Spammers Beware.

Dear Anonymous Assholes.

Just because I said I was leaving this blog, doesn't mean yall can go spamming my comment sections with Viagra ads and shit. I still get email notifications on comments, so cool it.

xo,
bloggal

Last Post.

No sorrowful goodbyes. No grand finales. I'm moving on and not looking back.

You guys may probably be wondering why I'm so adamant about this right now, but don't worry. I'll clarify things for you on my new blog. I'm thinking about making the first post a vlog.

I also decided not to post the link to the new spot on this blog. If anyone would like to know the url, please post your email address in the comment section and I'll send it to you. If you don't want your email address to be public, you can just email me directly: riprue@yahoo.com

Umm...Yep, I think that's pretty much it. If/when I start seeing requests for the url, I'll send it immediately. Everything on the new blog isn't all snazzy like I wanted it to be, but whatev. That can come later. Oh yeah, and Halloween was a blast. But I'm going to just wait and post pics on the new blog.

Anyway. It's been real people. Hope to see you on the other side.

xo,
bloggal

**UPDATE**

I've already received requests for the link, but I'm actually going to wait a few days and send it as a mass email.

Happy Halloween! (Confession)

I have a confession guys.

I'm really tired of this blog.

I'm tired of the name. I'm tired of the way it looks. I'm tired of the way it feels. I'm tired of the content. I've been feeling this way for a while now but I've just chalked it up to being tired of blogging in general. But I realized that wasn't true considering I just made my blogging comeback about a month ago. What I'm really tired of is Love is a Minefield.

I've had this blog for almost two years, and it saw me through some of the most trying moments in my personal life. But now I feel extremely limited here. With a love/sex/relationships blog I feel obligated to write about things that fall somewhere under those categories. The problem is, there's SO much more going on in my life, and romance is the last thing I'm concerned with right now.

I know, it's my blog and I can write about whatever I want. But for so long this blog has been devoted to a particular topic, and even worse, a particular person. Everything else seems out of place. The only solution I can think of is to do a blog move. I entertained this idea a couple of times in the past but never followed through a) because of nostalgic reasons and b) I didn't want to lose my readers. But the way I see it now is, I'm not going to delete this blog, just move on from it. As for the loss of readers. If people want to keep reading, they will follow me to the next blog. If not, no big deal. A clean slate might be good for me.

I'm in the process of setting up my new blog at Wordpress and I'll post the new URL here in the next couple of weeks. The only thing stopping me from making the switch now is that I'm still working on the template. The process is a lot more complicated than Blogger, but the options are more diverse. If anyone is Wordpress savvy and knows how to install themes, please let me know.

Anyway, since it's Halloween weekend and I didn't do diddly-squat on Homecoming weekend, I'm going to try and hit up some parties. Midterms are over and it's only a few weeks until the next wave of exams and papers comes, so I figure I'd better get some partying out of my system while I still can. I posted pictures of last year's Halloween, so I'll post pics of this one too.

Hope you guys have a good weekend:) Have fun and be safe!

xo,
bloggal

"What is the Stanky Leg?"

This was my GRANDMA'S stastus on Facebook:

"Just a question fb family. What is the Stanky Leg, and did the world come out with it or the church? and if the world came out with it and church folk are doing it, how does it glorify God? Just at question, no offense."

LMAO.

Hey kiddies.

Just wanted to check in. Thanks a lot for those of you who sent emails wishing me well. I do feel a lot better now (physically). My fever has subsided, and so has the sore throat and body aches. All I have is the annoying cough but I can deal with it. I just can't wait for me to be over it entirely so I can't get back in my workout groove.

Without going into detail, today really sucked. I have no intentions on writing why it sucked, but sometimes it feels good to say that much. Anyway, just giving you guys a heads up that I may not blog much, if at all, this weekend because I have to play catch up from being sick last week. You'll be hearing from me soon enough though.

xo,
bloggal

Sick Day + Date Details

Hey blog fam.

I'd like to first thank you lovely ladies--antithesis, Experience, and QQ--for your suggestions. I just got back from Walgreens and I'm stocked with Theraflu, tea, orange juice, and vitamen C. I emailed my professor for the class that my big paper is due in, asking if I could email submit it because I wasn't feeling well enough to come to class. Instead she told me that I could just turn it in 'whenever I felt better'. I was stoked because I definitely woke up at 7 this morning to finish the paper that was due at 11. Now, I don't have to bull shit it at all, and can finish it up with a clearer head.

Yeah, I've gotten progressivly within the past 24hrs. Yesterday started off cool, but once I got off of work, the sickness returned. Not to mention the fact that I had a date to go on. I know they say the only way to really get over a cold is to get lots and lots of rest, which I never do. So, today I emailed all my professors to get excused from class so that I can spend the day sleeping and doping myself up with Theraflu. I emailed my boss too, but I'm waiting to hear back from him. Hopefully, I can get the night off because that would mean a full 24 hours of rest time. *Crosses fingers*

Now. About the date. I met this guy last Friday when my friend and I bar hopped all night. He approached me very respectfully and asked if he could by me a drink. Sidenote: I was already offered free drinks for the night by this hot bartender who coincidently turned out to be this guys room mate and friend. I'm telling yall, this bartender could've been the most beautiful male specimen I'd ever seen upclose. He looked like a biracial Brad Pitt--I'm not even lying. He had blue eyes and fair skin, but this dark, curly hair. We were making googly eyes at each other, when his room mate stole his thunder and started "buying" me drinks he had already offered me. Oh wellsies.

Huuuuuge tangent but Hottie Bartender was sex on a stick. Anyway, me and this guy had a few drinks, danced, and chatted for a while. It was fun. At the end of the night, he asked me if he could call me sometime and I gave him my number. He said, "Promise not to forget me, because I'm really gonna call you". I guess he thought I was drunk but I wasn't. He called me the following Monday asking if I'd like to get together Wednesday after work. I agreed.

Now, even though I blogged about this date Tuesday evening, why the hell did I almost totally forget the next day? I think I'm so used to guys flaking on me that I unconciously pushed the entire date out of my mind. He calls me at 6:30, telling me he got out of class early and asking if I wanted to push our dinner plans up an hour early? I'm sitting there in my PJs, eating a bowl of Ramen noodles, and typing my paper--clearly I didn't have plans on going anywhere--but I told him we could. He offered to pick me up but I'm kind of paranoid about strangers knowing where I live. He could turn out to be some crazed stalker. Y'all know how white boys can be (oh, did I forget to mention he's white?) lol j/k (not really). Instead of him picking me up, we met at the resteraunt--Flat Top Grill.

He showed up on time, smelling fresh, and looking presentable. These are probably givens, but after my disaterous date with Mr. Womp, I've come to appreciate these things. We, of course, got 'the what are yall doing together' looks. We probably did look like we weren't even from the same planet but we just ignored the stares. I won't go into the details of the date, but I have to say, I really enjoyed myself. The conversation was easy and unforced. He was a gentleman but not to the point of trying too hard. And most importantly, he footed the bill. I say this is important because, in the infamous case of Mr. Womp, he asked me on a date and I ended up paying. You'd better believe I came prepared with my debit card this time, but he made it clear from the beginning that I could get what I wanted and he'd pay the bill.

He wanted to take me salsa dancing at the bar Hottie Bartender works at (*swoon*) but I told him I needed to get back to finish my paper. He walked me back to my apartment and we called it a night. He leaned in for a good night smooch but I had to give him a good 'ole church hug instead. Sidenote: Besides the fact that I don't kiss on the first date anyway, I was literally afraid to do it. I've been kissing the same person for over a year now. I don't even know if I know how to kiss someone else. That's what happens when your ladyhood gets used to a particular manhood, if you know what I mean...I think you do.

I can't say for sure whether or not I'm attracted to this guy in "that way", but I did enjoy myself and would definitely go out with him again. He was outgoing, respectful, and courteous. The date was everything it should've been (by my standards) and I have to give him his props for bringing his A Game.

Now, I'm off to down some Theraflu. Hopefully by the time you hear from me again, I'll be back to normal.

xo,
bloggal

Ughhhh.

I feel like crap.

