Saturday, February 21, 2009

Late Night Love Rant

Life is good. Really, it is. I'm so grateful for how at peace I am right now. I'm doing incredibly well at staying positive and not letting things get me down. Meditating really helps. I chant, I tell myself good things. Might sound crazy, but it all keeps me centered. With each affirmation and mantra, I feel myself getting stronger. You know there's a 'but' coming though.

I can't help but wonder when my chance at love will come. I knew before, that I wasn't ready. I had alot of learning and growing to do. For one, I had to finally break free from my ex. Secondly, I had to learn how to be alone. And most importanly, I had to learn how to enjoy being alone instead of merely accepting. I've done all of the above. My life has never been more stable, fulfilling, and happy than it is right now. And yet, I still desire to have a man in my life.

Desire would be the operative word. The need is gone now. I can finally say that I'm perfectly happy being single, and actually mean it. But I feel like, I've learned my lessons. After going through so much emotional turmoil with Ex and coming out on top, shouldn't I be rewarded at some point?

I believe that everything happens for a reason. And that there is a plan in store for me. I just can't help but wonder when it'll actually come to fruition. When will I meet that man who'll respect and appreciate me? When will I get my shot at healthy love?

Maybe it's because the bar is set much higher, but I see no potential in anyone. It's not that I'm being close-minded, I just know what not to sacrafice. I know that I'd rather be single than to settle for a guy that I'm not feeling or doesn't treat me the way I demand to be treated, simply because I don't want to be alone. I've matured far past that point. And still, I wonder if maybe my high standards are limiting me.

And then there's my whole old fashioned approach towards dating. I don't like to court the guy, I want him to court me. And you know, it's not even so much about being old fashion as it is about simply wanting to be secure in knowing that the guy I'm talking to is actually into me. I've been that girl who has chased a guy who didn't want her and I refuse to do it again. It's much easier when the guy approaches me. That way I know he's interested, and then I can decide whether or not I'm interested too. But then of course, the feminist in me starts to bitch. Why should I wait for a guy to approach me? Why shouldn't I be the aggressive one? Why not take charge and get what I want, right? Because the hopeless romantic in me wants to be patient and wait for prince charming. But at what point does patience stop being a virtue and start prohibiting you?

A lot of questions....A lot of 'buts'....

The upside is, while all these questions persist, I'm still happy. And I know I've got at least three more months before I'll be bursting with the desire for man loving. In the meantime, until the right one comes along, I'll keep showing myself love. After all, maybe I have a few more lessons to learn. Maybe I'm not as ready for love as I think I am.

2 comments:

G-Ron said...

I can't help but relate. Somethings end up waiting. You probably have a secret admirer already who is just afraid to step up to the plate. Your optimism is excellent. Like you said, just stay positive. Good things come to those who wait.

Experience is the best teacher. said...

I'm glad you're positive, and I'm glad you're refusing to settle just for the sake of being in a relationship. That's the realization I've embraced as well.

Some women never learn that lesson and end up married, but lonely and bitter in their relationship.

:-)

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