back to old habits, its harder to stick to new ones. I know you're no victim because you wanted it, just like he did, but I do believe he took advantage of you.

He knows he's your weakness, and he played into that.

fucker.

i'll cut his ass for you.

I also don't think you're a homewreaking hoebag. She must know what kind of dirty looser she has, and its on her if she wants to continue taking that risk by being with him.

No you shouldn't have fucked him. It was definitely wrong,and you know that really, thats obvisouly clear.

But you also shouldn't consider this the end of it all, because you can and will get over this looser.

You will move on, and find that REAL--sincere---aches in your bones happiness that you deserve.

I promise you, you will.

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