I managed to avoid getting sick for over a year. I obsessively wash my hands, ESPECIALLY before I eat. I make sure I take my vitamins to build up my immune system. I stay bundled up in cool weather no matter how bad I want to go coatless. With all of my precautions, you'd think I'd be safe from getting sick. Nope. I catch a sore throat in the dumbest way. Because my apartment is a frikkin' ice box, last night I got sick on my walk from the shower to my bedroom. I know, I know--there's probably more that contributed to it. But all I know is, when I got out the shower I felt fine, and by the time I got to my bedroom, about 8 seconds later, I started feeling the itchy beginnings of a full-fledged sore throat. I bundled up in a sweatshirt, extra blankets, and my beloved Snuggie, hoping that I would be able to sleep it off. But instead I woke up this morning feeling like death warmed up.

Forgive me for this randomness. I just hate being sick. All you want is somebody to baby your grown ass with soup and hot lemon & honey tea, but you gotta do it yourself. You wanna cuddle up with someone everybody treats you like you have coodies, which you kind of do. Not that I have someone to cuddle up with right now but you get the picture.

The worst part is, I have a date tomorrow night and a major paper due Thursday morning. I'm not up to either right about now. But I know the lazy Old Maid inside of me was just praying for a reason for me to cancel this date and I'm not about to satisfy her fuddy duddy ass. I've been putting off getting back in the dating game for months now and if I don't go tomorrow, I never will. So, if you guys know any natural or medicinal remedies PLEASE share. Over-the-counter drugs or grandma's famous cure--whatever. Just please share what works for you when you're sick. I can deal with a mild irritation but the pain has to be gone by tomorrow.

Trippin'

Didn't I just tell ya'll I still had issues?

I'm going to tell you guys a little story and I hope someone gets something out of it.

So, I was seeing this guy. He and I had a history that was at best...difficult. We were off and on, on and off for a long time. Finally, we were able to get along and be cool. We were friends. Then his circumstances changed, and suddenly it was okay for us to be more than friends. Only, niether of us were ready to take that definitive step. So, instead we decided to play it cool. Go with the flow. Just enjoy what we had without attempting to define it.

All was well until I started to get paranoid. I started thinking ahead and thinking behind. What if this happens? I can't forget when THAT happened. I'd freak out and tell him that I didn't think we should see each other anymore...and a day later I'd realize that I was TRIPPIN'.

We'd discuss what made me trip, and he agreed to make an effort to make me feel more secure about our 'relationship'. All is well and then a week later I get paranoid again. Only, for a different reason. I bring it to his attention and tell him, I'm not sure we're on the same page here. I mean, I can be okay with this kind of relationship but I can't be forever. TRIPPIN'.

He acknowledges my concerns and agrees to put forth even more effort to keep me comfortable. Two weeks go by without incident. Until one weekendm he has a ton of homework to do. He informs me that he'd be busy with a project for most of the weekend. He's lying...He's not doing homework. He's out romancing some other chick. I resolve that I can't trust him, I am completely unable to handle our relationship and that I don't think we should see each other anymore.

It doesn't take me very long to realize I was, what? TRIPPIN'.

I tried to fix it, but this time he wasn't going. You say you won't trip again, but how do I know that's true? ANYTHING can set you off. I don't know what to expect from you. He decided that it would be best for us to not continue our pseudo-relationship.

There's only so much a guy can take. I don't blame him for being tired of my insecurities even though he was the cause of most of them. The fact is, he was doing right by me, and I couldn't let go of my issues. Every time I thought of the past, I freaked out. And I verbalized my freak out. I invented scenarios that didn't exist, and even when he tried to reassure me, I found new reasons to freak out. As it turned out, I couldn't handle a pseudo-relationship with someone who hurt me in the past.

The moral of this story is this: If you decide your going to be in a relationship or whatever you wanna call it, with someone you've been through it with, realize its ramifications. If you're not willing to let go of your issues and insecurities, you're not ready to be in it. And if you decide to be in it, you have to be ready to roll with the punches. Especially when they are invisible ones. Let that marinate.

Updates...

What's new blog fam?

Last week was a very interesting for me. I was insanely busy, but it wasn't just because of school work. This semester, I've made it my mission to stay involved and take advantage of the educational and social activities my campus has to offer. And there are quite a few. On Wednesday, I attended a lecture by the lovely Marlee Matlin. You might know her best as the deaf dancer on Dancing with the Stars or as Jennifer Beal's love interest on The L Word.



She was plugging her memoir, I'll Scream Later, a book about her rise to fame, despite her deafness. I bought the book and actually got to meet her when she autographed it. I'd post pictures of the event but Blogger always screws me over when I try to...

Friday was pretty eventful as well. I already kind of told you guys about the exhibit I'm co-curating right? Well, if I didn't, I PROMISE to devote an entire post to it in the near future. I don't want to simply summarize it in a few sentences because it's a project that I'm really invested in. Anyway, on Friday my collegues and I had a round table discussion with community artists, museum curators, professors, and community leaders to discuss the way we wanted to execute the exhibit. We're teaming up with other organizations in the area to be apart of the 150th anniversary of the town (sorry for being so cryptic, but I'm not quite sure that giving away the name of my school and town is the best idea right now). It was an awesome networking opportunity, and my contributions definitely put me on the map with the curators at the museum I work at. Suddenly I went from just a student security guard to scholar in their eyes, and they recognize me as such.

After attending the panel discussion, a friend and I went to see a performance at the theater. Aftwards, we hit up a friends birthday party, and bar hopped for the rest of the night.

I had a good time. I'm trying to come out of my shell a bit and be more involved on my campus. Who knew that if I wasn't so antisocial, I'd start meeting people...Hehe.

p.s.

I have a date Wednesday. I hope it goes well...

RE: Titles and Labels

Hey there people.

This morning I received an email about my previous post. I appreciate the gesture of sending this private message, but it brings up a topic that I'd like to address publicly:


Hey there Sydney! It’s been a while right?! Anywhoo, I just have a quick question that I wanted to ask you that I didn’t want to ask in your comment section because I felt it was better suited as an email.

Okay, so in your post you said:

A piece of paper saying that two people are united in holy matrimony doesn't mean a thing.

Do you mind if I ask how do you feel about gay marriage rights? Because there are sooooooo many people who are trying to prove the exact opposite of what you are saying . I used to be like: It’s just a piece of paper and as long as Gays & Lesbians are afforded the same rights (through things like civil unions guarantying benefit,tax breaks etc) as hetero folks who cares? It wasn’t until I started law school and kind of started paying attention that I realized that it goes beyond that. And, all things being equal, a piece of paper saying that two people are united in holy matrimony means everything.

I just want to be clear on something. It wasn't my intention to offend any of my readers who are a) very happily married or b) a member of the LGBT community. Please understand that my comments were not intended to belittle the sanctity of marriage as an institution. I know that there is SO much more to marriage than fidelity and, as I said in my post, there's no way I could possibly address every combination of a relationship. My focus was only on the issue of honor within a marriage, or relationship for that matter. Everything outside of that, I won't attempt to speak on because I couldn't do the issue justic. That said, I'd like to reiterate something I probably didn't make entirely clear in my post. I was in no way suggesting that marriage itself is meaningless (I can understand how my statement about "a piece of paper saying two people are united in holy matrimony not meaning a thing" could be misconstrued as such). Though I have never bared witness to a successful, honest marriage, I do believe that when two people are fully commited to each other, it can be a beautiful thing. I was speaking ONLY in regards to fidelity. In this context, certainly the marriage title doesn't stop a person from being unfaithful. I think we can all agree on that. That was my only argument.

What I want you guys to realize is that I'm writing from my personal experiences and perspective. I come from single parent home; my parents divorced because of my father's infidelity (he cheated on my mother with six different women; the result was six half-siblings). What my father did to my mother is the epitome of everything I fear. They were, to her knowledge, happily married for 10 years. But then she found out that he was cheating on her the entire time. So you see, based on my own personal experiences with relationships (having been cheated on and cheated with) and the example of my parents', I am just a smidge disenchanted with marriage at this point in my life.

Mr. Right Now.

What's up blog fam?

Homecoming weekend was an absolute bust lol. I didn't go to a single party. For once, I actually attempted to get into party mode but it just wasn't meant to be apparently. Oh well, we'll see if I'll have better luck on Halloween. Experience--sorry I didn't run into you girly. Let me know when/if you'll be in town again so we can make plans :).

So, last Thursday I set this status on Facebook:

I'm never getting married.

There was nothing in particular that made me write it. Wasn't like I'd got into some huge fight with a dude and was in the mood to swear off men. It was just a thought. I didn't expect it to but the status received three comments almost immediately. One person, the lovely JessicaRae, agreed with me. The second comment was from a family friend: "Do you still plan on having children?" And the third comment was from my grandmother (yes, my grandma is on Facebook): "Don't say that. How else will I have beautiful grandchildren?"

My immediate reaction was to reply to both the family friend and my grandma: "Oh yes! How could I forget? The only way I could possibly have kids is if I got married first. Thanks for the the reminder!" Buuuuut, I didn't want my grandma to know how trifiling I was, so instead I just blocked her from my statuses.

The truth is, I can't say I'll never get married. Because, who knows, someone honorable may be able to convince me that it's a worthwhile institution. But currently, my faith in marriage, and titles in general, is kind of weak. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that relationships, monogamy, and marriages are obsolete. I just think that labels are.

Lately I've just started to recognize how much relationships, and what defines them, are changing at a rapid pace. You have people like David Letterman and Joy Behar, who have been with their significant others for over 10+, but aren't married; people who have been married for less than a year cheating on each other; sex without relationship titles; titles without sex; friends with benefits...I can't even begin to list every variation of a relationship. The point is, labels don't matter. A piece of paper saying that two people are united in holy matrimony doesn't mean a thing. If a man/woman wants to stray, they will. Period.

So, where does this leave us? Fearful, right? Terrified at the prospect of trusting anyone, even on a mere boyfriend/girlfriend level. Because, if marriage isn't going to keep someone from steppin out, what the hell is a 'relationship' title going to do?

This was how I felt at least. And the way I chose to deal with it for a very long while was to just be single and selective. Don't settle for anything or anyone. If he's not showing any indication that he's decent and willing to commit, he wasn't worth a milisecond of my time. I quickly saw how ineffective that approach was.

Robin aka Skinny Black Girl, is infamous for her opposition to the whole date-to-marry approach to relationships. She frequently blogged about how it irritated her the way some women would only date guys if they seemed like marriage material. Well, I was guilty of that. Only, I didn't date anyone, because NOBODY seemed like marriage material (lol). Now, fellas, I'm not trying to insult you. But it's becoming increasingly clear to me that if I continue to wait around for The One, my crotch will surely start accumulating cobwebs. So, I decided, since relationships were changing and men weren't, that I needed to change.

I have to make an important point here. When I say that I changed, I mean my attitude and approach towards dating. In the past, I was title/label obsessed. If we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend, what the hell were we? Friends? Oh no. I didn't do boy friends. The way I changed was that I tried to just chill out on my reasons for dating. Once I realized that I'm in no rush to marry anybody (and no, this didn't just happen when I set that status the other day lol) I was able to just approach dating in a casual way. It's not about finding The One. It's about having fun, meeting new people, finding out what you like and dislike. And somewhere within that process, you may just get lucky and find someone you can see yourself with in the big picture.

Of course this approach doesn't eliminate the fear of getting hurt, which is certainly a legitimate concern. I've grappled with this very real fear for over a month now in regards to the person I'm involved with. On more than three occasions, I freaked out and told this guy that I didn't want to see him anymore because I was afraid of what might happen down the line. I've been through enough pain and bullshit to last a lifetime and I'm in no rush to experience any of it again. But I just had to realize that walking away from something that you enjoy in the moment, out of fear of the future, is a cowardly way to live. You have the choice oftaki ng a risk and possibly experiencing something wonderful, or protecting yourself but constantly wondering 'what it'? Sometimes you have to just take the chance of getting hurt.

Up until this month, I hadn't gone on a date in over in 8 months because I hadn't deemed any guy good enough for even that much. Do I have to remind you all of Mr. Womp? After that date, I was dead set on being single until I was sure a guy was worth of my time. The problem is, you can't figure that out unless you date. It's sort of a Catch 22. Mr. Womp could've turned out to be a great friend but I'll never know because I judged him on one bad date.

So, I'm not suggesting that you abandon your values and lower your standards to find a dude. I'm just saying, if you've been single longer than you'd prefer, consider reevaluating your approach. If you're like I was, waiting for Mr. Right to come around, you just might be waiting forever. Even if he isn't somoeone you can see yourself with long term (or maybe you can, but he's one of those comittophobes who's allergic to the word 'relationship' *ahem*) don't rule him out. He just might be good enough to be your Mr. Right Now.

Okay, okay...so I've been a little evasive on this blog lately. Well, really, for the past few months. Because some of the people I blogged about were actually reading my blog, I pretty much put a stop to venting about my personal life. I hurt more than one person with my harsh words and I just got tired of the whole bitchy blurby thing I had going on. I know it's my blog, and I can bitch if I want to. But I was getting tired of myself. Not only that but, I'll be honest, I was starting to feel a little judged about the things I wrote. Maybe it was more of me judging myself, than feeling judged by my readers, but I just hated how I always seemed to be eating my words. I'd make a decision and be fully committed to it, and then I'd backslide and feel like a complete idiot when I'd have to reveal it. So, I just stopped getting personal.

I quickly realized that a byproduct of my keeping a low blog-profile was that I wrote a lot less. And I can't say that was a bad thing. I've always been the type of person who has to talk about things. And if I couldn't talk, I'd write. The ultimate purpose was to get feedback. But I started becoming so dependent on the opinions of others, that I didn't know what I believed anymore. So, I stopped blogging about the personal issues and decided to be introspective. And actually, this went beyond blogworld. I stopped talking about my woes to my family and friends as well. It may not seem like the best idea to keep things bottled up inside, but for someone who has a classic case of PutItAllOutThere-itis, it worked. I learned to work through my problems myself. I learned to recognize my voice. And to not let it weaken when someone else's was thrown into the mix. I learned to be patient with myself and not expect to have everything figured out. It's okay to not always know what to do. But most importantly, I learned how to answer to myself. To be accountable, not to a blog community, but to myself. I made decisions and saw them through because at the end of the day, when everyone else is gone, I still have to look in the mirror.

All that said, as it turns out, what kept this blog alive were my issues. My drama. My confusion. My musings. And, while I've made tremondous improvements in my life, I'm FAR from fulfilled. I've never been the kind of this is what i did today type of blogger. So, the kind of blogging I've been doing lately leaves a little something to be desired...For me at least. I like to write about what's going on in my head. And in my heart. When I stopped doing that, and started making all these superficial updates on the mundane happenings of my life, I quickly lost interest. So, I can't blame those of you who have too.

I've made a resolution to myself. To not restrict what I write for anyone anymore. Now that I've found the medium between privacy and honesty, Ican finally handle blogging about my personal life again. But we all know blogworld isn't as anonymous as it used to be. So, while I'll definitely be real, I'm not going to put out all my business. Some things should stay sacred.

But I'm short on time and high on homework so I can't write about what's on my mind at the moment. I'm just making this post to let my readers know that you won't just be receiving the superficial life updates from me. If I'm going to blog, I'd rather it be the truth. And the truth is, it's not ALWAYS sunny in my world. Though I've found my focus, love is still confusing, life is still scary, and sex is still awesome lol. So, instead of sugarcoating and avoiding certain topics so I won't offend anyone, from now on, I just wanna be real.

Ignorance Is Bliss.

You guys will have to pardon me. It's 9am, exactly an hour before my first class, but I still had to blog really quick. I'm taking this art history course, African Art & Society, and it was far from what I expected. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE this class, and my professor. But the subject matter...whoo...It makes me want to start a riot.

I'm too short on time to go into detail here but, trust, you'll be hearing more about this in the future. I know it's not anything new for African Americans to take AFRO courses in college and become all militant and crap. In the grand scheme of things, a lot of the social unjustices and oppression is VERY recent, and understandably, I think, strikes a nerve. That said, I can hardly contain myself in this class, which focuses on the CURRENT injustices and oppression in Blacks in Africa, not America. Though this class focuses on art of the conitinent, my (white) professor, whom I'm pretty sure is anti-Western, makes a point to acknowledge the cultural ignorance involved in the perception of African art.

Y'all might be wondering why I'm even blogging about this at 9 in the morning. It's because I just had my coffee with a side of 'primitivsm' and 'fetishism' of the African female. I'm gonna have a mouthful to say in lecture today.

I hate what I know now because it means that I'll have to go and change the world all by myself. Dammit.

Buuut I'd better start getting dressed. I may be back later to elaborate on this post.

Til then, todaloo!

Happy Autumn!

What's happening people?

Just wanted to thank those who welcomed me back as well as sending their condolences for the loss of my classmate. Last week was a little rough and, although I wanted to update, I didn't really have the time to...Okay, I'm lying. I was just being lazy. It was cold and rainy outside, and all I wanted to do after class was dive into my blankets and catch up on my DVR. Yeah, I see a great relationship forming between us. After a long day of class and work, it feels oh so good to come home to Oprah, The View, and Jeopardy. I know, I'm a loser.

This is the week I'll be swamped. Tomorrow I have four mini-papers due, that I have yet to start on, and the rest of the week will be spent at the library doing research for an exhibit I'm helping curate. Oh, did I forget to tell you guys that I'm doing an internship? I'll fill you in on that later.

But for now, I just want to share some photos with you all. I went home this past weekend for an annual family outing. I went to an apple orchard with my grandma, mom, sisters, and family friends.

I took about 150 pictures but I know y'all don't wanna see all that lol. Anyway, I had a great time with my family. We're trying to make it a regular thing to have a family outing for each season. This one was a perfect segue into Autumn. Good times.

I also received some fabulous news last week....

I was accepted into the Study Abroad program and I'm going to Paris this Winter!

I'm sooooo excited!!! I couldn't believe that I was actually accepted, given how competitive the program is (only 30 students admitted) and the fact that my Spring semester was far from impressive. After my severe bout with Depression, my transcript wasn't looking so hot. I had a D- in one class and all B's in the rest. Not to mention the fact that I had a 'W' in the class I withdrew from. Given all that, I was sure that they wouldn't pick me. But I guess my essay is what did it. I told them what I had been through and practically begged them to look past my academic record, and consider the fact that I this was something I seriously wanted to be a part of.

The past few months have been simply amazing for me. Getting back my financial aid, getting my own apartment, an internship, acing ALL of my classes, and now this. I can't believe how much things have turned around for me. It's incredible what a little optimism and persistence can get you. I'll never say "I can't" again.

Hope you all are having a great week! I'll try to update again before the weekend, which is Homecoming Weekend. Whoop Whoop! lol.

xo,

bloggal

Loss.

::Sigh::

It's incredible how much can change in a day's time. This fact is becoming very apparent to me. What was good yesterday could be terrible the next. Who is here today could be gone tomorrow. We hear the adages everyday--life is full of uncertainties. Tomorrow isn't promised. But do we ever really realize what this means?

Loss. Whether you lose someone figuratively (breaking up with a significant other) or literally (someone passing away), it's just a strange and difficult thing to accept. The thought of someone you were used to being there for weeks, months, or years--to suddenly be gone. It's heartbreaking.

I've never lost anyone close to me before. I've had distant relatives pass away, but never anyone I had an emotionally intimate relationship with. Even with the distant relatives, I was too young to know what was going on. Too young to grieve.

A friend to many in the African American student body at my school, passed away. He went home over the weekend, but his visit--and life--was cut short by a stray bullet.

I heard reports of his death, but I couldn't identify with it; I didn't know him...Not by name at least. It wasn't until today, on my way to class, that I saw the school newspaper with his picture on it. I stopped dead in my tracks, spilling coffee down my shirt. My eyes filled up with tears when I realized that this was someone I knew. Not intimately. Not even on a first name basis. He was someone I pass(ed) everyday. Someone I casually nod(ded) and smile(d) to. I saw him just last Friday. And now he's gone.

It's terrifying to me--the thought of losing someone. And yet it's inevitable. Which is even more terrifying. It's taken me years to deal with a figurative loss. I can't even fathom what literally losing someone could do to my psyche.

I know, I know. Such depressing subject matter. But, as I said earlier, I've bared witness to quite a bit of Impermanence lately. It's a Law of Nature, a reality of life. But it's still difficult to deal with nonetheless.

Back in Black.

::Takes a deep breath::

I don't even know where to begin.

It's not that my life has been all that spectacular in the past few weeks. But I still feel like I owe some sort of explanation about my whereabouts.

....

However, I just realized that I am not in the mood, nor do I have the time to recount every single thing been happening on my end. It's just been Life. Which can be kind of boring when you transcribe each of its moments. Of all the things that have happened in the past month, the most important thing to make note of is that I finally FINALLY have the internet in my apartment two days ago. For over a month, I've been hitting up the library every night to do homework, because the technicians in my complex were too dense to figure out why AT&T couldn't install my internet. I finally got the kinks worked out and settled with Comcast, even though they charge out the ass for high speed internet. It turn out to be a semi-value because I was able to get cable with a DVR thrown in, minus the contract.

Absolutely enjoying living by myself. Being able to walk around pantsless, play my music as loud as I want, and just have my personal space has been AWESOME. Somehow I thought that it would be comparable to having a single occupancy dorm room lol. But now that I have an open apartment to myself, I can't ever imagine living in the prison-like cell I lived in last year. I'd go crazy...again.

The romantic life has improved. But for the moment, I'll leave those private details between myself and the fellow.

School is cool for the most part. Hasn't gotten too hectic yet, and I'm enjoying my classes so far.

But eh, this is getting a little boring so I'm gonna cut it short. Now that I have a reliable laptop AND the internet at my fingertips (for some reason in the past months, I've only had one or the other), I promise I'll be updating more regularly. Scout's honor. It may not be on a daily basis like it was last year when I blew off homework for blogging, but I will commit myself to AT LEAST one post a week. I didn't realize until recently that I actually need to write. Otherwise I go a little crazy.

So, I'd surely like to know what you fine people have been up to? How's life? What've have you been up to? How have you been? What's new in the blogosphere?

Bloggin from my iPod. Damn shame...

This is just a short but necessary update. I have NOT abandoned this blog. Been having the most heinous technical difficulties imaginable that have kept me from this place. But all of that SHOULD be resolved by Saturday. And once it is, I'llbe harcore revamping this blog. I l
know said that before but I mean it this time. I've missed my blog family immensly! I'm thinking about doing a vlog cause I have hella ish to update you all on...

Butfor now, just wanted to say I love and miss you guys and I haven't forgot about you!

xo,
bloggal

(Excuses, Excuses)

I know, I know...Yall don't have to tell me that I suck. It's evident by the sudden disappearance of Followers, that you guys think so. For all my loyal gals and guys out there, thank you for sticking with me and not unsubscribing as soon as the going gets tough.

What can I say, I've been BIZZZZAAY. And school has barely started yet. But I won't bore you guys with the details of my hectic schedule, and the insanity that ensued during the whole move-in process. All I will say is that things have finally seemed to slow down a bit, and I have a moment to update.

Unfortunately, I don't have the internet at home yet, and for once it's not because I'm too broke to afford it. There's something funky going on with the server where people aren't getting a wireless connection, and I decided to save my pennies and walk to the library when I need the internet. I know, defeats the purpose of having a personal computer but it also saves me money. Speaking of saving money, today I returned my HP and traded it in for a Toshiba. HPs are usually considered top of the line computers, but I was more or less unimpressed by mine. Plus, it weighed about 8lbs (not kidding) and it was a pain to lug around from class to class. It locked up a little more often than it should've and a terrible battery life, considering I payed a pretty penny for it. So, today I took it back and bought a smaller, sleeker Toshiba. Has the same specs but a cuter body, and it cost $100 less. Time will tell, but so far I'm loving this little laptop a lot more than the HP.

Sidenote: I rarely blog about mundane things like this, but I kind of want to right now. If you're bored, feel free to stop reading.

What's really been keeping me busy are my classes. I know I say this just about every semester, and I end up eating my words, but I love my schedule!

ARTH(istory) 310: African Art and Society I
ARTH 430: Italian Renaissance Sculpture
ARTH 114: Introduction to Japanese Art
ARTE(ducation) 260: Museums in Action
ANTH 143: Biology of Human Behavior

As I anticipated, all of my classes are research intensive, and require LOTS of writing. What I like about these classes is, even though each one focuses on a different region, all of them are cohesive. The skills I'm learning are ones that are absolutely critical in museum work, and I'm getting the experience all in one semester. In ARTH 310, for the entire semester we will be working on research files for the museum I work at. We will also be working closely with the curator to propose an exhibit installation for next year. In ARTE 260, we will undergo training on how to be museum educators. We'll be responsible for researching the objects in the museum, planning public events, going to local schools to teach children about art, and eventually, guide a 1 hour tour. Intimidating stuff...But I'm excited because this is experience that I need. I have to learn how to verbalize what I'm used to articulating through writing.

Let's see, what else....Oh! I'm training to get my motorcycle license. Before you say it, I promise I am NOT having any type of life crisis. It's just that my apartment is so far from where all my classes are, and I wanted a quicker way to get around. I had been contemplating a car, but didn't want to buy one just to go down the street. And I had been seeing a lot of people riding on scooters, mopeds, and motorcycles, that I just decided to go for it. Not to mention the gas mileage is incredible--you get about 80-100 miles/gln. It might seem random, but it's actually pretty practical. I've been studying the manual and I plan on taking the driving test in a couple of weeks. I already ordered my bike so when it comes, I'll get to start putting in the practice. I'm super geeked.

Note: In Illinios, you are required to have a motorcycle license for any motor engine powered vehicle. But the type of bike I'm getting is only 50cc, meaning it tops off at about 40mph. Which also means that it's classified as a moped, not a motorcycle.

Anyway, I have some reading to do so I'm going to stop here for now. I'm going to keep my mouth shut and not make any promises about the next time I'll blog. It seems to work out better when I do it that way...

A million kisses,
bloggal

Hey beautiful people: )

Updates are in order...

First off, I got a new computer. ::does an Irish jig and high-fives self::

It's an HP laptop with 3G memory, and a 320GB hard drive. This is my first real computer..! And by "real", I mean NOT previously owned, NOT refurbished, and NOT a Dell. My dad is a computer technician and he's always putting together some type of Franken-computer that eventually dies over the course of a year. I decided that I'd pay the money for a quality PC because I can't afford another one to break down on me mid year.

In other news, I signed a lease for my first apartment : -D. It's a nice two bedroom close enough to campus to be near the fun, but far enough to be away from the drama. It's newly renovated, newly furnished, and newly carpeted. But the best part is that I don't have a roommate. Whooo! Yall can call me a hermit if you want, but I looooooove my privacy and Me Time. I like the option of going out, but having a quiet place to come back to. But maybe that's just me....Anyway, I move in tomorrow.

It's been a busy week preparing to go back to school, but things are going according to plan, thankfully. It'll probably be a couple of days until I have my internet up and running, but expect me to be updating mucho more often from now on. Within the next few days, I'm doing a picure post. I figure that'll be the best way to sum up my Summer.

Hope you've all been having a fab week.

xo,
bloggal

Approved!

Hey blog family!

I am very pleased to report that, after much shameless groveling, the decision to suspend my financial aid has been reversed! I found out Thursday but this is the first chance I've had to blog about it. In the past few weeks I've been staying prayed up, and trying to be as positive as possible. But at the same time, realize that there was a very big chance I would be kissing my alma mater goodbye. I had come to the conclusion that, if I didn't get the money back, I would just take the semester off, apply to a different school, and attend in the spring. There would be no point in racking up $10,000 for one semester that I wouldn't even be able to pay back. Thank God it never came to that.

But anyway, as I said in my previous post, I knew that how ever things turned out, I'd have a testimony. And that I was sure to have gone through my delimma for a reason. After coming out of the situation victorious, I've learned some very important lessons.

First and foremost, I realized just how incredibly important my education is to me. I've always loved to learn, but I can definitely say that I began to take it for granted. I'd let all the stress of college overshadow the fact that I'm incredibly fortunate to have the opportunity to get an education at such an esteemed university. Faced with the possibility of not being able to go back refreshened my perspective, and made me appreciate the opportunities laid before me.

In the same vain, I also learned how passionate I am about what I'm studying. For those who don't know, I am an Art History major. I'm working towards my doctorate in the hopes of becoming a museum curator or art director of a small gallery. It took me a while to figure out what career I wanted to pursue, but I finally came to the conclusion that curation best suit me. It's a career that's research and writing intensive, which I love, and I'd have the opportunity to work with artists. Anyway, this is the first semester that I'll be able to tackle my major courses and I'm ecstatic. The prospect of not having the chance to study art history was what broke my heart the most. The fact that I was so disappointed by the thought is what reaffirmed for me, that this is my career path.

Most importantly, I realized how frivolous my past two years have been. I'm a Junior in college and I don't have much to show for it. I have a decent GPA, but aside from that, my college years thus far have been punctuated by a bunch of childish nonsense. I've let things that weren't important effect my ability to be all that I could be, both personally and academically. I think more than anything else, this past month of waiting for a verdict has really lit a fire inside of me. It's made me want to WORK. I mean really work diligently for what I want in life, whatever it may be. Funnily enough, the way it has manifested itself as I awaited their decision is that I've been working out like a mad woman. In about a month I've lost 15lbs. Yay me! lol:)

Anyway, I'm just excited for another chance. My focus and enthusiasm is at a place its never been in my college career, and I'm ready for this semester. I'm still on probation, and if I don't finish the semester with at least a 2.0, I'm out. My GPA is waaaaaaay above 2.0, so I'm going to set a goal for myself of a 3.5 or higher. I know the type of student I'm capable of being. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is going to get in the way of what I need to do for myself.

I've got loads more to write about, but I'm going to end this post here and pick up tomorrow. Today I went to the Black Girl Long Hair Blog Meet-Up, but I'll save that for another post. And yes, my computer is still busted. But luckily, I'm buying a new one this week, so I'll be back to blogging soon. I promise.

In the meantime, I hope all of you have been great. Thank you all for your support, and kind words. It helps to know that friends have your back when your dealing with tough times :).

xo,
bloggal

ps

Please excuse the typos (I know there's probably a ton) and how scattered this was. I'm in a bit of a rush and can't go back and edit.

UPDATES

It's been over two weeks since I last posted--the longest I've gone without writing on this blog ever. I wasn't going to write about what's been preventing me from blogging, but decided I would. I didn't want anyone to think that this was one of those things when a blog is randomly abandoned. So not the case. I've wanted to write more than ever, but life has been a little complicated in Bloggal's world lately.

While I was seeing a counselor to cope with my hectic and stressful schedule this past spring, she came to the conclusion that it would be best for me to drop a class mid semester. That way, I could finish strong in the rest of my classes instead of spreading myself thin and only doing so-so in all of them. I took her advice, issued a petition, and surprisingly approved. My doctor supported my petition by providing proof of the "major depressive episode" I was having. Unfortunately, the petition that saved me then, came back to hunt me today.

About two weeks ago, I got a letter in the mail telling me that my financial aid has been suspended. The grounds for suspension wasn't that my GPA was too low, but because of a deficiency of credit hours in my last semester. Because the class I dropped was a 4 credit hour one, I went below the amount that I needed to keep my scholarships. They gave me an opportunity to appeal their decision by writing a personal essay stating the "extenuating circumstances" that prevented me from meeting satisfactory requirements. In addition to that, I had to provide documents that supported my claim. I already submitted my appeal and now I'm pretty much waiting on the verdict.

So, what I'm basically faced with at the moment is the possibility of not having the money to go back to school next semester. Well, not that school anyway. Because if they don't reverse their decision, there's no way in hell I'd be able to afford the $20,000 tuition for the next two years. The way this affects me now is, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going to live when I go back to school. Another unfortunate byproduct of my loss of aid is that I'd no longer receive the money I would use to pay for my living expenses. I know you're probably thinking, Ummmm, don't you go back to school in less than a month, Bloggal? The short answer is yes. Basically, I'm working as much as I possibly can right now to make enough money for first month's rent...wherever I'll be saying. After that, I'm not so sure how I'm going to afford it. My job at the art museum only pays minimum wage, and I won't be putting in too many hours since I'll be a full time student. So, I don't know. That' kind of up in the air too.

The silver lining is, no matter what happens, I'm guaranteed my Fall semester. Even if it means I'll be living in a cardboard box, I'll still be able to go to school for a little while longer. And that's enough to make me smile through this nightmare. I know that probably sounds crazy, but you have to find something--even if it's small--to keep you positive in a negative situation. I know that, whatever happens, I'll have some kind of testimony out of this. And as cliche and corny as this sounds, I'm sure I'm facing this for a reason. If my appeal isn't approved, maybe this school isn't the place for me after all.

My computer is still broken, and as you might've guessed, a new one isn't really at the top of the priority list right now. But I will try to keep you guys posted on my situation as often as possible. When I'm settled somewhere, I will get back to posting regularly. That's a promise. But let one thing be known: I'm not going anywhere. Bloggal is here to stay, and I still fully intend on debuting my new blog. That is, when I've got a place to stay, and what not lol.

Anyway, I hope you all are doing well. I miss you guys tremendously.



xo,

bloggal.

What's up everybody?

Wow, it's been a minute, hasn't it? I've been relatively busy for the last week or so, which is the main reason why I haven't blogged since the Friday before last. I've drafted about 3 posts but never got around to publishing any of them. Just when I was about to follow through the other day, my computer COMPLETELY died on me. On Thursday, July 16 2009, it made this sad pathetic sound, like a blowdryer on set on HI, and took its final breath.

I'm blogging from my sister's laptop right now. But you know how it is. You want your own computer. I always read about people's computers dying, but I never realized just how tragic it is. Your whole little e-world is shattered :-(.

In addition to being computerless right now, I am also penniless and phoneless. The other day I lost my debit card without realizing it, and someone had a field day with it. As a result, I can't pay my phone bill right now. Sucks balls.

I'm not trippin about any of it though. I do feel a little disconnected from the world sans the internet, texting, and an active bank account. But it's cool. I think it was a necessary reminder for me not to get hooked on my electronics again.

Anyway, my bank is investigating it as we speak and my money SHOULD be back in my account soon. I'll be taking donations in the meantime. Unfortunately, I didn't have enough to buy a new computer before my money was stolen, so I'll be without one for the next month or so. I'll blog when I get the chance, but for the most part, I guess its ciao for now...

xo,
bloggal

Moving.

"The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame." ~Oscar Wilde

I very rarely do this, but tonight I took the time to read my own blog. Way back from Day 1. While I was definitely happy to see the growth I've made since my opening posts, I was definitely disappointed and surprised at some of the things I saw. How bitter and angry I was. Because of how hurt I felt, it hadn't even dawned on me how hurtful I was being. Words can be powerful weapons. Granted, there were a few times when I blogged strictly for the sake of chronology. And other times when I prosed out of pain. But there were also times when I was on full Bitch Mode, and said things just to be mean. Unfortunately, I was still a little too ignorant to realize that you shouldn't say things about people behind their backs, that you wouldn't say to them in person.

I've given it some thought, and I think it's time for me to create a new blog. Whether or not it will be an extension of this one, or a replacement for it--I haven't decided. Either way, this blog has served its purpose and run its course. I created it while I was going through a bad break-up and its aftermath. I am in niether phase anymore, so I think it's time to shed my sad/cynical/bitter persona. I'll continue to blog about love, sex, and relationships but not from such a bleak perspective anymore. And definitely not on such a personal level either. Don't get me wrong, I'll still write from experience. But I'll be a lot more careful about maintaining the anonymity of others, not slandering their character, and not painting a one-sided picture.

So, stay tuned people. I'll continue blogging here as I usually do, and will debut my new blog by Aug. 1 at the very latest.

Enjoy your weekends!

So, this is looking like the new layout. Aside from some minor changes, I'll probably leave it the way it is for a couple of months. It was definitely time for a lighter background. I've had a black one for the past year or so. I guess the old color scheme--black, red, and white--kind of mirrored my mood at the time I made it. I'm feeling a lot lighter these days and I thought my blog should reflect that. Not so satisfied with the font of the header though. The font options on Blogger kind of suck. If anyone knows about a software that allows you to choose from more font options, PLEASE put me on.

Another thing I wanted to address in this post are my new Followers. Just wanted to say hey to all of you who've recently subscribed! I really appreciate it, and will soon return the favor. As for my new quiet lurkers--I see you all. My blog stats have spiked this month for some reason, so I want to hear from you! I love hearing what you guys think, what you'd want to see me blog about, and any other suggestions you might have. I want to know you 'Unknown' IP addresses. Who you are, where you're from. So, please don't be afraid to comment. I promise I don't bite :).

And finally, I just wanted to clarify my last post. I apologize if it seemed the least bit combative or defensive, because I really didn't mean it to appear that way. I just reread the final paragraph and realized that it could've been misinterpreted since it kind of seemed like I was implying that you, my blog fam, were trying to discourage me. Just so it's clear, I was speaking about people in my life, and NOT any of you. What I appreciate most about my readers is that, even when you disagree with me or my actions, you're always considerate, respectful, and constructive. I just wanted you all to know that I appreciate ALL feedback--positive or negative.

I'll Be Happy When...

When you release small snippets of your life--what you're doing, current frames of mind--you're pretty much putting yourself out there and allowing yourself to be an object of scrutiny. I realize that's what I've done by blogging about my Ex. And understandably, I've been getting some backlash and not so good feedback about the fact that we still correspond. At first I made up my mind to build up my little bubble again, and keep all things Ex-ish unspoken. But instead, I'd rather say a few things to make a post to set record straight about who I am, who he is, and who "we" are. Just to clear some doubt for some of you who are critical of the friendship I have with him.

As some of my older readers may know, I went through a pretty rough patch in February. I was having problems accepting the reality of my relationship with Ex. It broke my heart that I had deep feelings for him, but it seemed like all he wanted from me was sex. I made up my mind, as I have on various occasions, to stop talking to him. It was the advice I was getting from all my friends and family. STOP TALKING TO HIM! Avoid him at ALL costs! If you see him, run in the opposite direction! If he tries to talk to him, look straight through him! Be an outright Bitch! And most importantly, pretend he doesn't exist!

For a long time, I took everyone's advice. I tried to steer clear of him as much as possible. I deleted his phone number. I mean-mugged him when we crossed paths. I tried to pretend he didn't exist. But the more I pretended, the more he did exist. I ran into him everywhere. I rerouted my path and he somehow wound up in it. I changed my schedule, and there he was. I felt like he was some bad omen. It made me feel terrible because I couldn't get rid of him. I felt trapped. Like the only way I'd ever really find peace would be to move. Or leave my school.

I made it to the end of the year in one piece, ecstatic that I'd be able to get away from him. Even more ecstatic that the next year, our residencies would be totally different and we wouldn't EVER have a reason to run into each other. That is, until I realized that his girlfriend would be staying directly across the street from the apartment I'd be living in.

I was exasperated. Will it ever end??? Why can't I get away from him? Why is the Universe forcing us together? Why can't I just have peace and move on from him?

I ascertained that the rest of my collegiate career would undoubtedly be ruined if I stayed in another area where I'd run into him again, so I gave up my apartment. Forget that I had no idea where I would be staying next semester. I was guaranteed to not be around him OR his girlfriend, and that was all that mattered to me. I always swore that the only real way for me to move on from him was to get physical distance from him. But for some reason, I couldn't shake this guy. I couldn't for the life of me get away from him.

Does anyone else see how ridiculous this mentality is?

When I went to the meditation center, I came to some heavy realizations about myself. I was the girl who blamed everyone and everything else, without even realizing it. I was the I'll be happy when...Girl.

I'll be happy when he breaks up with her.
I'll be happy when he ends up with me.
I'll be happy when I have some space.
I'll be happy when he stops calling me.
I'll be happy when I graduate and move.
I'll be happy when I'm with someone new.

The list could go on for days and days. But the truth of the matter is, none of these things could ever make me happy if I'm still holding on to pain in my heart. Pain, anger, resentment, jealousy, longing. These are all things that were inside me. So, no matter how far I ran, or whether he broke up with her or not, I'd still be miserable because I'd still be holding all those toxic feelings inside. The only way to really be happy was to eliminate THOSE things. I had to stop relying on external factors to make me happy, because that's really all those things were. I hinged my happiness on some event that could possibly never happen. Some things that I had no real control over. And even if I did have control over them, those things wouldn't resolve the pain I was harboring. So, in affect, I crippled myself. Restricting my happiness to a few unlikely occurrences was inhibiting my ability to be happy at all. The only way to be happy was to get to the root of my pain. Deep inside of me.

That's exactly what I was able to do with Vipassana. And as a result, I've been able to release all those feelings that kept me unhappy. All of them. Now, I'm not saying that I'm immune to pain or heartbreak. Believing that would pretty much set me up for disappointment. But I have employed the principles of Vipassana in dealing with anything life throws at me. A cruel comment, an insult, a mistake. It's a fleeting moment. It's impermanent. So, why let it get you down? You see, we have no control over what happens to us in life. But we DO have control over how we react. We DO have control over how long things effect us. We have control over ourselves.

I used to think it was God's twisted sense of humor who forced us together so often, when all I desired was to be apart from him. But now I'm starting to realize that He's forcing us together as a challenge to me. Whenever I'd run away from Ex, things would always go the same way. I'm able to keep up the dodge game for a while, but at the expense of my nerves. Everywhere I went, I was nervous I'd run into him. And when I did see him, my heart would beat a mile a minute as I tried to pretend not to see him. I'd try to look like I was happy and calm, when I was really freaking out on the inside. I'd get frazzled by the entire encounter. Not to mention, it kept me on guard about seeing him at all times. In the end, I'd always end up back in the same position when I was found. Sleeping with him, and hating myself for being so weak-willed. Is this way of life really conducive to getting over a person? Not for me.

It took me a long time to realize that, what works for some people, doesn't work for all. Some find that they are their strongest when they erase all traces of their exs from their lives. When they totally and completely cut all ties. But I've found, since coming back from Vipassana, that I've been my strongest when I am in contact with my ex. In my case, it was pure weakness that made me run. But it's strength that's making me stay and face the music. Because, essentially, I'm facing myself.

There were a couple of friendships and relationships that, prior to going to the camp, I was ready to cut off. Some, because I didn't think I was strong enough to handle, and others because I didn't feel like dealing with the drama and negativity they had in their lives. But I learned that, blocking people from my life just because it takes too much effort to maintain the relationship, is pure cowardice. And I'm speaking of my male and female friends now. So, I decided to not run from them, and make an effort to fix them.

I know I've demonized Ex something serious on this blog. I've written about how much he's hurt me. It's no wonder you guys think it's a bad idea for me to remain friends with him. And it's totally understandable why you'd wonder how I'd want to be friends with someone who has broken my heart so many times. But the truth is, he's a good person. And the mistakes he's made in the past doesn't take away from that. Just as I didn't consider myself any less of a good person when I was in my messy affair with him. People make mistakes. Even good ones. And, while I wouldn't consider him as a romantic partner ever again, I do consider him a good friend, and I do have love for him. We do have friction sometimes, but what friendship doesn't? Friendship wise, we're great. It's only when things get physical, that things get messy. I'm taking great precaution to ensure that doesn't happen.

I know some of you are still unconvinced, but that's alright with me. I know myself. I know the peace I've found. And I know that I'm happy. Really and truly, I'm happy. A lot of people in my life, present company excluded, have tried to convince me that my happiness is just a phase. That, when the going gets tough, I'm going to stop meditating and fall back into my old miseries. I merely laugh those people off. Because, what they don't realize is, they only make me stronger. They make me more determined. They only fuel my ability to let their negative comments roll off my back. I've learned far too much about myself through my journey to allow something like Words kill my joy.

Hey peoples.

I feel the need to apologize to any of you who might've seen the video that was posted here. I had considered blogging about it, then realized that it wasn't even worth dignifying with a response. But I guess my draft somehow got published and was up for the past day without me knowing So, if anyone saw the disgusting ignorance that was this video, which I won't even link to, I apologize if it offended you.

Re: We Were On A Break

Okay, so I rarely make post responses to comments, but I just HAD to. I agree with every single one of you ladies. A 'break' is nothing short of a break-up. It's initiated by the person who doesn't want to be in a relationship, but doesn't want to break things off completely either. For whatever reason. Some take breaks out of fear. Some out of greed. And it's up to the poor sap on the opposing end to say, "Um...hell no! If you want a break, we're going to break, alright." If they don't do that, they pretty much screw themselves.

"...for me there is no "break". Either we're together or we're not. That was excuse to be with someone else and he gave you enough rope to hang yourself so he could have an excuse to really leave you."

Hehe. I love how you worded that, YoungBlackBeauty. It's sad but true though. Except, in his case, I'm pretty sure his intentions were just to string me along for as long as I could stand it. You know how guys can be. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. I know this because it happened on our first break. For two months we were on one, and when I was finally fed up with being in relationship limbo, I told him that I was leaving. But then, he decided he was "ready" to be with me again. So, like an idiot, I went back.

I gave him all the power. Played by all of his rules. I wouldn't (sometimes I think I even couldn't) stand up for myself. I wasn't strong enough to say that I wasn't going to put up with it because I didn't want to lose him. You know, because I was so in loooooove or whatever. I definitely didn't have the sense I have now, back then. For one, I'm a lot more cautious about who I end up seeing exclusively in the first place. Hence my three year stint as a single gal. But most importantly, if I ever did end up dating someone again and he requested a break, he could just consider it over. Then and there. Being the chump that I was though, I didn't want to let go. Ugh man. I was such a dumb broad.

Buuuuut anyway, I just had to say that I'm in utter agreement with all of you. And I hope that anyone out there, male or female, who has at one point initiated a break, can see how incredibly ridiculous it is. Stop being greedy and selfish. If you want freedom, grow some balls/ovaries and break it off. This is directed at no one in particular. Just saying...Some women (and men) out there can be very naive. And to take advantage of their love and devotion, just because they don't have the sense and experience to tell you HELL NO, is pure douchebaggness.

At the same time though, it's important for us, on the receiving end of mistreatment, to take responsibility for our own actions. We don't realize that a lot of times, we are the cause of our own unhappiness. Aside from cases where we are literally robbed of control, we really do have say in how things turn out. We (men and women) have the tendency to feel like we are the victims. Like we're the abused. When really, by allowing someone else to victimize us, we're abusing ourselves. The most important lesson I've learned out of all of this, is that it's nobody's fault but mine. Yeah, it's true. He only treated me as bad as I allowed him to. When I was finally able to acknowledge that, it was easier to let go of the resentment that I've had for so long. I'm not saying he didn't do some bogus ish, because he definitely did. But I have no control over his actions. Only mine. And if I keep walking into the same traps, knowing the outcome, that pretty much makes me a masochist.

Sorry for getting all motivational speaker on you all. This is just a very common position that MANY people find themselves in. And until we can take responsibility for our own unhappiness, we're destined to be unhappy. We have to stop being the victim.

Anyway, thanks for the comments! I love seeing how people feel about things like this. It's seems pretty unanimous what you guys think. Breaks are bullshit.

"We Were On A Break!"

I think we've all seen, if not heard, the infamous episode of Friends where, while Ross and Rachael were on a break, he hooked up with another woman. When they finally got back together, she never let him live it down.





I think it's time I tell you guys with happen between Ex and I. You know, the part that led to our post-relationship drama.

The reason I'm deciding to blog about this now, after over a year of blogging about Ex, is because I'm really starting to question relationship titles lately. Boyfriend, Boo, Beau, Manfriend, Fiance, Friend, F**k Buddies. Relationship, Open Relationship, Marriage...It's all getting a little blurry to me. I guess, since I'm starting to realize how little people seem to honor their relationships with others, I can't help but rethink my old relationships.


We were on our SECOND break. Both were initiated by him. And we all know that a break sucks for the person who didn't want it. I couldn't really blame him for the second one though. I was a Senior in high school and we never got to see each other. I didn't want to ruin his college experience so, I reluctantly agreed.


Where things took a sour turn was that I noticed that he wasn't testing the waters and dating a few different girls. It was one in particular. One girl that he spoke with often, saw often. It began to bother me. I expressed my concern to him, but he wasn't willing to end the break...because he didn't want to hurt her feelings.Stunned and hurt that he would consider this girl's feelings over mine, when we had been dating for a year, I told him that I too would start dating other guys. And it was all downhill from there.


I meant a guy who was in the same boat as me. We found common ground on our detestation of the Break and I guess you could say we comforted each other. Because we shared many of the same interests and tastes, we hit it off really well and really fast. Pretty soon I started developing, what I thought were love-ish feelings for him. But really, just to be honested, I was just desperate as hell. Feeling rejected by the one I really loved, I took comfort in a guy who claimed to care about me. We eventually hook up, and that's where things got messy.


In addition to having a severely guilty conscience, I've always been a TERRIBLE liar. I usually try to refrain from doing things that I'd have to lie about, just to avoid the embarassment of being caught in one. But back then, I wasn't as smart as I am now. So, I hooked up with this guy while Ex and I were on a break. And then I tried to hide it. That lasted for about two days because the sh*t hit the fan pretty quickly. I lied my ass off because I was too afraid to fess up, which only made matters worse. On top of that, by then I was heavily involved with this other guy, whose feelings I didn't want to hurt. But in the end, both guys ended up hurt. Ex VERY quicky rebounded with the girl he'd been getting ultra cozy with while we were dating, and the rest is history.


So, there you have it. My dirt aired out across the blogosphere. Now you see why I felt like I owed Ex something and faught like hell to get him back.


But back to the real point of this story: What's the deal with titles these days? You have married people who swing, or just plain open relationships. You have friends with benefits. And people who are in a relationship both cheat on each other. And you have exs who never really break up. The list is endless.


I don't wanna make you all bias but here's my two cents. While I was definitely wrong for lying, I can't fully feel responsible for the demise of our relationship. WE WERE ON A BREAK! One that I didn't want to be on, to start with. I just went along with it because it felt unfair to see him getting intimate with this chick. And when I say "intimate", I mean that on the emotional level. But more on that later. Anyway, was what I did really any worse than what he did?


With so much boundary crossing these days, what really constitutes cheating? Of course, I was wrong to lie about the things I did, but was I wrong to do them? Did he have a right to be angry? Do you considering hooking up with someone else while on a break cheating? How do YOU define a break?

Infidelity: Emotional vs. Physical

Which do you think is more hurtful?

Cat and Mouse.

Before you say it, I know my current layout is a mess. I haven't really taken the time to make a new banner, and I'm undecided about the color scheme too. As a result, my blog is looking pretty blah right now, sans my sidebar. I'll try to have things back in order by Monday. Even if I have to use my old header.

So, just now I was cruising blogs and came across a post that got me thinking. I won't link to it, because it seemed like a relatively personal matter, but I'll summarize in a nutshell. Titled "Ex Games", the blogger posted an email that one of her readers sent. She talked about how she was serious with a boyfriend for a couple of years, and they broke up due to something she did. What ensued the years after that (and continue to the point she sent the email) was a game of cat and mouse. She'd suck up to him, beg him, do everything in her power to get him to take her back, and he'd ignore her. Treat her like crap, take advantage of her devotion to him. Sometimes he'd show affection, other times he'd be cold to her. All the while, he's in a relationship.

Finally she gets fed up with all of his mixed signals and tells him that she doesn't want to speak with him anymore. She's made up her mind that she's moving on, no longer waiting around for him to "choose" her. No longer stroking his ego and diminishing her self-esteem. She's determined to cut all ties with him, and is doing quite well when suddenly...She get's an email from him. He's incredibly complimentary, and surprisingly open. He seems pretty interested. Sweet, attentive, it seems like he wants things to go somewhere. She decides to let him back in.

But.

Once she's reeled back in by what seems like his desire to be back together, the tables turn and once again he's resisting. And unfortunately, she's back in the situation she started: begging and pleading.

This post struck a chord with me because I've gone through something quite similar with my ex.

My most relationship was ended due to a mistake I made as well. We were both very guilty of two different offenses but mine was the worst of two evils...I guess. Anyway, at the time, I was determined to get him back. I was willing to do anything. To put up with anything. To even stay as I watched a relationship blossom between he and the girl he'd (emotionally) cheated on me with. And boy did I put myself through some things...Eventually I decided that I couldn't take it anymore and tried to move on. But it seemed like every time I tried to, he'd say or do something that would make me come back. Begging forgiveness, getting fed up, vowing to move on, getting pulled back in. And repeat. The more he pulled away from me, the more I wanted him. And the more I distanced himself from him, the more he showed interest.

Fast forward to 2009. Things have been cool between us for the past few months. Mostly because of me. I've finally learned how to suck it up, stop holding on, and let go of the past (both painful and pleasurable). As a result, things are a lot smoother between us considering I'm a lot stronger and wiser than I was back then. But still, I'm starting to realize that, although we don't blatantly play the cat and mouse game anymore, the same rules seem to apply. Whether intentionally on his part or otherwise, I've begun to notice a trend with our relationship lately.

Now here, I know I have to choose my words wisely, because the person I am referring too might possibly be reading right now. If you are, I'm gonna need you to not trip on this later lol.

It usually goes like this: I'll have shelved all the pain and resentment of the past, and it's clear that I'm moving forward to a brighter future. I no longer ask questions about "us" versus "them". I don't care anymore. I make up my mind to close that chapter and start on a new one of my own. I'm at my best--happy, hopeful, positive, budding romance, etc. Things are still cool between us, I don't give him the cold shoulder or anything. I'm just less interested in him romantically. Anyway, it often happens that, when I am moving away from this little love/lust triangle that he and I have had for the past two years, he's suddenly more interested in what I think. More willing to share. Questions I could never get him to answer before, he's offering up the info. He'll express things that may ignite a glimmer of hope in me. Or he'll tell me things that will temporarily wound me all over again. It's like he senses when he's on the verge of losing me (emotionally) and finds a way of refreshing old feelings (the painful and the pleasurable).

Now, I have to just make a point here. These things he says or does never keep me down. Nothing he does can permanently paralyze my happiness. And I don't mean that in a threatening way. There are just times when I'm temporarily effected by him. But still, despite the fleeting nature of these effects, the question still remains:

Why does it always seem like, whenever we try to completely move on, our exs' always come back to hunt us?

Sexy vs. Beautiful

Yo and hello.

My apologies to you all for not updating sooner. Last week was hectic, with me going out of town for three days. But don't worry. I plan to make up for my absence because there's been a lot on my mind since I returned.

I went back to my alma mater to take care of some financial aid business, as well as visit a friend. But more on that later. When I was dropped off at the bus terminal--Grey Hound is the way to go in this economy lol--I was about an hour early. So, I went inside of the terminal Subway restaurant to order something to tie me over until I got home from my 2-3 hour trip. There was a family of 8 ahead of me and they were all making complicated orders so I knew it would be a while before I got to the counter.

As the line slowly crept forward, I noticed the guy who was making the sandwiches and ringing them up kept looking at me. He was attractive. About 5'9, cocoa brown skin, dark brown eyes, cute smile. He looked at me apologetically and mouthed "I'm so sorry..." as he made eyes at the large family ahead of me. I laughed and shook my ahead, telling him it was totally fine.

I finally made it to the counter and placed my order for a Veggie Delight. He gave me a look. "You're a vegetarian?" I smiled sheepishly. "Oh...yeah. Just recently." He smiled back and said. "That's cool." He finished my sandwich and we proceeded to the register. I gave him my money, and as he gave me my change, he said, "Before you leave, I just have to tell you...I think you're really beautiful." I took my change, and smiled (probably a little too hard) and said, "Awww, thank you." We gave each other one last smile, and I left.

When I decided to ditch the weaves and wear my hair natural, I knew that there would be a decline in the amount of guys who would try to talk to me. Because, let's just be real, natural hair is far from the highest standard of African American beauty. On top of that, I'm not light skinned, I don't have thin facial features, and I don't have what so many black people love to call "good" hair, so that puts my appeal even lower on the totem pole. Again, we're just being real here. While it does suck that black women with darker skin tones and kinky hair are somehow considered less attractive, I'm not phased a tiny bit. I take pride in the way I look. My darker complexion, my kinky hair, my round, full features. It took me years to really love my Blackness, and the status quo isn't going to change that.

Now, you may be wondering the significance of the aforementioned story. From my experience in most of my young adult life, I have never been addressed to by a guy in the manner I was the other day. The most I've ever gotten was "Ay ma! You lookin' sexy as hell today!" Hearing those words make my skin crawl. For me, no attention is better than bad attention, so I was more than happy to part with the hits that my old look attracted. It doesn't validate me, nor does it flatter me. But, while I realized that I probably wouldn't be approached in that way anymore, I hadn't anticipated was the positive attention that my new look would attract.

I'm starting to notice that a whole different breed of men talk to me now. Their looks are more refined, their demeanors are more subtle, their words are more complimentary, their actions are more flattering, and they are all around more respectful. And a little more mature too. Granted, it was a very small compliment. And, while I hate that someone else's opinion of me me meant so much, I really appreciated it. The best part was that he wasn't even hitting on me. He didn't try to get my number or anything. He just paid me a very decent compliment. It makes me a kind of giddy inside to realize that I'm going to meet my future husband with my natural hair. Right off the bat, he'll accept me for who I am instead of questioning me. He's going to find me attractive and not wonder why I wear my hair this way.

As I said before, I'm often called sexy, but very rarely called beautiful. While I do appreciate the compliment, I really don't like being called sexy. More often than not, what the guy is commenting on when he calls me that, is my body. In my opinion at least, being called beautiful is much more flattering. "Sexy" is just a phyiscal word. But "beautiful" can be interpreted on the surface level as well as on the intellectual level. Maybe that's just me though...

Ladies, which do you consider more of a compliment--being called Sexy or Beautiful?

P.S.

I replied to your comments on my previous post. Thank you all for your wonderful feedback! : )